Alcohol and Drugs: Writings by D.L. Siluk [in English & Spanish]

The Perfectionist: Obsessive Compulsive Behavior Is An Illness

2006-07-22T08:45:00.000-07:00

By Dennis L. Siluk
Jan. 9, 2005

Oh yes, it would be great if we all were without fault, but some people are just big hams under small eggs—insulting everyone who writes. Fixation with explanation, and perfectionism on its back like cancer; obsessive-compulsive obliteration of the mind that is where the path leads; too bad William Faulkner could never remember his regularity in writing [although it didn’t harm him], he’d often forget where he left off two chapters down the road, which is very clear if you are a Faulkner reader [thus producing distortions]. He surely wasn’t known for his consistency in paragraphing either but won the Nobel Prize. But maybe he needed someone help, guess who? the Perfectionist. Matter-of-fact, he had over 50-misspelling in one of his books [first edition], but most writers do; Joyce, with his book: Ulysses, it only took 13-years to correct all the gobbledygook that was wrong with it; and as for fragmented sentences, look at Time Magazine, anyone, if you got the eye you’ll see it. E. R. Burroughs, Mr. Tarzan, if anyone has ever read him, like Robert Howard, both hero writers of mine, wrote, according to the Perfectionist, with no respect for the reader; why, because just read where the tenses are, they both shift from present to third in a clap of an eye, faster than Tarzan can fly. You are lost in the wind of the stories, and most people look over that, or don’t read them; and I could go on with bad grammar on behalf of ERB, but I love the guy so what can I say. Such a person, like the Perfectionist, is, is like a little boy in a big box that keeps zoning himself out of the other boxes, sifting into the smallest [where it is safest], like a desolate island, thus he boxes himself in until he can’t breath. He can’t help it, even though he doesn’t’ care to do it. Such a shame if only such people could take care of this problem, life would be so much better for the rest of humanity; and especially writers.

On another note, no one cares how much you know, until you show how much you care, it’s just a fact. And that goes for respect. If you are looking for it, it is back in the caring category, not up in the ‘I demand it,’ category. Should someone clean their backyard, maybe others will clean theirs, but until then, turn the channel if you don’t like it; or waste your writing skills on gobbledygook.

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Alcoholism: And The Potential For Cancer In Women

2006-07-22T08:38:00.000-07:00

By Dennis L. Siluk
May 22, 2005

Before I get too deep into this subject, let me first identify myself. I was a Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor in Minnesota ever since the licensing came out, and before that a Certified Counselor in over 40-states and 13-countries). I worked in the field for twenty years, in group counseling, individual counseling; with women at the prisons, in clinics for dual disorders, having a degree in psychology as well, and in child development it helped me as I worked on the children’s ward. I’ve written three books on the subject of alcohol and its effects; on the prevention of it; one on the aftercare of it, and on its origin. I do realize we all have our own beliefs where this disease comes from, and just how it relates to women’s cancer; which might even be a secret from the public, but if it is, it is because no one has looked very deep into this issue or problem. Sometimes we are too busy with the situation, you know what I mean: too many hands in the pudding, can sour the pie. In any case, this is the first article I’m doing since my retirement in 2001. I should let it be know, I’ve done a few articles for the ICDP (Drug and alcohol magazine for Minnesota) years ago. Therefore I am going to take a backdoor into the premise of this article, “Cancer in Women.”

When I used to give lectures to groups, be it women, men or children at schools, clinics, hospitals (Ramsey Hospital, River hills Hospital, Hawthorn Institute, etc; schools in St. Paul, Minnesota) and adolescents, I’d always modify my lecture to fit the group, which is what everyone does I assume (or should do): why? Because we are all different, and our body reacts differently to substances; we have what you call different triggers; resistance capabilities; as groups that is; as individuals we have what I call, hang ups, or self-esteem problems. Also, such things as: depression, anxiety, resentment, fears, inferiority. We are all dealing with a mess of issues at any given time; they are mixed with: faith, egotism, and shame. We relapse, drink more, and take more drugs according to our environment, our social status, or availability of money. And now the group comes into play, and the individual, and her background.

Life is never easy is it, especially in recovering, or working with those with dual disorders—or with those drinking in general that can not stop. When I say dual disorders, I mean those crippled with alcoholism and perhaps depression, or anxiety, etc.

Alcohol or drugs, in particular alcohol for this article, is a poison. That is why your system rejects it, vomits up. It belongs under the hazard category. We don’t need to look at hashish, opium, cocaine, or morphine, let me add heroin in it, alcohol does the job quite well. And like poisons do, they paralyze the body like hemlock (prussic acid).

It is clear, people that drink a lot do not live long, and drug addicts do not grow old. And now for the Cancer: and women who drink a lot for some reason get cancer much quicker than their counterpart, males; or women who do not drink a lot. This is not a cleaver put down for women, it is a fact, go check it out. I have seen it in the AA meetings, and clinics and hospitals. For women as they progress in their drinking stages working their way to the chronic stage will acquire cancer quicker than males, or those women who do not rely on it. Women and men are equal in many things, but in this you women are ahead of us, I dare say.

Another point is women and men who go into a clinic for treatment, women will heal quicker than men, and leave in the 28-to-30 day program; whereas men will stay much longer, not dealing with the depression, or other issues they may have. Again I say, it is a fact, I’ve seen it. Thus, we get more suicides from men than women on this issue.

But back to the premise, my therapeutic view is: stop drinking, simply as that. You don’t need the stuff, or do you? And if you do the only reason I ever gave my clients to use was for suicide. Let me reframe that. If you feel you are going to commit suicide, then use, and get help, because you are committing suicide anyhow—slowly, by drinking, but at least you have a moment longer to think about it, or get help.

Note: what I have not brought to light I will in this brief note, for I do not have time to put everything into one article. I have not talked about smoking cigarettes and drinking, or eating disorders while in chemical usage, or anorexia Nervosa, or drugs and alcohol mixed; the causes for relapse, stress factors, a persons workload, shift work, nature of the job, rules, etc. Schizophrenia, as a dual-disorder in usage, and the potential in is affects, such as cancer. Nor weight loss, gain, insomnia, fatigue. Violating our values, and its psychological affects, and the stress-cancer link; I could put most of the above in the category of choices, but all play a roll in our lives, and again I say, alcohol normally is the number one culprit in the rest of this maze. Did you know; out of the two-million convicts we now have in prisons, 90% were chemically related. I worked in the prison, area for seven years; I think the counselors end up needing more help than the inmates should one pass that seven year mark.

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A Path to Relapse Prevention [Volume II]

2006-07-07T19:03:00.000-07:00

A Path to Relapse Prevention,
The Inside Passage

Volume II

By Dennis L. Siluk

----A Common Sense Book----
On Understanding the Sensitively, Thinking
And Repair work needed for the Alcoholic and Drug Inflicted

Copyright@ 2003 by Dennis L. Siluk,
A Path to Relapse Prevention
All rights Reserved

Dedicated to:

… All the hardheads out there
Trying to sober up…don’t stop,
Stay sober…and drug free,
Life is short enough…

◊

Acknowledgements

Thanks go to:

Dr. Patricia J. Sullwold, VA MED Ctr. for
Keeping me alive these past 15-years;
My wife Rosa for her ongoing
Support in my writings and devotion,
And my mother Elsie Siluk for her help
During my early recovery period
[Who has recently passed on to meet her Maker]

┼

Book by the Author

The Other Door, Poetic Exhortations, l980
The Tale of Willie the Humpback Whale, l981
Two Modern Short Stories of Immigrant Life, l984
The Safe Child/The Unsafe Child, l985

◊

The Last Trumpet and the Woodbridge Demon
Angelic Renegades & Rephaim Giants

◊

Tiamat, Mother of Demon I
Gwyllion, Daughter of the Tiamat II
Revenge of the Tiamat III

◊

Mantic ore: Day of the Beast

Everyday’s an Adventure
[Short Stories]

Chasing the Sun
[Travels of D.L Siluk]

Islam, In Search of Satan’s Rib

The Rape of Angelina of Glastonbury 1099 AD
[The Green Knight]

◊

A Path to Sobriety,
The Inside Passage
Volume I

A Path to Relapse Prevention,
The Inside Passage
Volume II

Aftercare, a Path through It
The Inside Passage
Volume III
◊

Romancing San Francisco
[Volume I]

A Romance in Augsburg
[Volume II]

Where the Birds Don’t Sing
[Volume III]

◊

Death on Demand
[Seven Suspenseful Short Stories]

Death by Desire
[Nine Stores of Suspense]
[To be released]

٭

The Mumbler,
Slayer by the Second Self
[To be released]

The Curse of the Viper Family
[The Abyss Virus Worm]
[To be released]

The Fruit Cake
[A Comedy-Tragedy]
[To be released]

٭

Love and Butterflies
[For Elsie Siluk, my mother]

She fought a good battle,
The last of many—
Until there was nothing left; --
Where at once was plenty.

And so, poised and dignified—
She said, farewell in her own way; --
And left behind,
A grand old time,
Room for another: --
Love and Butterflies…
That was my mother.

Dlsiluk 7/03

Index:

Part One

Prelude: The Inside Passage

Chapters:

1) Chapter One—Introduction on Understanding Prevention
[Plus ‘The Calling,’ and ‘Rosa’s Story,’ from Peru]
2) Chapter Two—Similarities: Sex Addiction vs. Alcoholism [part I]
3) Chapter Three—Similarities: Gambling vs. Alcoholic behavior [part II]
4) Chapter Four—Behavioral Stages of Alcoholism

5) Chapter Five-Discussion on Behavior: Trust
6) Chapter Six-Discussion on Behavior: Criticism
7) Chapter Seven—Discussion on Behavior: Triggers for Relapse
8) Chapter Eight–Discussion on Behavior: Self-esteem
9) Chapter Nine—Resistance and Co-dependency

10) Chapter Ten—A Look at some Characteristics of ACA’s

11) Chapter Eleven—Prevention: My Philosophy Statement

12) Chapter Twelve—Prevention Zones and the Secret

13) Lifestyle choices and the 12-steps [a review]

14) Drugs and poisons [a birds eye view]

Notes: 1-on Confusion and Thinking
2-on Living on the streets
3-on Books on the subject
4-on Recovery and Limitations
5-on Graphs

The Lonely Child
[A commentary on the needs of a child, a story on love]

Part Two

The story: “A Woman in Pain”

Captions of other books by the Author

“Nothing is free; your bazaar alcoholism or
Drug induced behavior may reap its rewards
Now—but later on the tab must be paid.”

Dlsiluk

Prelude
[The Inside Passage]

Before we get into the bulk of book let me try and capture just one impression, if you do not mind. In prevention one must repeat to oneself the word ‘balance,’ so as not to forget it; --you will see this word here and there within the book. This word, both—counselor and client, must remember, the reason being, one-size does not fit all in this recovery-prevention hypothesis.
Your program can be different than your neighbor’s, --different than the other person’s—why? Ask the question, “Why not?” Because you are different, your personality, your emotional make up, your creativity, your character, your spiritual beliefs, culture, psychosocial background, your private life, your gender, your occupation, they all play a part in making you just a little different than the next human being. All-in-all, what we see here then, is really a different ‘anyone,’ and this ‘anyone, or someone, or everyone’ have/has different needs, wants, goals, --and this ‘someone’, like it or not, is you, yes, Y.O.U! All such things must be brought into the picture. Again one-size does not fit all in the world of recovery, and prevention.
During times of what I call, high-tide [rough times that is], balance in a person’s life is hard to hang on to. An example might be, ‘stress’. If you sense a trigger nearby [coming], or you are being triggered because of stress, move on over, let go of it, whatever you are hanging on to, that is. And that might be to stop involvement with those who are not good for your sobriety. Ask yourself the question, “Why should I stick around here… around someone who is negative all the time?” They bring you down, make you uneasy, move on over, let them have your chair, --forever. Find people who do not irritate you, appreciate you. No need to explain this to anyone, just do it, they will find someone else to play god with. This is your sobriety, your time, and your equilibrium; this also goes for jobs, court time, anything that involves stress. As one acquires more sobriety time, than you can take on more; also, --this is the time to learn how to differentiate between feelings and thinking, or better put, emotions vs. thoughts, s/he will be building up more tolerance for battles in the future. But you can’t expect a newborn to go out and fight the world. The recovering person has to know his/her levels of tolerance, and stay within them.
Let me give you an example. I had about two years of sobriety at the time, and I just gone through a divorce. I put $300 down to rent an apartment, and the next day my mother said, “Why not live with me for a year, save your money, and you can maybe buy a house,” something like that. And so I said, ‘ok,’ it sounded great.
Now I had given the landlord a check, so I could stop it, and so, when I called him, he said “No, you cannot have the money back, and if you stop the check, you are responsible for six months rent, but I’ll overlook that if you leave the check alone.” Well I thought and thought and thought on this. Now alcoholics respond on emotions more than thinking [usually], and I was angry, and wanted to show him, not sure what I wanted to show him, but something, possible he could not get away with this legal thing, even though it was legal—it doesn’t make sense, right? I know, but that’s just how we think; any how, I was going to stop payment on the check, and then I got thinking. First, I did sign a contract, second, I was responsible for it, third, I’d get $300 back within the first month of living with my mother, whom was charging me only $100 to live at her place. Forth, I would not have to go to court, fight this person, who was right in principle, yet I felt since only 24-hours had elapsed, I should get my money back; well, I left it alone. And once I let go of it, I slept well, and right or wrong, I did not have to go through the stress. I lost $300, but kept good credit with other people, no court, and got my money back in 60-days besides; you can’t beat them odds.
So we got to balance our do’s and don’t out. OK? Ok. You pick the battles, not your neighbor who will say, “Get him, and get him good, how he dare do this to you…” and then he runs off to some unknown hiding place, saying, “That’s my advice.” Yes they get you all riled up and leave you out for the crows. Plus they do not know your condition, only their cheap advice. Free advice is normally, what it sounds like, low-browed at best. Find a real friend, one that will give you time, and be there for you. Look at all the corners, then make a decision.

Introduction Chapter

Chapter One

Understanding Prevention

To understand, or even work with the concept of Prevention, it is worthwhile for the person involved, to investigate its nature and its secret; for it has both. And in the following pages, I will try to unveil just that. No more, no less. We are going to look at an assortment of things, elements if you will. And at the end of this book, if you make it that far, if you make it through the book that is, there will be my Philosophy Statement on Prevention, to review if you wish. I put it at the end of the book simply because I do not want anyone to get confused with the forthcoming chapters; by and large, it leads up to it anyway, I felt it simply blends better this way.
Those people who are dealing with Alcoholism, for the most part, I am most directing this book to, but don’t put it down, if you’ve read my first book on addiction, you will understand why. We will look at the whole addiction arena; from gambling to sex and drugs per se. [Drugs are packaged in with alcoholism.] To the non-addicted, this will be quite informative.



When I think about this book I think about the poem Robert Frost wrote called, “The Mending Wall,” I was going to make it a subtitle to the book, but decided against it, yet I want to look at how I see the poem with how I see prevention.

First, it is not how we deal with addiction per se, for although that is the dilemma we face here, it is not where the roots are, it is rather the surface, and we need to get underneath it, or put another way, underground, that is where the problem that bothers me is, which is coping with sobriety. Yes, right where the roots get the nourishment. Second, when I say “Mending Wall,” I am referring to the protagonist, you, the abuser, the user, the dependent, and possible you the tag along [co-dependent]. But what am I really saying? Well, it is just this: --we addicted people build walls around ourselves. We wall ourselves in, oh yes we do, believe it or not—I know someone out there is saying, ’hogwash’. If that is not obvious, you are still walled in my friend. Having said that, let’s go to another level.

I want to back track a little, and then get back to where we where headed. This being my second book on ‘addictions’ I wrote, and my 20th book in publication to date, I want to let you know I have 17-years working in the addiction field, so you’re not getting a recruit, second, I have worked in the behavior science field 30-years; and [last but not least was deleted editing] moreover I have over 19-years sobriety. Whenever you talk or read, or watch anything in the addiction field, be it alcoholism, drugs, compulsive gambling, eating disorders, sex, know who you are talking to, or reading. As I used to tell my clients, look for the credentials, if there are none go find someone who has them. Plus every counselor is not made for every client. And last but not least, my philosophy, as I explained in my first book on addiction, “A Path to Sobriety,” is, and remains so in this book, “To use whatever resources work for you, to remain sober.” Let me add, in working with a number of different clients with dual disorders, I find: nobody really cares what you know until you show how much you care. I will try to be sensitive as well as putting as little humor in my books as is in my soul to do so, that is, make it an enjoyable to read, --without destroying the seriousness of the material.
I find we recovering people have had enough pain; --we really do not need anymore, we’ve lost, and lost and lost, I will try my best to make you a winner in this book, but you got to accept it. However if I fail in this, it is either you or me that need to get additional counseling, if it is me, I will seek it.

Having said all that, let me also add, I do not get into the god thing all that much, but I will have you know, without God, we [or I] are but fragmented pieces of a puzzle trying to be put back together again. I have found in this field that God is most gracious, if you try, He will help, even if you deny Him. And when you go to AA, NA or GA, or for that matter, any emotional, or helping group, to include the 12 or 16 step groups, God plays a part. We can choose our higher power, in any manner we wish, but make it higher than you, that is the trick. In essence what the counselor is saying or AA is preaching, is that, you need someone bigger than you. You’ve tried it alone, and it doesn’t work. You need humanity. Get the picture. No more of: ‘It’s me man, me alone against the world.’ If this is your mind set, you better read my first book, and then come back to this one.

As we proceed along, there are many subjects that will come up, I will touch on them one by one, but for a full understanding, please seek additional literature on the subjects, for this is neither an encyclopedia or study guide, on Prevention. If anything, this book should be used more for a handbook or pocket book, a help book explaining the possibilities in the prevention field of addiction; and a reminder you are not safe if you use.

≈◊≈

The Calling

Before we get into what I call the guts of the book, let me kind of present a starter, beginning, not sure if that is really what I should call it, but in lack of a better term I shall, --yet, if I had another choice I think I’d call it, “The Calling,” because there is a hidden voice inside all of us alcoholics, and drug addicts; --this hidden voice gives this calling, most of us just drink more until it shuts up. But a few of us, and only a few I’m afraid, let it haunt us, until it wakes us up. And then, and only then, we can go to town and recover. This is what I call, “The Calling,” oh yes, if you’ll be quiet for a moment, listen, stop the drugs for a moment, the booze, it will call, you will hear it. Alcohol, it has its roots:

Arabic = ‘al kobol’ =”The finest of something.”
Latin = ‘Spiritus Vini = “The Spirit of wine.”

In the Middle Ages—a great discovery was made, chemists discovered wine could be distilled, producing a very strong beverage known now as, Brandies, Whiskies, and Liqueurs. Before this great discover, man [and woman] had only wine and beer to contend with. Such a shame; in any case, from there came the deep human cravings we inherited [over simplified and under developed, but we get the jest of the matter, don’t we?].

And then one day, an ancient Greek man wrote “Never walk at night and in the winter when you are drunk?” Why? I’m from Minnesota, and to me it is obvious, but let’s goes back to the Greek. Let’s look at his saying, his ‘why’. It is said, he wrote these as his last words, meaning or indicating, he was to be buried somewhere on alien soil [while he was dying], and did not take a liking to that.
In winter time alcohol intoxication is very dangerous. And most people do not take preventive measures. I had a friend who was a boy-scout leader, mine to be exact. When I was about 20-years of age, I asked to somebody how he was still doing. His friend told me he had been out in the snow with a group of kids, being very heavy, he stopped to rest, told the other scout master to go on ahead, he’d catch up with them later, but he fell to sleep, and froze to death [I dare not say too much more on this matter, but everything has a price, and yes he liked his booze].
To be a drunk is liken to be a broken oar on Lake Superior in the middle of the night with a storm coming on. And so to you, my good friends, those who wish to sober up, throw away the crap, or is it crack, the storm is here, and you may be in that boat. The Ancient Egyptians knew that man or women were forsaken once they got a liking for the pleasures of drink, which did not remain sweet forever; yes, they knew plainly that hidden under the canopy of alcohol, is a curse, a curse that profligates, until total destruction appears.

◊

Rosa’s Story—From Peru

From my wife Rosa Siluk [and I shall quote her]:

“Let me give you one more story, of my home in Lima, Peru, concerning a drunk. He was a lawyer, and when he used to drink, he never looked comparable to one, simply messy and out of sorts…out of reality, no dignity, acting and looking similar to a beggar. In any case, one night, and I capitalize on the word night, because it fits into the Greek saying my husband was talking about, and there in Lima it is not cold like in Minnesota, meaning, it was not cold, for in Lima it’s warm and nice weather. Anyhow, one night this fellow was walking through the park, and he fell down, and was found dead the next day [and if there was to be anyone to help him, it most likely would have been during the day, not night] so like the Greek implied, night again seems to be in more dangerous when intoxicated.
This thing called drinking is not only a North American subject, or Egyptian subject, or for that matter, a South American or Greek subject, it is a world issue, an international-global and ancient issue. And as my husband would say, you can be part of the recovery element, or part of the drinking issue. But like him, he now has been sober for 23-years, you can be part of the recovery element, and I am very proud he has buried it. I will never fully understand this problem because I’m not a user, nor ever was; but I believe what he says, because I’ve seen it in my country.

≈

I only want to share this second story with you because I do not want people to die, reminiscent of my brother [Augusto], who died because of alcohol; again it takes place in Peru. He started drinking when he was very young because issues he had, that he never seemed to solve. When he was 21 he stopped using alcohol, but it didn’t do any good, he got cirrhosis of the liver and died. Now he would be 56-years old, had he made a different choice earlier on in life. But I know it is hard for young people to see this, it was for him.

Thanks for listening to me, and I shall now return the book back to my husband.

◊

Note by the husband: My wife was a little fearful about saying her brother was 21-and died of such a disease, and asked if she should mention it. I didn’t give advice, rather facts and experience, saying, “Reality hurts, young people die also, maybe not as quick as older ones, but in some cases they do, and so no one can drink large amounts safely; no one, no one, and I mean no one.

Chapter Two

Similarities:

Sex Addiction vs. Alcoholism [part I]

This might seem to some, as they read on, that we are getting off the beaten path by presenting similarities between sex addiction people and alcoholic people, but if so only for a moment, or chapter. And I feel we need to look at some of the components we’re talking about, if not for the afflicted, for the recipient of the behavior by the afflicted, or to make it plainer, the co-dependent.
On one hand it shows many of us may be in the same boat, called Addiction, and trying to jump over to the other boat, called Prevention and Sobriety, this might be good in itself. Having said that, let’s look at the similarities between the two; we will first mention sex and the second comment will be referring to the alcoholic [in doing this chapter also, we can look at what behavior needs to be modified to bring the person out of his/her crisis, which in most cases is the reverse of what I am saying; also we may want to remember, prevention comes into play by modifying and not duplicating]

Sex Addiction vs. Alcoholism:

a. Both try to alter one’s mood [escaping and/or avoiding]; it is for both parties an analgesic [meaning, euphoria effect is sought].
b. Both violate one’s values
c. Organism, equals =Substance intoxication [believe it or not]
d. Both will sacrifice job, family, relationship loses
e. Both have preoccupation components
f. Both have urges
g. Both have a loss of control
h. Both have fantasies
i. Both have disregard for consequences
j. Both have imprinted images
k. Both have affairs [one with the bottle, the other with flesh]
l. Exposure=DWI’ s [legal issues can be for both]
m. Pornography [can be for both]
n. Both have the experience [one the bottle, one the person]
o. Both show unmanageability

Yes, we are resembling ducks in the same pond, we only look different outside and our actions may be altered a little, but inside we are both paddling up a water fall; --both hitting our heads against the wall. Both listening but not hearing, you know, going in one ear and out the other.

Belief System

Now let’s look at the belief system, some of it will look like imprinted thinking [the blind following the blind one might say] and unmanageability. In many cases both parties [the Sex addicted and Alcoholic] believe in the same system, and in many cases the sex addicted is an alcoholic; let’s see if you can point to something familiar, that is, let’s see/review what excuses we used for our bad behavior:

1) I’m not worthwhile
2) No one cares about it
3) It’s a way to relax
4) Sex is most important
5) Sex makes isolation bearable
6) It is needed for stress
7) Just my needs
8) Everyone likes it

The cycle is: 1) Preoccupation 2) Rationalization 3) Compulsion [act] and 4) Despair

Recovery: 1) Reverse alienation [establish a caring environment] 2) Find a new belief system and thinking 3) Work the 12-step program [to emerge from being a double pretender].

Chapter Three

Levels [understanding what level you’re in]:

Sex Addition:

Level One = Masturbation
Homosexuality
Prostitution Regarded as normal
Heterosexuality
Relationships

Level Two = Exhibitionism
Voyeurism
Indecent phone calls/liberties [illegal / victimized]

Level Three = Incest
Child Molestation
[Severe]
Rape

Note: Life can be destroyed at any level

The Gambler vs. the Alcoholic [part II]

Gambling addiction in many ways is similar to Alcoholism, both having alike criteria; for example, preoccupation, increased tolerance [meaning, tomorrow it will take more to give you the same mood altering affect your actions have today]. Also, both addictions have alike repeated efforts to reduce or stop. We see here a big control issue, despite the problems it is creating such as family, social and occupational issues.

I have worked with gamblers as well as drug addicts and alcoholics, the bad thing about the gambler, he can acquire his addiction a lot quicker than the alcoholic, believe this or not: --it is more psychological. Let’s say 18-months for the gambler vs. 5-years for the alcoholic. You can put any kind of figures you want in place of mine, but the gambler and alcoholic know it takes a brief time to get psychologically hooked into the chase of gambling. For the counselor who says this is bullshit, go business and get some hands on research.

The gambler, similar to the alcoholic and addict, share some essential features, such as: progression, no stopping power, preoccupation and disregard for the consequences. I think we heard that for the sex addict also, but again many of us are in the same damn boat. In point of fact, a compulsion to use/gamble at any cost is the premise.

In comparison to alcoholism, the gambler is more psychologically addicted I believe, or can be, I know I’m repeating myself, so what, listen, the destruction to relationships, social behavior and professionalism seem to be at the same level of significance with both addictions, as far as destruction goes. Oh, it’s a hell of a merry-go-round. Stick with me, and we shall go around some more.

The Secret

There is something you may don’t know in this paragraph. So, please, read this very slowly. No, no, do not turn the page…not yet, for a great many Chemically Dependent folk, who get on to the recovery road, transfer their addiction to gambling. Oh yes, “WHY?” Is that what you are asking? I did a long time ago, that is to say, ask that very question. It is called the treatment centers do not teach what they should be teaching, because they don’t know I suppose—know what? No problem, you will know in a second, without having to pay that treatment center $125 for an assessment. You get it for the price of this book.

Oh yes, when I worked for a freestanding facility many years ago, for every hour I talked to a person one-on-one, I made a check mark on a paper, and that paper with my name was given to the finance people, and the client was charged $100 for every check. Unbelievable, it must really be high now, not sure, I write books now, maybe I should go back to those check marks I made more money. Anyway, as I was about to say, many clients leave treatment sober but burdened with unresolved issues, with no solving techniques, character defectors and/or dual-disorders not checked [be it depression, anxiety or alike]. This person then steps into a world not knowing how to deal with his/her feelings [i.e. repressed anger/hurt, etc]. He avoids conflict, intimacy, hurt, and pacifies one’s self with an escape [call it gambling]; this is called disassociation. If you are gambling in many cases this is exactly what you are doing; --avoiding issues: --trying to hide, when there is no tree to hide behind. It is like sitting in a meeting day-dreaming. That is what you are doing. Get off the pot, and stop it. You gave up one addiction for another that is all you did.

For those who are thinking about experimenting with this, let me bring a little more information to light. Please listen, you can read a little faster if you want, but don’t speed read yet. When the new victim-to-be learns winning is a high, he also learns that he has to chase the loss [the no fun part], but continues none the less. Despair and panic is just around his/her corner. Anti-social behavior comes along for the ride, in the quest for a high; and it most likely is now an addiction. In many cases the alcoholic will relapse acquiring what we counselors call a cross-addiction [simply two addictions], to your learned experiences.

≈

We must remember, this book is about Prevention, and therefore, each chapter should be viewed with that being a pathway…in the above cases we have looked at similarities of sex, gambling and alcoholism, and many of its characteristics; but the end result must be to remain sober, or addiction free. And so remember what provokes might be a way for you to make a list of behavior you need to work on, a prevention list, plan. What to avoid. Call it a: “Relapse Prevention Plan.” Under one line write “Undesirable behavior,” if you wish; --maybe under another line you may want to put, “Times I’m most vulnerable”, and make sure you are at the movies, or with friends during these weak times. For me I was always vulnerable between 7:00 PM and 10:00 PM, and so I’ve seen every movie in town. I had certain friends to call up—I asked them if I could call them when I was feeling the urge. I had a list of about seven people I could call. I had a list of AA and NA meetings of the whole city. Man oh man, this is no game, this is it? Life or death [I’m really trying to find some humor to put into this book but I’m failing in that area, sorry]. You can play around with this and expect to get away with anything, but it catches up with you, and will bite you right in the ass.

Chapter Four

Behavioral Stages of Alcoholism

There are several stages to Alcoholism, and at this juncture, let’s look and see where you may belong:

1. Pre Alcoholism Period: This is usually part of a gradual increase in drinking; finding more occasions to drink, experiences of feelings of freedom, adequacy and confidence [because of usage, you should have that without usage]; and it often turns into relief drinking for these people in this category.

2. Problem Drinking Period: This is a period one goes through where they find themselves constantly needing relief drinking [prior to alcoholism itself]; the person consumes greater amounts of alcohol than he did previously, and finds him/herself drinking by themselves [solitary drinking].

3. Pre Alcoholic Stage: This is a stage one really needs to counter; I consider it more of a transitional stage in the sense that you are at a point of no return when you find yourself gulping down drinks. But let me show the progression. First the drinker starts to get black outs, and may not even know it. Some people have had them for days, finding themselves in Paris or some far off land; believe it or not, when they wake up, have no recollection of the travel. Then the user graduates to hiding drinking, and to drinking before parties and social events, gatherings if you will; --now we are at the gulping stage, and you forgo social events, or use those events, to justify drinking, and if there is no drinking you avoid them. And on to Avoiding stage within this state, that is, talking about drinking comes about and again solitary drinking may get worse.

4. Acute Stage: This stage has to do a lot with physical and mental complications one gets from chemical usage. As one acquires these complications, they contumeliously get worse; --such as having unreasonable behavior; confusion and frustration; always seeming to end up drunk; an overwhelming sense of guilt prevails, and extravagant behavior and the loss of esteem stagnate the person.

5. Chronic Stage: there is what is considered the early and late chronic stages in alcoholism; that bare many complications also. I have had a few friends of mine die because of this stage, and one in Vietnam: gastritis [farting oneself to death]; encephalitis [inflammation of the brain], also considered a water brain, you’re fried my friend; nephritis [kidney] they can shut down eventually; and complications with the heart.

Note: I had recently learned of one of my old friends, whom I went to high school with, who got involved with drugs of and on, never ever able to quite kick the habit, went to prison, there he died of an overdose. It is very sad in that I remember him overly healthy. We fought, laughed and drank together. Actually several of my friends have ended up that way. Every time I go back to my old neighborhood I learn of a few more that have died from drugs or alcohol; all before their time.

Note: for myself, I have had many of these physical combinations at times of my usage, and thereafter; and still have heart issues, had to have a bypass some 10-years ago; --had extreme problems for many years with gastritis. Had two strokes, and ended up with MS. I’m sure all in one way or another because of my 22-years chemical usage. We don’t get away with much in life. So to the youth, time goes by fast, and you will find yourself with complications, like it or not, so stop while you’re ahead, like my wife said in the beginning of this book.

6. Early Chronic Stage: this is often marked by a change in attitude, no more concern about drinking, or responsibilities or for that matter one’s activities. He/she shows disregard for family issues, and carries a lot of self-pity; often times he/she is hospitalized off an on; carries extra ordinary fears wherever he/she goes, and a decrease in sexual energy normally appears.

Note [on my Mother]: Somehow I kept my job, paid my bills; that is until the very end, I call it round two. I sobered up for one year, then my wife still divorced me, and I went back to drinking, and lost my job, car and you name it, I didn’t have it. Thank god my mother took me in, and let me sleep in her backroom of her apartment; otherwise I’d be dead today. I would have never made it back then, back in the l980’s. My mother has recently passed away, but she never made fun of my illness, or for that matter, took advantage of me because of it. She was a real mother, one with courage. And because of her, I am finishing this book; I was not going to, since I have one out on the fundamentals of Addiction, this being the follow-up one might say. But she pulled me through the hard times back then, and possible, this may help someone. I may never know. This book is the room, the back room my mother gave to me, take it my friend, while you can. People don’t often knock twice at the same door. Thanks mom!

7. Late Chronic Stage: in this stage if you got a friend I hope he kidnaps you, takes you to a hut in the middle of the Arctic, and sobers you up, if not you’re a dead person waiting to be buried. In this stage the drinker is in total social isolation; is having prolonged benders; has a loss of morals, [that is to say, nothing will embarrass him at this stage]. He has increased tolerance [he either has to increase his drinking to get the same results, or if it is reversed-tolerance, he will use less for the moment because his system is saturated]; and last but not least he has what is called ‘unnamed fears’. He is the living dead.

Chapter Five

Discussion on Behavior: Trust

In the world of Prevention, “Trust is a Must,’ why? If you want to skip to the last chapter and look at Prevention, it might help, otherwise let’s simply look at the beast called trust first, and see where it might fit into Prevention, ok, for the why, will emerge; plus it is part of the secret I mentioned in the beginning of the book, you know, I said Prevention had its own little secret for success, well again, this is part of it.

I. Trust is –

Concept: trust is having a basic belief in the goodness of others [in addition to having a reputation of being a trust worthy person].

a) Now let’s put a little higher tone to it. It is also, a “Generalized Expectancy”

b) Also, it is a “promise”

Both of the above [‘a’ and ‘b’] are related to a group or individual.

Now let me make a few statements I believe in, and have found for the most part to be true: people who are high in trust are better adjusted psychologically; --in general, everyone likes a trustier. Also, the more trust worthy a person is, the more moralistic the person is [and I say, usually], and is frequently involved in good works. And so being a trustful person, makes for a happier person, plus, prevention becomes more adaptable for the person, because the person is seeking a better life style; --the end result, the person, or persons have an improved chance in remaining sober.

c) Being Gullible [easy to fool]. This is a touchy area while in the arena of ‘trust,’ but let’s dig into it; --gullible in the trust world is not a nice word, it means believing or trusting in someone or another person’s statement when there is clear cut evidence that the person cannot be believed.

My friend is not what trust is all about. You must tell this person you are not trust worthy, and if I were to trust you, I’d be simply gullible. In short, that is called prevention [and is what is needed to be said]; from being gullible one might be lead into a relapse.

II. Trust can be Taught

Yes, you can teach yourself to be more trusting, simply follow the dots…

a) Believe what your mate tells you; honesty in communication [belief, is trusting, unless you would be gullible, meaning, there is a good reason not to trust].

b) You must gain confidence; --usually this is done by doing something over and over in a consistent manner; if you want to build trust that is.

c) The parties that are working on trust must be together [how do you expect to work on something and not be semi-connected]

d) Give consistent messages to each other [if you say you’re going to the store, do not stop at the gas station, or pick up a paper, or stop and talk to George, Sam, Brenda or Diane---go home after your shopping is over; nothing like ‘I told you so’

e) If you do not trust, act as if you do and see what happens [or see if you can prove the person wrong, or prove yourself wrong] hopefully by trusting when you do not want to, your disbelief will be shattered by evidence that the person was trust worthy.

f) There can be danger in distrusting, terrible things can happen. Often times the less trusting we become, the less trustworthy our own behavior becomes. Again this can be harmful to our recovery, and prevention outlook.

g) We can model and encourage trust

Conclusion to chapter five: High and low thrusters are capable of both being fooled; it might be wiser to trust simply because we are happier that way. And being happy is what recovery is all about, and it is what this book is all about, preventing us from going back to using, and trusting is simply one pain in the ass out of the way, so we can go forward.

Chapter Six

Discussion on Behavior: Criticism

Often times during the process of healing, and working our program to remain sober, prevention comes in many forms. One thing, addictive people are real good at is, “Control”. Yes, we got normally end up having some horrific issues in this area. We want to control everything and everybody, but we are out of control, --are we not? Well, in a nutshell, criticism is a form of control believe it or not. And in the world of prevention, and Chemical Dependency, which you have chosen to venture into by picking up this book and reading it, Criticism, otherwise known as denigration [of the term I hate, which is belittling, but like to use] can get in the way of wholesomeness, that is, acquiring it, so what I am trying to say is work on it, I mean really work on it. But let’s look at this beast a little closer:

1. Control: It is the art of verbal abuse and disapproval. Now for those wives out there who are trying to figure out why their husbands, boyfriends, sons or whomever, is always saying something to make you feel guilty, in a loud voice, swearing, and cutting you down all in one breath, this is called criticism, and he is using it to try and CONTROL YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get it. Show him this paragraph……………. Now if that person doing the cutting is looking at this it is you trying to control, YYYYYYYes YOU, --get off your high horse and get repaired, for you are damaged, and in need of help. Now to the other person, the one getting the scorn, you do not need to stand by and listen to his/her bullshit. If I were you I’d send the other person roses as a farewell gift, quick. If you allow the abuse-and control to continue, under the addiction umbrella, you will be sicker than the other person. What person with a healthy mind would stand by and allow the other person to scorn them forever and just bob up and done like a fishing line?

2. Criticism: Did you know, Ms. or Mrs. or Mr., this is a cause for depression-episodes? If you are a recipient of this criticism, get out of it; go to a hotel, or whatever you can do, do it; after awhile, when the damaged person is working a prevention program [and has dealt with the control issue], you can consider moving back in slowly…yyyyyyyy, if that is what you want, after you find there are nice human beings out there, you may never want to go back. In any event, you only get more depressed at his expense while you stay under those conditions, and then come weaknesses, and heart attacks, and strokes, all that crap. No one is worth that bull…. Let dead dogs lay, for that is what they are when they do not seek help; yes, they are worthless to themselves, and any and everyone around them.

3. Power: It is not the person who has the power to disturb you, nor is it the comment he/she makes. What does that above statement mean? Now your afflicted mate will want to see this, but do not show him or her yet. This is one of those areas considered “For your Eyes Only,” [for either the dependent or co-dependent]:

You need to look at yourself—

a. Overcoming fear of criticism [how!]
b. Identify your negative thoughts [when being criticized]
c. Analyze your thoughts for illogic or wrongness [remain calm]
d. Comments right or wrong [if the comment is wrong forget it, if it is right you’re not perfect, make the correction]
e. Ask the question: “Do I need their approval?”
f. Remember only your thoughts can upset you, therefore, think realistically.

Note: How you measure your thoughts is how you will absorb the comment. If you accept it as less than nothing, it is a worthless comment, a rhetorical statement. Pay no attention and go on your way; it is not worth your time. The more time you give it, the more worth you give the comment. Plus, on the Prevention Scale, you will notice it will not have the ability to provoke a relapse if you down grade the criticism to Zero; then get rid of the goofball.

Chapter Seven

Discussion on Behavior: Triggers of Relapse

Anything that has the potential for triggering a relapse is a point of contention for Prevention. By and large, you need to work on it, eliminate it, and get rid of the unhealthy behavior [this is recovery my friend, no time to play games]:

1) Listen, look, and analyze what people are saying about you, doing around you. Why, simple, if you are too rigid, you may need to become a little more flexible.

2) If people are saying you react too quickly, emotionally, angrily, you may have to find out if there is a chemical in-balance in you; or if it is just the early stages of recovery, and you are relearning new emotions; that is, being flooded with several emotions at once and becoming overwhelmed by them. Check it out.

3) If you are not solving the problems you feel you should be in your recover process, you may need to practice focusing on issues and on one thing at a time.

4) If you are a caretaker, and most women are, they are in-born with this asset, if you will; --it is a form of rescuing people. They do not need care taking, or rescuing, rather nurturing. But what I was leaning towards is for you to learn how to “Let go…ooooooooooo,” now.

5) If you are a yes person, practice saying no.

6) If you do not know how to be quiet, it’s a good time to start.

7) If you are always being taken advantage of, get rid of those people , and find new ones, associate with those who do not take advantage [oversimplified, but to the point]

8) If you are an asshole, and fond of making trouble for everyone, but you’re trying to improve, stop blaming and pointing fingers, behave, and listen, most asshole [like you] know about their high and mighty make up, --they got a good mental picture of just who they are, --snobs are snobs, you and I both know that, they just want the power to continue to be snobs, but we as recovering people do not want to continue with it; so let them drawn in their snobbery, and you and I improve.

9) If you can not stand angry people or arguing, learn how to, because it is costing you a hell of a lot to be a peace maker at any price.

10) Last, but not least, so I heard said, learn responsibility: “Everyone wants their rights, without responsibility,” our recent, but not present, Minnesota Governor said that once, Mr. Ventura. Why, because it is part of being a damn man. Everyone wants to know nowadays, what is a man. The first thing is “responsibility”. Don’t worry about what the woman feels a man is, she doesn’t know. And if you don’t, you just learned one thing about being a man, responsibility. And when the woman says: “I’m leaving your ass for the guy down the street,” let the bitch go, you know why, she doesn’t want a man, and that is why she’s hunting. The first step is for you to become all you can, under the sun. A good woman will pick up on that. There are not a lot of good men to pick from, so you will end up being a good catch once you do the work you need on yourself.

Chapter Eight

Discussion on Behavior: Self-Esteem

In this chapter we will look at self-esteem, in the world of prevention we need to know we are equal to the person next to us, that there are no differences in equality, but there are differences in roles. Having said that, which I should have saved for the end comments I feel, but wanted it to be up front, let’s go into it deeper.

If you don’t mind, I’d like to make three parts out of this chapter, if not for your clarity, for mine. I have learned in life to make things simple for myself, I get along with everything much better that way.

Part I

Pieces of Self Esteem

A) “Self Esteem” is:

a) Self-worth
b) Ego needs
c) Human pride

B) “Self-Esteem” is:

Self-esteem, in essence hangs on the threads of the human hunger for dignity or honor or respect or regard.
It might be noteworthy, that the lack of self-regard [that is self-esteem] is usually in the form of antisocial behavior.

C) “Anger”

Often times anger is based on fear, that is, the feeling of being threatened, insecure, lack of self-confidence, which all comes from WHAT? Yes, you got it—low self-esteem [we fear because of the lack of control, and we have hurt underneath anger]. But let’s look at anger with self-esteem closer.

Other things that come from low-self esteem are:

1) Lack of trust [we just looked at this, how everything interrelates]
2) Trying to prove yourself [self-approved]
3) Shame [feeling inadequate]

D) “Self-esteem: --High/Low “

1) Low self-esteem says: I have fears of commitments, and that solitude is too embarrassing [something that needs to be worked on]

2) Negative Pride says: I don’t need anybody; also, no commitments, or optimism [again, another area that needs to be worked on]

3) Positive Pride says: I’m self confident, inwardly secure and non-defensive [all elements of prevention for the most part]

Note: the above areas need to be reversed, solitude can be good. We are complete with or without someone else, if you think not again; you need to work on this area. And in the world of pride, we all need people, as soon as we discover this the better.

Part II

Pieces of Self-esteem
That hangs on for dear life

The following things come from low self-esteem:

Faith= lack of trust which translates into-insecurity
Egotism= trying to prove you’re somebody
Shame= disgrace

This all deals with having a poor image, or in support of, making a person have a poor image of “Self”.

Part III

Emotions
Mending ourselves, Preventive Maintenance

In Prevention, we are working on ourselves to become the best person we can, if you are not, I’m not sure why you’re reading this book. Prevention says I need to stop “Something” before it happens. Preventing it from happening; again the last chapter explains it better; by and large, to become this person, that you have set out to become [kind of reinventing oneself] you want to become, takes work, understanding and working on emotions, all part of the trip, the road map if you will. Part of the “Mending Wall,” for so many of us have build walls around ourselves, walling ourselves in, and others out, silly isn’t it, but we do it.

There are certain prevalent emotions that inflect our personality and destroy our self-worth, which is the same thing as self-esteem; these developing negative emotions block a person from developing, let me bring them forward, for they are all criminals [one must remember feeling and thinking are two different things].
Feeling is an emotion, thinking is a thought; we do not, or should not react to our emotions, we have them all day, and when we do—have them all day—we go up and down with them, up and down we will go, similar to a roller coaster; but we should not react to those emotions, rather, we should react to our thinking, that is why, we should think before we act, or react, that is [it makes sense, right?]. Now let’s touch on a few troubling emotions, but first let me add, emotions are neither right nor wrong, they simply, just are:

1) Inferiority: feeling [sometimes thinking] you have no value; --
Replace it with “I, as a human being, have value” simple.

2) Depression: stops our motivation in life, you need to replace it with:
“Dreaming the dreams that motivate you in life’s-service”

3) Anxiety: stops our need for silence and meditation, replace it with
“Silent security/meditation” [allow time for church, spirituality]

4) Guilt: blocks our mental system from putting away ‘perfectionism’;
Reality say’s, “I’ll do the best I can”

5) Resentment: stops our acceptance of other’s imperfection; replace it
With “Accepting other’s imperfection”

6) Fear: blocks love or giving [fear is a feeling of danger]; replace it with
Love/giving [love destroys fear]

Conclusion note: Know that you are equal to the person next to you; also there are no differences in equality, but there are differences in roles.

Chapter Nine

Resistance and Co-dependency

This chapter will be quite small compared to the previous, but in the few lines I will offer, remain a big importance, for with resistance, not much can get accomplished.

Resistance: is a fear, or put it another way, defense not to get close. In this case, resistance can involve denial, deletions, distortions and generalizations; I call those little white lies; in essence, one tells the self: you do not have to do what you must. You see, we played the game so long, and fooled so many people, we ended up playing it with and by ourselves, but now to ourselves we can fool without hinder, interruption: Why—no one else want to play anymore. In prevention, we can not nurture resistance.

Resistance blocks the natural process to Change [Prevention]

Resistance is a defense not to get close, a fear

Resistance breeds resistance [that is, whomever you throw it upon, expect
to get it back in your face]

Elements of Resistance: Control=insecurity [which is feelings of being unsafe]; insecurity=fear [which is a lack of trust]. That is why we must work on all the elements in this book, one connects to the other.

Advise: Go with the flow, it is all you can do, if you are a counselor, or onlooker, break it by using immediacy= a challenge.

٭
Co-dependency

Bottom line, co-dependency is “The loss of self”. I really need not say anymore, but I will. There have been tons and tons of trees cut down to write about this subject called co-dependency. When in essence, it is not all that complicated; or at least that is how I see it. But let’s look at this creature for what it is worth:

A) Co-dependency often belongs to your mate, in a relationship—but, can also belong to you, the addicted, or slave to the habit.

B) Co-dependency says: your partner is addicted to you, as you are to the substance [alcohol, gambling, sex, or drugs].

C) When all a person can talk about is his/her partner, consider that person Co-dependent.

D) Relationships of the Tri-Circle: Here is a kind of mental graph game. Try to visualize it, if you will. In circle one of these relationships you will only find one person fully in the circle [draw a circle on a piece of paper if you want, I can wait…..ok, now], the other person, person two is half in and half out of the circle, not like person one who is in the circle fully [waiting for the other person to arrive, so we will see how he or she arrives], making that second person not quite in the full circle—whole [meaning he is only half a person in the circle], and therefore, co-dependent [on his mate; but the person fully in the circle is not co-dependent but rather, can be interdependent]. In circle two [draw another circle now], you find both persons in the circle [draw two people in the circle please] but interconnected, making them inner dependent; some say this is healthy, some say not healthy enough though. In the third circle [draw another, I know, you’re getting tired, but if you’re not visual, this is best] you find both of the people fully in the circle not touching one another or connected and this is considered healthy. This allows each person to fully grow at his or her speed, and able to distinguish badly from good, should one become unhealthy, the healthy one can get out. Thus, if you are joined too tight together like in circle two, or halfway in, like in circle one, your guess is as good as mine, we fall into the concept of allowing others to make our decisions for us, and of course, in many cases, they make decisions that are good for them, not necessarily for our benefit.

Conclusion: Seek your higher power [God]; let go and go forward in your life; and last but surely not least, and maybe I should have put this first, find a good 12-step program, and work the first three steps quickly.

Chapter Ten

Adult Children of Alcoholics [ACA’s]

I do not care to elaborate too much in this area for we have briefly talked about co-dependency and in a like manner ACA’s follow a similar pattern. Inasmuch as, co-dependency can occur in many ways and forms, ACA’s may find their descriptions of behavior parallel. And we can go as far as to say, they are two peas in a pot. Prevention in this area might reside in the fact you need to own your own behavior, get out of denial, and modify undesirable behavior. Something that seems to be repeated over and over in this book, and so I will not repeat it so much here, but first…

first if you sense some of these characteristics belong to you, and you have an alcoholic parent, then you need to seek recovering for your freedom. In the long scheme of things, you can make your recovery process, and/or assets as soon as you claim your freedom. Some of the behaviors you may find here may or may not belong to you in the following areas:

1) Control issues; --not only with yourself but control of the feelings and behaviors of others. This is really called ‘Fear of losing control,’ one might add.

2) One might call this area of thought ‘buried feelings,’ that is to say, having a flat affect. Often times anger and sadness is withheld as a child, thus the ability to feel or express is thin at best. Again fear plays a roll in this dilemma.

3) Conflict. In this area we find fear, again it plays a huge role, but this time the person is usually fearful of people with authority; or angry people [anger can be used as a tool for the opposite party to get control of you]. In any case, as a result, the person avoids conflict, because of the fear factor. You see that is not approval, the very thing they seek. Make sure you do not find a place to hide, many do. Learn how to face what you have to. Become assertive without becoming aggressive. There is a difference. Aggressive is attacking; being assertive is saying and doing what you need to do, no more, no less.

On a personal note, One of my ex-wives had a hard time dealing with anger. And so her ex-husband [not me] and her two children knew how to win every fight with her, just get angry at her and you won the fight. Again, it is a control tool. Maybe what you need to tell yourself is that, anger is a natural emotion, and people are allowed it, as you are. And if they want to express it, it’s fine. If they want to displace it on you, it is called abuse, and it is not fine. Tell him/her, you are trying to control me by anger-persuasion tactic, and that is wrong; it is wrong because you are not being allowed to act in a free manner. If they disrespect that, they disrespect you; tell them to fuck off [sorry about the F word, put for once it fits].

4) Responsibility. Oh yes, we got to bring out the big one again. The big hammer that is, the thing nobody wants to hear or do. But you can’t have rights without responsibility, our ex-Governor said it, and if he ever said anything, this to me was the one thing he was 100% right in. Normally ACA’s and Co-dependents have this over-developed sense of responsibility; --especially women, who want to caretaker a person. I know women are born with these care taking-characteristics, but you must learn to nurture, not caretaker. The difference is, in care taking you walk for the person, in nurturing, you teach him how to walk. Don’t put on his shoes my dear friends. And if you do put on his shoes and walk for him, I’d work on self-esteem.

A Last Note:

Life is never easy in recovering, working on prevention, trying to remain sober. Trying to deal with emotions, the thinking process, becoming the person you were meant to become. But you know, it is life, it is what it is all about. This is it, our stage, our world around us, or time. And so the four areas I mentioned above are but a few areas that are lying on the table for ACA’s and Co-dependents to look at, and let me add a few more so you have something to look forward to, how about: feelings of guilt, inability to relax, harsh self-criticism, denial, relationships being quite difficult for you; a little food for thought. If these areas are issue for you, you need to work on them.

Chapter Eleven

My Philosophy on Prevention
[For Clients and Counselors]

Everyone thinks a little different, although in many cases, especially in the helping fields of humanities, akin to Chemical Dependency Counseling, we have similarities. And that is why I have called this last section “My Philosophy on Prevention,” it may differ from others, yet I sense it is not all that different than my colleagues. Having said that let me provide below my statement to you; it may be a little complex, but bear with me; incidentally, the secret I mentioned is right around the corner, I think you already know it though.

Prevention can come through many channels, such as the school system, the community, the family, the one-on-one counselor. Early identification can give potential abusers an alternative or stop a potential crisis. My belief is that a Prevention Specialist, or counselor for that matter, should have some knowledge and/or experience in four models of prevention; --as to help his client. Not having these the client should, I believe, seek another counselor who does. The client can check the “helpers” resume out, that is to say, where he acquired his training, knowledge and/or experience, such as internships, schooling, etc. Ask him or her, or ask their bosses what is his background.

Now you may be asking, “What have I used in providing my clients information…?” In the Socio-cultural, I’ve used lectures to DWI recipients. In a like manner, I advise people seeking Prevention tools to seek out good lectures in maintaining sobriety. At hospitals I have worked at, I’ve used the social psychological approach using educational tools to include ‘Distribution of Consumption,’ model with both in-and-outpatient clients.

The Public Health Model; --as I have stated in a number of ways in this book and my previous book on sobriety, in the area of Prevention, my belief is, in a nutshell, is to use ‘whatever means it takes to bring about sobriety [legal], to prevent a potential alcoholic or drug addict from using, or for that matter bring an end to an addiction related crises; yes, I will do whatever it takes to do this, as you should. Remaining sober is a process, if need be we must, break the blocks of denial, over and over, creating change in our drug of choice. Prevention requires effort, and this effort reduces the outcome of alcohol and drug use in a monumental way.
For me the Health Model is simply, to help the person become all he/she can. Meaning, as a counselor my job is to help you become, and as a client your responsibility is to become, as healthy as possible, in a round-about way [this circle of recovery involves, social, psychological, spiritual and physical health]. Again I stress, your goal and mine should be for you to become as wholesome as possible.

Client & Counselor

This is why it is so important for the client to pick out a good qualified counselor, he is helping you reshape you, and he the client is counting on it to happen. He/she [the counselor] should be directing you to a variety of areas [this book could be one]. But let me go beyond this book: predominantly I’ve used the 12-steps in the past, and preach them; give or have AA lists, Aftercare and continuum of care outlets should be available for the client, co-dependency groups can be recommended for the client, confidentiality in the area of one-on-one counseling must be kept, and insure you as well as your clients have friends to talk to.
Learn the disease concept to understand your make up. Learn early identification of your traits. Learn the difference between in and out patient treatments, to see what you may need if you predict a relapse. If you are not sure where you are at in the addiction stage, or what the word means, seek a pre-assessment: finding out if you are an abuser or dependent. Get a healthy attitude. Learn coping skills, cues, or signs for yourself. Education can mean salvation my friend.
Treatment and prevention often look alike, and in some ways are inseparable, I believe. Usually treatment has a consequence, prevention does not. Prevention is preventing the occurrence of usage, chemical usage, as treatment is in itself, treating the user in a controlled program.
Prevention programs can help identify problems before they become severe, or should be able to; --again it is the program and the counselor, the client needs to look at, plus the client can not be resistant, let go and go forward, do not forget that phrase, quote it everyday if you have to: “Let go, and go forward”—that is the end product. There are three areas of prevention, hang on to your seats and thinking hats, we are going into a new zone, but you need to know what they know—the counselors, a little bit anyhow. There are good, very good counselors out there in this field, do not be afraid, or intimidated to seek one out. They are not gods but they do their work, in most cases, have his blessings, you have to work in this field.

Chapter Twelve

Prevention Zones

Zone One: Primary Prevention. You need to operate on a level that will alter the set of opportunities; risks and expectations surrounding your environment as a whole [use it before abuse occurs]. Example, get government and/or public education regarding your addiction [learn all you can]; you’ve got to be changing your customs, values, and norms; presenting alternatives for drinking, or taking drugs, --for personal growth.
Remember the old saying, “No pain no gain,” simple dedication, and the lazy man is out. It is like everything in life, how bad do you want it? That is the big, big, big, big, big question. Mother Teresa once said about a potential new student who wanted to be train by her, with her, but Mother Teresa after receiving her letter of introduction and request, never responded back to the student’s letter. A reporter, who knew this, asked Mother Teresa why she never did, and she said something to the effect: If the student really wanted to be here, she would be here. In a like manner, in l968, I was studying Karate in St. Paul, Minnesota. Everyone talked about the Master Karate man Gogan [The Cat] Yamaguchi, and his son Gosei. And so I travel 2000-miles to learn from him, and we became very close friends during this period of my life in San Francisco. And all the ones who thought about it back in Minnesota in my dojo [gym] were of course left out. And so, if you want it bad enough, you will get it. No game playing with yourself and other though. Don’t waste everyone’s time if you really do not want it.

Zone Two: Secondary Prevention. This area of prevention, it is supposed to identify people in the early stages of chemical dependency. It is more focused on a select group [respectfully]; --for the client and counselor, we’re looking at early identification for individuals who have potentially harmful family drinking histories. If you have, you may have to pull away from them to maintain sobriety. And as a counselor, you may have to tell them so,--but you must believe in it, for it is his/her life. I would not hesitate to tell the person to keep his or her distance from a family that abuses or uses alcohol, if need be. Matter of fact, I would confront them directly and let them know where you stand, or I stand, and although you may love them, going back to usage is not an option, they must go before you start using; you can simply tell them, “I can not be around you…” point blank. No jokes, this is serious business. Like it or not. Don’t worry, they really do not want to be around you most likely if you are not using anyhow. To them you will simply be a dead-beat watching them get drunk, and no one wants a guard standing by.
If you can’t say that, then go get drunk, high, there is much more pain out there waiting for you. And have a happy and miserable death with your loved ones for you’re all going to die before your time. Matter of fact, throw this book away, it is not going to do you a bit of good with that attitude. Nobody, I mean nobody out there cares Mr., about you getting fucked up as much as you, so don’t expect the bar tender to have sympathy, he doesn’t, it is not what he is getting paid for. Watch your friends fade into the long lost sea, as you sober up.

Zone Three: Tertiary Prevention. It is a fancy name for a counselor to use, so the client can’t understand it I think. You know one of those things when you ask about prevention, and he says, “Oh yes, we will have to use Tertiary Prevention on you,” then give you a $100 an hour bill. Not sure what this book cost yet, but you get the same information for the price of the book, and it is not $100-dollars. Good deal right?
Tertiary Prevention is a basic grouping, trying to end compulsive use of alcohol [in other words, addiction per se]. Let’s look at it a little closer. This area of prevention measures, or could measure I should say, the contaminate level of a person’s intoxication. Let me try and explain it in a different light. It tells or should tell a person he or she needs de-intoxication or institutionalization. It is used for a chronic person who is modeling or showing bad social influences. An example might be, or was when Billy Carter, Ex President Jimmy Carter’s brother went out to get on a jet, and stopped by one of the wheels [landing gear] to take a piss; this was live on TV, and the whole world seen it. This was a chronic alcoholic who was modeling contaminated social influences. Sorry that’s the best I can do with that big word “Tertiary.”

Conclusion

In the world of addiction, such as: alcoholism and drug abuse, along with the many other addictive psychoactive drugs, like caffeine, smoking, etc. and eating disorders, gambling, sex, etc. One must remember who he or she is listening to; and for the counselor, who he or she is talking to. By and large, women’s groups are different than child’s groups and one might have more genetic components involved, also ethnic factors play a part in prevention. And to take this to other level, age groups, such as, the 20’s think different than the 40’s groups. In this world of prevention, it is not the old or new, not what is good for the goose is good for the gander, quite the opposite, the truth is, we are all different, and all need truth, and a way out of this mess of addiction. What is good for the gander might be foolish for the goose. Remembering we are different, and may need different cures, can be helpful, as in some cases of homosexuality, bi-sexuality, etc.
Once a black-woman, about 30 said to me, prior to a one on one session, our first session to boot, after finding out I was her counselor, she said: “Now what can a white, older man do for me, you got to be kidding.” She had a good point, and I needed to answer her question. You see, all counselors need to answer questions. You can tell the difference between a good counselor and a great one. The good one will be learned, like the great one, the great one will have it “in born” he is born with the skill, and he will always have the answer; maybe not the one you want, but it will be 9 out of 10 time, the right one. And when it is not right he will walk away, let you know, and most likely say, “Educate me”. How do I know, well, because I’m one of those great counselors, believe it or not? I have always had the answers, almost automatically.

If I was talking to a Prevention women’s group, I might be talking to them about the high risk factors such as cancer, suicide rates, and death from scleroses, in comparison to men. One thing all groups need is to be taught discrimination.

Moreover, prevention I believe should attack a conglomerate network to include your health, illness, and the causes that may lead to death; behavior effects such as paranoia, apathy, depression, intellectual impairment, and nutrition. In addition, proliferation of adolescent crisis to where their social skills are hindered should not be excluded. So parents look; and counselors, include.

In closing, you being the client, or the wife, or husband of the inflicted, your counselor should be an advisor, advocate, consultant, teacher, in addition to a counselor. And his job, as well as the individual’s job is to harness a potentially wild horse before it looses control and gets outside the corral. I would say good luck, but let me change that to say, God Bless.

◊

The Secret

People are not the same, and it is silly to think one race or culture can use prevention the same way another can. I grant you, you must leave no stone unturned when you are in your pursuit of achieving the ultimate in sobriety, in the training of your body. With this issue, nothing can be overlooked. Likewise, you can neither live for, or in the past, but keep seeing new methods in keeping yourself from old habits. All this is Prevention in a nutshell. Although everything is important in Prevention, and some things more so than others depending again on the race, culture, gender, age, etc. One thing, “The Secret”, is the most important, when all is said and done: that being, again it is not practical to think everyone must do it the same way. Your Prevention Plan should be adaptable to you, not to anyone else. As I have also mentioned in this book and my previous one on addiction, “What ever it takes, do it.”

Prevention is a fight at to the end, in saying that let me share an experience: I had taken up karate in San Francisco [l969], in the late 60’s with the famous Gosei Yamaguchi, and his father, whom I met, was none other than the distinguished “Cat”, Gogen Yamaguchi. And I had learned back then in studying karate a secret, and now as a counselor, I have relearned the same secret, after all these years, and in all my studies at the four universities I attended I have learned a secret, one thing among everything else stood out for success—balance; --in college it can be simply sitting in the right seat so the professor can see you, it helped back then, believe me; sometimes it is more simple than you think; yes a balancing act of getting to know him or her, could be it. The teachers often would look for you, and some people would be sitting elsewhere, but I’d be right there. It helped me in more ways than one can imagine, if anything, to get to know the teacher. And of course, sleeping well, and eating right helps the thinking, the mind becomes balanced. In karate, we learned many things, the Cat Stance being one [or a battle stance], but all in all, we learned how to rest the body in a perfect balance; thus, the movements to follow, went with the laws of physics, and gave me the time to apply more speed in relationship to my mind and body’s needs, call this balance my friend. And in the Army, of which I spent eleven years, again I witnessed “Balance,” in play, conformity, unity, balance in cadence in marching, in marksmanship, in everything. I was a Staff Sergeant when I got out. In any event, balance came in handy then, and it still does, even as I am writing this book, it has to have balance. Let me also add to this writing on balance, it was especially needed in Vietnam where you needed to balance emotions with thinking, and do it quick: --and trust your senses, a balancing act to say the least.
In a like manner, Prevention is stopping something before it happens. And when it comes down to the wire, you must use all the skill and wisdom available to you. There are no tricks here. You can not go into this blind, and expect to come out with the whole picture; that is to say, you can not be a blind man touching a horse’s ass, --for in describing it as to being a horse although your intent would be right, your picture would be wrong. And again, the picture in Prevention can not be wrong. If truth is missing in your heart to go on this adventure into Prevention Land, stay home and get drunk, you will not make it; go play with the blind man. Only in that totality can you find this balance, its true picture to be.

◊ --The secret in Prevention is “Balance”.

Chapter Thirteen:

Overview of the 12-steps

I can’t remember how many times I went into AA or some support group and they were talking about the 12-steps. Sometimes they were working on step one, or step five, or step ten. They all seemed to know what they were talking about, but when I asked them, afterwards in the coffee room, they could only related to step one, four or ten. Why I asked myself. Could it be they didn’t learn them properly? Grabbed the first three and said hell with the rest. Let me explain in a quick review how I see them. For in recovery it helps to understand everything underneath, hiding, that is, under the surface.

Step one; is considered one of the God steps; read it at your leisure, and as you do, you will see its character is imbedded in power, yes, yes, yes, power, power, and more power. The first three steps deal with god, so we call them Control or God Steps. What are we really saying in these three steps? Here it is in a nutshell. If you do a good first step and a bad third step you might just as well start all over. Step one you admit, step two you find faith, and in step three you find hope. Within these three interlinking steps you find out your life is ‘unmanageable,’ and if you don’t, you haven’t worked them. Put the book away, and go get plastered, because you are about to, anyways. Then come back when you are ready to admit your life is ‘unmanageable.’
We’re still on the first three steps so don’t go avoiding this paragraph, get back here. Now let’s take the power, and god, and name these steps ‘Higher Power,’ steps. Why? Because your life is unmanageable, and you need someone bigger than you to put it back together, like Humpty-dumpy, one might say; -- in a like manner, I guess you could say, when you do say, ‘my life is unmanageable,’ you are—at that point—acknowledging, say again, acknowledging insane behavior on your part.
Now who is your higher power? Since you may not believe in God, pick out a noun=person, palace or thing. That will do for the time being.
So you see the first three steps is like the ‘Three Musketeers,’ all for one and one for all, sort of anyhow.
Now let’s call them the Decision steps; -- for are you not at a point of trying to make a decision? Yes you are, and by the time you finish these steps, you should have made your first big decision; if not, you need more pain. I know I keep saying this, but it just is not going to work without the ‘willing’; stop fighting this, you got to let go and go forward; the fighting is over, over, over, over…got it, it is OOO—VER!!.

Step Four: Here we go again. Someone says: “Let’s work on step four” and you get confused with steps 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9, --why? There is really a good logical reason for this, because they are all interconnecting steps [making them look similar]; oh yes, don’t get mad and throw the book down and say these other people are teaching me wrong [in my book “Aftercare,” the 12-steps is explained in more detail, if these paragraphs are not enough information for you]. They are teaching you the way they know, as I am. When I used to do group therapy, I would always give this sermon first, and then the next day starts with the steps. And if a person came in late, I’d give them a hand out explaining this, and have him explain it to me later on, and sometimes in front of the group, and if he couldn’t I’d have to give another lecture in this area somewhere along the line because I’d know the person who came in late would not get the idea of the whole three parts of the steps [being, the control steps 1 thru 3, the action steps, 4 through 9; and the maintenance steps 10 thru 12]. Having said that, let’s remember the three first steps where you made your first decision in this program, connect with the bottom lower six actions steps, where you put the decision into practice, and both the action and control steps have to be maintained, or polished, and so we got the last three steps that connect with the two upper sections, in doing just that. You see, it’s becoming easier, I hope.

Now let’s try and connect these six action steps together. These are all called action steps. Let me repeat: action, action, action, action, action. I always do that when I want to memorize something. I say it five times.

Step four [#4]; you got to make an inventory. Step five; you got to admit to god, and a friend or someone of your wrongs, get it out. Find someone understanding, not judgmental. Step six; you should now kind of know your issues, problems, defects or behavior you want modified, change. These are the things you learned wrong, and consequently, need to relearn right, again. So this step called #6 is like 4 and 5, is working on the things you glued to your personality, character if you will, long ago. For example, envy, anger—remove them, ask your higher power [from step one] to cut them out of your mind, flesh. Have you ever seen, or heard of people talking of a certain people who say he’s stop drinking but…, “He stopped drinking but keeps on talking with that same old rotten mouth of his, and still has bad character” [?] Well my friend, he worked the first three steps, and got lazy and didn’t work on the next six action steps. YES, he is sober, but he is acting like a ‘Dry drunk,’ which is a person who has stopped drinking, but has the same old behavior. He needs to work the ‘Action Steps,’ not only the three control steps. But not doing this, he will be a recovering alcoholic with the old alcoholic behavior, God help his family.
You need to realize your defects. Sometimes these hidden defects, or unwanted behaviors are called ‘blind spots,’ because you do not even know you have them, or that in the above case, you’re talking silly [rotten that is, and unaware of this]. So at this juncture, three or four people are saying: “Hay, what the hell you are talking about,” stop and think, --listen to what these people are really saying [they are saying you are a sober drunk], maybe you need to work on a certain area. Be true to yourself by being upfront with yourself; --if you do not want to fix yourself up, so be it, that is your business, and we, or for that matter, no one can make you, but don’t pretend, pretence is a waste of time for everybody, it is just working against the grain, spitting in the wind one might liken it to, and you start to take it out on everyone around you. Say your goodbyes and be honest with everybody, you’ve given yourself enough grief throughout your using life, --along with everyone else, we’ve all [they all I should say] got a stomach full of you, and you got a stomach full of you, go and die in peace.
And you do know that is the next step, #13. Nevertheless, these ‘Action Steps’ is a gateway to the last three steps called the “Maintenance Steps,” or “Prevention Steps.”

Step Ten: Actually we worked through these steps quickly, haven’t we? See I told you so. You may say, why doesn’t he put down the actual working for the steps? First, you need to do some work, if I put them down you’ll have me doing the work, this is unfair and I will not be abused. Second, when you learn a language, you talk in that language. That my friend is what we are doing now, talking in the step language, and very few people know this language, usually only counselors. When someone says let’s work on step two, what first comes to mind? Think about it before you read on…………………….got it, it should be ‘Higher Power steps,’ then you should say to yourself, ‘these are all linked to Decisions.” Now when you go to steps 4 through 9, what should you say? The man says, “We are working on step seven today.” Think again……………..got it? You should be saying something like, ‘Action Steps, these are action steps, therefore, I got to work on behavior.’ You may not be able to define the actual step, but you know what highway you’re on. Before you were lost in the cloverleaf, got the picture? For example, let’s say a person says at AA or NA, we’re working on step ‘8’, now you can’t quote it but you know it’s an action step [I repeat], and it is linked to step 5, and that step 8 and 9 are linked together pretty tight. In any case step 8 means you got to make a list of people you harmed and 9 indicates you should make amends.
Now you go back to 5, admit to a friend, remember we talked about that. Now let’s look at step 4 which is linked to step 5, 6 and 7 which are linked pretty tight together. Step 7 indicates you got to remove your defects, but 6 indicated you came to a realization, and 1, 2, and 3 you made a decision to go forward on with this healing process, and that you couldn’t do it alone. You see how the first three blend into the action steps? I know we’re supposed to be on the last three, 10, 11, and 12, so let’s blend in [I get carried away sometimes].

When you buy a house it doesn’t stop there, you got to mend fences now, right? Sure you do. Just like in recovery. This is why we call this book ‘prevention’. And steps 10, 11, and 12 are just that—preventive in nature, simple. In these steps you continue to take YOUR inventory, not your neighbor’s, or mother’s, or wife’s or brother’s—just, yours, yours alone, yours, yours, and only yours alone—we like taking other people’s inventory, and pointing fingers, don’t we? Oh sure we do, we use the ‘butt’s’, and the ‘if’s’ real well [you know what I mean, “If only I had the chance,” or you may hear, “But you don’t understand.”] We understand real good, once we sober up, and we know addicts and alcoholics are professional liars, they can manipulate so good, it is unbelievable, they’ve had enough practice they should be good. Matter of fact, we spend more time perfecting our treasured bad behavior, we got little time for comforting others. But we have to, it is life or death with us, right, we got to have that drink, or that fix. The square person doesn’t understand this, and this is why you and I could fool them. They kept thinking we were predictable, and had limits in what we’d do, but we fool them, we went far beyond those limits. Maybe even selling, or hocking our wedding rings, does it hit home. How about taking money out of a loved one’s purse, or pocket, haw; oh I know you know what I’m talking about. You may not be saying it but you’re thinking, ‘been there, done that,’ but in a different way.

☺

What is an inventory? It is what is happening with you, what is happening in your life. YOU are the inventory. Yes, for once it is all about you, you, just the way you like it. Are you still envious? Are you still walking downtown saying, “Mother Fucker, mother fucker,” you know, that great vocabulary that you picked up in the bars, in the alleys, while telling your friends how tough you were, you got it now, right, the tough guy syndrome, we all get it, it’s not your invention, should you be so damn arrogant and think it is—try and get back to being a human being, not a sponge. If you are not out of the ‘Mother Fucker,” stage, you are not working the last three steps. Now don’t tell me how hard it is, I already know, just work it, you will find no pity down this lane, this is ‘Pitiless Lane,’ my friend, you got to walk it, but not necessarily alone. If you can go hunting, bowling, to movies, to work, screw at night, if you can put out all this energy, you can work the last three steps.
Step’s 11 and 12, indicated you will need ongoing support, meditation prayer, --this will help keep up the spirit within you, plus guide you, in case you start shifting to bad thinking, also known as, ‘stricken thicken’. And the last step, as a result of doing this workout of sorts, you need to help someone else, stretch out your hand, it will not fall off, don’t be so tough. A king once said: he got better results from being humble and gracious than from being strict and unwavering. If you have made it this far, God bless you, you have worked a hell of a program, and you, yes, you are one of the few lucky ones that got this far. If you got this far and have not made a decision to work this program, to stop your usage, God bless you none the less, but stay away from me. I work with the willing, not the silly. Only 1.5 % of true addicts and alcoholics make it this far, this far meaning, to a sobriety status, which last over two years. You can be one of these people, right now, celebrate if you have, celebrate if you’re going to start. If you can’t you will celebrate anyway, but it will not be my way. If you have stopped, or are stopping, and you can’t for some odd reason celebrate your non-usage, you got to work on that also, it is called shame [people with shame find it hard to celebrate, shame is feeling there is something wrong with you]; it’s all part of a tune up my friend.

Chapter Fourteen

Drugs and Poisons:

Let’s take a quick look into the world of drugs and poisons. It might be rousing to know, poisons start with plants, and same as drugs do, just like your drug. And we can look at psychoactive drugs, such as tea, coffee, tobacco, for instance. And then we can shift to more hazarded drugs such as alcohol and narcotics. Let’s point to hashish, opium, cocaine, morphine, and heroin; the most prevalent of today. But also let’s look at venomous pets, such as scorpions, snakes, millipedes. In the world of prevention, do we not poison ourselves in the long run? Is that not how we die, killing ourselves little, by little, while our, our internal organs rot away. If you think not, you have fooled even yourselves.

This area of poisons is seldom mention in books, not sure why, it is one of the most preventive-needed reviews in the whole spectrum of substance abuse and/or dependence.

And so what do poisons do? They paralyze; such as hemlock [prussic acid]; found in Europe [I will come back to this a little later possible], but did you know Socrates drank hemlock [Ciruta Virosa] and died from it, a plant known as cowbone, the toxin in this plant is virulent and horrifying in its affect, the form he used was the spotted hemlock, not water hemlock, which is a convulsive poison. In any case the first systems in the poison cicutoxin, takes 20-minutes to bite you. The mouth and throat will burn, abdominal pain comes, nausea, a sense of intoxication takes over, dimming vision occurs, and drowsiness; --the suffer becomes helpless, and feeble—you do not escape its crushing forces. In either case, both are killers; and after these symptoms are used up, then come another symptom called convulsions. I use this as an extreme example that drugs can be used wisely to help, or unwisely to destroy a system, and most can be put into the category of poisons, especially if used wrong.

Curare —arrow poisons. We find poisons in red beans from Mexico; from potatoes, tropical thorn apples. Botulinus—bacteria bring instantaneous death; poisonous fish: such as, dogfish, sting rays, river eel, worms and snails, the common toad , bees and wasps, and Spanish fly.

All these poisons can be a blessing or a curse, and some can be weapons such as mustard gas used in WWI, “x” poisons, yperite, vomiting gas, chloropicrin, thilone—worse than the side effects of the atomic bomb; nerve gas, sarin, soman.

And so I bring these drugs only to your attention so we can look at the whole picture of chemical substances available, abused, and used, and which we die from.

Notes by the Author

For the most part, these notes are brief at best, possible too brief, but I felt I should put them in for clarity sake, and for those interested in a little more detail in this overwhelming-mirage called addiction and prevention:

Notes: 1-On Thinking and Confusion: The drunk says, “Why can’t I remember?” This happens more frequently than you think, especially to those who have had a long history of alcoholism, or for that matter, not so long history with PCP. In any event, the drunk says, “What?” His trouble is in thinking, the brain, and I’m sure you already know this, and if you do, so let it be a reminder. But as I was about to say, repeated usage will fry your brain, or put a different way, water it down to where you can not think. It’s not you getting old that is doing this ‘memory loss,’ thing, it is simply the effects of not allowing the brain to repair itself. And after a certain point of time, some people’s makeup never can repair the loss.

Notes: 2-On Street Living: I once read a Medical Doctor, who wrote a book on alcoholism, say all the alcoholics are living on the streets. How untrue this is. I was an alcoholic; I never slept, or lived on the streets. Matter of fact, all the alcoholics I knew, never did. Grant you, there are many who do. But let’s look at it for what it is worth. If you want to drink, you work, and you hide the fact you are an alcoholic. I did it for 17-years, and then I got to the chronic stage, yet I still did not live on the streets.
The truth of the matter is, a very small percentage live on the streets, and the rest are living right next to you, your neighbors, your friends, your world leaders, your singers, and writers, and artists, and your loved ones. They are in your churches and at your job location, working next to you.

Notes: 3-On Books on Prevention, Aftercare and Support, Addictions: I’ve been to several bookstores, and I’m quite surprised to see there really is not much on Aftercare, and Prevention, and just a little on Addictions. This has provoked me to write a third book on this subject, called “A Path Through Aftercare,” be looking for it.

Notes: 4-On Recovery and Limitations: Some people believe quite the contrary to what I’m about to recommend, or suggest to you, but so be it, they need to live it, and most of the people I’ve read or heard it from have no-hands on experience. In any case, let me explain, the first couple of years of recovery, make life simple for yourself so you do not have to make big life choices, work on remaining sober instead. For the early recovering person, what we [the person who has many years of recovery, myself included] call normal, rational and healthy choices are not confusing, but can be for the early recovering person. During my first years of recovery I took a part time job, then a full time job, just to acquire more sanity, clarity in thinking, learning how to deal with emotions. This might not be possible for you, but none the less, try to avoid the bumps in the road, or facing trials not necessary. Solving problems of recovery are of utmost importance. Again, try and make life simple, you can gradually jump into the ocean later. Reminiscent of an infant, you don’t start out running, you learn how to crawl, then walk, then run. Make a plan, know your limitations, and go follow it.

Notes: 5-on Graphs: Graphs in books of recovery for the recovering are not simple for one to impress on another— we do not need to do this in this book, nor do I want to. Plus, it takes too much valuable space, leave that for the scientist. Most graphs are negative in nature, or so I believe, rather than supportive to the recovering. In most cases with graphs in this area of study, the person doing the measuring takes them out of assumptions; one example might be, calling a slip a relapse to get a bigger or smaller account, number. If you have two years recovery time, consider yourself one of the lucky ones, that my friend is simple and truthful.

☼

The Lonely Child
[Commentary-stories]

Do you greet [or did you greet] your children when they were home from school? Did you take them to church, or simply tell them to go [by themselves]? Where is the MOTHER? Did you know she is one of the most precious gifts God has given to mankind?
It is funny when I think about it, children in particular, society buys dogs, cats, fish and birds for their apartments, to keep their company, to feel loved; some buy horses. And all of this is fine, but too often it is apparent it is for taking the place, the love place for children.
My mother’s love for my brother and I never stopped during our highs and lows throughout our lives, me being 55-years old today. During my recovering years, she never criticize me, maybe she didn’t understand, but none the less, she did not belittle me, overlook me, I credit her for being more noble than I would be in such a case. I realize, and I think she did also, no one can be or do everything for the other person, but we can be there for them, she was for me.
The little girl, the little boy—they run, and run away fast, and when they do run, they look for replacements—if you are not available, usable for them as parents. They’ll follow the damned, if they can see love linger in them.
Why do children get ill, sick? Ask them and see what they will say. I worked for a Free Standing duel-disorder Hospital some years back, very well known throughout the country. I worked in the children’s ward, and yes, I asked them simple questions, and here is what they answered:
“I want my mother…I want my mother…I want my mother,” endlessly. Some said, “Where is my dad, is he coming to see me, when, when, when is he coming?” I can go on and on, but you get the picture. They would rather sleep in puke than leave their mother, and/or father.

☺

I have child development qualifications in my degrees, where I can work with children, I never wanted to use that part of my education, and was forced to when my supervisor reviewed all the candidates at the hospital for backgrounds. She said to me,
“Mr. Siluk, why did you not tell us of the developmental qualifications with children you have?”
I said, with a hesitant voice, “I’m not the person for that kind of position; I only got the educational background so I could understand things better.”
Then she said, curiously, “Why do you think you do not qualify to work in that department?”
I knew they were shorthanded, and needed qualified people, but I just felt I was a disciplinarian, having 11-years in the Army, and was too rigid. But my answer to her was honest and I said, “Because they are little people, and all I want to do is hug them [love them], and I can’t in there.”
She looked at me and the only thing she said, and she said it solidly, “You can report to the department, you will be a Senior Counselor there, and if you do not, please do not come back to work, we’ll send you your check.”
Well, I did report to that department. And I did learn a lot in there about their needs, but love, and a sober family was the most pronounced need I witnessed. They all wanted to go home. They all would live in shit if only they could get back their mother.
So if you are gone, go back home and get those kids; return and put a smile on their faces. The drugs and the alcohol will not put smiles on anyone’s face, not even yours.

☼

Another quick story: Recently my sister-in-law, returned to her family, in particular to her daughter after three years. The daughter, son and father were living at our place for a period of time, and the mother was 6000-miles away. The little girl was always pale, ill looking, never having a smile, unless force on her by appreciation for the little things she was given in life by others. She even asked me once to go get her mother for her, but I sadly told her I could not. Alcohol or drugs were not related to this case. But the point I’m getting at is, ‘What caused that smile to reappear?’ To be restored? You know what it was, the return of the mother. Love you learn at home, and take it out into the world with you when you leave; where there is no love only sadness, you will find a lonely child. The love that a child learns in the home today will be brought to others throughout the world tomorrow.

≈◊≈

Part Two

The Story of:

A Woman in Pain
[Revised]

Introduction

Note: Originally written in l990, and previously [2002] went up for the Nimrod Literary Award; revised only in structure, 2001-2003; --originally published in the book, “Chasing the Sun.”

This story is somewhat graphic. It entails the pain of a woman in an ongoing drama; I call it circular pain. A death occurs in the family. An illness takes place. Torment and fear run around in circles. We are talking now of a period of time in a woman’s life, when—for the most part, she was successfully employed, yet disguised herself from those outside her family, which was in particular, just her children,—then continued to play the role of a solidly lower middle class happy family.
Gracefully she kept the secret [the bad one that is, by not seeking help], which was that her nurturing family as she pretended it to be; -- was if anything, a household filled with silent nasty cries for help, vulgar at times, an empty joke of an existence, a pretence of agony, if you don’t mind, for lack of a better term. But she faced it, turned it around, and took the best out of the worse. To get the full impact of the story, you must follow up on reading the Afterward.

The Story

A Woman in Pain

The Bed

The moment Judy took off her cloths she knew something was wrong. She never understood the reasons for such an alerted instinct, but she had it none the less; maybe it was built over the years by need, unconsciously. Like an animal’s instinct to survival –they know when death waits them; yes she was cautioned, every inch of her said to be so.
She paused at the head of the bed, standing naked except for her panties, overlooking her alcoholic husband slowly emerging from a light sleep, like the dead arising out of a coffin. The chair to her right held her blouse and skirt. She had been married to him for twenty-years, twenty-two years, close to half her life; ten of which belonged to a slow but progressive disease called alcoholism.
He looked up at her with an air of superiority, not unusual, not at all, a drunken dominance filled his countenance; it was an old expression, looking at her now, not new, old, old and getting older; a ten year old one, one could say, a daily look almost, a nightly look for sure, and getting much too familiar for her system to withstand, or so her stomach and her throat told her. She was always nervous it seemed these days. The closer she got to the house, the steps in the house, going to the bedroom, the door opening to the bedroom, her stomach muscles started cramping, her legs got wobbly, and she started to sweat profusely. A stutter came from her mouth, no real words, just, “aw awwwww aaaa…’ as if she might need to say something, as if it was expected or her, as if her inner being was trying to force her to say, ‘stop,’ not quite knowing what to say, she said nothing, and thought, why should she say anything, it was a matter of not why anymore, but rather how to survive this night; she asked herself, but it would haunt her though: ‘…why did I come home?’.
She could smell the pours of his skin, they reeked, smelled, showed signs of a rotting body; they were drenched with alcohol, reeking like garbage after you open a bag of it up after a week. It was a death smell. The dark gloomy damp bar came out of his pours like osmoses. As she stood there, forced to smell him as long as she remained stationary; she could picture the bar, the people, and the life they all live in—a horrid life that was repeated day after day after day, never ending, always the same.
The bar, the common place for people to meet one may say, now-a-days, where one congregates, and dies slowly: --as if there was no other sanctuary, haven in town; is this all life has to offer? It was a question that went through her mind; it was one of the few practical ones she reiterated to assure herself, “I still had sensibility.”
She didn’t notice anything out of the ordinary, the drunken ordinary environment she was standing in, --in the room his cloths were laying all about as usual, torn off of him; she noticed his shirt, a button was missing, funny she thought, how she caught that, but she had sewed so many of them back on, it was old business I suppose. She picked it up to place it over another chair and after that went back to her bed, standing—standing by it as she was before. She had moved about to see what he would say, to see how safe she was. He was staring at her, silent for the moment, as she stood against the bed, --trying to make a decision to just remain standing was hard, or should she run, hide, what? When she wanted to run, she couldn’t, her legs would not obey; just like a minute ago, she really wanted to run, run and never stop running; she had just hoped he would not have woken up, but he did.
It came again, his solid fearsome stare, a wild evil look—as he braced half his torso up from the bed trying to focus in the dark, on his elbows, like a black cat in the middle of the night dodging car lights, he shook his head, as the arch-light from outside slightly blinded him through the window; it was a chilled fall night, and he kept the window open; she had learned most alcoholics do that for some odd reason, to cool their hot bodies down, or so they can get air in their saturated lungs. Whatever it was, it was heat going out the window, another expense. He wanted fear installed in her as usual. This wasn’t a friendly smile he was now creating on his old looking, at one time youthful face [for he was merely in his early 40’s]; --almost a smirk appeared on his drooping face, not quite but almost; he wanted something else, it showed on his face, the demand would come soon, but how she wasn’t totally sure, yet she knew it would not be pleasant.
He ordered her now to undress herself in front of him, as he stared.

[Fretfully—] she told herself, “This isn’t the man I married 22-years ago,” for the –umpteenth time. This one had a demon in him, a spirit of torment, he liked to see pain, he liked control, and he liked the stench of the lifeless. He made sounds resembling a dying boar, a dying dog, moaning for his lost soul; there was also a lustful groaning demon in him, this one, she knew would dominate her, it was just a matter of time, minutes, if not seconds; when was the issue, not where or how or if.

[Undecidedly with watchfulness] She entered in the bed almost automatically, knowing she had to sooner or later, --lifting up the covers, sheets and blankets, putting her leg and thigh down on the bed first, watching every eye movement of his, holding the covers with the left hand—holding her breath with her chest and stomach muscles—securing her right hand on the bed in case, just incase she had to run, or something, it was always that something, that bothered her. Then like a snake coming out of nowhere just appearing, his long muscular arm hurried to her hair, grabbing it, pulling harder and harder on it until she succumbed to its jerks, she now let go of her breath, it had started, no need to hold it anymore she told herself. Face first, she fell into the pillow. Her thinking was blurred for a minute. Mentally she was becoming stressed and drained, not unusual, not new just more bad memories ‘on top of new ones,’ she told herself, new ones to be; you never get used to it, never ever she told herself, no one does. You wait for it, know it going to happen, and when it does, again you ask, ‘why, oh why,’ does he do this, and why oh why do did I let it happen, all questions, no answers, no answers ever come surface, none, none, none…and you forget the why’s along the way, and go on with life. And you add to this, ‘…but not this again,’ for he doesn’t change much his mode or thought process, actually he become too predictable.
Then he pushed up his body, so he could see her, and peered over her like a rattle snake ready to devour a frog. Whatever he wanted he would take was written all over his face, with or without her consent, matter of fact, approval was never part of the equation in the past ten years. He was the scum of the earth right there, his whore, prostitute, the way he liked it, his bitch and his pussy, they were all words he liked to use, and he used them well, in the bed, at the bar, in the kitchen if he had a hangover, she knew in a minute he’d use them, and so part of the game was to anticipate, and be good at it. She told herself once if not a thousand times, this is not the love a woman needs, this is the way of a selfish man.
She closed her eyes, knowing whatever happened maybe, just maybe she could hide like an ostrich. Hide from this madman. A tear was hidden beneath her eyelid, just one; the dam, wall, barrier was not broken yet, although there were many cracks in it, she was the dame; he was the dame-breaker. ‘He wants to see the tear again, just one, I know it, but I will not let him SSEEEE…’ she told herself, in the form of a crying mumble. It would be his price, for peace, his prize to show and tell later while in a drunken stupor at the bar.
“What…tt did ya say whore…?” he muttered.
He shot a glance directly into her eyes now, as she opened them to see what his right hand was up to, she witnessed it was going onto her thigh, -then he started stroking it like a man ready to rape, like a man with sadistic-passion. But then she mumbled again,
“I’ve been raped a thousand times, once more, just more painful, another night.” She told herself, it sounds the same, 1000 or 1001 times, or whatever, umpteen times. After the 1st time, the second, third, you get accustomed to it, she had in the past [for convenience sake] told herself, you just endure it the best you can. It seems normal after awhile, kind of normal, normal in a peculiar way, she told herself, questioning her own intelligence of what normal is and is not, --also, who is normal around her, and who is not. The next question, or thought was, ‘why do I have to ask such silly questions on normality?’ She knew when she had to ask that question, something was wrong, very wrong…possible sickly wrong or becoming sickly.
Like a thief in the night, he grabbed her groin area, and plucked out some hair. Then he did it a g a I n,
A N D
A
G
G gggggggggA
IN
A N D A G A I N.
[Excruciatingly] The sound of her agony was seeping out of her body, as if it had its own internal expressions, idiom, for she was silent as far as she knew. Her body twitched here and there, automatic responses. You could hear the pulling of the hair in her crotch area, ripping of her hairs out, the stretching of her groin. It hurt, injured, and wounded her insides, her mental stability. She wiped the tears with the pillow. “He saw that one,” she cried, “He likes seeing me cry,” she said, but once he has seen it, his glory would be feed, victory would be his. It was a game for him. She didn’t know why he liked it, but his face only got more excited when she did cry, an awful excitement, stimulation he had, as if he had won a jack-pot. On the other hand, she was in a dark anxiety, a world no one came to, no one wanted to come to, and surely, no place to be rescued from; a black hole filled her brain, she had now shut out everything and everybody, disassociation had taken over, she was, but she was not; --she was in a stalled state of existence [catatonic] and nightmarish in nature. As if she had stopped at a stop sign, and couldn’t get the car back in gear, she was stuck for the moment. The dark shadows in her mind followed dark shadows circling her eyes, it wasn’t, normal reality, but it was hers, and a way to endure.
She thought God made this human being: broad shoulders, strong, nice looking, and brown hair. He didn’t make him to do such things like this to other human beings, to treat another person’s body is such a brutal way, as if it was an abomination to mankind, to womanhood, God didn’t make him to do this, he made himself to do this.
“I was a pretty woman at one time. People told me so. I was cute, they said, pretty, thin,” she told herself, face smashed into the pillow.
She read his thoughts, after 22-years, one can do it pretty well.
He said,
“Don’t say a word, don’t wakeup the KID-Ssss. If you dare womaN, you’ll be sorryyy.” Yet he was a kid in his own way…the alcohol had stunt his growth. He was no more a man than a dead horse, or dog.
She remained silent, and used. His breath was a long lasting unendurable stink, reek, stench, as dry and stale as could be, beyond words…it never seemed dispersed properly, but circle around his bed, everlasting… why didn’t it fly out the window she asked herself, everything else does, the heat, he bad language, but not the stink, not his bloody pores that reek booze; no, it’s got to stick around a punish the co-dependent. She knew what she had become, even went to a support group once, a long time ago.
She tried to shift her face away from his; the putrid smell was noxious, deadly as he tried to stick his long lizard tongue in her mouth. It was full of white foam, white with saliva dripping, --saliva dripped upon her face, slobbering on her breasts, and neck. He bit her nipples, and covered them with her hands; her body shook at that event, shook and shook, he liked that, it was what he wanted, her thin body to move as if she wanted to make love. He gritted his teeth as if he wanted to bite them off. He was playing, but she wasn’t. His breath was in the vein of toilet water. “God,” she mumbled to herself, “This is the man I loved.” She thought for a minute what she said, ‘loved,’ not love. She shook her head asking herself, “Who is he?” She again asked herself, and at that time out came the word “love, love. Oh, what kind of love
LOVE
L
O
V eeeeeeeeeeee is this?” She knew now, beyond a doubt she did not love him, but loved him at one time, a time in the past. Yes they had a history together, but history is just that, the past, it is not the future. And that is what she was leaning toward. She cried repeatedly to herself as he shoved his whiskered face against her face, scratching it, as if it was wood on sandpaper. He liked it; she knew that. “He feels like a man's man now,” she inarticulate cried softly into her pillow.
He now moved his body, positioning himself over her. She was all of 100-pounds; he was close to 200. Her panties were half ripped off by his rustic impulsive actions; not even knowing what he was doing he brushed her hips, by doing so. He took his off, ripping them with his knees, showing the barbaric, the caveman he was, and liking how he felt when he did it; and swearing all the way until he tucked them at the end of the bed under the covers with his feet, as if to say, out of sight, out of mind.

With a sigh, she whispered to herself, “NOW, he will want the sex, intercourse, fucking, not making love, just the F U C Kkkkkingggg part, just sex, what a hero…why not fuck a hole in the wall, why me, why me…”

Having thought that, he pushed his body close to hers, and somehow, got her legs spread, the quest was on; they were tight, and her muscles were contracting like the contractions of a woman in labor. He put his hand on her pelvis as to secure it like a horse about to be ridden. Her legs and lower part of her body didn’t want to obey his commands, they were resistant, they were trying to give him a message, as one does when the body is dying, but his body weight, and his powerful legs dominated hers, and she was subdued; oh yes, subdued like a cow being died to be branded. As gasps of air came from her stomach, her eyes opened up as if to pop out. Now they were eye to eye, she had come out of her cocoon, what more could he do. Pressure was on her back, as her spine started going into spasms. Her whole body seemed to go into shock, disbelief, but not her mind, “Thank God,” she said as she caught her breath—again, and being thankful for being conscious.
The gentleness that once came along with this act of husband and wife, making sexual love, was gone. There was no soul or feeling involved, no sensitivity, or sensuality; no warmness, or joy; no building up to a climatic euphoria, as heaven might say, ‘heaven on earth’—none of this was present. The character of the soul was tarnished, and it was being poured out in hot venom onto her body. As she understood, love to be, she could not feel anymore; it was missing—just the fuck was present. The enjoyment of sex, what the preacher talked about at church was no more. His enjoyment was anger-pleasure, trying to get a high for relief, not happiness that is supposed to come with it. All he wanted was his dick sucked, like a Popsicle, and his way of thinking was, ‘do it and be done with it,’ no more, no less. She could remember the love making between them, it used to be 24-hours a day, that is to say, it was the little things throughout the day that made it so good at night: the touch, the hugging, the smell of his aftershave, and the smell of his skin, the fresh smell of his skin, his hair with nice curly waves of sweat luscious sensuality that came with her combing it with her fingers, and the warmth he gave over the phone, when he called her at work, and at times at home. She’d keep the phone to her face a moment longer after they had hung up; just caressing the warmth of his voice he left behind. It was all gone now. Like the bare apple tree in fall, all gone, a new season had come.

The Pain

“God,” she said out loud, “please”. He didn’t hear anything, although she wasn’t crying for help from him, she was just hurting and needed to hear herself; God was with her, she knew it, because the pain was too deep to endure for one person; the emotional roller coaster was on. He was over her now, and pumping her, fucking her like there was no tomorrow; in and out like she was a machine he drove his body. She didn’t know why she accepted the endless hurt, maybe it was like the addict, or alcoholic, she never really understood, she was caught like a fly in a spider web. Where do you go with your life, it’s here, or was it?
The pain filled her every pore, he wouldn’t let up, and it was colored with shame, self-pity, worthlessness, agonizing adjectives, such as helplessness and unworthiness. And the physical was disjointing almost. Her bones shifted with his body. Sticking to his sweat, he pulled her up closer to him by her ass, squeezing it as if it was a teddy bear, until she groaned, and it was not a moan of pleasure, but rather one of dismay.
As he continued with his act of bliss, she thought: “…who would ever have me, now.” And he pushed his weight, up and down, like a madman jacking off [masturbation], trying to hurry up and get to the end, the end, the best moment, the highlight of this affair, he was getting tired though; in addition, he wanted to get her attention, get her out of her dream spill, her thinking, he wanted her frightful attention. He wanted her to feel it, enjoy it, like him. But there was no way possible for that, she was numb from head to heal. His cock stuck inside of her akin to dogs. She was dry, and he was not merciful.
[Feeling destroyed] She said to herself: “…he’s treating me like a cow, a piece of used meat, property, sucking on my breasts, as if trying to get milk from them. Slobbering, wet all over my torso. My legs, my arms, my stomach, my love area; I am no more than a commodity, like sugar. Who then would treat me with…C A R E, L O V E?
A P P R E C I A T I O N,
R E G A R D?
W
O
O
O ooo W….?
She allowed him to push harder on her pelvic bone; it seemed as if it was going to break. She dare not say a word, though. She had learned that the hard way: she was better off not coming home than say no. She had to wear dark glasses to work many of times when she said that forbidden word ‘no’. He never remembered either that he hit her, pushed her around, fucked her hard, had no appreciation for her working and helping with the bills. He broke a few ribs when she defied him once; she remembered that well, he even told her, ‘Can’t you ever forget that.” How one can forget, she’d mumble, when it never stops. But the black and blue eyes came more steadily. That was a fear of hers, loosing sight someday, getting damaged so bad she’d never be able to see, walk or talk again. This was not uncommon in her world, you simply needed to go to the bar and look at the other wives. He’d do something wicked, more wicked, more depraved, as time went on, and forget it, and say in the morning, “Gee, I don’t remember, sorry.” Being sorry does no good, she knew this for a fact; -- sorry was a word that was good for nothing, used by many people, but good for nothing. It was a cheap word for someone who was not responsible, one who liked their way, but not responsibility.
She said to herself, “I’m no more than a horse, being ridden by a maniac… a half dead man. No more, any less. Just a quicken horse.” Her mind was trying to keep up with the shock it was enduring. Reality would set in tomorrow morning.
“Can’t …h…e… see what he’s doing?” she cried as she stuck her head in the pillow again, hiding, trying to hide from the pain the shame. But instantly when she hid, he pulled her hair, it came out of her head; he now was looking at it. She was still in the pillow.
She was screaming inside “STOP, STOP…stop, no more!” But he continued, with a face that showed no mercy, no love. For all concerned, he could have smoked a cigarette doing the act, but he knew his dick would shrink, and he’d loose the pleasure, and then he would be mad as hell. She knew this to, and was hoping he’d pop before the cigarette entered his mind. “God Forbid,” she thought, “if I have to stay up half the night sucking his dick to get it hard for a fuck he couldn’t deal with. And on top of that go to work in the morning, all smiles.”
She thought, and thought and thought, “If I was to be judged, let it be by God, not man,” for she saw no pity from him, she wanted to kill him. At least get the damn hard-on, and get it over with. He had inserted his penis, but had a hard time maintaining an erection while inside of her, nothing new. But if you got to endure it, at least keep it hard she again mumbled.
“What did you say,” he commented. She didn’t answer, it was best not to. She pretended not to hear.
He was trying to hurry in fear he would loose it completely, now—the erection that is. He wanted his climax, his high, like his beer, quick and without reservation, or emotion. He was almost in a bear hug with her, trying to get that moment, the climax, afterward he’d fall to sleep, as usual. “The only difference between his liquor and me” she mumbled, “was the act.” One took a hand to hold, as in a bottle, the other to shove his penis into my private part.
She prayed, and prayed, as he was going faster and faster, pushing his body in a chaotic way, “Don’t slip, you’ll rip me, please don’t slip…” For sometimes he’d miss his aim, and his penis would come out, and upon inserting it again, miss again, and try to jam it in the wrong area, and she’d jump a mile. He thought it was because of his big penis, but it never got bigger than his thumb anymore, he was too drunk to carry keep the erection past a few minutes; plus all his energy went within the first five minutes, and it took him that long to figure out where to put it.
She thought, “I hope I do not have to guide the asshole so he wouldn’t rip me like a hog again.” He never knew the difference sometimes between what areas to enter. Thinking my asshole was the vagina.
He was in ecstasy now, and if it was not a pretense, he was the only one in ecstasy.
“Oh…o o o,” he said in a drunken stopper. She was even more hurt now; the pain was in the core of the heart, knowing he was drawing pleasure from her hurt. He was climaxing. “Oh God,” she cried, “Why, why does he do this to…to MMMMMeeeeee!” The tears were rolling over her cheekbones to her lips, salty, but pure tears.
She thought “He is shaking his head as if he is getting it off good. He even turned his head from me. He said ‘...indy’, he’s even thinking of someone else.” Similar to a giraffe stretching his neck to reach a branch, he arched his body, his spine, back, to get the last ounce of cum from his internal organs out; after that he took a deep breath, and like a falling pillar, pushed once more, harder into her, until he sunk into his nest as far as he could go.
“Oh Lord, she sighed, “I’m so glad only you can see this.”
He pulled his penis out as fast as he put it in. She was ripped from the roughness. She was now bleeding. Then like a rat gnawing on a piece of meat, he started plucking her groin area, again. He chuckled. She stared at him with fright, almost in a coma of shame; followed by him looking at her naked pitiful body, he said,
“You liked every minute of it bitch.” She didn’t respond. “How far from the truth can a person be,” she thought. She endured it, despised it. Words could not describe her surface feelings, or her inner emotions. This was not a man thing to say, for she knew him when he was not a drunk, and was very careful in love making, it was a demon-possessed thing to say.
She moved from his sight, to her side of the bed. She was feeling, excruciating pain, emotional disarray, and physical soreness. He turned to his side as one would shut a car door and positioned himself to go to sleep. It was all of 12-minutes. The crisis was over. The man was an island, alone in a house full of love, with a family wanting him to heal, she thought. He speaks a different language though, different than the rest of us; he only understands his drunken world. It is his world, his demon made world.
“He can’t love,” she told herself. “Love is giving, he isn’t capable; he loves the alcohol, for that is what he gives to. He is kinder to it than me,” she thought, “He treats it better than me. Makes love to it, caresses the bottle. Not like me, who he treats like a horse, hog, and whore.”

Thinking

[Disillusioned—laying along side her bed, her husband passed out.] Her inner self was analyzing the evening, the lost moment. “Hell,” she said to her spirit deep within her mind, “He’ll wakeup in the morning not remembering half of what he did--a black out--and I’ll be left with the scars.
Even if I told people the way he was, what I had to put up with,” she thought, “…they wouldn’t believe me.” And so she never did tell.

“In God’s name why does he not stay at the bar, and not come back, back, back, here, stay gone,” she cried. Adding, “I don’t feel like I am a strong or a woman with courage, I feel simple, a survivor, and not so good at that either, tested under fire if anything.”
“I would cry hardship, not sure if you get any more points from heaven for it. At 45-years old I have more wrinkles than an 80-year old woman. We all want heroes, I do, my hero was just a man of honor, I didn’t even get that; he was no more honorable than I was happy.
He stays because I take care of him, take care of him. Put up with him. Is there no escape from this hell? Every time I walk in this room he’s dead drunk, the walls whisper, ‘trap, trap.’ But I still come in” She tortured herself with rhetorical questions, question-statements, but where were the answers, she was not starting to ask for them, at least in her mind, in the corner of her brain, subconscious, they were surfacing, surfacing, surfacing, little by little.
As she looked over her shoulder, he moved like an uneasy and dying buffalo. Then she said in a low voice,
“Why do I go on like this, am I sicker than you?” The more she stared at him, that question flooded her brain. He was sleeping reminiscent of a bear in hibernation.
“Am I really sicker than him, him him him him mmmmmm.” Then she questioned herself more, “I mean what person would allow such behavior to be put upon them? Sick, sick, sick, I’m sick Sick, SICK, … S I C K.”
As she pulled the covers over her body, she curled up into a shell, like a worm; --a closed form, like a fetus trying to keep warm in her mother’s womb, approximating, a turtle trying to hide in a shell. She didn’t want to share her thoughts, not even with God for the moment. Her pain was humiliating, very deep humiliation, shame, SHAME.
As she tossed and turned with the covers and pillow, she started talking to herself, “I have always got paid for my duties, like at work,” she said in a mumbling voice, “And I don’t have to accept this kind of physical and emotional abuse, but why do I?” ‘Don’t have to keep…’ continued to emerge in her mind: don’t have to, don’t have to…
[The dilemma started to crack] She hesitated with open eyes, looking out from her bed into the dark room. Shadows from the cars passing by hitting the streetlights reflections, bouncing through the shades of her window: she whisperers to herself, knowing he now is heavily asleep, and he got his morbid pleasures, no reason for him to wake up, she whispers,
“The shadows are more comfort than this dead drunk body lying next to me.” Then says, while talking to herself ‘…it’s ok to talk to yourself, who else can I talk to?’ She speaks to God:
“An ark light on outside, leave it on, God leave it on. So I am not alone with this beast. The shadows are my company; a silent world for the most part, even heaven is silent.” But the shadows and the horns, and the sound of car tires kept her mind busy, away from his dirty deeds that have been done to her, that in itself is god sent.
[Restlessness] “You’re saying something,” said her husband, tossing and turning, trying to get into a comfortable position to sleep. Insomnia had crept into his life the past couple of years; if booze couldn‘t put him to sleep, which it did often times, but he would always wake up sporadically throughout the night, yet, it didn‘t resolve his sleeping needs, it actually deprived him. She continued to talk to herself, knowing he was talking in his sleep,
“He used me as a fuck tool to get him to sleep. He screwed me until he got exhausted, and then fall to sleep,” the bastard. She was angry, twitchy but something else was happening…at the same time, she was becoming motivated, aggravated to the point of being hungry for release, release with freedom; freedom to be hungry for life. It was either, stick with the hunger for freedom, or die being beat to death, or third option, join the drunken lifestyle of his and not give a shit. But the hunger for freedom was weighing heavy. She didn’t quite know what came along with freedom, but it left him out of the picture.
“I hate who he’s become,” confirmed Judy, as the night got older. “The damn alcohol was no true lover. It steals, robs, and kills you, slowly, similar to boiling a person alive. It takes your money, your family, your sleep, your hunger, and yet he wants more. It’s insane. And I’m insane for being part of this conspiracy.”
This man was a professional drunk, not an amateur she was learning. He knew when to use it, make her feel guilty, a form of anger-control, and he had mastered it.
The booze had kept him busy, and had saturated his whole damn life ---
--this she was now piecing together; she had time now, the night was dark, good for thinking, he was out, solidly out, and the sounds of the chilled streets set the perfect atmosphere for thinking, deducing, and analyzing, and conceptualizing. It was sleep he needed for the moment, a fuck a few minutes ago, drinking a few hours ago, yesterday his family, he will want his family to gush over him at breakfast—as usual, and his heart--which was weak, will get weaker. What would be next in his life? Better yet, as she stared out the window, the question came: ‘what next in her life…?’ [She deduced his was over.] For ten years it was all for one, not any other combination, such as, ‘one for all and all for one.’
[Exhaustedly] She asked herself, “I wonder why, why doesn’t he know he will die from this crap? I suppose he does someplace in that black out unconscious mind of his. He must,” she questioned herself.
His gastrula system was that of a man who lost his automatic control valves. It was out of control. He farted until he almost shit in his pants, and many times he’d wake up walking with shit hanging from the hairs on his ass, trying to get to the toilet in time, as it ran down his legs. Disgusting as it was, it was also pitiful to witness, Judy had told herself, and as he sat on the toilet, she’d clean it up.
“Why not him, why does he not clean his own shitty tracks up, why not…?” a good question [a question never asked, or answered] that was now seeping out of her mouth as she stood next to the window, looking at the cars drive by. “Wh…y…Nooott?” she repeated herself. After that, as a loud truck drove by, she answered her first question, “I don’t know why not, but I should!” That was the same answer he gave her when she’d ask him, ‘Why don’t you stop drinking,’ he’d say ’what for [forgetting the ‘why not’],’ and drink another beer. “Funny, funny,” she told herself, until the evening seemed to close in even closer to the point of no return.
[Talking out loud now to herself] “He transforms into the demon, you know, sometimes he shits full packs into his pants when he gets into bed, not even taking off his cloths; lumps of shit in them. That’s when I sleep downstairs on the sofa. His farts are long, as long and loud as those damn Wednesday 1:00 PM, alert horns the city blows, testing for an emergency; here right here is an emergency. Two or three minutes I think, yes, two or three minutes for the fog horn and the farts to end. I can endure them, but the lumps of shit, no way.”

His eyes would be red in the morning, his skin a pal green, sickly, liken to the pale rider in Billy Graham’s books on the four horsemen, she told herself. That is what he looked like, like death. His short-term memory was shot as hell, a man at 45, or was it 46 now, she had to guess, her memory was going also, “I can‘t remember it…his damn age.” She had now calmed down, her body had stopped racing. He wouldn’t remember tomorrow what he did, matter of fact, he wouldn’t remember –if he was sober at this moment—two hours earlier,” she spoke with reprisal, yet what was coming to mind was not vengeance in the sense of aggression, but rather of freedom. That was the best revenge she could give. Simply move on, and forgive him, so she could live.
“For god’s sake man stop your farting and go to hell,” she thought as he turned back to his position again in the bed trying to get a pillow under his stomach. She was just about to ask the rhetorical question, the one people go to hell for, “When are you going to die?” “Oh God,” she thought, “Did I think that?” Was I going to say that, “Where are you going to die, and go to hell?” She heard a voice in her head, ’yes, you already said it’,” God for give me.” She cried, “Yaw, I did” She told herself. “I sure did. I said it in my mind, and out loud. Almost spit it out.” She added, “I don’t want him to go to hell, I just don’t want to live in his hell; nor do I want him to die, but he is going to die anyways.”
Her mind went shifting into a vortex of images like a ship in a storm; the sounds of the cars seem to have a language of its own, a calming sound. Only she could understand it though, like a rhythm; then it was quiet. And then the sound of rain hit the car wheels, but it wasn’t raining, it just sounded like it for some reason.

◊

“I’ve taken care of three kids, and… and… a... child adult. I go, go…o to work everyday, while he sits at home and ponders on jealous thoughts to confront me with…why, what have I done to deserve this. Do I not have a perfect track record, I’ve never cheated on him, --every evening without missing one I come home, wait for him, or meet him at the bar, unless he is sleeping, dead to the world, then I stay home and wait for him to wake up? Evenings are for the devils.” She told herself, “Not for me. I live in a home that I dread coming home to. I hate evening.”
[Insightfully dreary, she now lays back into her bed] “Is every alcoholic that damn jealous,” she mutters out the side of her mouth, thinking she was going to get an answer, but none comes. She could hear herself talk, she could hear her voice, the car tires, see the shadows in the room. She could read his mind also. He wanted to punish her for his misery.

She had heard that alcoholics get jealous, that it was a characteristic of theirs, and seeing believed, and it was true, very true. And now she was part of the roller coaster, and believed it, believed it because she was living it. They say love is being kind, caring and all such things, that again is what she was brought up to believe. But there was no kindness in this house.
And so she framed in her mind what the drunk shows love to be, and it was jealousy, yes, love is jealousy to the drunk, love is paranoia full time, impurity part time. Her husband was sleeping proof of this analysis.
He never feels safe, she told herself, always editing himself, like a man who really had something to hide. “The only thing he had to hide was his shit ass treatment to me, and hides from everyone else. Saying to me, ‘no one needs to know our business,’ as if it was a business, treating me as crust off a dirty stove. And I helped him with that.” Furthermore, she went on to say, while talking to herself in bed, pushing the pillow here and there, a trait of her husband’s restlessness, “It is the family thing he’d say, ‘keeeeeeeppppp it in the fffamily, nOOO ones else’s business.’ That was the motto, a stinking cover-up motto.”
[Consoling herself] ‘Hell,’” she said to her inner soul, “I’ve been faithful beyond reason,” thinking why not have an affair? –Which was picking up in the corner of her mind, --it was justified, alright. “Who would blame me? Why not have one, he has. Give me a good reason not to have one,” She questioned her mind; no answer came. Talking to herself again, she pointed to the many women he knew, at the bar, here and there, everyplace he’d, or they’d go. And the many men he knew that would come on to her when he wasn’t looking.
“They’d like to grab my ass; no they did grab my ass; and not as hard as he did. He’d say nothing, or imply, they were just joking around. If I’d say nothing, he’d kick my ass in the morning saying, I let them and I like it, you can’t win.”
But she couldn’t she convinced herself, it wasn’t her; that was him, to take another drunk on, would be simply stepping from one garbage can to another. “It was really beyond reason,” she continued to tell herself. “To get better, to save the mind, you can’t duplicate bad behavior she convinced herself. Plus, I have values, if I go against them, I could never live with myself. A drunk no longer has them, no values, and no feelings of bad behavior, when they violate them; they have no character in their soul left.” She told herself.
Although, thinking she had good reason to have an affair, but couldn’t, she put that thought to rest. She knew every time this happened these thoughts surfaced, would go through her head, never did anything about them, just thought them. Like his jealousy, after she came back home from wherever he was, he‘d get his anger out, and the jealousy would subside a few hours into the night. Having an affair was hard she concluded each time this idea emerged, anyone of his so called good-friends would jump in bed when he wasn’t looking in a minute, it just surfaced, and then sank back into where it came from, some quicksand someplace hidden in her brain. And in most cases, who would know she had an affair anyways? if she had one.
“The bar, the bar the bar, that’s all they think about. Let’s meet at the bar. I’ll see yaw at the bar. The bar is home, the fucken far robs you, but no one said that.” She whispered to the shadows, to the sound of the cars, tossing and turning in bed.
He mumbled out loud again, something unutterable; as he started to hurl and rotate his dying body like a worm trying to cross the street before it’s baked alive. His heavy breathing started, it was noticeable, as if his heart was not pumping right, as if it was overworking, compensating for his messed up whole biological system. His heart was weak, and getting weaker as years went by. He had had two heart attacks previously, and he was 46, just forty-six. She said to the shadows, that looked like eyebrows on he bedroom ceiling, as if they would notice her seriousness, she said, as she turned to look at him, glancing away from the window, and shadows, and knocking out the sounds of the cars, she said with a tear in her eye,
“You’re killing us all, you’re drinking, you’re having, and wanting to have power over everything, your madness, your jealousy, and envy’s…everything is like a sick cow. That is what it is, a sick… sick… cow. And your self-pity, like a man running away from the draft, a coward and a sick, sick coward-cow. Life is robbing you -- you and you and me and me, and you don’t even know it, sick, sick cow. But I…I…I…I…III know it.”
She cried but a few more tears, holding in a hurricane, a rainfall-of-tears, --lying on the bed, her chest trying to recover from the thinking, she closed her eyes.

≈

[Sleepy] “And I’m sure it was my fault,” she continued to tell herself; “…that is what he would say at least.”
Next she thought about the times they would meet his friends at the bar, and he’d laugh with his friends, not with me she thought. “He gave me the shitty attitude with them. I was his buffer, safeguard, also his sacrifice, and his fucken cow to milk when he wanted. Grab a little ass when he wanted to show off.
He drank like he fucked me, like a man ready to be put in an electric chair, as if it was his last meal. I owed him. Society owed him.” She thought, “Everybody owes him.”
Tears rolled from her dark brown closed eyes, salty full tears, rolled over her checks, down around her lips, and on to her neck, across her light complexion they continued until the tears healed her wound. She had learned not to show her weakness, he would only play with it, if not use it against her. She told herself many times, “Don’t let him find my weakness he will use it against me,” plus, she’d add, “I’d be left with no, not one, no not any, defense.” That is how he thought, she contrived, how he played the game. But he was the only one allowed to play. She opened her eyes and looked at the clock; it was tomorrow now, a new day. And so she added with a smile, her first smile after such an ordeal, “The game should have two players, not one.” Having said that, she took a deep, deep breath and closed her eyes again.

☼

[Amazingly, with new strength] She had come to the conclusion, it wouldn’t help for her to tell anyone at work, if she did, they would simply say don’t bring your problems to work; or would it help to tell her family, no, they would only scold her for accepting it; some more humiliation, dishonor, shame. But she had to do something, something quick, while she had this new found strength. Things come and go, especially emotions, and then the thoughts are tucked away for another day, and so she knew it was ‘act now or never.’
“If I run out of the house, it would be like old times. I run to a shelter, a police station. The children and I sit and wait, and wait. By morning time, I got to go to work, put the kids in school; he gets a good night sleep. I get the chair in the Police Station with three kids. I get to the shelter, he shows up. Police come. I talk to him, he is sorry, I go back, and everything is fine, although I did put him in jail once. But I will never do it again. My kids, his family, my family, everybody chose him; I went too far they all said. He ended up being the damn hero. Unbelievable; but things change, or so they shall.”

The Secret

[The next day] She put up a shield, screen, --told to her loved ones and friends not a thing about her life, or her husband’s lifestyle. To all that observed, her household was as it was portrayed, quiet and serine. And the few times it got out of control, chaos, it would pass.
But the truth of the matter was that it was not so serine ever, and nothing ever functioned right. And if it ever did for a moment in their lives it was because Judy cultivated it, and aged before her time.

It was morning now. As he sat at the kitchen table he grabbed the paper from the counter thumbing through the first few pages to the sports, looking at Judy with a smile. Then it was that a strange thing happened. She thought [mustering up some hidden courage, she came up with the idea the end of the world was not here, not today, she had a choice] “…goddamn, he had a blackout again; he doesn’t even remember a thing, does he?” She was crying with bittersweet tears inside, deep down in her core, tightening up her jaw, teeth on teeth. A tear crept from her eye, but somehow, out of pure will, she stopped the rest of the tears from coming up to flood her face, and reminded herself of the belittlement, torment, shame, disregard he thrust [and sanctified] upon her the night before. But not a spoken word was uttered between both of them during the first few minutes of contact.
He leaned back in his chair, coffee hot in front of him, like a king, dirty shirt, messed up hair, as if he had a bad housekeeper, as if he had a lazy wife, or so these thoughts went through Judy’s head.
Another tear surfaced, it had a long way to get to her eyes, but it did, and she couldn’t stop it. Her will was not strong enough anymore. She turned around so he wouldn’t see it, rubbing her eyes as if they were sore. He smiled, as if to say, in a dumbfounded way, anything wrong, but chose instead to say,
“Make me some eggs honey.”
[Cringing] She knew not what to say, she knew what she wanted to say though, ‘no’, for that is what she wanted to say, but say it loud, “NO, NO,’ not until you read my hurt, but she didn’t say it. Just not having him remember the drunken stupor he had, the awful treatment he put her through, was painful for her…”Remember, remember asshole,” she told herself, but not him. Everything was silent, he knew something was wrong.

[Dizzy with stressful thoughts] “The dirty, slobbering fucken love making you shamed me with last night, is what this silence is all about, forced sex, forced shame, trying to rape my soul, make my soul red like yours.”
That is what was going on within the tight stern face she couldn’t get rid of, the tired hate in her eyes. The sound of her mind ticking away the minutes and seconds, for soon she would be walking out that door, to go to work and get renewed.
“Honey…” he said with a thought on his mind.
She didn’t turn around from the stove, her back was to him, she thought, “…your honey is in the damn bottle, have it make your eggs, why am I standing here making your eggs?” But she started to pull out the egg pan, thinking, he never relies on himself to do anything.
[Restiveness] That restlessness she was feeling last night, the insightfulness she felt was surfacing, surfacing…slowly, and the tears had come and gone, she was wounded, but the cut was healing.
The past ten-years, since he lost his job, Judy thought, as she prepared to make the eggs, he’s really done nothing except, drink, make fun of me and the kids [the three children now were all over 18-years old, but all living at home.]; nothing at all to do but feel sorry for himself, while I bring home the check. And he wonders why he has a weak heart.
“Make the house payment that is what he cares about, NOTHING else, N O T H I N G…ING…. more.” She scolded herself mentally, within the corner of her mind, silently.
She knew, and had calculated that recently his physical abuse had worsened. “What’s the future hold?” She thought. “He laughs at the idea that he may even have a problem with alcohol. He’s 47… no 46, just 46, that’s all, I forgot his age, yaw, 46, when is he going to grow up? Become a man? Be responsible? [Her back still turned away from him] He knows and I know he is a stinking ship, a drunk, a fucken Peter Pan toy.”
She was always taught the two go together. That is, being a man, and being responsible. He just rearranged the life code of man, that’s all. And would arrange for her to do whatever needed to be done, and that included her life code. “Where was his strength, in his damn penis,” She thought “in his mouth, his fists?”
“These eggs will never get done,” she mumbled.
“What was that honey,” He responded.
“Oh nothing, just talking to myself, these eggs seem to take forever.”
“Yaw, honey, just don’t worry, take your time,” he said as he kept reading the paper, occasionally look above the paper to see if she was cross with him, not remembering much of the night before.
As she turned the eggs over to let them harden a bit, she asked herself: “… [Trying to clear her throat] he’s always making me feel guilty; he’s a master at it.” But she remembered from that person at the support group, the one she went to just one time, that, alcoholics were good at survival, they used people to get to the next day. Promise the moon, and give a rock. They know how to make you believe what they want you to believe.”
Unconsciously, she knew she was becoming more ill than him. Why else would she stay in a situation like this? Oh for many reasons. One being she was ill. Ill people stay with their kind, she had noticed from the past, and well people avoid them, so they do not get ill, maybe it’s contagious. She asked her inner being.
But she needed love, love that gave, not love that took like a vampire, drawing all the blood and strength out of a person until there wasn’t’ any left. She needed love that was not maladaptive; love that makes you see red, rather than black and blue, genuine love. It is what a woman needs, love and appreciation, and touch she told her heart. Not fucking out of anger, hate, scorn, and turning eggs over.
She was furious inside now. She needed to see a man’s tear, his if possible. Any man would do. She had almost lost all her self-respect, self worth because of a man. “Do men cry?” She questioned herself. “I want to see,” she hesitated, said a pray. Please God, she asked, show me: “One tear by a man. Show me [she cried] a man in the human race, in man’s kingdom, a man tear, anyone out there with a man tear!!
A
MAN
T
E
A R R R R!!!!

Are not all men alike? It can’t be so. ‘No… No…’” she told herself.

Work & Breakfast

[With hope and resentment] As she readied herself, putting on her hat, jacket, picking up her purse, insuring her lipstick was on right. Wiping her eyes to insure her make-up was not smeared from the tears, and putting on a new morning smile, she walked out of the doorway, of the kitchen. Breakfast had been made, she had to go to work, she remembered the night before, how painful it was to endure, the insults, the slobbering, the passing out, after he had his kicks. How she was left used and alone, sleeping next to an island that needed only his next fix, drink, and fuck-something to satisfy his craving. He didn’t care what form it came in, as long as it came. This was their life, what else she knew, she told herself.
[Slyly] She turned about looking at him, as he gave a big smile, giving her a wink, holding the paper in one hand, putting the coffee cup to his mouth, his eyes catching hers. She stared for a minute downward, it was not out of shame, but out of emotions she looked down, trying to release all the emotions caught inside of her. Then looking up thinking on the way up, she said, “Good-by, honey,” she had never called him honey before, nor said goodbye in quite the same manner. It was his style she had robbed for the moment, duplicated if you will. He sat holding the paper and coffee, not drinking it, a frown came upon his face, not sure what to say.
As she started the car, she said to herself out loud, “I need more, much more. I need friends, dignity, and a renewed self. I need love that my husband sitting at the damn table eating his eggs, can’t give. Even the sound of him slurping his coffee is starting to infuriate me. The one that says ‘Honey’, and later on in the evening when I come home, or he comes home, pisses his pants, the honey will be gone. I don’t want his mess. I don’t want to fuck him either, or sleep with him, he does not sleep, he passes out, dies a little each night. I would be more comfortable on the floor sleeping, and if that is where I end up so be it. I’ll learn how to live,” She told herself, “How to deal with a new life. If I can adjust to this kind, I can adjust to anything. I just have to find out what is normal again. I forgot.” As she looked up at her living room window, she noticed he was standing there waving her goodbye, holding the curtain. He had taken the time to actually get up and walk to the living room, she said out loud in the car, “I can’t believe it. He even left his paper and coffee in the kitchen.” He waved again, but she never waved back. And she drove off.

Afterward

There is more truth to this story than fiction. For the sake of the story, let’s say the husband died two years after that happened. And the lady did go to work that day. It was troublesome to say the least, only because she had to make a decision, that being, if she was going back into that house or not. She did not go back. She gathered her children and stayed with a friend. No fresh cloths for a week, not much money, and at the mercy of her friends, and having to tell the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Now lest say, she needed to get it out, her abuse, share it. Make it real. Make it public. When it wasn’t’ public, she had no chance of help. She learned that if it is a secret, then it should be a good one not a bad one. I am sorry about using the F word so much in this story, but it is in place I do believe, the non-fiction part demands it. Otherwise, normally I would not use the word.

Now again, lets put a nice ending to this story, he did die sober. He did go get help, and she did allow him to move back into the house after several months of sobriety. And no, he couldn’t work again. But he was a better man. Not the same one who she married, but then she was not the same either.
It took her another two years to date, after his death, to build up strength. After that she met her first date; fell head over heals with him, which is not unusual in such cases. I think because he showed her respect it was easy for her to pick up a fairytale romance, not because they loved, and they may have, but because it was what was missing before. And possible the reason it didn’t’ work out for them, was, she couldn’t tell the difference. But none the less, she went on to heal from that relationship to a more positive one. And yes, I would like to end this story by saying she is living happily ever after. And so there is hope out there. You don’t change partners because you want to, it is not a good reason, you change because it doesn’t and isn’t going to work. Otherwise all you are doing is going from one person with baggage to another. We all have baggage you know. But let’s hope before we start a relationship, ours has been taken care of, at least for the most part.

About the Author’s Books

Tales of the Tiamat: This is a trilogy, consisting of “The Tiamat, Mother of Demon,” the second book, “Gwyllion, Daughter of the Tiamat,” and the third, “Revenge of the Tiamat”. All three are full of adventures and travels by Sinned, the main character of the three novels, as is the Tiamat involved, yet we see many other antagonists along side of her. The series takes you to Malta, Easter Island, ancient England, and Avalon, where the Tor is being built, Asia Minor, where Yort is, Sinned’s home, and a half dozen other places. In addition to the main story of each of these three books, which is being put into one, in the “Tales of the Tiamat,” a fourth book was added, called “The Tiamat and the King,” on which is the “Short book,” added into the series, it is really the conclusion to the trilogy never put into the book. It was, for the most part, written during the same period of time the three were, and revised recently. It will be put into both the “Tales of the Tiamat,” if this book ever comes out, and has been put into the book, “Death by Desire,” again, if that book is ever published.

The Chick Evens Sketches: In this trilogy, we have sketches of life that incorporate the late 60’s to the early 70’s; the hippie generation, the new era, the awakening of Aquarius, the peace era, it has been called many things. In his first book, his sketches, take you on a romance of a city and era, the book being called: “Romancing San Francisco” [l968-69], he introduces us to karate’s famous Yamaguchi family, to include Gosei, and his father Gogen “The Cat”; along with the famous Adolph Shuman, the once owner of the line of Lilli Ann cloths, along with other sketches. In the other two books, “A Romance in Augsburg,” and “Where the Birds don’t Sing,” the sketches start where the first book left off, from l969 to l970 and to Vietnam in l971. Here you go to Europe for a Romance with a Jewish German girl, and on to Vietnam where there is a war going on. Mr. Evens will also end up in Sydney, for one week of some great adventures, what the Army called back then R&R; Mr. Siluk spent 11-years in the Army, being a Staff Sergeant when he was discharged, and has lived all three books.

Short Story Collection [s]: this is not a trilogy, rather three books, of which two are similar, that being of Suspense, “Death on Demand,” of which there are seven stories, and “Death by Desire” having ten; and the third book, being a mixture of short stories, called “Everyday’s an Adventure”.

Spiritual: The Author has some strong religious and spiritual views. Having studied and done graduate work in theology, and missionary work in the mountains of Haiti, and being at an earlier age an Ordained Minister, his two books, “The Last Trumpet and the Woodbridge Demon,” being his first book in this genre, talks about experiences of the early eighties, where he had visions concerning end time events that are coming to pass right this very moment. In his second book, “Islam, In Search of Satan’s Rib,” he talks about the ongoing subject of terrorism on America, and the world as a whole, but in a different manner; instead of trying to figure out the mind of the Islamic-Arab, he looks at this god, enmeshed with Islam today.

Addiction: As of this writing [August, 2003], Mr. Siluk is still a licensed Counselor in good standing with the State of Minnesota. He has also held international licenses in Drug’s and Alcohol, and has worked for hospitals and clinics in dual disorder facilities. In his book, “A Path to Sobriety, the Inside Passage,” which is a common sense book on understanding alcoholism and addiction, the book is an ultimate guide to substance abuse, a powerhouse for preventing relapse and curing the disease. The book you are now holding in your hands called “Prevention…” is his follow up book [companion] to his “Path to Sobriety…” on addictions. Which he was not going to release depending on the need for it; but after the death of his mother, who helped him during his early stages of recovery, has chosen to finish it, and now release it. As in everything in life, school, the Army, training etc, you need a book to learn from, and one to practice with. This is the practice book, the hands on book you might call it, “A Path to Relapse Prevention.” He is also, half way done with a book on “Aftercare…” which if published, would be his final book in the Chemical Dependency area, and series.

Travels: Mr. Siluk has travel, or has been traveling I should say for some 37-years out of his 55 ½ years of his life to this date. He has traveled 24 ½ times around the world. And in most of his books you can see, and feel and almost taste this [to be more exact, he has 613,000-air miles, not to include ground miles]. In his book, “Chasing the Sun,” he takes you to a variety of places, by showing you some forty-pictures, --giving you an overall view of his story on how he got started. Each picture has its own caption, and is read for ‘a want to be traveler’, or one who would like to reminisce.

The Beast Books: I wasn’t sure what to call these three next separated books, so I named them, the “The Beast Books”. For in their own way, they all have their own beast. The first book being, “Mantic ore: Day of the Beasts,” which is the author’s favorite of the three, you step into the demonic underworld. A lot of him is in this book it seems. A touch of Vietnam, a touch of his home town, St. Paul, Minnesota, and the invisible shadows that change shapes into animals and human forms; visions upon visions. In the second book, the “The Rape of Angelina of Glastonbury, 1199 AD,” which is also in a revised version, in the book “Death by Demand,” you are involved with a suspenseful story of revenge, and at the end of the book is a nice surprise, another story. And for the third beastly book, “Angelic renegades & Rephaim Giants,” you get just that, no more, no less. It is a book on the ancient dictators of the world, the ones who have cursed God, to have man worship them; for the most part is it sketches, impressions, and glimpses of this world.

Out of Print book: For the curious reader; although they are out of print, the author has a few left in storage. “The Other Door,” was his first book published, in l981, a book on poetry. It is a Volume one, of which he is working on volume two, yes, 22-years in the making. This book is so scarce that only 25-copies are left, at a price you most likely you would not want to pay. Second, is the authors 2nd book, “The Tale of: Willie the Humpback Whale,” which got much attention in the year, l982, although it did not get a Pulitzer Prize, it was an entry, and considered. At present the author is considering a 4th printing, and revised edition. He does have a number of copies available for interested people [a limited number]. And the book “Two Modern Short Stories of Immigrant Life,” that is more of a chap book that came out in l984 as a trial run. Only 100-copies were ever printed, of which one of the stories were printed in the, “Little People’s Press,” and then the book was pulled back for personal reasons, and off the market by the author. This very limited book of which there are possible 30-copies left can also be acquired, but again, this overview is more for the inquisitive than for selling these very rare and hard to find books.

Visit my web site: http://dennissiluk.tripod.com

You can also order the books directly by/on: www.amazon.com www.bn.com along with any of your notable book dealers

Note: Picture on the back of the book is of the author, l999, while in a boat off the coast of Iceland, spotting whales

Aftercare: A Path Through It [Volume III]

2006-07-07T18:57:00.000-07:00

What you need to know about Programming in Aftercare
For the Chemically Dependent

Aftercare: A Path through It
[The Inside Passage]

Volume III

By Dennis L. Siluk

----A Common Sense Book----
On Understanding the Elements of Growth,
Support and Healing

Copyright@ 2003 by Dennis L. Siluk,
Aftercare, a Path through It
All rights Reserved

◊

Acknowledgements:

I want to thank my wife Rosa,
And Mother for their belief in me,
And now Papa Augusto, who said
Like my mother:
‘God must have a plan for you.’

Dedicated: to those who have achieved sobriety, and are now working on non-use alternatives to life [Aftercare folks]…

Book by the Author

The Other Door, Poetic Exhortations, l980
The Tale of Willie the Humpback Whale, l981
Two Modern Short Stories of Immigrant Life, l984
The Safe Child/The Unsafe Child, l985

◊

The Last Trumpet and the Woodbridge Demon
Angelic Renegades & Rephaim Giants

◊

Tiamat, Mother of Demon I
Gwyllion, Daughter of the Tiamat II
Revenge of the Tiamat III

◊

Mantic ore: Day of the Beasts

Everyday’s an Adventure
[Short Stories]

Chasing the Sun
[Travels of D.L Siluk]

Islam, In Search of Satan’s Rib

The Rape of Angelina of Glastonbury, 1199 AD
[The Green Knight]

◊

A Path to Sobriety,
The Inside Passage
Volume I

A Path to Relapse Prevention,
The Inside Passage
Volume II

Aftercare: A Path through It
The Inside Passage
Volume III

◊

Romancing San Francisco
[Volume I]

A Romance in Augsburg
[Volume II]

Where the Birds Don’t Sing
[Volume III]

◊

Death on Demand
[Seven Suspenseful Short Stories]

Dracula’s Ghost
[And Other Peculiar Stories]

٭

The Mumbler,
Murder by the Second Self

The Curse of the Viper Family
[The Abyss Virus Worm]
[To be released]

The Fruit Cake
[A Comedy-Tragedy]
[To be released]

٭
Sirens
[Poems]

“After Eve”
[To be released]

Index:

Prelude: The Inside Passage

Chapters:

1) Chapter One—Terminology: Physical Dependency; Psychological
Dependency; Tolerance; Cross Tolerance; Cross Addiction.

2) Chapter Two—The ‘Whole Person’, concept:
3) Chapter Three—The Grieving Process
4) Chapter Four— Relapse Prevention or Recovery - Topic
5) Chapter Five—Check list for Hidden Anger
6) Chapter Six—Affirmations
7) Chapter Seven—General Symptoms of CD
8) Chapter Eight—A Few Facts—Suicide, Deaths and Youth
9) Chapter Nine—Hidden Agenda [s] In Aftercare/group settings
10) Chapter Ten-—Anxiety
11) Chapter Eleven—Review of the 12-steps
12) Chapter Twelve—The Cycle of Violence
13) Chapter Thirteen—Recovery

Afterward

Note: Captions of other books by the Author

∆

“…there is rest and healing in the contemplation of antiquities.”

--Mark Twain

Note: There is much truth in what Mr. Mark Twain had to say in the above quote, and possible my reasoning being quite different than his, yet similar; therefore, I have always loved antiques, old coins, old rings, old everything. Old signatures, old books [First Editions], --they calm me, relax me, just like water does, especially as I walk along the rivers such as the Mississippi: in St. Paul, St. Louis, or New Orleans, as well as the Seine in Paris, or the Tames along the banks in London Town.
In addition, the spirit of the signatures come out, as my father-in-law has told me [whom is from Peru, 82-years old], to comfort me; whatever is the case, in both situations, and in paintings as well, I am always much more calm with them around, so there is truth in what Papa Augusto tells me, as there is healing in the waters, especially the flow of it. That goes for museums as well.
Now you may be asking: why am I bringing this up first hand, before I even get into the book? Good question. In recovery, a person needs to find what makes him tick [what triggers him, what calms him?] I just told you what calms me, along with traveling, and a good movie. Now you need to know for yourself.

Prelude
[The Inside Passage]

Aftercare is an element of prevention, with the ultimate goal for the individual to avoid a potential relapse. Aftercare is part of a circular form of continuing care, a cycle if you will, that includes ongoing assessments, suggestions, objectives and targets. It can be a group setting or for that matter, a one on one, with a counselor; most facilities offer both options.
The nature of Aftercare is more supportive than therapeutic, not quite like treatment, had you gone through it, this would be obvious. In Aftercare the counselor usually will present alternatives for using, growth, support. Simply put, helping you become the person you want to become. Since this is a book-format presentation, we will deal with Aftercare in a few different dimensions, that is, we can jump occasionally into a group setting, a one on one setting, a lecture setting, and so on. But first we just have to have a good idea of Aftercare, what it is, or what it should be. I have worked in the Chemical Dependency area going on 20-years, with other 22-years of usage, making my experience some 44-years in the making; and I am licensed in Minnesota, as of this writing [retiring]. And I’ve been certified in over ten countries to practice. I am now retiring from the field, and this most likely will be my last book on the subject of sobriety, prevention, addiction, treatment and aftercare. Incidentally this is my third book in the helping field of Alcoholism and Drugs, or better put, Chemical Dependency and Addiction.

Aftercare takes place, after treatment usually. Some of the segments in Aftercare, or at least the groups I have taught had assignments in reading, for meditation. Working on your personal inventory [your defects in character, or behavior you want to make changes to, that is, to make better oneself]. I often did lectures on urges [urges: meaning, something that seems like it is pushing you, insisting that you use, inside of you] and had the group members update me on how they were doing: the ‘doing’ part is called: ‘hidden agendas’, during the group processing session that is, and the group normally would give feedback if the client would ask for it [which I believe should be asked for and not forced upon the client]. In addition, I provided education in the way of movies, lectures, speakers, and the normal subjects I brought out in Aftercare, which we focused on the were for the most part, the: 12-step work, 12-traditions, relapse prevention, discussions on stresses the clients may be having [again, it is called hidden agendas—these uneasy, unsettled issues inside of you]; along with other chosen topics, such as triggers and symptoms. Affirmations were a big reminder for my clients also, a reminder in the sense of using them to build them back up, to rebuild self: love, regard, esteem. We must build ourselves up you know, we’ve been down too damn long.
And so, in this brief prelude, we look simply at the nature of the beast, so you do not get scared away. People often come to me and say:
“I’ve been through all the treatment, and now this, what is this all about…” In a like manner, AA can take the place of Aftercare if you wish, or become part of your Aftercare program. So Aftercare in a nutshell is simply ‘Primary Prevention mixed with relapse prevention, dealing with a triangle of the continuing care cycle,’ in the works: put another way, ongoing involvement with the continuum of care; and of course you need to be a non-user while in this arena.

This is also the time to look at the things you didn’t have time to look at during treatment, but heard such as: physical dependence; or psychological dependence, or tolerance vs. cross tolerance vs cross addiction; a time to really dive into the broad spectrum of Chemical Dependency if you wish, or simply go for additional support while you’re healing. By this time, you know what you need, and what you do not need; who you should be with, that is, hanging out with, or living with, and you also should know who is damaging to be with; --so get away from the negative ones, whoever they are.

∆

A few phrases from the book: ‘Denial…’ a book written by, Sandi Bachom:

“Nobody ever thought I was a drunk until they had seen me sober.”

“Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.”

“Alcohol is patient; it will wait forever for us to return to it.”

Introduction Chapter

Chapter One

Terminology

For the most part, the Prelude explained the nature and makeup of Aftercare, as I understand it to be. And as it was run in all of my several programs at clinics and hospitals I’ve worked at; plus, I have helped in making up Aftercare programs for clinics as well. But for clarity sake, let me just go through it once more and into the first subject: or issue. First of all, I want to explain things in a form called: A) and B), ok? Then I will go directly to the terminology part which can be C. Furthermore, this book—for the most part—is being written for the layman, so he/she can look for what he/she need, and at the same time, see what a program should look like. If it helps the professional, good, or the starting Counselor in this field, again, all the better; but it is the client that knows very little about what he/she is stepping into, and this should help them. No one really likes jumping into something they know very little about. You test the water to see if it is hot or cold. So here you go, see if you like it, it may be too hot or possible too cold for you, but whatever, and it will not be a secret anymore.

A) The basic steps within the Aftercare session, is to:
1. The term: Check in, when in the group means: to update the group with your weekly activities. If you’ve had urges and or stress factors, this is the time to get them out; it can be called: getting out your hidden agendas, --you need to get it out so you and the group can go forward with a clear mind.
2. Hand in Assignments.
3. Break [we all need time to stand up, walk about, air our heads, especially if it is a 4-hour group].
4. Education/discussion. This is the area I will do a lecture, have a speaker in, or show a movie. After the event, there usually is a discussion on what you picked up out of this; or how it related to you, or could.
5. Closure. This is like the beginning, but shorter. Whereas, the Check in could take between 10 to 30 minutes, depending on ‘hidden agendas,’ the closure is usually ½ that time. You normally will bring out what lies ahead of you for the weekend, or week, and what you got out of the session.

B) Have a schedule for yourself, if you are a counselor that is. And if a client, here is what to expect from that schedule or itinerary [for the most part]:
1. The class is made up of, let’s say the maximum amount of people to learn, don’t exceed 13, beyond this, you are not giving what I consider good “Primary Prevention Aftercare”, how can you, it will take forever just to get through the ‘check in’ and then break will come, and people get too worn out.
2. The reading is done, either by the counselor in a daily reader, or the AA Big Book, or the Red Book, on the 12-steps, and Check In has just finished also, now we go to either: finished hand outs from last session the client took home, or a lecture on, let’s say ‘depression,’ or ‘forgiveness,’ or work on the 12-steps or 12-traditions, something like that.
3. Now you’ve taken your break, and as you return you will have a movie to watch, and make notes on, or [some people can not read or write, take this into consideration] give them your understanding on the issues involved with the movie, or the speaker’s speech, or book reading the counselor may do, or have you do [you need a different approach with the folks that are a bit slower].
4. At this point we are next to Closure, but before you jump into this, you may want to do ‘affirmations,’ that is right, have everyone give everyone else a good build up, and themselves. An example might be, “Joe, you’re really improving on opening up in class and sharing, you’re becoming more assertive, and for myself, well, I’m just a good and nice guy now.” Or you may give yourself another affirmation to the group that says: “I’m very proud of myself, I’ve told people for the first time, ‘no’ I didn’t want to do this, when normally I’d say yes to appease them;” now the closure.

Now nothing is written in stone, and you can devise your own Aftercare group to match your cliental. These are simply examples, one of my examples that is, one that I used.

Terminology [understanding it]:

These terms are interchangeable with drugs or alcohol, yet they may have a brief difference in understanding.

1. Physical Dependency vs. Psychological Dependency

Dependency means in essence, you are dependent on it. If you are an alcoholic, you are dependent on alcohol. If you are a heroin user, you are an addict, dependent on drug usage. The same goes for any drug. If you are an abuser, that means you have abused a drug or alcohol. Now listen up close, an abuser is not…I say not, necessarily a dependent, but a dependent is always an abuser. Does that make sense? If not, think about it. If you are a dependent, you have abused, and are abusing. Why, because you can’t stop, and your body is craving for it, and you are abusing your body. Believe it or not, your abuse, dependence, your symptoms, sticks to everyone else, everyone around you. Now that we’ve got the two words out of the way, ‘dependency,’ and ‘abuse,’ let’s go for the physical and psychological.

Physical vs. Psychological; --I will try and make this as painless and simple as I can, not for your sake necessarily, but mine. When I first looked at both of these, and I have a degree in psychology, I couldn’t figure out in counseling school, why it was so hard for the teachers to simply come up with a simple way of explaining the difference. Too many PhD’s out there trying to show off was my conclusion. Here it is in a nutshell:

a. Physical Dependency= symptoms of withdrawal, which can vary depending on the drug, amount used, and length of time used. Withdrawal in itself includes the physical body in revolt, it is poisoned, and it is fighting for your life, its life. Maybe I’ve oversimplified; possible so, therefore, let me add, if I have: it includes vomiting, cramps, convulsions, tremors, delirium, and can involve death. Let’s move on to Psychological.

b. Psychological Dependence= in a nutshell again, should I try it? With all the psychology I’ve taken, I’m almost compelled to make it harder, but I can’t: preoccupied. Now we can elaborate if you wish. Yes, in this psychological area the main word is preoccupation. Another way of putting it is compulsion, otherwise known as, impulse to continue the usage at any cost. Again, oversimplified, but to the point.

Now let’s look at Tolerance vs. Cross Tolerance. You will hear these words in Treatment, Aftercare, Relapse Prevention classes, Chemical Dependency Books, and you may not get a good break down of the terms, so you may want to read them over a few times. People will throw them around at AA, NA, GA, you know, all the support groups, either thinking you should know them, or bragging because they do, and you don’t.

a. Tolerance: it is a term used basically to imply, it takes more today to get me to the same point or high it had taken, or took: yesterday. Now let me get a little sophisticated, I don’t usually, but I got to showoff some place: Let’s use alcohol and heroin for our subjects in question. We could resort to using other forms of drugs, even over the counter drugs, or simply prescription drugs, but no—just, just alcohol and heroin will do for us. In these two drugs one can pinpoint what we talked about before, physical dependence, meaning, withdrawal [remember that word] have an effect on that person, if he/she does not get his or her fix; or if his or her tolerance level is not met.

b. Cross Tolerance: it kind of speaks for itself, in that, we are talking now about more than one substance we are using. Again, this is in nature not a difficult term, but used often times quite loosely, and for the wrong reasons at times. Let me explain. Like the word Tolerance, without the ‘cross’ involved, which again implies, the need for higher doses to achieve an effect, one can quickly develop a tolerance to another drug, similar possible, with pharmacological action. The cells of the body are already conditioned to the other substance, consequently, the cross tolerance is simply combining drugs of similar nature. The person doing this is ripe for an overdose. If you are taking alcohol, don’t take barbiturates, you got two sedatives in motion here, and this can be dangerous.

Now, we are coming to the end of Chapter One, it was short and quick chapter, like these entire chapter in this book: but I do need to bring one more thing to your attention here. It is called ‘Cross Addiction,’ I left it for last simply because it would be easier for me to explain it now, and easier for you to learn it since you have the above information all tucked away in your brain. If you have Cross Tolerance, you mostly [I say most likely], have a cross addiction. Why do I say: “Most likely?” Because some drugs do not have a tolerance, but let’s get back to the basics; --the reason a doctor or nurse asks you, “What is your drug history,” is simply because, addiction to one drug sets up the body, or person involved, for addiction to similar drugs [pharmacologically]. We made it this far, now for Chapter two.

Chapter Two

The Whole Person Concept

While you are reading this book you can do one of many things, as I can,--we can pretend we are in Aftercare, learning about Aftercare, or simply teaching Aftercare. I guess there is a forth option for me anyway, I can combine all of these together, and so I shall. You pick out what you want. But let’s say we now are in the group, and I am going to give a lecture, and it is called: “The Whole Person Concept” and you are the client [counselors reading this, just read on, and listen, you’re not the client].

Now one of the members of the group asks me:
“Why do we have to learn the concept you’re about to lecture us?”
I say, “It is not a lecture for you to learn, it is one for me to present so you know where we’re headed and what we should be doing in Aftercare,” now he goes, “Hm…mm.” And I’m ready to start.

The concept is simply, it knows who you are. That is it in a nutshell. No more, no less. But, and we all knew the ‘but’ was coming, there are several different areas. So the reason you are in Aftercare is to become a ‘whole person,’ again, you should be halfway there by now anyhow. Building yourself up is the secret in this concept: emotionally, mentally, socially and spiritually: along with, physically and working on the ‘will’. My job as a counselor is to help you become the best person you can, in all of the above areas. I hope in the process you find the means in creating more energy and power in these areas.
Now what I am going to do is this: I tell the you [you being: the client], “…take a piece of paper, and what you need to do is write on it, or tell me how you are achieving this, ‘whole person,’ thing.’” And what you don’t tell me is what we may need to work on. At the end of the road, I tell the client, “Take responsibility for your own behavior,” that is what an adult does.
Now if I notice you have too much energy in the physical area being distributed, I may recommend you get some more in the mental area. Read more, go back to school [suggestions only]. And I may need for you to tell me how you plan on doing this. If you say, “I’m not going to,” and it is not the reasonable thing to say, I say, “adios amigo…” school is over, no time for playing, only time for healing. You see, it doesn’t happen by itself, we need team work here. We only take ‘the willing.’ Don’t put the book down yet, if you do, simply go to the last chapter on ‘Recovery,’ read it and come back here.

We got to now go backwards, the client [you] has absorbed the information, and knows what has to be done, remember you are the client, for a little while anyway. What is back there that we left? It is called “Who am I?” We can achieve this by…wait, let me say, you may not like what you have to tell me, but you must, so we can go forward, ok, now back again, express your strengths, weaknesses, likes and dislikes about who you are [remember you are talking about yourself now]; give a bibliography account of you. What is most important in your life…this is who you are.
Now remember this is really a group exercise, although I’ve done it in one on one: Aftercare sessions with the Beau of Prisons, inmates, but in this field, you improvise if you have to, remember what I said before, “Whatever floats the boat,” woops, I haven’t used that expression yet—have I, but now I have. This Chapter has been short again, I know, but let’s say: short and sweet is all that was needed, --now let’s move on.

Chapter Three

The Grieving Process

Before I get too far into this process of grieving, let me say, everyone healing, or recovering is grieving. You grieve what you have lost, and everyone grieves differently—some longer, others shorter periods of time. If it is a parent, you grieve. If it is an apartment, or house you’ve lived in for ten to sixteen-years, you grieve it; likewise, if it is a bottle of beer that you made love to for twenty-years or more you grieve it. If it is the high you left behind, you grieve it. If it is a spouse, a divorce, you grieve it. Grieving in a nutshell is letting go, while the wound heals. And in some cases it always leaves a scare, a reminder where you’ve been. And sometimes we open that wound—or the scare reopens itself when a person can’t let go and go forward in his or her life. Yes: sad is still sad, and love is still love, and hate is still hate, and it’s our old usage history that reminds us sometimes, and sometimes for very long periods time, of our past. But that is part of being human; having said that, we need to get on with the ‘process.’
In an Aftercare session, this would be a lecture most likely, and could be a take home assignment, possible in a book to be read, or hand out literature to be reviewed, etc. If we were to translate this into the ‘Whole Person Concept,’ it may fall under emotional-psychological, or the spiritual-social, or even the mental-will category, or possible a combination.

1) First let’s look at the word: Grief= mental suffering or distress, a loss.

2) We are giving up something; it could be based on retirement, possessions, food, moving, and of course, drugs and alcohol.

3) We have to face the main character called: denial, which equals= “It is not so, not true.” In alcohol usage, the person denies he/she has a problem.

In the grieving process:

4) We have to face: Anger, which one may say, “I am so very crazy…mad, angry.” We ask the ‘why’ questions, we become angry at others, ourselves, and life in general. As an alcoholic, I had let it control me for twenty-two years, and yes, I got lost in it. I was angry at how it took my life, took my resources. Anger should be directed toward the source, and so I hated alcohol for what it: could, would and did do, not only for what it has done; --but I came to the realization—it is I who cannot use it, not the other person, for maybe they can use it, and if so I should not be angry at them, which can be a side effect. For example, my brother Mike can drink sensible, I can’t. I could never understand how a person could leave a beer sit on a bar and go home. Why? I’d ask myself, why he even came to the bar unless he was going to get something out of it, like get drunk—smashed. I asked myself, “What other purpose is there?” And never got an answer, because it was so obvious to me: to get smashed, or it should be.

5) Bargaining: is another stage we all seem to have to cross before we heal in the grieving process. Like buying a car, house or something you really want, if you can’t get it one way, you may possible try another, and so what do you do: you bargain it. When I was in Haiti, doing some missionary work up in the mountains, in l986, which I found out quickly, I was no missionary, but I did help build a medical clinic for the inhabitants in the region. And Well, I liked—for the most part—to bargain, and so the group of eighteen-others, had me do all the bargaining for them. But what I am really implying is this: you have been found out, you’re an alcoholic, you can’t hide it anymore, and you start to think, maybe, just maybe I can try to: “Control my Drinking,” that might work, when you’ve endlessly have not been able to stop. You bargain for another try, but you got to dump that bargaining in the garbage can, you can never use safely…period. And you may want to ask the question: why would you want to, after your substance usage took all it did from you?

6) Depression. When my mother passed on, the nurse asked, if I was depressed, I said, “I don’t think so, but I’m very, very sad.” She took that possible for being depressed, and maybe I was. I had come to the conclusion, with my mother; there was nothing that could be done. She died after 24-days in the hospital at 82 ½ -years old, with some complications. Basically, old age; I share this because we get sad. Depression on one hand is a disorder, and was this what the nurse was talking about? I don’t think so. But being very, very sad, may have a connotation of a momentary depression, and what does a person do in this area you go back to drinking often times. You go back to what you know best, what will solve the hurt, thinking it will take care of the problem, when you feel, nothing else can. So she and my doctor was very worried, and for good reason. You see, my anger didn’t work anymore, I couldn’t bargain any longer; I was once again, powerless, what I had learned 22-years previously, concerning alcohol, which was of course, that I was powerless. Like my mother’s concern over my healing 22-years ago, so the nurse and doctor’s concern was over my starting back up again…as it affected my wife. But I didn’t, thanks to everybody; --we are not islands, we need people; and again I thank the nurse, my doctor, my wife, and my mother. And I think my brother was a little concerned so thanks to him, in his silent, poised way.

7) Acceptance. If we go through the whole gamut of emotions, and healing we should run into acceptance along the way. Please remember, everybody grieves differently, some longer, some not so long. Some cry more and heal faster; others are more logical, and acceptance comes quicker. Some people are angrier, and it takes longer. Some keep bargaining. Again, whatever floats the boat? And a loss is a loss; a death of a relationship is just that, a loss. No matter if it was a mother, or alcohol.
Anytime we let go, give a part of our life up, we will create stress, this is called the grieving process. If you are not willing to let go, as an alcoholic or addicted person, and remain in that role, of course you will not recover, it is plain and simple, you will not go forward in life, and die an early death.
Acceptance never asks if you like it, it only tells you, to accept it.

Well, we made it through another chapter, short as they may be, if you are thinking about having a spouse go to Aftercare with you, or are in an AA or support group, or you simply need to deal with emotions, it might be wise to get more material on these steps, work them. A loss is a loss, in your search for a decision, may God be with you and give you strength. Now for the next chapter, number #4.

Chapter Four

First Things First

If you want to drive across the desert
You do two things: first you kill the
Scorpions; second you build the roads.

Likewise, if you want to recover: first
You stop your usage—second, you build
A personal program [a plan: and work it].

Simple: Dlsiluk

Relapse Prevention, Recovery Topic [s]

The guts of Aftercare is right here, right upon us—yes, it is the primary topic of this book, the center, where without it, there would be no Aftercare. Relapse Prevention, is the bones to recovery. A good relapse prevention plan [which is equivalent to a program], will help you immensely through the trials and tribulations that lay ahead. It can be the difference between life and an early death. Most alcoholics die in their 40’s believe it or not; and drug addicts never get old, unless that is when they start their usage. Every Aftercare program has to have some kind of structured in, Relapse Prevention that is; tied into their Aftercare program. If they do not, I’m not sure what to call Aftercare, for it would not be part of what I’d call the Continuum of Care. Put another way, part of the Continuum of Chemical Involvement.
Before we get too deep into Relapse Prevention, let me just hit a bit on Chemical Involvement for you. We really have an assortment of categories in this area; such as 12-which I know of. But instead of presenting the levels for you, what really matters is what we are dealing with. Let me try to summarize this if I can.

Chemical Involvement:
[For your information]

People are different, in that, people’s involvement with chemicals takes on a different perspective, or point of view, by looking at their involvement. In Aftercare this is not the major concern, in that, it should be history now, but on the other hand, it is a concern to see where the person is at. If you are in what I call the first five stages, which deals with Total Abstinence, meaning no use at all: at the level of Risk Use, meaning you are starting to demonstrate, or exhibit some behavior of chemical abuse or pathology, is quite different than the next two stages, being 5 & 6, which indicate Episodic Abuse or Situational Abuse. What you are telling me [or what I am seeing is] is that you are more involved with chemicals, and this is what will help me to help you. In stages 5 & 6, you are really telling me [in my analytical mind], you are using irresponsible or having problematic chemical use; yet it may be time-limited to up to six moths of irresponsible use. Possible indicating a death in the family provoked this, or something else.
Now, when we go to the next level, stages: 7 & 8, we are entering another zone, if you will: these areas are called Chronic Abuse, and Chemical Dependency; --possible meaning, continual, or life-long misuse. In essence, you are suffering, and have a pathological relationship with mood-altering chemicals. You have an illness.
The last three stages are Early, Middle, and Late stages of Chemical Dependency. I need not elaborate, but let me say for safe keeping, harmful consequences: social, emotional, physical are in motion, and insanity is at the end of the road. Now let’s head on over to Relapse Prevention.

Note: by the counselor knowing what level or stage you were at [the client], while in Aftercare, he can have some kind of awareness of you potential need, that is to say, he can be more sensitive to your recovery process. A person who was diagnosed as being in a Chronic Stage of usage, might need more care or attention, or possible direction to other resources of treatment, or aware of the recourses at his or her disposal/retention, than say, someone who was more a problematic user only.

Relapse Prevention [and Recovery]

In my previous book, “A Path to Relapse Prevention,” I capitalize on, of course, Prevention for the most,--in Aftercare, Prevention is one element in the program, and so I will not put all that much time into this area. But let me briefly outline the dynamics.

To understand Relapse Prevention, you must understand how it comes about—otherwise it will not make sense; and it should. It does not start with the first drink; it is really a dynamic of an element already reactivated. It is not by chance you ended up at the Gem Bar, at 9:30 PM, on Saturday night, l999, just when Sam and Harry were there, and happy hour was at its peak. No, no, something else happened. Reactivation comes in the form of a pattern you once knew or triggered by denial, isolation, stress, impaired judgment.
Have you ever heard the man say: “I just can’t figure it out, what got me started again?” In most cases I could or would say, “Man oh man, just open up your eyes, trace your last week of events and you will see why you’re at the Gem Bar,” or Harry’s or the Mont-airy Bar. No big secrets here my friends, it should be loud and clear. But instead of me making you feel bad, let’s look at where it was created from: that is, let’s look from a different view.

What Really Happened?

Most counselors don’t even know this, so if you are a recovering alcoholic, you will be wise beyond the knowledge of the helper, in most cases that is. What, I mean what really happened to provoke this relapse. Why didn’t he see it, or prevent it. And it is not because he didn’t attend my classes, if that is what you are thinking. I’m not that egotistic. But there are good reasons to look at. And it is sad. I had a relapse and I suffered dearly for it. I stopped drinking to save my marriage, and it didn’t get saved, and I started back up for another three years [after a year of sobriety]. And did I ever make up for lost time.
But let’s look at the dynamics, the motivation to go back into hell’s waters. We are not going to look at the surface, but under the surface, that is where the problem is: fear and uncertainty, had gripped the person, in most cases. A lack of confidence crept into the person’s mind, not feeling the ability to stay sober: that is why, when someone uses in treatment, I get rid of those folks quick, because they can infuse this into the group [or a group, per se, that being a lack of self-belief to remain sober].
Now we can go backwards and look at Denial, which is of course, reactivated at this juncture also, it is a relapse dynamic. I was going through counselor school and after my divorce, started using, yes, denial crept in. I had to stop my schooling, it was not conducive. Another thing that was present in many of my classes that provoked a relapse was that, when someone would tell me, “I’m stopping drinking, and that is that,” they felt they did not need Aftercare anymore, and that it was a waste of time. Down the road, was a bar from my office, and after work I’d spot their cars in the bar parking lot. Of course they were dismissed if they were using, some did stop for a coke, in essence, to see if they could walk into a bar and not use; all these little tricks. This is another reason why I do not like to force or impose sobriety on anyone, if they do not want it, then they need more pain, and there is enough out there for a life time, and I had enough, and need to help people, that want help.
For a person to attempt to stop using he needs to make a private judgment, ruling may sound better, to himself, first, not to me. The issue of sobriety has got to be worth his time, to make it worth my time. He has got to see sobriety is a better way of life than using, if he cannot see this, why in heaven’s name he would stop. You got to offer this person something better, and if we counselors cannot do that, we better get out of the business. But on the other hand, all we can do is offer, and if he has not made this verdict, to deal with the issues of sobriety, then no matter what we offer is simply not good enough.

Relapse Dynamics

If you are looking at what is happening to yourself, or your spouse, in the relapse area, you might want to look for: defensiveness, or rigid behavior patterns arising; or compulsive behaviors starting up again; or tendencies toward loneliness; or are you, or your client, or your spouse who is recovering, forming ‘Tunnel Vision,” that is to say, focused exclusively on or in one area, avoiding all other areas? Obsession may prove to be a mirage of security and safety, for the potential relapse victim. Is wishful thinking filling you head, instead of life planning? That can be a cue; how about lack of objectives or too much daydreaming again, back to the wishful-thinking area.

For the individual:

Other dynamics you may want to look at are: feeling hopeless, that nothing can be solved. Do you feel in an immature state of happiness? Or is there a lot of confusion in your head, and has it increased in the thinking area for awhile? Irritation with friends can be a signal something is up. Are you easily angered, and for no reason? Often times before a relapse, over-reaction takes place. Are you eating well balanced meals [you are what you eat]? How is your sleeping [insomnia can be a signal]? One may get the inability to sleep, by over-sleeping. Now look at this with an open mind. When people are first recovering, they sleep a lot; and if they have an illness attached onto their recovery, they could require more sleep than normal; I am not referring to these areas.

For you:

Do you get periods of depression? if so, you most likely have a tendency for isolation, irritability. While working in the hospital, many of my clients fit this description. Depression can become more server and frequent, and needs to be watched.
Are you cutting out your regular attendance meetings, or treatment meeting, or Aftercare meetings, or AA meetings: this sporadic dynamic, can be another cue of a potential relapse in the making; along with the “I don’t care,” attitude, and self-pity. Let me describe my version of self pity: it is when someone can help themselves, and pretend they can’t; the syndrome, ‘…feel sorry for poor little me.’ If you are not in a wheel chair, and you can walk, you do not need my pity, but a kick in the ass to get you moving. Perhaps, you can learn how to kick yourself in the ass, I can actually do it, try it once.
Oh I could go on all day in this area, but I need to get on to other areas, but what we are talking about is, “Loss of Control.” Yes my dear friend, the ability to control was lost along the way, and sometimes you don’t even see it. I know I’ve been hard on you here, but alcoholism, or going back to drug usage, is not a way to get control, you will have it if you do not pick up that bottle, or use that drug, then my friend, control is in your pocket.

Chapter Five

A Checklist for Hidden Anger

It has been said: men release anger, and hide hurt, and women hide anger and release hurt. True or not, it boils down to this [like it or not]: hurt and anger are relatives. If you have a lot of anger, underneath that is hurt; if you have a little anger and a little hurt, you most likely have worked on hurt [which is good]; if you have a lot of hurt and no anger—you need to ask why? for there should be some. Yes, these feelings must be worked out, released, dealt with, or they will come out sideways, like it or not. In recovering people: drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc, there is an assortment [or one could say abundance] of both: anger and hurt—more than enough—to go around, normally, for everybody. And so, in Aftercare you have a good chance to work on what is left. That is to say, you should have worked on it prior to Aftercare, and this should just be a checklist for you, or a slight adjustment. In essence, taking your inventory, which again should have been dealt with in treatment, can affirm whatever adjustment you may need. So having said all this let’s look at the list:

1. Got unnatural pain in the stomach?

2. Depression, too much sadness for your normal self? That is to say, unreasonable sadness…being sad is not bad in itself; it is a form of recovering. I was sad when my mother died, almost went into depressions, and possible I did. But sadness should say, “You had good times with her.” When we get into depression as a disorder, that formula will not work anymore.

3. Unnecessary tightness in the face especially during your sleeping hours or resting time.

4. Inadvertent body movements?

5. Fatigued when you should be rested?

6. Irritability over little things? Look for displaced anger, that is, your anger at something or someone other than it should be; and/or taking it out on something you are not angry at. Maybe you need to direct the anger at what you’re mad at.

7. Boredom, why? Why should you be loosing interest in things; that is your question, in things that you normally would not bore you? Remember grieving is a natural process and I am not trying to tell you not to grieve, but some things are not natural, and you need either education, medication, rest, prayer, talk’s therapy: something. Yes, you need help or someone to help you along. When my mother died, my brother took a few trips to settle his nerves. For myself, I went to the doctor, talked to people, finished a book “A Path to Relapse Prevention,” and a sort of other things to console myself during this process, and prayer. It has been six months now, and it still hurts. And I think of her each day. And tears don’t come as often, but they still do come now and then. And I find myself reflecting a lot about her. And so, the process is working.
You may ask the question: did you feel like drinking…Yes, at one part of my early grieving process, right before I’ve seen the doctor. But that was a feeling; I did not put it into action.

8. Check out your intonations, your tone of voice. Are you speaking real loud?

9. Dreams, nightmares—how are they coming? Again, if prayer is you thing, get on your knees and find peace, find God; if it is medication, use it; if it is therapy, get it.

10. Smile. It‘s hard, and after my mother died, that is the last thing on this earth I wanted to do; really, I could have died. She died 6-months ago, from the writing of this sentence, and it still hurts, but I have dealt with it, and I do smile. You see, there is a time for everything on the face of the earth, and that means also there is a time for grieving to stop. Death is universal, I will die also. And so, little by little I put back on this face of mine a smile. Talked to my doctor at the VA hospital and she was very kind to me. And talked to my brother, and wife, and everyone [as I partially mentioned in the previous paragraph]; and was quiet for awhile, and again I repeat, the smile went back on. Yes, I found out I wasn’t the only one in the world that lost a loved one. And I suppose it will happen again. And I have been in war, Vietnam, for a year, l971. But never, ever was I torn apart as when my dear mother died. So if I can, you can, put the smile back on. And I know my mother would have it no other way. I have thought about her everyday since she died, and I’m not sure if it will be everyday until I die, but if it is so, it is ok, and if it is not so, again I’m ok with that, but the smile will be there now, sometimes not so big, sometimes a little sad, but sadness, again, only reflects good times.

11. How is your humor now-a-days, sarcastic, ironic, cynical, flipped—four questions in one, why?

12. Procrastination?

Hidden Anger: This is not about rant and raving—which is anger out of control, but rather forms of anger called: irritation [as if you can not get through a door], or a hassle, as if someone or everyone is bothering you. These are simply negative feelings that seem to hold on to one common goal: sinful or unhelpful. Something that is not the norm, yet something that seems to come no matter what; sometimes the angry person doesn’t even know he’s angry. I think when my mother died, I didn’t know, I was angry, or if I did, I wasn’t’ sure what to call it: I was too overwhelmed; thereafter comes damage control. Anger is neither right nor wrong, it just is, and it’s an emotion. But, and this is a Big But, the anger belongs to you, not me, not her or him, or anyone else, it is yours my friend, the anger is yours, as well as the trigger that made you angry. Do not lay it at my foot steps; you are responsible for your own feelings.
Anger is yours as I say again, and let’s not try to justify you being anger, or if you are allowed to have anger, you are allowed to have it, and you do not need to justify it, it just is. Do not say, “My feelings should be,” nor let someone else say, “You should feel”, point of fact, you are feeling this way, like it or not, no matter what he or she or you say. What you need to do is make a decision, create a plan, like you do with everything else. You know, like one plans to buy a house, food, or other things. One plans the needs for the car, like gas, insurance, etc. It’s a process, and I know you don’t like it, but tough, it is part of dealing with a situation. Do it and stop the belly aching?
What you do not want to do is: hide from it, or as it is said in the addiction field, go to: ‘disassociation,’ which may involve, going to gambling [a cross-addiction now], or to some other kind of addiction. You got to get it: out, out, out, out, out, out, out. Get the picture yet? Find friends, groups, therapy, pray, but you need to express. And since this is Aftercare, you need to bring it up to your counselor, or group: the End.

Chapter Six

Affirmations

Everyone needs a hug, yes oh yes, and sometimes you got to do it yourself, this is how:

It is called Affirmations, and if your wife feels it is too much for her to see you patting yourself on the back, then tell her to do it for you: but it can work for you, and is simply another tool in the toolbox of helping the recovering person on the road to avoiding a relapse, or a slip in his addiction. When I started using these on myself in AA groups I felt funny, in a like manner, when I asked people to use them in group therapy in treatment, or in Aftercare, they felt funny. We all do, don’t we? Sure we do, that is to say, we all feel funny saying: “I am a very likeable person!” Why? Maybe because we heard for so long, “I am a very incapable person?” During my recovery, I picked one out a day, along with reading the read book on the 12-steps, and a daily devotional book. In any case, let’s hope your Aftercare group can figure out better ones than I can, but how about these:

I am a very funny and humorous person.

I am a person that can learn anything given the chance.

I am truly a person of quality.

I am great, I mean down-right cool, in a wholesome way.

I can say no or yes, it is not up to the other person, it’s up to me.

I am an attractive person.

I am very able.

I can change.

I can grow, instead of simply go through life.

I have courage, and that means saying what needs to be said.

I have pride, but that includes needing other people also.

I am an insightful person, and kind.

God loves me, and always has, no one is perfect.

I am a valuable person.

I can be calm, and I am learning.

I think you got the picture, and I can write a book, and now I’m doing it, and it will make sense, how do I know, I’m doing it. You’re reading it. If I make mistakes, I hope you forgive me, but I’m not perfect, and will not take it to heart, but will try better next time.

Chapter Seven

Symptoms of Chemical Dependency

1. Drug-a slanting existence [or way of life]: Often referred to as ‘Psychological Dependency.’ In my other two books, ‘…Sobriety,’ and ‘…Prevention,’ I get more into the psychological elements of the addiction. But let me point out a few things here. When drugs become more important in your life than life, you are most likely then to be as physically attached to it, as much as you are mentally obsessed by it. I have pointed out in other books, such things as a person gets to the point of: using alone, finding more occasions to use, social drugs become one’s medicines, and as expected, you want to be around your kind: other drug users.

2. Psychological-I know, I’ve just mentioned this, let’s go for round two: obsession that is where we are remaining at, thinking about it, thoughts swirl about usage. Guess: intoxication? Yes you are preoccupied with the usage of drugs, that is a symptom, what this chapter is about, in number one, when I was saying, it was becoming or became a way of life, now it is even more so, another step up, or level down, however you perceive it, it is not good: it is being absorbed by it, you are most likely hoarding it, hiding it for later, or you did. In Aftercare, what we need to do is remind you this was your past, not present, and that it could be your future; you see, we can never, ever use safely again—point blank, no questions please.

3. Emotional- Are you, or did you notice how fast you were putting those drugs down. You know you do not have to read this paragraph every week, but on occasions, it’s a good reminder where you were at. Of course you were dumping them down, just like one drinks coke. How about impulsivity? How about fortified does? How about being itchy in delays in usage; yes, oh yes, you got the picture, and can probably draw me a better one.

4. Self Regard- How are we doing above? Feeling like you just left home? Oh well, you’ve been there, did that most likely, and if your spouse is reading this, friend or lover who is unfamiliar with this area of concentration, sit back and relax, you can learn, or get in the way. And you really do not want to get in the way I hope; and believe it or not, some folks do, you know: like getting in the way—stopping another person’s progress so they can baby-sit them: having them dependent on them. Some loved ones really, deep down inside, do not want to loose a care-taking job.
Oh well, let’s proceed: do you love yourself? Do you regard yourself as ok? In my other two books on addiction, prevention and drugs, ‘self-esteem,’ is brought out, which of course is the same as regard and love. Same thing as saying: ‘I have value,’ like in our affirmations. You see, one leads into the other. Can you take a few compliments without loosing it? If not you got it my friend, the ‘dead bee,’ sting, that paralyzed you [shame]. Possible with a little shame mixed up in the bowl of confusion. Are you putting yourself down…NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, do not ever, ever put yourself down? You know what I mean? by saying such things as: “Man I am so dumb.” Never, ever do that. We all do dumb things, but that does not make us dumb.

5. Stiff Unhelpful Attitudes- you know what I’m talking about? It means you’re an asshole; yup, we can even add a goofball possible to this. In nice terms, it means you are not very nice. What must you do—read: be kind, be caring, be positive, and socialize with your up head normally, not stretched out and up like an ostrich, that is to say, not in the air [see now we’re just going to the opposite of Self-esteem]. Change and correct yourself, before you have to, or someone makes you.

6. Defensive- now why would you want to be defensive? Protective, suspicious, the word defensive has a lot of connotations, but why? You got to ask questions, yourself questions, why, why, why, why, why…? Why are you trying to hide, protect your drug [and that includes alcohol, and gambling, and compulsive eating]? Do you want me to tell you? Or does your spouse or loved one sitting down by you, want to know? I’ll tell him or her now: get up, this is for you, because I do not think the user wants to tell you this secret [this can be called denial if you want to call it that]: he/she has worked very, very hard at his/her system, years and years at it [right?]. Matter of fact, he/she has an ongoing relationship with it, the drug, just like you, but he chose the drug, you already know that though, unless things have changed. He doesn’t want to divorce it.

7. Delusion- yup, we got them. But just what are we talking about. Haw, get the loved one back here; this is for them as well as you: it is called truth. One of the symptoms of Chemical Dependency is the failure to look at the truth. If you did, you’d be liable. So what do we do best? Come on. Tell your loved one or the group what you do best, or did best—coward, you know what it is, what you did: you blamed others.

8. Weakness- you cannot stop it because of weakness? Is that not right? “No,” you say. Why [that damn why gets in here all the time]—Why? You have what is called powerlessness, helplessness, and hopelessness, which is truly a consequence of chemical use. If he or she is telling you, if you are still there [the none-addictive], and he is saying I will quite, that is bullshit right from the bull’s door. That is a symptom.

9. Physical-oh everything comes with the package. Today you can drink five beers and they get you drunk, tomorrow six, next year a 12-pack, and somewhere down the road, a case of 24-bears. You can do this with any alcohol drink, or drug, the progression is about the same. Along with memory failure and withdrawals and decreased tolerance, etc.

In Aftercare we should not have to worry about this so much, just remind ourselves where we were, where we are at, and where we could end up, --save for the fact, we come to the belief it could not happen to us.

Chapter Eight

A Few Facts:

Suicide and Death with our Youth: It is a fact, that suicide is high among teenagers in high school. It is also a fact, that suicide is high among college students; and yes, most fail in actually dying in the process, but a high percentage does not. It is a fact Indian teenagers have a high death rate. I was going to work at an Indian facility in Minnesota, but it didn’t workout the way I wanted, but I did find it was an ongoing concern for the tribe whom seemed to be getting a lot of money from the casino, yet even though their lifestyle had changed financially, so did their drinking habits: they drank more, and higher quality liquor.
On another note, did you know, more black teenagers kill themselves in the Northern part of America than white teenagers; and more white teenagers kill themselves down South than black teenagers. I have lived in both the South and North, and one can see the pressures on both ends of the Mason Dixie Line.
In addition, there are more females than males committing suicides.

I worked for many years with teenagers and to be quite honest, it was hard. If only they not only had the drug and alcohol issues, but the growing pains, the self-destruction circles came along with it, and of course the drugs and alcohol. Adolescents are dying for attention, to be listened to. Half the time they don’t give-a-shit what you say, they just want to be heard. Some of this has to do with the separating of families, so we cannot blame everything on drugs and alcohol. We can look at isolation as a hindrance also. Yes, they are crying for a plan, as they listen to their loud music, and eat their fast food, and write their letters, “Dear Mom and Dad…” Some 12, others 14, and you name it, and you can pick the age. So what do we do? I got the answer, but no one will like it: just don’t become an adult. But you see, that is the point, or possible, they are trying to.
So as we recover, and sit in our Aftercare sessions, we also can become better parents, and let our kids know where we’ve been. If they don’t listen, well, they will just have to suffer. But let’s hope they do, as you guide them.
There is no crystal ball, no real magic wane to all this, I had five kids, and well, let me leave it at that. But I know what doesn’t work, rather than what does: first, not communicating will not work; second, isolation will not work; third, drugs and alcohol will not work; forth, an overdose will, that is why they overdose. Let’s skip to the fifth: he needs sleep, but not too much, and if he gets too much, he needs to get up, so we have a roller coaster here, too little vs. too much. But what am I really saying: depression vs. insomnia? Has he lost too much weight, why? Did someone he knows commit suicide? Good question.

Now let me close this area of thought, it is depressing; I am not saying suicide has gotten to some epidemic proportion, matter of fact to the contrary, but we need to look at our battle for there are many sides to it.

Chapter Nine

Hidden Agenda

In Aftercare, or for that matter in any group setting, let me rephrase this: in any therapeutic setting, one usually [the group leader or facilitator, the counselor] will sit on his chair, let’s say we have a group and there are thirteen clients, or patients in the group, and we are in Aftercare, as this book is related to, and the counselor opens the group up. Now normally he has the group engage in what is called a few minutes of talking about their weekend, or week, etc., --how they did, or if they had any triggers, or relapses, or close calls. In inpatient or outpatient treatment, this conversation may last for a few minutes; let’s say 3 to 5 minutes. Some members may pass, and simply say: “My weekend or week was normal, no ups or downs, or surprises, no damage, no crisis, nothing out of the ordinary, to include urges to use.” Now some counselors spend more time in this circular discussion than they do in the rest of the session program, let’s say it is for three-to-four hours long, the treatment session that is, or for that matter, the Aftercare session. On the other hand, some counselors do not even get into having the ‘hidden agenda’ brought out; only want each member to say: hello, my name is…
Now, having said that, here is my—I want to say opinion, but let’s say instead, my therapeutic view on the matter: let’s say for the sake of this statement, you are now in Aftercare, and as such, Aftercare is an extension of the Continuum of Chemical Involvement, or Care--: that means in essence, you are working on—or should be working on—abstinence [in some few cases ‘selective abstinence’]; --by saying this, what I imply is: you are on a different road than when you first started, which is now called ‘Non-Use,’ which points to attending A.A. groups, and ancillary services, non-residential care, etc. Not Primary Prevention programs for the most part or intervention services or for that matter even treatment. Now having said all that, I would spend as much time needed in the circle of releasing a person’s ‘hidden agenda;’ as I have indicated before, as needed, without hindering the group process. That is to say, if it did not take the whole session. Why, because that is what Aftercare is about. And I may recommend additional services if this group was not what he/she needed to handle the issues being presented.
Normally, a person will express in the group some family issues, or health issue, or decision making issues, and one’s feelings that go along with them, and it is good to process them, then and there. It is pretty hard for a group to go ahead with its normal routine when members are congested with ongoing dilemmas, mixed feelings, hurts, and anger, and pain. Once this is out of the way, then the counselor can carry on with his program. Matter of fact, if the counselor has his program written out a week in advance, as I did, he can do some quick substituting, and whatever the issues are at hand, he may be able to grab a lecture on anger, or feelings, or resistance—whatever the ‘hidden agenda’ demands and present that to the group.
But working with the ‘hidden agenda’, is a super tool for the client to get it out, and go ahead with his life. To be heard, get ideas, and maybe one can not fix everything up, but once out, it will possible take the edges of the corners so he or she can sleep a little better, and in many cases, the rest of the session will go much smoother. We must remember, Aftercare demands different rules than Treatment, and can make more allowances than a rigid program, and therefore, why not work on what the client needs, and that is the ‘here and now,’ elements of his life.

Chapter Ten

Anxiety

Some alcoholics have depression, others have anxiety. In both cases they can be disorders, or learned bad behavior. In my past two books I’ve brought out depression more so than anxiety; --but now that you’re healing, and in Aftercare, anxiety seems to be needed. I, myself had more anxiety than depression. But I worked with both during the few years I was employed at a ‘Freestanding Facility,’ in the dual disorder area.
Anxiety, we can call it panic if you wish. It doesn’t mean you are going crazy, or that you have schizophrenia, of which I’ve worked with these humble folks also; for Schizophrenia is a biological, genetic disorder: whereas, anxiety problems are not. Good, we got that out of the way, now,
We have this panic inside of us, and I feel at times I’ll break down because of it. Is that how you feel? used to feel?
Panicky, or anxiety cannot make you do anything you do not set your mind to do: you are nervous—is what you are, and if you make a decision to jump up and down, you most likely will do so, and if you choose to calm down and lay back for a spell, you will most likely become un-panicky. Make sense? Or is it too easy for you to digest? Your muscles are under what is called ‘voluntary control’, meaning, your heart is under the autonomic nervous system, and if you want to control you heart beat, lay back, calm down, you have the control valve.

Being frightened and the loss of control: remember you’re in Aftercare now, not Treatment, so let’s think like Aftercare people: I do not know of anyone whoever got a heart attack because of anxiety: ok, now, the rapid heart rate you are experiencing, is simply part of the natural defensive process of the heart called, ‘fight or flight response’. This is normal. It will eventually go back down to normal. Matter of fact, exercise will make the heart go faster to be quite frank.
In addition to panic, or anxiety, what may cause some discomfort also is tension in the intercostals muscles in your chest area, so let us not get that mixed up with—or mistake it for—heart disease. What I am trying to get at is: anxiety is an issue, but it may not be as big as you make it. I doubt you will faint because of it, unless you have blood phobia. Fainting is not normally associated with anxiety attacks. And yes, many alcoholics have this condition of anxiety.
Now let’s face the issue: panic or anxiety attacks, and I’ve seen them in the facilities I’ve worked in, and have been involved with them, but I am no expert, but let me say: these attacks have what is called episodes, where one will start [which I have done myself on several occasions in the long, far past] to hyperventilate, consequently, low level, chronic hyperventilation. Especially when one is under stress; -- I’ve even caught people before they fell to their knees with this anxiety. What is happening here is, or I should say, what is needed here is: raise your [his/her] level of carbon dioxide through breathing restraining; thus, making it less likely that you’ll experience symptoms. Remember I said you have the control valve?

Myth: many, if not most people think, “I’m not getting enough oxygen,” I used to think that all the time, and try to get more in me fast. I would guess you have too much at this point, in relatationship to the quantity of carbon dioxide. Grant you, it seems to the contrary, but it is not, believe me, you need balance my friend, that is: ‘oxygen vs. carbon dioxide balance.’

Why: why me? Or I could say, why you? Good question. You know, when I got these anxiety attacks, I said: “Time to have a few good beers,” and that took the edge off everything. Good reason to drink, haw? Well, it was simply one of 1000-reasons I suppose, as well as any. But we are trying to get to the: ‘why,’ of things.

1) Possible I was genetically susceptible to attacks. Yet this does not mean I am destined to forever to be bothered by them, for I am not, I have learned how to control them, deal with them; expect them, and avoid them.

2) Stress in life. Stressors can surely be a cause of anxiety, such as buying a house, bankruptcy, marriage, divorce, buying a car, getting or the loss of a job; --the birth of a child; also, money problems, too much or too little. Learn how to down size the problem by making it a small one, you know by saying: this is really no big thing.

3) Breathing patterns can get worse during stressful times, and here we go into hyperventilation again, but you can control these by adjusting.

4) Misconceptions: can bring on fear, which gives rise to bodily symptoms of anxiety [fear of fear], thus, this can bring on attacks.

I hope this has shed some light on anxiety, it is all I know, and for those who have this issue of ongoing anxiety, and had Chemical Dependency issues, you need to look at it closer, and deal with it, as I have. It is the polar opposite of depression, which many folks get in the CD-area. I do not mean to give medical advice; I am simply saying what I have learned in the field. You need to talk to a doctor, or mental health specialist, or research this area more and do your own individual therapy if you wish.

Chapter Eleven

The 12-steps Steps
[Interpreted and Understood]

In my first Chemical Dependency [CD] book, “A Path to Sobriety,” I touched on the 12-steps, exploring lightly the fundaments of the steps. In my second book, “A Path to Relapse Prevention,” I related them to one another. And in this book, the 3rd in the series, “Aftercare, a Path through It,” I will try to interpret them according to their character makeup.

In an Aftercare group, normally the counselor would do a group lecture on the subject, give an assignment, and talk about it during the next session. Here I will give you a summation, it is not perfect—but the counselor needs to know if you have an understanding of the steps. In Aftercare he does not have enough time to devote to it much more than six-hours I would expect, that is why they have 12 and 16 step groups. But again I say, the counselor needs to know where you are with them, otherwise s/he might just as well talk to the wall.

Interpret and Understand

My job is to interpret; your job is to understand, ok? Ok. You may have read many books on recovery, actually there are not all that many out there, and most are so full of gobbledygook, only a Yale professor could understand, but none-the-less, if you have read books on recovery, or treatment [insure they are understandable], most give what I consider great ideas—but many do have some off the wall dreams that are coming from someone who has not walked down the same road you and I have, and it only works in their dreams, if you know what I mean. But again, that is why I take time to read these books and ideas, and scan them with my eyes for thoughts and research; but you have right this minute in your hands a formula with my three books. Let me explain. The first book of mine deals mostly with understanding, the second deals with applying; and the third is maintenance work, as you should be doing now; and as I mentioned above, interpreting takes place in all three books [be it step work or anything in this area of concentration].

In Aftercare with the simple 12-steps we have here, we see it has remained solid with the test of time, not like these new idea books. No experimentation needed here. It has proven itself to be worth its weight in whatever you value the most. The soul, its core in AA is the 12-steps—period. It should be part of your recovery program. It is like riding a horse without a saddle or harness, should you not take it as living proof of long term recovery. A man named Bill wrote them, and we have taken from him and the experiences of his followers the gift within them, the wisdom, and kept it polished, for I have been sober for 21-years, and the steps have proven to be valuable throughout all those years. Now having said all that let us get to the steps, ok? Ok.

1—We admit to God we are powerless over alcohol…that we no longer have control over our drinking. Meaning, it has control over us, that is why we say we can stop, but we continue to use. You become a slave to it.

Remember in the beginning of the book the saying, dealing with ‘Denial:’

“Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.”

2—Came to the belief that a power greater than ourselves could [can] restore us to sanity. The step is implying you are crazy. But it also implies, hope can be grabbed onto, or the promise of hope is present.

3—Made a decision to turn our will and lives over to the care of God as we understand Him, In essence, we are letting go, and so we can go forward.

But again let me quote from the beginning of the book, that as recovering person we need to remember, ‘Alcohol is patient; it will wait forever for us to return to it.’

In short, all three steps 1, 2, and 3 are God steps, also known as control steps, which deal with making a decision to let go, turn it over, and grab onto hope; for you are going on a journey my comrade. I do not think Aftercare or Treatment or the 12-steps should be a hard task, and on the other hand I hope I am not oversimplifying them, but there is nothing hard here. You don’t need ten books on the subject to know what to do. Now we are going to go into the Action Steps, the next six steps to be exact.

Action Steps

There are no hidden secrets here just plain old talk. The following steps are again action steps, meaning you have to do something to make them work for you. We have here steps: 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, and 9.

4—Make a searching and fearless inventory of ourselves [us]; you now get to ‘know yourself,’ who you really are; which should really be an ongoing task. Your inventory may include such things as: your strengths and weaknesses. You may want to make a list of them, and you and the group talk about those issues, if that is what they turn out to be; or you may want to bring it to the attention of your one-on-one counselor may want to talk it out with him or her; but in Aftercare, it most likely will be a group task.

5—Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being…our wrongs. We call this humility. Sometimes this task may come in the form of a confrontation, or dialogue.

Again let me quote from the front of the book: “Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it;” denial again. But you got to admit, and the demon of alcohol does not what you to convince yourself you really, truly, have it.

As steps 1 thru 3 are related, so are steps 4 and 5 related to one another. You are working on and exposing yourself in these five steps. This can be called reconciliation or ‘spiritual awakening.’

Steps: 6 & 7—you are now ready to have God remove your defects [or undesirable behavior] in character, and you humbly ask Him to do so. These two steps are powerful; you are on your own now, and have to go directly to the big guy, God himself, or your higher power [whoever that is]. This is an action required.

Steps: 8 & 9—these again are two related steps, and here you make a list of the people you have harmed and you ask for forgiveness; keep in mind it is not a requirement they give it [forgiveness that is], just that you asked for it. In essence, you are trying to repair any damage previously done. I had to do this and it was most humbling at best, but you end up clearing the table of any sharp chicken bone.

Steps 10, 11, and 12, go together; they are called the maintenance steps.

In these three steps you can make and take time to review your inventory of unwanted behavior; and when you find those little ‘blind spots,’ things we did not see before, but see now, correct them, work on them. Remember no one is perfect, and therefore we can’t expect ourselves or others to be perfect. We no longer need to hide that fact. We continue to keep our spiritual life up, alert and pray for understanding. Most of us pray, Christian, Jew, Muslim, Buddhist, Gay people, Hindu; I have been in synagogues, churches, mosques, Buddhist temples, and prayed at Hindu shrines. I have counseled gay people as well as Christian people. It is all about keeping the spirit full, when you direct it to the Creator; you are trying to talk to him. It is what we need to do, however you do it. In addition to these steps, we now need to reach out and help another person, why not, you’re all fixed up now, Right?--☺ Help fix another person up…it’s ongoing my friend.

The 12-steps are simply a recovery tool, no more, no less. It was not the beginning, nor is it the middle or the end of anything, it is something ongoing, it simply was something someone created with God’s wisdom, and it works—no magic involved. Use it.

Chapter Twelve

The Cycle of Violence

No need to have physical violence or sexual violence in our picture, but it often comes like it or not. Being 20-years in this business, and 22-years using, and 21-years chemically free, “Violence” is an unsharpened edge just waiting around every corner of a user.

In this last section, I want to bring out to the client, and counselor, the new counselor possible, or the old one that wants to bush up on old things a few dynamics in the area. We as growing, and un-using clients, need to keep our balance, likewise we need to take our inventory, and let us not forget, be kind. In doing all these things, which help us stay in check, some of us having that wild streak in us yet need this more than others, and yet some may not even need to review this at all. But here we go:

1) First of all, let’s define Violence; --how about “Power and control.”

2) Now we are on our way. Making and carrying out threats this is violence? We can look at it in a few different ways. If you are a landlord— and you are a woman—and a tenant threatens to hurt you if you do not let him do this or that, this is violence. On another level, a child may tell a parent, I’ll commit suicide if you do not do this or that. Again, we are dealing with using coercion and threats to get our way. I have been involved in both such cases with clients. Also, “I’ll report you to the Welfare, or the IRS, if you don’t do this or that.” Another threat is: “Drop charges or else;” which normally the ‘else’ means: I’m going to hurt you like I’ve been doing right along.

3) Using Intimidation: how about those looks, and actions, gestures. Are you getting your control by using them, I did that once to an old man and women when I was using alcohol, I was only 15-years old. I looked at the old man and woman with evil eyes, and I continue to remember his frightened face to this day. I wish I could have taken that back, but that was 40-years ago. I also smashed things when I was temperamental, after a drinking spell, or getting drunk, not hurting anyone per se, or physically, yet, if you stood by watching, it was intimidation. I have had friends, who abuse pets when under the influence of drugs and alcohol, and had a few used weapons, in one case a friend of mine died by a weapon—got shot.

4) Using Emotional Abuse: we do normally use all we can—do we not? [That is, to get the power and control.] And to be quite honest, we are creative. You know, like belittling her, or not allowing her to see or talk to anyone, or timing her as she goes to ‘Target,’ yes oh yes. I had a female friend’s husband do that, and in so doing, my friend was intimidated, and it is called: control and this control is called: Violence. I often used a more psychological approach to get my way: make them feel guilty. One of my wives used to play mind games that are emotional abuse. Humiliating a person, or shaming somebody—both the same, is a sin. So if you are in Aftercare reading this, you might want to take note, and see if you are still doing any of these things, if so, get back to reality jerk, you don’t own anyone, no one.

5) Using Seclusion: this is a good one. A family member continues to do this, that is, he or she goes on with doing this seclusion thing, and it works: the person uses it to control his wife, his kids to the point of no return: meaning, controlling what she does, who she sees, talks to, where she goes; in addition, he forbids her to do things without his permission, as a result, limiting her involvement with other people in the outside world—why? Again to insure she does not get too far away from him so he can do with her mind as he pleases. Often times, he doesn’t even know she’s being cooked alive until she is.

6) Responsibility—I want to work with the words: ‘reducing and denying:’ what I am really saying, by saying this is—to the world outside our mind, also to our family in particular—we are not serious, not taking things somberly: implying, as if this [something] or that [something] really didn’t happen. Saying she, or they caused it—blaming. What we are trying to sew together is taking responsibility; you like to take your rights: right? So also one must learn to take one’s responsibility.

7) I’ve been married a few times, and have children, five to be exact. And one of the power-control areas a lot of people use is: children. I have done many things wrong in my life, but I have not used children to get my way. And in two marriages, it is sad to say, they have. Like so many others out there. And the courts do little or nothing about it. Judges are as fickle as the abusers are abusive. They do not look at what is written anymore, they for some odd reason, think they got it in their heads, and make personal judgments that do not help the child. I have seen this in the Courts of St. Paul, Minnesota for 20-years, and in the courts of Columbus, Ohio. It is a down right sin, and these judges, and especially referees [that think they are judges] should be thrown off the benches, and out of the courtrooms of America. You see, even judges and referees can abuse power, and they do. But let’s look at this a little more. Abuse or using children comes into play when we use visitation to hurt or trouble the other person, or threatening to take the children away. Allowing a family member to be deprived of the child because the mother wants to sail to Florida or move to Washington, something like that, and takes the child with her. That is using the child. Then the judges wonder why parents are angry and mad, and children are spoiled, and people get hurt. The judges do it as does the legislature in most every state; my beautiful St. Paul, Minnesota being the worse of the lot. And this goes for everything, especially if you’re in the Landlord business; get out of it if you’re in St. Paul.

8) Male Privilege, female advantage: threatening one another as if that person is a servant. Not just males, no, no, let’s add females to the list. In this new modern day and age, the master of the house is not the father, and sometimes not the mother, rather the damn spoiled kids [again, a down right shame in St. Paul, Minnesota]. The male, is but the seed, with a little emotional support, and the courts trying to grab the paycheck from the male. You say a little biased, no, just truthful.

9) Financial mistreatment: let’s say it is, or means ‘providing;’ now two people are guilty here. I know the females want to say, this is a man area, bullshit. Not any more. He gets a job, he pays his support, and the female judge says: she can move anyplace in the country with the five year old kid. Now where is the mistreatment here? The father has a home, a job, and if he wants to see the kid, he got to go where she is. And like it or not, he has to pay support. Now let’s change this a bit, they are married, and living together, and she is taking care of the child, and he gives her an allowance, and she starts working, and he takes her money, and in both cases she does not know about, or have any access to bank accounts, or family income: he’s an asshole [we got them in Minnesota also].

Chapter Thirteen

Recovery

Talk to other recovering people and hear what works for them. Stock up on everything you can on recovery-or recovering, as you wish. Make your sobriety –recovery a trip to enjoy. If need be, allow yourself to become the kid inside of you, but be grateful to the people willing to share with you their journey, or testament.

Now as you look back, remember what you left behind you. Possible a hospital for treatment, or clinic, and even a ‘detox,’ center thereabouts. Then there are the family members who had to endure, deal with your issues, a few groups of people here and there possible. Not much glimmer haw? But a lot of hard work to get where you are now; but then that is part of recover, work.
Possible your road to recovery has been 30 to 90 days; or a year, or two or three—being sober that is. Mine is 21-years, but then it has had it bouts also. But we keep on trucking, moving on. When I got my three year medallion, I thought I had really earned it, and when I got my eight-year medallion, I was so proud, now I’ve never got another one, not sure why. But just writing this third volume is making me think about getting one.

When you first went for help, stepped into, or underneath the recovery Canopy, I doubt you were in any kind of good shape, physically or mentally. People rarely are. And so, you had to adjust, psychologically without your sidekick, that being, your drug of choice. But now that is behind you, now you can sleep and eat normally like other human beings. Now that lead me into what I want to talk on for a quick moment:
Sleep. Sleeping sober was one of the greatest gifts I was given for my sobriety, or so I feel. Most non-addicted folks do not realize how we suffer for sleep. And normally the first three months of sobriety, during this recovery stage, we sleep a lot. One time I slept 19-hours [that is right], nineteen long, long hours; what a stretched out, marvelous sleep. Matter of fact, I slept long hours for the first nine-months; forget this 90-days stuff. And thereafter for about three years I had nothing but great long sleeps, where I’d sleep about 9.15 hours per night. Man O man, did I enjoy.
Now there was a second thing I was talking about in a few paragraphs above, it was right after sleep I think, called eating. Yes eating sober is a delight. It is a gift to be able to at last taste the food, smell it; we learn that the gift, so taken for granted by others, is overwhelming for us the first few years of recovery. But of course this is our past, right; it is nice to look back and see where we came from, where we are at, and where we are heading.
I mentioned sleeping, eating, but I left out one thing, and it is called celebration. The recovery process should be a celebration; especially during the first three to eight months of your recovery. When for instance, we go through all these new feelings we forget we had, and now are discovering. Yes they are appearing on all sides of us, unpadded and fantastic at the same time. Yes, we may get some anxiety my friend, it may creep into your soul, your character, but don’t let it stop the celebration. Once I saw a woman who needed to get something out, and she was so ridden with anxiety, she had to sit down, looked me in the eyes, looked at her hands shaking, and then sat on them, and started talking as if nothing was a problem. I love it, what more can you ask for. She didn’t let the anxiety control her; she stopped the action before it went overboard.

Can you remember going to your first group meeting? Be at AA, NA, or a 12-step group, or whatever group, support group that is, you attended? Or any group for that matter to deal with drug or alcohol issues. At one time this AA group I am referring to, in my mind was an isolated and non-applauded club for weak people. Now I was more significant in the world when I recovered, and it was for me, and now I became comfortable with it. You see, all in time. Yes, in time the meetings became less baffling. It all means you’ve been on the road to recovery: as you may now be in Aftercare, which is part of that road.
Another element of the recovery process understands the main fundamentals of the 12-steps. You see, it gives a person a clear message of hope and urgency, and yes it is God-based, but it does not mean you have to be converted to anything other than sobriety. In all my 12-step work in groups no one was ever criticized at any time, or at any level for not making a commitment on talking to God; only for not taking a commitment for recovery. Pray as you will, or don’t pray at all, but remain sober. Admit and be honest, this is the program in a nutshell.
The Paradox: we all should know it: Right? There is supposed to be one anyways, or so I have heard. Let me see if I can untie it, or for that matter even find it. I never had a hard time with it, but some folks do. Let me see if I can sum it up, and then tell you what they call the paradox: you don’t have to act on your feelings—that’s it. Now let me name it: Letting go. You may be saying this is so simple: yes and no. I made it simple, but I can make it hard. Let me give you an example: “You said to let go and I did, and I got drunk. Now this is because you told me to, so it is your fault.” You ever hear that before. What the person did and didn’t do was this: he was most likely trying to work the program, and as it says: ‘Let go,’ but forgot the last three words, ‘Let go, and let God.’ Now I said you do not have to fight with the 12-steps over God, so I left it out, as do most of the people who get caught up in this paradox. If you leave out God, you got to put in: you don’t have to act on your feelings. And that is exactly what that man did. He left out the last three words, and left out feelings vs. actions. You do not act on feelings, you act on thinking. And in recovery, the recovering person may have a hard time distinguishing between ‘Feelings,’ and ‘Thinking.’ But let me straighten that out for you also: feeling is an emotion, and thinking is an opinion, idea, a thought. Now let’s end this recover with a paragraph that suits this book.

Make your recovery a positive experience, by doing so you will need to have gratitude, to whoever/whatever helped you on the way, be it your mother, God, your counselor, a camel, a duck or a carrot. It doesn’t matter. Gratitude is simply thankfulness. Plus you are saying: I didn’t do it alone, and now you are not alone, and shall never be alone again. Now I could go on endlessly with recovery information, but let me simply say it all boils down to success, and success in this area is simply managing your sobriety. Good luck.

Afterward

Well, we’re at the bottom of the book. I wasn’t going to write this third volume, until I found out there really weren’t any Aftercare books out there to speak of. So here is one, short and to the point. It is not a thick one; book that is, because I have only touched on the surface of what is needed. And it was not written for the Psychologist, or Doctor, yet it might help both of them. It was written for the recovering. As all three of my books were, or have been; --so, having said that, let me sum up this experience, this book:

Aftercare is an element of Primary Prevention, a part, component, I said, no more. It also is a part of, or piece of: Relapse Prevention. In addition to this, we are really dealing with—as I’ve mentioned before—‘The Continuing Care cycle,’ in which there should be an ongoing evaluation of your progress, and recommendations thereof, and objectives to go forward with. Aftercare should be more supportive than therapeutic, and to be quite honest, I really doubt you need a licensed or certified counselor to run the group, but if this is possible, so be it, and all the better for it, but surely not necessary. What you need to hear is alternatives for using. If I could not offer my clients something better than using, why stop, why would they want to stop? The process is growth. So read, meditate, do your inventory, talk to someone about your urges, get them hidden agendas out, get educated, go to lectures if need be. Get into a discussion group if need be, and use your affirmations. And make sure you give yourself a break—you deserve it.



About the Author’s Books

Poetry:

Recently the author has put together a second poetry book together, one that drapes all his poems under one banner: put into newspapers, anthologies, and books since his first volume of poetry published in l981, called, “The Other Door.” This second volume, “Sirens,” complements his first. And may be his only book of poetry ever to be produced again [2003].

The Tales of the Tiamat:

This is a trilogy, consisting of “The Tiamat, Mother of Demon,” the second book, “Gwyllion, Daughter of the Tiamat,” and the third, “Revenge of the Tiamat”. All three are full of adventures and travels by Sinned, the main character of the three novels, as is the Tiamat involved, yet we see many other antagonists along side of her. The series take you to Malta, Easter Island, ancient England, and Avalon, where the Tor was being built, Asia Minor, where Yort is, Sinned’s home, and a half dozen other places. In addition to the main three stories, the author has added a forth, short book to the series, called “The Tiamat and the King,” it is a good conclusion to the trilogy, and put into a forth book called, “Tales of the Tiamat.”

The Chick Even’s Sketches:

In this trilogy, we have sketches of life that incorporate the late 60’s to the early 70’s; the hippie generation, the new era, the awakening of Aquarius, the peace era, it has been called many things. In his sketches, his first book: “Romancing San Francisco [l968-69],” he introduces us to karate’s famous Yamaguchi family, to include Gosei, and his father Gogen “The Cat”; along with the famous Adolph Shuman, the once owner of the line of cloth Lilli Ann, along with other sketches. In the other two books: “A Romance in Augsburg,” and “Where the Birds Don’t Sing,” the sketches start where the first book left off, from l969 to l970 and to Vietnam in l971. Here you go to Europe for a Romance with a Jewish German girl, and on to Vietnam where there is a war going on. Mr. Evens will also end up in Sydney, for one week of some great adventures.

Short Story Collection [s]:

This is not a trilogy, rather three books, of which two are similar, that being of Suspense, “Death on Demand,” of which there are seven stories and “Dracula’s Ghost”, having nine; and the third book, being a mixture of short stories, called “Everyday’s An Adventure”.

Spiritual:

The Author has some strong religious and spiritual views. Having studied and done graduate work in theology, and missionary work in the mountains of Haiti, and being at an earlier age an Ordained Minister, his two books, “The Last Trumpet and the Woodbridge Demon,” being his first talk about experiences of the early eighties, where he had visions concerning end time events that are coming to pass right this very moment. In his second book, “Islam, In Search of Satan’s Rib,” he talks about the ongoing subject terrorism on America, and the world as a whole, but in a different manner; instead of trying to figure out the mind of the Islamic-Arab, he looks at the Islamic god, and concludes it is different than the Christian and Jewish God.

Addiction:

As of this writing [Oct, 2003], Mr. Siluk is still a licensed Counselor in good standing with the State of Minnesota. He has also held international licenses in Drugs and Alcohol, and has worked for hospitals and clinics in dual disorder facilities. In his book, “A Path to Sobriety, the Inside Passage,” the author has used his experience in the behavioral science and counseling skills in producing it, which is a common sense book on understanding alcoholism and addiction, an ultimate guide to substance abuse; and his 2nd book, “A Path to Relapse Prevention,” is a powerhouse for preventing relapse and curing the disease. In his third book, “Aftercare, a Path through it,” Mr. Siluk completes his three volumes with the supportive elements the recovering needs in his continuum of care.

Travels:

Mr. Siluk has travel, or has been traveling I should say for 37-years out of his 55 ½ years of his life to this date. He has traveled 25 ½ times around the world. And in most of his books you can see, feel and almost taste this [to be more exact, he has 613,000-air miles, not to include ground miles]. In his book, “Chasing the Sun,” he takes you to a variety of places, by showing you some 40-pictures, and giving you an overall view of his story on how he got started. Each picture has its own caption; furthermore, this book is a page turner, for a would be traveler, or one who would like to reminisce.

The Beast Books:

I wasn’t sure what to call these three next separated books, so I named them, “The Beast Books,” for in their own way, they all have their own beast. The first book being, “Mantic ore: Day of the Beasts,” which is the author’s favorite of the three, you step into the demonic underworld. A lot of him is in this book it seems. A touch of Vietnam, a touch of his home town, St. Paul, Minnesota, and invisible shadows that change shapes into animals and human forms; visions upon visions. In the second book, the “The Rape of Angelina of Glastonbury, 1199 AD, you are involved with a suspenseful story of revenge, and at the end of the book is a nice surprise, another story. And for the third beastly book, “Angelic renegades & Rephaim Giants,” you get just that, no more, no less. It is a book on the ancient dictators of the world, the ones who have cursed God, to have man worship them.

“The Mumbler:”

Which is a psychological thriller novel, I wasn’t sure where to put it in these brief descriptions of books, so it will have to be alone, as the character in the book is—right here.

Out of Print book:

For the curious reader; although they are out of print, the author has a few left in storage. “The Other Door,” was his first book published, in l981; a book on poetry. It is a Volume one, of which he is working on Volume two, yes, 22-years in the making. This book is so scarce that only 25-copies are left. Second, is the author’s book, “The Tale of: Willie the Humpback Whale,” which got much attention in the l982. Although it did not get a Pulitzer Prize, it was an entry, and considered. At present the author is considering a 4th printing, and revised edition. And the third book, “Two Modern Short Stories of Immigrant Life,” which is more of a chap book that came out in l984 as a trial run. Only 100-copies were printed, of which one of the stories were printed in the: “Little Peoples Press,” and then the book was pulled back for personal reasons and off the market by the author.

Visit my web site: http://dennissiluk.tripod.com you can also order the books directly by/on: www.amazon.com www.bn.com www.SciFan.com www.netstoreUSA.com along with any of your notable book dealers.

A Path to Sobriety [Volume I/in English]

2006-07-07T18:50:00.000-07:00

A Common Sense Book on Understanding Alcoholism and Addiction

A Path to Sobriety
The Inside Passage

A New Concept for Understanding Addiction

“Quantum-Dependency”

By Dennis L. Siluk

Copyright January, 2003
All Rights Reserved

First Edition

Picture of the author on back cover, he is out
Four-miles on the Mendenhall Glacier, Alaska
At a point where it is 400-feet thick 7/2000

Books by the Author

Out of Print Books

The other door: Poetic Exhortations
The Tale of: Willie the Humpback Whale
The Safe Child/The Unsafe Child

◊

Books in Print

The Last Trumpet and the Woodbridge Demon
Angelic Renegades & Rephaim Giants
Mantic ore: Day of the Beasts

Tiamat, Mother of Demon
Gwyllion, Daughter of the Tiamat
Revenge of the Tiamat [in Spanish & English]

Everyday’s An Adventure
Chasing the Sun
Islam, In Search of Satan’s Rib
The Rape of Angelina of Glastonbury 1199 AD

A Path to Sobriety: The Inside Passage

◊

Forthcoming Books:

The Untold Story: Shamhat and
Gilgamesh: Demigod King of Uruk

Facing East
[A European Romance]

http://dennissiluk.tripod.com

The Artist

I would also like to thank Max A. Urteaga Alcalde, for the art work, the painting “The World and Myself,” [“El Mundo y Mi Yo”], on the cover of my book or should I say this book. It is the only painting of its kind, original, no other copies or prints have been made to this printing. Credit is given to the artist, for a job well done. Max lives in Lima, Peru, in the San Juan de Miraflores area; permission for his painting to be used was given on February 24, 2002. This author bought the painting with these stipulations.

Dedicated:

To the recovering people, to include the loved ones of the recovering for they have suffered the worse; and my wife Rosa.

Index:

1. Introduction to: “Path to Sobriety”
2. Chapter one: The Inside passage
3. Chapter two: It Came and Never Left
4. Chapter Three: Where we going, Where we been
5. Chapter Four: Behavior, Beliefs, and Disease
6. Chapter Five: Prevention, Stages and the Disease
*Quantum-Dependency [QD]
7. Chapter Six: Time, Patience, Behavior Modification, Healing
8. Summary and Conclusion: Smoking Cigarettes, Alcoholism,
Tolerance, Drugs and Eating Disorders
9. Note/Afterward
10. The Poem: “The Last Drink”
Annexes:

1. Two Articles on Chemical Dependency by D.L. Siluk
2. A short Story called, “A Woman in Pain” by dlsiluk *Note: the story was taken out at the last minute, prior to publication, simply because this is a book on recovery, and prevention for the most part, and the author’s story “A Woman in Pain,” that went for review by the Nimrod Award Committee could bring back bad memories [PTS], and it could be counter productive he felt.

A Path to Sobriety

Introduction

◊

When I added to the book the name: “The Inside Passage,” which I assumed it would be something as a sub-title; and what I meant was the subject has a long path, a long strait to it; flow of water, like the Inside Passage in Alaska. And the subject does. I guess somehow we all seem to run down this long passage way; the addiction way that is. Sometimes it is Alcoholism and sometimes drugs. And we can add food addiction [eating disorder], gambling [a compulsive disorder], and sex [an obsession], to mention the most prevalent that come to mind, and cigarette smoking. And maybe some people are lucky and never have to face this dilemma.
With all these addictions, we people that are addicted, end up planning out a life time of avoiding, dodging and slowly dying before our time. I do not want to start this book out with pointing my finger at anyone, or thing. If you have one of these disorders, you know what I’m talking about when people say, “Just quite,” if we could we would have. But we do things for certain results; and once caught in the web it is not so easy getting out of it, as the spider comes closer and closer.
We do not slowly destroy ourselves because we want to, but because we feel we have to, and yes, again it gives us something, otherwise we would never have started the damn addiction.
Having said that let me connect it to the following, for this fellow called Lucifer, or Satan, has played a wild card and won, it is called persuasion. Oh yes, you know the old story, he did it in the Garden of Eden, you know, tempting Eve with the apple. Some people have said it was a pear; I think they simply wanted to argue, not get down to business. Well he is still around. He believes in: get the person on some kind of kick, gig, you might say, and his system will do the rest of the work; and he is right, it works.
It reminds me when I was working at a freestanding facility, dealing with dual-disorder clients. Sometimes when they came in with depression and alcohol problems, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, they’d leave the facility 30-days later smoking 3-packs, but the curse of alcohol was gone, or drugs. But you see, why do we not plant other seeds at the very same time they come through the doors, us counselors that is, we need to change, I did, and when they arrived, I told them they better not leave with a worse smoking habit than when they came here. It is counter productive.

God

Well, I have not touched much on God in this introduction, or have I much in the whole book, but He plays a big part in the whole operation of things, in this world of addiction that is. Go to AA once and you’ll find out. I did for three years every other day, and then I paced it to once a week, then to once a month, etc. And when you learn about the 12-steps, yes those famous 12-steps, they are real, and to some people powerful. There you will find God hanging out in the first three steps we call the “Control” steps. Control because addictive people like power and control, that is why they envy so much, and have so much jealousy inside of them. And the next several steps they call the “Action,” steps. You got to do something, make some movements, and the last three steps deal with maintenance, kind of like prevention, like keeping the house fixed up.
If you have a loved one who is not working the steps and is trying to recover, and has stopped his addictive patterns, and is saying to you, “Look, I’m a different man, I don’t use anymore.” And you say, “Yup, he is right, he has stopped using, but he sounds the same.” Now what do you suppose could be the problem now. It is called a dry drunk. Meaning, he took care of the first three steps in the 12-step program and found his higher power most likely, but did not work the action steps, got a little lazy did he? Yup, they are the ones that modify your undesirable behavior. That is why your man or woman is slumped over a chair, watching T.V. saying “What the fucks up now.”
My introductions are more like essays I suppose, but hang in there we’ll get to the end. So let us carry on. As I said in the beginning, or meant, God is a kind of science fiction thing to some people, meaning He is simply not there. But believe what you will, in my mind He is, and He is so kind, He is willing to help you even if you do not believe in Him. So if you want a door handle to be your higher power, or God so be it; but you can not be God, or your own higher power, that is forbidden and that is why you are or we’re still using. A higher power is simply someone bigger than you. So s/he can help you make it through the night [along with finding a friend, or sponsor to talk to]. If we had more friends to talk with, we’d need fewer psychotherapists, and counselors.
The saying “No man is an island,” will help you heal and deal with these first three god-steps, for it will make you reach out to other people so they can help you. We are simply human beings, no more, no less. Not islands isolated in never-never-land. As for being humans we have needs, and some times get them mixed up with wants; let me explain, needs are different than wants. I want a Cadillac, but need a car for work. So let’s work with the needs in this book.
One need is food, nourishment to regenerate ourselves. So eat wisely if you plan on healing right. And the reason I am saying this is because to heal from any addiction, we need a balanced life in these areas I’m going to try and explain. You eat because you are hungry, or at least that is what you should be doing, you do not eat because you are bored, if you do, you are putting too much into your system. This is not good physically or mentally. It will cause damage. In a like manner, we are social creatures and need social activity to keep a good balance in our basic ongoing life, that is, other people. And let me go on and say, we need to stimulate our minds, this can be done by prayer, or lectures, or simply reading, we can call this psychological stimulation. And then we have spirituality. We are creatures that need a God. It is imprinted on our genes; otherwise we wouldn’t be talking about Him so much, or looking for Him all the time, or for that matter, denying his existence so often.
If we get one need without the other, we are not a complete human being and we start looking for addictions; fill that void. We are like people carrying around a black hole in our pockets, and when we do not keep this balance I’m talking about, it starts to suck us in; like a black hole in the universe, sucking in all the waste of the universe as it slowing destroys the system. If you are lacking something, simply look behind you and you will find something you forgot to do; physically, psychologically, socially, or spiritually.
Life can be simple, alcoholics and drug addicts do not do know this that is why they make life tougher than it is. Drug addicts do not grow old, oh no, they die before that. We live in a complex world, with simple needs, and we seem not to have enough time to take care of these needs. Why? Because we are too busy taking care of our wants. Sing your own song your own way, but feed your body, mind and inner being what it needs, not what you want, first.

Ω

This book is not being written for the professional unless s/or he needs a reminder in the basic ongoing dilemma of the addiction world. It is being written as a hand-book for those who know very little about this field. A support book if you will, for the inflicted. It will take you inside the world of addictions that is all it will do. Research into any of the areas within this book is what you will need to do if you spot something that catches your eye and want to follow up on it, and you need or want to learn more about whatever it is you are looking for. You know the old saying, people say, “Wait, wait, I…yaw, I got it…!”, and then you turn the next page to see if the author has written more on this. Well, I didn’t write any more so don’t turn the pages looking for more.

I have 20-years of sobriety. And during my life I used for 22. I have been a counselor for 14-years, and in the helping field off and on for 30-years. I have two degrees, and license in this field. But I’ve learned in life, it really doesn’t matter how much you got, or know, until you show how much you care. And so if you are suffering because of an addiction, I empathize with you. It is a hell of a life you are living. People who do not fall into this addiction category will most likely not understand you, what you are going through, do not try and explain it to them, it is like throwing money into the wishing well, it will do little good. Just go for the action part, take care of yourself; show them, no need to tell them, seeing is believing. Unless you are using people so they will feel sorry for you, and you know very well, we do that don’t we? Or if we think it will help us get another drink, or fix, we use people. But we simply need to make a plan, a program of sorts, follow it, ask for help, and get the hell out of this Satanic-entangled web we found ourselves in. Now let’s get into the guts of the book.

1

The Inside
Passage

People have been looking at this thing called alcoholism ever since Noah planted his first wine vineyard some 6000-year ago. And I suppose they will continue to until they find his ark, and thereafter. The effects of alcohol, and for that matter drugs, provoke way beyond the measures you may think. Did you know many of the rapist and killers were in heavy use of alcohol and drugs when committing their crimes, to include Ted Bundy. Many Russian leaders were well known for their intoxication while making international decisions that would or could affect the whole world. Over two thirds of the US drinks; we could ask the question what for, and we’d get a mouthful of different answers. And most would say, “What’s the big deal.” Meaning, it is not a big thing to have a few. Some would say I need it to help me sleep; or a few after work with the boys, or at the football game, I mean that’s just how it is, they’d say. How about at the boxing matches, you’d get the same response I’m afraid, “It’s the way things are”.
I have worked in the field of addiction-counseling, along with dual disorders for close to 15-years. With all sorts of groups, such as, inmates, inpatient care, outpatient care. DWI programs for the state trying to screen and evaluate if this or that person should be allowed to drive a car again. On one occasion, I had a client who had 13-DWI’s and was wondering, or should I say, hoping to get his license back; unbelievable.
I have counseled a number of inmates who have killed people because of drunk driving. Are you aware that you can get more time in prison for selling pot than killing someone while driving drunk. Well, it is very true.
I have learned in my field, and I believe, that the best way to help someone to recover for an addiction is to use “Whatever it takes.” And that goes for sex-addiction, gambling [in which I’m also certified], food disorders, etc.
Some drunks, come to me and having heard about the “Control,” concept [or model], want to try and sober up according to that. For the most part, it is allowing the client to drink a certain amount per week, for example, 12-drinks a week, at no more than three setting, and having no more than 4-drinks per setting. In most cases this does not work, it only irritates both the counselor and the client. But for those who are not addicted and have gone through a hard time, and started drinking with seeing no end in sight, and before their body gets too accustom to it, try this, and it may work. Often times these people make it through the divorce or whatever issue is pending and slide back into reality.
It is like when I was in Vietnam. Most of the people there in my Company were either on some kind of dope, [like heroin or pot] or on alcohol [beer, whisky or wine]. The media hyped it up to show the world all we had in Vietnam was a bunch of young kids on drugs, and that when they came home, they brought with them the alcohol and drug disease into their environment. When in reality, after close review, the majority went right back to their old ways, which was casual chemical use; minus the 8% severe alcoholics; and the drug addicts. Matter of fact, the American drug usage now is higher than it was back then, and I see the media has given up on blaming the military service for it.
I say, “Whatever works,” because if you have ever gone down the Alaskan Inside Passage [the Steven Strait], you would use whatever it took to make it to your destination. And that was always my concept for my client. I believe the counselor must be genuine to be able to do his job. No client cares how much you know, or have, until you show how much you really care. And like a dog, or child, or horse, they know when you are lying. They can sense it throughout their bones. So don’t try to fool them, their professional users.

Choices

As we get deeper into the alcoholic, drug and addiction scene, his thinking and behavior, we have to look at but choices are at the top. He or she surely made some bad ones, people would say. But in most cases they made simply choices they didn’t know had such startling ramifications. It is fair to say, I doubt they would have made them had they the knowledge they had later on in life. But we are not born with this knowledge, it has to be learned.
Choices come in three dimensions: rules, results and responsibilities. As I look back I say to myself, I didn’t know the rules, nor what the results would be, and I was really too young and wild to see responsibilities. I was like most young people when I started my usage. But let’s not get side tracked. I made choices none the less. I have learned now that my results to use never made other people happy. I never played fair, so if there were rules, I could have cared less, especially after drinking for a long period of time. It is what drugs and alcohol does to a person, makes them choices evaporate.
Like standing in front of a train you need to make a decision to move. And you say, I’ll think about it. Well my friend, the train is coming, and you have made a choice, and the choice is to stand and get hit. That was my decision, my choice, I got hit by the train, and maybe you did, but I got off the tracks, how about you?
I have learned now to ask myself if my choices will hurt anyone. If so, maybe I should rethink them. Also, can I go public with my decision, my choices, if not, maybe I should review it. Also does my choice or decisions, support my pledge, my promise to other persons? This comes of course under trusting, or put another way responsibility.

And so as I have gotten into the counseling business, being licensed in the State of Minnesota, and through an International Certification board, with 20-years sobriety now or was it 19, I have leaned that same old things, behaviors, I just keep repeating, and so I keep working on them when they pop back up, and say to myself, “Whatever it takes, that is what I need to do”. And that is what you must do if you are a drunk, or addict. Or for that matter have any kind of an addiction.
If you are the one trying to learn about us drunks, keep reading; it never stops, but there is hope. We have to look at the nature of the beast before we do our planning. I used more alcohol than I did drugs, but I have hands on experience in both genders. And remember when you plan, follow through, for better or worse. I say this in particular to the co-dependent, more so than the addicted. You see, you are most likely sicker than the user. If you are saying, “What!” or “Why,” well, it goes something like this. Why would a healthy person stay with an unhealthy person? Usually they are like two peas in a pot. If you have been living with a user and you are not one, you are sick. Normally, the healthy stay with the healthy, and the sick with the sick, at least in this area of concentration.

Co-dependent

I do not want to get too much into this co-dependent concept, or theory. It has been stretched out, and I mean wwwwwwwwway out of proportion. Co-dependency is simply a person who is considered to have no life of his or her own. That is to say, every time you go around that person they talk about their mate. Not that this is bad in itself, for a sidekick-marriage it is good, and when there is no substance abuse going on, but it is a bad thing when the sidekick is in another world. You see, s/he is in a world of shadows, fog if you will. And you are not.
In essence, you are care-taking him most likely. You know, doing for him what he should be doing for himself; enabling him to use more. Enabling is another term used in the field of Chemical Dependency. Let me explain briefly. It means you are providing the means for him to use. Put another way, you are giving him money to get drunk, or buy his pot, or find his drugs. Don’t get scared with these terms, they are not written in stone. And when I explain them, it is the way I see them.
A co-dependent person will not talk about themselves usually, for they have no self-identity. Harshly but sadly true. They are sicker than the user, for their mental state is not drug induced but rather psychologically impaired.

Let me end this area with a short story. It is a true story, and I call it the Old Man and his Catch-Up Drinking. It has a little to do with the drinker and the co-dependent, and me. When I was in Alabama, while in the Army in the late 70’s, I asked a neighbor the question, “Who lived in the house next to me,” for at the time I was there it was a young couple, and their friends wanted to buy my house, I was being reassigned to Italy.
Well they told me it was an old man who died. They said he and his wife lived there raising their two kids. That he was a heavy drinker, and she threatened to leave him if he didn’t stop drinking. Well, to save the marriage he stopped, but was always angry thereafter, quite bitter. And then one day, his children left, and it was just him and his wife. He was now 62-years old. At this time his wife had gotten ill somehow, and she passed away. He then told his neighbors he had never wanted to stop drinking in the first place, and that he had waited 12-years for this day. And so he started drinking again.
Well, he drank, and drank and drank. Matter-of-fact he made up for lost time, and drank so much he died three years later.

Now you might be saying he was an old man anyways. Well, in the 70’s life expectancy were around 74 to 83 for men. My grandpa died in l974 at age 83. So I would guess statistics are pretty right. Take seven years off for stress, seven for drinking, seven for smoking, and so on. So if life for him was suppose to be, let’s say, 74, and he died at 65, he died 9-years early. And if it was 83, like my grand-pa, he died l8-years early. You see we really do not get away with much on this earth.

Now let me tell you my story. I stopped drinking to save my marriage. I didn’t stop for me, and this story about the old man didn’t help me much at the time even though I knew it; and when I quite for one year, my wife still left me for another man. Well, I said hell with it, I can’t win. So I started drinking, and believe me I made up for lost time. It is true what the AA people say, that when you quite and start up again, you make up for lost time. I drank three times as much as I did prior to my 1-year sobriety. In the over 20-years I drank, I never lost a job, and always paid my bills; but this time I lost everything, and I mean everything; job, car, etc. If it wasn’t for the kindness of my mother, whom gave me her back bedroom to sleep in, I would have ended up on the street; and most likely not writing this book.
Yes, I’ve come a long way, but it’s just part of the journey we all have to take in life. Go in your bedroom, get on your knees, tell God what he did for me he can do for you; all you need is a little faith, like a mustard seed, and the will to want to stop.

End of the Passage

And so you see the Inside Passage has many turns, and we are just getting started. Whoever you are, a person recovering either from drugs, alcohol, or co-dependent, and let me add sex addiction again, and gambling and eating disorders, what you dwell on is what you move on. Set goals and dwell on them, and move on them. Move toward your reward, freedom. What you see is what you get. And how you feel is how you are. Life can be simply, or complex. It is your choice. A winner feels like a winner. Make a decision, and make the dream come true. Get off the train track before the train hits you. Life is short at best, I’m sure you heard that before, but it is true.
Cause and effect, it works. Visualization, dream it and make it come true. Like yourself, and other people will start liking you. Self-worth is positive, so smile; it takes less facial muscles than a frown.

2

It Came and Never
Left

Chemical Dependency or alcoholism and drug addiction can have many colors to it, meaning, it just doesn’t stop after you get the pleasure you’re after; like gambling, you end up chasing it [so many similarities]. Oh yes, drugs and alcohol are not the happy pill you think they are, or expected they were, right? If you don’t know it now, you will need a little more pain to adjust your thinking, and in that world, there is a lot waiting. But they did give you something; otherwise you would not be on them. It is called instant pleasure that is different than happiness though. Happiness is a byproduct. And so many people call this high, a happy high; that my friend is bullshit. For example, you buy your child some candy frost at the fair, he or she smiles. That is happiness, and that is the byproduct. Now you get drunk, or you take the drugs and get high, what did you get? Was it that smile from your child, I don’t think so. But you did get something. And for that, you gave up the child’s smile, it is called instant pleasure. Suck it up because it doesn’t last long, and it knows you will be back for more.
We all have to pay our dues don’t we. We miss a few years of our children’s lives because of alcoholism, drug addiction, gamboling, and obsession to sex. But remember that is not the unpardonable sin. You can draw a line in the sand, and not look back. It is all you can do when it is all said and done. If you want to carry guilt and shame around the rest of your life, you can, it is again, a choice, a decision, like love. And if that is your choice and you’re reading this book, put it down and go get fucked up, you need some more pain my friend. And you will find it. And when you’ve had enough, come back and read the rest of the chapter, or book.

Let me tell you a quick story of a friend of mine who went to counseling school with me. His addiction was sex. Now I know you guys out there are saying, “That’s just normal.” No it isn’t, especially when you’re married, and having it in car, and movie theaters, and behind grocery stories, and in your bedroom when the wife is gone, and that is just in one day. Now you wake up in the morning and go for day two. Yes, you get the picture, it doesn’t stop. And you got to have money, and planning, and Lord knows what else. My friend could tell you the facts on who would and who wouldn’t go to bed with you in a matter of minutes; or at least let you know what your odds were.
It destroyed his marriage [trust], and that is when you know it is bad. Sex is good, and that is what God intended it to be, but when it is simply a compulsive reaction for a quick high, relief, pleasure, and you have a wife at home, why destroy a family. Again, it is part of the addiction cycle, which destroys everything in its path. You say it is my life, let me do with it as you please. I suppose we have to, but let me add, you infect all the people around you in one way or another, unless some one can pick you up by helicopter and drop you off in the middle of the Arctic and you have no one around you to infect but them big white bears, and I’ve been in the Arctic, they are bbbbbbbbig.

†

We will talk later on the Medical Model, where alcoholism is viewed as a disease, and here and there we will look at the Psychosocial Model, where alcoholism treatment emphasis is on resolving psychosocial problems, and positive coping strategies. And one can look at AA, or group participation and psychotherapy to help them, which for the most is stating what I am stating, to heal you must “Let go” and “Take Hold.” Psychotherapy can involve behavioral models such as classical and operant conditioning, family therapy; as I said whatever works. But at the end of the road, it is simple, let go and take hold, remember that, a psychotherapist will charge you a lot of sessions which will cost a lot of money to learn that simple saying. But if you need one, find one remember also what I said, “Whatever it takes.”

In this chapter the alcoholic is an alcoholic as is the drug addict. For some reason they, you and I got hooked. It came and it stayed with us. And now we need to look at it, conquer it. Get rid of it. To the onlooker, the person not addicted, I’m not sure what you’re doing here, but as long as you’re staying make sure at the end of the road you save yourself; for you’re no good to anyone being unhealthy, if you got one of us in your life. Remember healthy people are around healthy people, when the day is done, that is. Having said that, let’s look at how we got here, our disorders. I do not want to oversimplify anything, but on the other hand I do not want this book to be a hard read. And so please bear with me if I forget to explain a term here or there.

Who me?

It didn’t happen over night my friend, just simply look back. Actually that is a good way to find out where your depression came from, if you have a dual disorder, like depression, anxiety, manic [or bipolar], etc. No one started out to be an alcoholic or drug addict one day. You know what I mean, no one woke up and said one morning, “Lets see how this all works, and I’ll be an alcoholic, it sounds like I’ll get a lot of sympathy.” No that is not how it works.
Once I was asked to give a lecture on the Disease Concept to a group of individuals who felt for the most part, alcoholics were simply weak minded people not wanting to quite, I call them non-believers in the Disease Concept. You know those kind, especially if you are an alcoholic, or for that matter, chemically dependent. The concept goes something like this. They all say you have a weak mind, when it is a weak system. Most Alcoholics are high energy people, with over average intelligence. Many were rich at one time, but lost it to their addiction. So don’t tell me that crap, they had a weak mind what it really is, is a way for the other person to deal with something they do not want to deal with, and the sad part is every one there at the lecture hall I bit knew someone in their family who in someway was dealing with this disease; you know why, let me tell you, they were like atheist, you know, the ones that say they do not believe in God, yet they all talk about Him and got their thesis ready on the subject. If there was a disorder called ignorance, they had it. But I will not be too hard on them. Their system is different than ours.
It is hard to tell a 15-year old not to drink because of what might happen, that is just like trying to tell an adult the disease concept. We are not all made the same if we were we’d be robots.
For alcoholics your body takes a different route than most peoples do, and IT acquires a liking for the substance, name it alcohol. And so the body changes over. I will explain this concept in more detail later, but again for the non-addicted, it will do little good, I’ve tried it a hundred times only to look at your faces and get the big eyebrow in the air as if I’m talking horseshit, so don’t read that part but for the sake of this paragraph let me say, when it changes over, you become what it makes of you.
Like a deer. If you kill one that ate corn or eats corn on a daily diet, it will taste different from the one you may kill in the woods who has eaten from the wild. What I am saying is the body actually changes over. Every hunter knows this, and if he doesn’t, you’ve been in your hut too long, or you are still up in the tree. What you put into your body makes a difference. Anyways, the fact being, no one started out being an alcoholic, and you just didn’t become one over night. Your system changes over time. Out of the US population, about 8% of the 70% that use alcohol are chronic users. Out of that about 3% will get treatment and out of that about 60% [1.7%] will be saved from the chemicals deadly death.
Four out of five people in prison, their crimes were drug or alcohol related. That is to say, either they were using, or selling at the time of the crime. When I started working with inmates, the prison population was around 900,000 [State and Federal]; at the end of the seven year period, it was over 2-million. At about $45,000 per year to keep an inmate in prison, we are spending a lot of money. Use it for the war on terrorism, save the tax payer. What is a crime today was not yesterday, that is in the l960’s when I lived in San Francisco, everyone was smoking pot in the parks freely. Matter-of- fact, many medical journals advocated its use, as do many ads’ advocate the used of alcohol. But we do not need to point fingers at people, or the law enforcement industry that are just doing their job, or for that matter, the government. What we need to do is give the person in need help. Talk to our legislatures, change some laws.
We give the poor food, why not the addicted help. We feed over 400,000-million people from starving in other countries a year. And put our people in prison who need help. Give him tools to learn by, that is what he needs; he has had enough punishment, give him help. Pretty soon we will have more people in prison than paying taxes. We pay for the kids to have swimming pools at schools, why can’t we pay to have the addicted re-programmed.
When I worked with the prison population a few of my comrades used to say, I gave too much understanding, empathy to the addicted, compared to the uninflected; being a counselor and a Case Manager. They were right, it was like they hired a qualified counselor, and didn’t know what for, but where they were wrong was, they didn’t understand, and I didn’t expect them to. And so the smirks and tiring looks came.
Matter-of-fact, I started to give my recovering clients one-hour walking breaks, while in a half-way house. This was so they could cool off, get their composure back together. I did this as a counselor not Case Manager, and to my clients, not to my other caseload. Well, one of the Case Managers got the ass, and during a meeting exposed my already exposed “Little Walks,” I’d been giving away. Well, you know how such things go, most everyone jumped on her bandwagon, and since I gave them to my clients, now everyone had the right to have them. It just simply reinforces the fact, they didn’t understand what the hell it was all about, and we really can’t expect much more. That is why Christians go to Church, Muslims to a Mosque and Jews to a Synagogue. We are all in different worlds and every so often need to get back with our own kind for a breath of fresh air.
There is always one goofball in every meeting or among the chosen to lead in such facilities, or have influence. We had a few in ours, although it made life interesting, it waited time also. While they were sitting shooting the shit with dirty jokes in one of the main offices, the new arriving clientele were looking on wondering who the inmates were and who the Case Managers were,--yup, they couldn’t tell the difference.
And when I didn’t join them, I became the outcast, although it felt good, I never did like listening to jokes that made no sense, and pretending to laugh. They are probably still sitting there right now doing the same old thing, just like my old friends from my old neighborhood bar, both on highs. In the bar scene they are still drinking in the same old two bars across from one another in St. Paul, Minnesota. Get the hell out of there before you die laughing over you stricken beer.

Love

Does not love come into every picture, I’m not saying pitcher, meaning pitcher of beer? Yes it does, and to the alcoholic and drug addict, it shows up in funny places [also in that pitcher of beer]. But as an addicted person do you really think you can love? I mean really love. Something tells me you love the drug, the alcohol more than you love yourself or God, wife, and children; matter of fact, that drink is your god. Do we not give to the most valued in our lives; if it is chemicals we are giving to then it is the most valued, right? It is just common sense. What we love and cherish the most is where we are, what we give to, in most cases that is what we love.
To everything there is an exception, I am speaking to the perfectionist now. You see they like to catch me in generalizations, deletions or for that matter, a distortion or two. People with addictions often are perfectionist. But you need not be perfect my friend, only Christ was, and you are not Him. And if you are Jew or Muslim, take no offence we can use Allah, or Jehovah, they are the only ones perfect.
Know, having said that, let’s go on. I was trying to say, love comes to addicts and alcoholics differently. The alcoholic loves the bottle of beer. You know how you can tell, just look at how he holds that bottle, -- tight, around its fatter center, or its upper phallic elements. He drinks it down like there is no tomorrow. He is caressing it, loving it, making love to it. No, he is not making love to you he most likely can not get an erection. He is not looking at you at all, or even thinking about fucking you, he is only thinking about drinking and making love to the bottle.
You can not split love like you can a turkey. It is like counseling. Some people have asked me why I do not take notes when I’m counseling. Well, there is a good reason, it takes 10% of my time, and I can’t give the client 100% then. In a like manner, you can not give your family 100% when you are using. You have to share your life with God, family, the job, and so on. And what are you actually doing, drinking and using drugs 20%, 40%, 60% of your waking hours? Sleeping on the weekends your life away; or is it now 100% using and sleeping? That is where your love is. You figure out the percentage. I do not believe that is the unpardonable sin, but it is close to it.
Elvis, to my understanding was heavy on prescription drugs towards the end of his life, his way to survive; as was Johnny Cash on his assorted drugs, and Rick Nelson, along with Betty Ford, and Billy Cater, Paul Williams, Janis Joplin, and I could go on and on but the famous get it just as we do. There are no favorites when it comes to addiction. Satan has been using addiction for a long time to paralyze and make useless his prey.
You get the disease slowly, just like cooking a frog alive. Slowly you turn up the heat on a boiling pan full of water with a frog in it, and he will not even know he is being boiled alive. You are most likely that frog if you are having flash backs right now. Get out of the pot my friend, it’s boiling. I will try to get into behavior modification later, but you will not last long once the heat is up.
I once had a friend who died, actually two; their bodies were all bloated like a balloon. No psychology to that, just pure fact. You destroy your insides, your liver, among other internal organs. In addition, strokes, heart attacks, broken bones from falling all over the place seem to follow drunks; you body falls apart slowly.
Have you ever heard of a water brain? That also comes along with using alcohol. In my world it means what it says, after a while you are dumber than shit. You are like a fish looking out of a boil, while others are looking in. Your brain is fried in water.
But what I remember off the top of my head, and what I do believe in is simple, you get rid of the undesirable, unwanted behavior, and become the person you want to become. If you can visualize this person, you can become him or her. I know, it’s close to over simplification, but it works.

Alcohol Cycle

Let’s look at the alcohol cycle. It is not complex; it is simply a big circle “O”, something like that.

Now let’s put three elements into it; anger on top, control on the left hand side and alcohol on the right hand side. And we go around and around, from drinking, to control [sex, family], to anger, and back to drinking. Did you like the ride, that’s it?
That is as far as the train will take you, but you will end up going in circles all day. That’s the main part of the game, the cycle. Using alcoholics and drug addicts like to play this game, and if you’re a family member watching, how do you like the circle, because you are going around and around without using.

Hope

The way I’ve been talking, you’d think there was no hope out there. But there is. In Short, alcoholism is a disease. And the issue is not how one deals with problematic drinking or for that matter drug use, but rather how one copes with sobriety, the key to remission.
The disease is outside of our control, but we are accountable for keeping it in remission oh yes, we got responsibility. In know, -- you want freedom without responsibility, I’m afraid not, not in this life time I’m anyways. Get off your dead ass and look at the tax laws, you pay or you go under. That is how the world goes around. Like it or not. And so you must look at the responsibility vs. sobriety consequences. And again, make a decision, a choice, the train is coming.

3

Where we Going
Where we Been

Oh what a question. “Where we going, where we been.” We all got a hardship story to tell, and that is the truth of it. We all could write a book. But that will not heal you; no, not the shame anyways; because the road less taken was given to us. It comes with the territory; shame, guilt. What is the damn difference? I think guilt says, I’m guilty, then, you say you’re sorry [not sorry for being caught, but sorry for being bad]; anyways, when you do this, you can go on with life. But shame is a little different; it sticks with you like glue. It is in your fiber, you blood. It makes you say, “What is wrong with me”. Yes, it works on the image of you. The one you have for yourself.
Shame is usually given to us. We get it from some place, someone; maybe childhood, while at school from a teacher because we are slower than the average student. Or we may get it from our parents who have too high of expectations for us. Or we may get it at church. You know, the unpardonable sin again just happens to be everything we do. Wherever we got it from, and whoever gave it to us, we got it. And during our career of chemical usage, it has done us no good. Matter-of-fact, it has caused us to not celebrate life.
One of my clients in a freestanding facility with a dual disorder told another one of my clients he was foolish to have such a thing cause him shame. That made the other person look down to the floor, for the one client hit him right where it hurts, he didn’t have a right to have shame, or feel that way. I stepped in and said, “If I were to tell your friend, whom is one of my clients, your shame, he’d most likely tell you the very same thing you are telling him.” The first client looked at the other one, not sure what to say, and actually said nothing, but the second client’s head started coming up with a victory sign all over it. I walked away, I did not want to gloat or to be quite honest, I just wanted all of this to absorb into the client. As I said in the beginning of the book, clients know when you are sincere or not, they are no dummies.
Now there are many books on shame, and like co-dependency, we can operate from different angles, and many people have different concepts. My way of thinking is to simplify things, if not for you for me. It is the way I learn, teach and preach; having said that, there is something out there called good shame.
Woops, did I say that. Yes, as long as it does not overwhelm or become excessive. For example, if I was to moon you [show my ass in public]; I should have some shame running up and down my legs. If I didn’t you best find me a counselor quick. Matter-of-fact, let me quickly say I did go to counseling for 9-months when I found sobriety. To AA for a number of years thereafter and when working in this field, I often go to my higher ups for mind-bending, or call it to get it out [processing my thoughts and issues]. Yes, counselors whom want to remain counseling need an escape. And I use whatever works, and legal.
One time a client tried to get me into an argument about the rights and wrongs of drug usage. That he had a right to use. I guess I couldn’t fight him, but what I simply said is, “If I wanted to use something illegal so bad, I’d go where it was legal.” In this case it was pot. I suggested he go to Amsterdam. That broke resistance for awhile, but I find some people come to treatment just to get their anger out, which is not bad in itself, but it should not be so displaced. Sorting out things is one thing, and directing it in the wrong direction is another. We will look at shame later.

Where are We

If you’re the onlooker, the one married to the alcoholic, or the drug addict, or gambler, you may be saying, or have said, “Did I marry the right guy?” For the sake of argument, let me add, “Did I marry the right person?” Well, marriage magnifies problems not the opposite. Sometimes we meet our mates by luck, and some times by providence. My recommendations are get it all out first. Men value often times position, not necessary character. Women should remember that. If it is out of balance, listen to what is being said, listen to your intuition. If he doesn’t remain the real person you think he is, he is pretending. Guys say often, or think it, and say nothing; I will become whatever she wants a man to be to get into her pants.
In the long run, women need appreciation, men respect. Take those two items away; you got shit for a marriage. If you’re going to be going to ten meetings a week and you are a woman, you do not have a marriage, you got a partnership. Two people can not be mad at the same time, try it, it will not resolve the issues. We like to ambush one another during our fighting, you know, throw out the things that we know that hurt. I find that if your mate is using the secrets you have told him or she to win the fight, that person does not care about you but about winning.
Before you marry, you got to see if there is violence here. Can we talk? After you get married it goes a little different. Have you sought counseling? How much is the divorce going to cost. I find in many cases people are married to the wrong person, but that is still alright, it all depends what you want... If it is a daily piece of ass, it is simple, get it down the street, it will cost you less in the long run. If it is a daily piece of ass with passion, and really now-a-days, women do not need men, only for emotional support, you can also find that on the shelves.
Anyone can find a wife, but try and find a sidekick, a partner, a person who will fit into your fairytale. Oh yes, it is still out there. It is simply you do not want to wait. And so you end up with the quicken drunk. If for some odd reason he became that way after you married him, you may want to get out of it quick instead of living 10-years in a self-imposed prison. I have found out in life when you violate your values, you have a hard time sleeping. And one normally does if he or she marries one with different values. And just what are values.

Values

When I was doing a lecture at Ramsey Hospital, in St. Paul, many years ago, to a group of about 40-people, one stood up and asked me what my values were. I responded by saying, “It shouldn’t really matter what mine are, because you do not necessary have to live by or with them, but it should matter what you are.” He didn’t quite get the full idea [unless he knew his values where shitty], but I did go on to explain, we may have different values. I value quiet time, my third wife valued being with people more. I valued travel for an assortment of different reasons some people value staying home and saving the money, giving it to the kids for college. Some people value a wife that is gone more, and still others do not really want a wife, rather a partner. Different strokes for different folks. The lucky person will know what he wants and needs, and not go for the other. You know the pretty blond or red head.
At 52-years old I told myself and God, I was done with looking for the right woman. She didn’t exist. Then I got thinking, about an article I read that in this big world there are on the average between 1 to 3 mates that would actually fit you perfect. Well I was married three times at this point, and divorced three times. I used my silver supply up. No more looking and no more wishing. Just business and travel, plus, it took too much time to date I felt. Plus, all the gobbelgook about love at first sight was a fairytale at best.
Well, now at 55, I have to eat my words. I found my fairytale wife, Rosa. But I gave it to God [like when I sobered up] this time saying, “If you want me to have a wife, sidekick, so be it, but I’m done looking.” You know when you simply let go, and go forward, give it to Him, duck, and things start happening. When I got married I told the judge in the ceremony to say, or add, sidekick to my vows. And he did. My friend Diane said to me as we walked out of the court room, “Dennis, I liked that sidekick thing the judge said, you know, anyone can have a wife, but a sidekick,” she then smiled. We have been friends for 16-year. And her advice has always been good. And so I keep that saying in my head. Now let’s get back to values.

What we value is where we spend our money, our time. I value the relationship I have with God, first, then my wife and then my children and friends. If it goes any other way for me, it doesn’t work.
Value is exactly what it says. What do you value is your values. And if you value a sober husband, it is what you should look for.
Men think they can not change women, and they can. Women think they can change men, and they can’t. I am not going to debate this out, it is just a fact I have seen, and I believe it to be so. Women are caretakers, and men are easily lead this also is true. Most women in prison are there because of care-taking [that lead into a crime] their weak husbands that were to damn lazy to go out and make a living. In stead of being a man, they chose to be something less. They just have not got past the Peter-Pan syndrome yet. Grow up. In the bible it says there is a time for everything, and it is true. But you need to grow up to discover this. And if you need to change your values for better ones, do it.
There is something called social-comparison [observation]. As you look at people, while you are becoming sober, you will discover what behaviors you are lacking, pick out the best of the best ones for yourself, as you observe the people around you talk, walk, have conversations, etc. You will want the best for yourself. You see, we have forgotten how to act. We stopped growing the day we started drinking. When we stop drinking again is when we will start growing again. Simple isn’t it.

Women-Men

Women have their sexual peak at 27 or 28 years of age, while men have it at 18 or 19. Now this does not say much about alcohol or drugs does it? But what it does say is we are different creatures. We are made differently. We think differently. I cannot be a mother no more than a woman can be a father. And if that is what you are trying to be and loosing the battle, there is a good reason to it, you are not, -- what you are not. So don’t try and be what you can’t be. In a like manner, a woman is born being with caretaker instincts, yet she has to learn how to be a nurturer.

Children/Adolescents

For many years I worked with children and adolescents. Boy what a couple of hard years. Nnnnnnnnnnnnnn
eeeeeeeeeeever
aaaaaaaaaagain, -- never
Again.

But I’ve noticed that with raising children, and using alcohol and/or drugs we do not make the best judgments for the kids, or put another way, decisions and choices. We are not working for their betterment, but rather to satisfy our cravings. It is not all about us, or for that matter, it is not all about them; nor do I think it should be. It is about the whole thing; you, me and them. It is how God made things. But it does have to do with responsibility.
If it was about us, and only us, God would have left Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden alone. But you see, He didn’t,--did He, for here we are. And although there was trouble in the Garden, somehow, the couple made the best out of a bad situation. I doubt, the couple in the garden went and blamed God for everything that went wrong. And as you most likely know, God allowed freedom of choice. He could have stepped in, as I hear so many people saying, “Why does God allow this,” what a way to avoid responsibility.
If He were to step in our affairs, we’d most likely blame Him till eternity for everything that went wrong. So when He stays out, He gets the same thing. He can’t win. But being God is got to be a big job. And when we are parents, governments, that is what we are playing, god, but in a little way. That is why Christ said, “Give to Caesar, what belongs to Caesar.” What He was saying in essence was, I have allowed governments to govern, and I never told you to go against them unless they were of course going contrary to heaven, but none the less, revenge is for the Lord, and He will take care of them, so pay your taxes and give to them what belongs to me, and to Me, what belongs to me.” Christ simplified things, and got right to the point, if you were listening.
As I have always thought, and felt, let man do as he will, but when the Lord commands, it is a different story.
This book is about addictions. And when we have them, what we are using is our little-god, isn’t it? Oh yes my friend it is, even if you are trying to turn your head from this paragraph. YOU HAVE A LITTLE GOD IN YOUR HANDS CALLED ‘drink me’ or ‘smoke me’ or ‘inject me’, or ‘run to the toilet and puke me out’ or ‘gamble me to death’. These are little gods. You will never get in full touch with the Big One until you let go of the little ones. Now let’s look at children a little. Alcohol parents can make or bake them.

◊

I remember being asked to go to the children’s ward to work one weekend, at a freestanding hospital, a dual-disorder facility, back in the early 90’s. The head psychotherapist asked me, after reading my background, finding out I had a lot of developmental psychology; when I refused to work in the child ward, she asked me why? Well it wasn’t because I hadn’t worked them before, it was because I had. I told her my heart wasn’t in it that I wanted to hug them, not discipline them. Well I must have said the right thing for once in my life, because she ordered me to go there immediately, and her face said, “Now or never,” meaning my job depended on it.
But one of the disturbing things I found out in the children’s ward was they had no values except to hold on to anger which was some kind of survival tool; that was a high value for them. And they displaced it every chance they could on the staff. The parents often times when I seen them, seemed to have what I call value-conflicts; and children pick up on that. When it comes right down to it, what they see is all they know, if it is wishy-washy, so are they. They talk about how their parents used and abused them. And they shout and swear they will never follow in their foot steps, but when push comes to shove, it is all they know, and they follow the same pattern. Now if you are a behavioral science worker in this area, you may disagree, and so be it, but work in the area first. You have reprogrammed them.
I also discovered white children from white parents were put into these facilities because they could not install into their children their way of thinking, one being discipline. But one also has to remember when they have been watching their children’s behavior for 10-years, and is 15 now, it is imprinted behavior. Don’t expect them to jump up and say, “Were all fixed up now since you parents got it together finally.”
There were not many black kids back then at the hospital, they couldn’t afford the service I would think, plus, I had learned while working in other facilities, they usually grabbed their kids before the social system got involved in fear they would take them away, and gave them to family members to mend while they were gone serving time or whatever. I am not picking out races, I am picking out experiences. And if it hit you below the belt, so be it, the truth hurts.
I discovered with Asians, the whole family came to live in the hospitals while they were being treated. Different values again.

Political-with Children

But let me sway to the side a little before I let this subject go. I would rather raise children up in Peru now, where I have family, on my wife’s side, simply because you can discipline them there and not end up in jail. You can instill in them your good values, and not fear the social system coming down on you. In America where I did raise my kids it was in a time of change. When I could also discipline them; but at the end of my child rearing cycle, times had changed. One of my sons at age 13 or so came to me and said, “You can’t hit me dad, I can call the police and have you put in jail now.” Something he learned at school I suppose. Well, I don’t think I ever hurt my kids anyways, but I did respond with, “Just come a little closer and tell me that, and you’ll loose all your front teeth.” He never did come closer. But he never the less respected me I think.
They are bigger now than me, and I suppose they both could kick my ass, but that is what they’d have to do, because my values say, die before you give up. The point I’m trying to get at is our society has actually taken the ability of the parent, to parent his children away. I would not like to have children now in America. I was in the Army for 11-years, and I love my country, but we need to help the parents out here. How can you expect a child to see limits, when you take away discipline? I know, you say put him in the corner. Talk to him. If you’ve tried that, you already know how that works. A fellow worker some years back got punched a few times in the face by his 15-year old son. Now do you think the social system would understand if he hit the boy back NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO way. They would a say, “Now we got to go along with what is bothering the boy…” and some more of that crap.
Now if you want my advice [and if you don’t, turn the page], and I can just hear the social worker, anyways, I feel the boy should have gotten a black eye for his hitting his father, and a kick in the ass to boot, and let him support his own self for awhile, see where the money comes from; hard love, for hard times. You don’t teach a boy not to hit his father by turning the other cheek, you teach him by showing him he has limits in life, through discipline. God help us all. Now the usage comes, lazy parents, and lazy children. You drink, I can drink.

We have different values, don’t we? But I bit I get the job done quicker than you; the social worker that has a lot of “Does and don’ts” out there. And we are all wondering why our kids are going to pot. Now don’t come up with some fancy talking and say, ‘But it isn’t time we are counting, is itttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!”
It is a here and now thing; immediacy. One of my children came to me when he was 15 or so, living with his mother, and said, “Dad, I miss being with you.” I replied, “Why?” He stopped and thought, “At home there is no discipline.” I had thought I had failed as a parent, because of my drinking and divorce. But maybe there was something in all of this, my values. When I’d get mad, I’d sit on my hands, so I wouldn’t take it out on my children. When I was calm, is when I’d discipline, and that was bad enough.
If my children like me or for that matter dislike me, is not what matters, or what I was after, it is nice if they do, but most children wait for the funeral anyways, and call it a day. My job was to do the best I could with what I had at the time. And when I face my maker, I can say I did. That is my value, no more, no less.

I once had a friend who married this woman with who had two children they were not his. They were cruel to him, and had no discipline. One tried to give him a heart attack while living at her home, and as much said so to his wife. But his job was to try and produce discipline, or so he told me. His wife was too lazy to do the job I suppose.
Well to make a long story short, the children complained about him all the time. He was the scapegoat for everything. He should have known that stepping into an already made family was a thankless job. But he had asked them if they minded if he married their mother, and they said, “No, if that is what makes her happy,” they responded. But children are goofy anyways, so I guess why he took their “Ok” was beyond me. It was far from ok. Well, the children moved out and lived with their father.
Shortly after that his wife asked him to allow one to move back. He said why, since they were not happy there, and could get their way with their father, which they seem to be after. Well she said they were not happy with their father, and one of them was fighting with the ex husbands’ new wife. Matter-of-fact, they both ended up in the hospital and jail if I recall right. So what we see here is that the kids did nothing but cause trouble for everyone, because of no limits, no discipline, and the kids knew they had a system working for them. But then she said one of them was being molested by the father. And so my friend allowed her to move back into the house; when she did move back in she didn’t want to talk so he left it alone.
Now you would think the social system would come in and do something, but it took a lot of fighting to even get them to look at it, and then the girl would not press charges. Blood is thick. God help her, I do pray she is well now. All in all, children do not know what is best for them, and yes we got some sick parents out there. And we got a system that does not work.

Children

When I was raising my children I kept the ability to talk about where I stood with them; call it direct mutual communication. Taking time to talk to them, tells them they are worth your while, and they were worth mine. I used to tell them while in Germany, that I could not argue what was right or wrong at any given moment, but if they’d just go along with my decisions now, write down what they felt was wrong, than on Sundays, after eating we could go through their notes on my decisions and if I made bad ones I’d look at it. And I’ll tell you, I ended up more than once saying I was sorry for making bad ones.

Adolescents

Adolescents are funny creatures, especially in the chemically dependency area. I always hated to do assessments on them, simply because they were goofy, and their behavior could change over night, plus, I never wanted to label them. But I have worked with them off and on. In all, I suppose I have worked in the counseling, psychology, sociology, addiction, theology and military science area for some 30-years, of my 55-years on this earth. And one thing I have found out in the behavioral science field is that adolescents have some signature traits, and then all of a sudden they are gone.
Very hard to predict, and for me to work with; they wear me out quick. Once I was working with this individual in a lock-up facility. He was on drugs at one time. And as I was counseling this 17-year old, we got along quite well, not that I was trying to form a buddy-ship, but sometimes they take your professional caring, or empathy, as a closer relationship than you think. In any case, he jumped at me one day, and was quite sharp. I let it go, and the following day, I assigned him to a much younger man. The reason I gave to my higher-ups for this decision was I had helped this kid as far as I could. I know was reminding him of his father, which he even proclaimed, and to take this any farther would simply provoke, or turn up old stones with many worms, that did not have to be turned up. And that we would simply go in circles.
Well, he got a new counselor, and to be quite frank, he was always very respectful to me for doing so. The other counselors asked if I felt slighted. I said why should I? I did my job, and the main purpose is not me here, but him. My job was to try and make him as healthy as possible, and if bowing out would do it, so be it [like John the Baptist]. No it didn’t bother me. It inspired me, and showed me a new path to go down. That was team work, and I was used to it in the Army.

Adolescent Damage

As I said I am no expert with adolescent behavior, but I do know a few interesting treatment elements that might help the parent; besides the kick in the ass thing we previously talked about. I guess when they get to this stage it is pretty hard to kick them in the ass; they are usually bigger than you at that time, so do it early.
Anyways, adolescents usually use their choice of drugs indiscriminately, wanting to get wasted. Look for that sign, not sure what you can do, and by this time you already know they have a problem. Check the attitude area out, what feels good to you, if nothing, maybe something is going on. They often use to feed a void [that something in their life is missing], because of love, or the lack of it, and self-esteem. If you do not give them attention, they will find it elsewhere.
We must remember they are emotional things, with a lot of action in their blood. Genetically they can be predisposed to the disease of alcoholism, look at their genetic background, grandfather, mother; father etc. Is it in the family? If so your boy or girl could be subject to catching the disease after a few trials of getting drunk, or high. Explain that to them. Look at psycho-biological and psychological ingredients. They get them just like grown ups.
And like grown ups they get stressed, which can be a good enough reason to start drinking. The common thing to look for is denial, it is a defense system for them, i.e., “I had a few beers, like every one else, like dad, what’s the big thing, I’m no more an alcoholic than grandpa was.” Remember then if grandpa was, and if he was, most likely, your son is becoming one.
For these young adults chemical usage comes in many forms, they have stages let me share them with you:

1. Experimental
2. Social
3. Recreational
4. Preoccupation
5. Dependency

There is a good and sad part to this subject, that being, the kids will normally grow out of this holocaust, but for those who do not; they will have a bumpy ride for a long time. It is sad that they can not see down the road. They often say, “I’m feeling great, what you talking about, heart problems, and liver issues. I’m 19-years old, I’m healthily, talk to me in 20-years.” And of course in five or ten years it will be too late, and in twenty, he could very well be dead. My friend … got killed in a car crash, he was 19, and I was 18. I had decided that night not to go for a ride, he went with a drunk driver, and never made it home again; I still miss him, and can see his face stopping at my school as I’m about to go through the doors, and he shouts, “Dennis, come on, lets get drunk.” I went with him a hundred times like that.
And so it is hard to tell a young man or woman who is healthy today, look down the road. I’ve had two heart attacks, open heart surgery. Two strokes and I got MS. And I blame half of this on my lifestyle. For 22-years I drank and smoked 3-packs of cigarettes a day. But if you are an adolescent reading this, and you say, ‘hog wash’ you simply need to wait, you most likely will not even reach my age, which I’m pretty lucky. Most alcoholics die in their early to late forth’s. And if they stop, they usually have complications the rest of their lives, like me. Go for broke if you want, the devil will play with you like puppet on his string.

Conclusion to Chapter Three
Success

Before we get into the next chapter I want to bring up the word called success. It takes a few different forms. One is talking, or praying, the other is action. Like the 12-steps we talked about. Everything interrelates when you put it all out on the table, like a puzzle.
The man who is doing nothing is making no mistakes I grant you that, and most likely the one making the most mistakes is the one doing the most, need I say more. But let me dig into this a little. It holds true in about everything we do in life. Let me tell you a biblical story, what I remember of it anyways. I think about it now and then, especially when I am trying to achieve something, especially like sobriety. The Lord gave a few people some silver coins telling them to go out and be industrious, make more, and that He’d be back later to see how they were doing.
Well the men did as the Lord told them, and when the Lord came back, two of the three showed Him how much more they had made from the 10-silver coins He had given them, both doubling the amount. The third person gave back the 10-silver coins telling the Lord that out of fear of not succeeding he hid the coins until his return, and wanted to give them back. Well the Lord was not pleased at that and reprimanded the man, taking the coins and telling him to get out of town, quickkkkkkkkkkkkk……! And he did just that.
Success is a natural word, meaning, it can mean different things to different people. But what the Lord was saying was simple, take a chance, go for it. I gave you life, stand up, you don’t have a claim on life, you could die tomorrow.
He is not going to do for us, what we can do for ourselves. He didn’t say he was going to caretaker us, he said he’d be there, “Seek me and you will find me,” and “Ask and you shall receive,” and “Knock and the door will open.” But you got to open the damn door first. The third man didn’t even try, what he expected, a pat on the back for doing nothing.
Now for those who know this story you’re probably saying, Dennis forgot a few points, and there were more than three men. But you get the main idea that is what I am after. Now for story two.
Moses, oh yes, he was a doubter in his success. You think not? Bare with me on my stories, I write them as I feel, and try to put as much truth in them as I can, but you are wise people, you will get the idea; Moses had three parts to his life, something like Elvis, the young years, the middle years and the end years. Moses lived to be 120-years old, so we can divide them into 40-year periods. The first 40-he was in Egypt and being a prince. The second 40-he was in the desert being a silent prophet of sorts, most likely taking care of sheep, you know being a farmer of sorts. The last 40-he was in Egypt again causing trouble, leading the Jews out of Egypt, and across the desert.
Now if you are saying you seen the Ten-Commandments, the movie get to the point, I will right now. Moses was shy. He did not like talking to a large group of people. Matter-of-fact, he hated it. Now if you are saying the movie didn’t show that, take my word for it, he was. And actually, speaking in front of groups takes a certain amount of courage, skill, and preparation.
In any case, he was on his knees more than he was standing up talking to his people in the beginning. Well, for the most part, God told Moses to get off his knees and down to business of getting the people out of Egypt, across the Red Sea, which He was ready to separate, but Moses of course didn’t know it at the time. And when the Lord told him to get up, and move out, he finally did.
God never said He was going to make life easy for us, but that He’d be there. Moses was usable, and available, two qualities God checks out first before He hands out assignments. And He gave Moses a spokesman for when he got them very shy days, Josiah.
You see, he didn’t forget Moses in the time of need, and he had plan A and B. What we all need. Success comes with faith, patience, and working out your plan. I studied theology for 10-years, praying within them years for God to get me out of something, but I was not ready. He proved this point to me, as I had looked back some time ago. As it is written, “There is a time for everything under the sun,” just like now, it is time for me to write this book.
You most likely will measure your success by your accomplishments and values; and they will be different than other peoples. When I was working at one job years ago, a so called friend laughed at me and said, he didn’t even have a degree, and here you have two, and I’m more successful than you. In his eyes making money was success, and yes, he was making more money than I. But he swore all day long about his shitty job that he made good money at. He was not a happy camper. He didn’t know I was recovering from alcohol, had he known that, he might have not said what he said. But I told him, if he had been where I was, in comparison to where I am today, you might think differently. He shock his head as if I was in other-space, so I added another sentence saying, “I’m at peace with my God, myself, and all people around me.” He looked at me again, “That’s my success [for now anyway]” I told him, and he never brought the subject up again.
In closing this chapter I want to tell you about Mickey Mantle. I know very little about baseball, or for that matter about football, hockey or basketball, even though I have an autograph picture of him, and it is not for playing baseball do I keep it, but out of respect for being a winner. When I was growing up in the 1960’s [born l947] I heard of him quite a lot, and to be quite frank, he was the only name I could remember in baseball. I do realize now being 55-years old he was the greatest switch hitter ever, whatever that means. And he played I think from 1951 through 1968. But my time of recognizing him was more on the 1960 to 1968 era. Every time I turned on the news, you know, you get the sports with it. Well, there he was Mickey Mantle.
What impressed me was this, in high school he had a football injury, and during his career in baseball he acquired a chronic knee injury, and a painful hip abscess, but he kept playing. I remember them on TV commentating this while he was playing, then after I’d hear about him and a game would start, I’d turn the channel to The Lone Ranger or something.
This man, Mr. Mantle, didn’t feel sorry for himself like drug addicts and alcoholics do, he suffered to win, and that is exactly what life is about, falling down, and getting up. Or standing firm so you don’t fall, like Mickey [and not the mouse]. No pain, no gain. I know, I said that before. But it is true. We all want it for nothing; no responsibility.
When I was in the real estate business, and I was successful, everyone said how easy the money was for me. They all wanted a part of the easy money. But no one went into the business, they just looked on as I traveled the world, stayed sober, some got envious at my work at the halfway house; you see I was doing three jobs for awhile, counseling, real estate, and writing, but no one tried harder than I. I worked 24/7. I didn’t let my two strokes, and two heart attacks stop me; nor my Multiple Sclerosis. I am not able to do that any more and I knew the day would come, but until the last moment I did. And I may or may not live another year or ten, it doesn’t matter, my Lord gave me that extra mile I asked for I am very grateful. Now how about youuuuuuuuuu….yup, you, you, it is all about you now, just like you like it.

Now on to the next chapter.

4

Behavior, Beliefs and
The Disease

Let’s look at some alcoholic behavior, and drug induced behavior. All paths lead to sobriety if you walk down the least traveled ones, but let’s see where they are when you are standing still, and we are using, this might help the soul-mates of the users out more than the addicted.

JEALOUSY:

1. Jealousy: That’s a common behavior with alcoholics. I know we talked on this a little before, but let’s take a closer look. If you are recovering what you got to do is learn to let go, share that person. We do not have full control or access to those on whom we depend; which is another form of dependency, especially during the recovery period.
2. If you see yourself incomplete, cannot live without your mate, learn how to be interdependent. The more you are dependent, the more you are usable by Satan’s jealousy.
3. Jealousy has many roots, and some of them are: fear of loss; feeling excluded; feeling insecure.
4. When one area becomes less in our lives we usually try to hang on to the mate closer. Meaning, when you are trying to sober up, you may hang on too tight to your mate; and I guess it goes both ways, even when you are using you also may try to hang on to a good caretaker, why not, they will enable you to use more. No one wants a guard standing over their heads, and the bottom line is that, a jealous person is that guard.

Jealousy breeds jealousy, and your mood determines the shape of it. Normally after the event is over, the jealousy goes down, but alcoholics have a high degree of this emotion. Jealousy says: “I don’t want anyone else to have you,” a little different than envy, which people often get mixed up with jealousy. Envy says I want what you have.

Schizophrenia:

I have worked with this illness as a dual-disorder. My clients were either using drugs, or prescriptions or alcohol, or some kind of combination of these with their usual psychosis medications. No one said life was easy, and these people get a double dose of it. Some of the signs are:

1. Delusions/hallucinations [sounds; thinking]
2. Incoherence
3. Clairvoyance
4. Disorientation

You will witness them having thought distortions; their feelings may be presented with a flat affect, or appear to be, and their actions are often limited, stillness. I guess in my book, these are the last people that should be using alcohol. It only worsens their dilemma.

Depression-Manic

I have worked much in this area. It seems when women come into the hospital with depression and alcohol, and remember alcohol is a depressant in itself, they leave before the men. Why, because they are willing to deal with their emotions. To cry if need be; to get it out. But let’s look at some of the characteristics:

1. Moods [irritableness]
2. Loss of interest/pleasure. Get them out of the bed. Assign them one thing to do, and only one thing. To give them two or three will only put them back into the bed.
3. Weight loss/or gain
4. Insomnia
5. Fatigue
6. Feeling worthless/guilt
7. Inability to think
8. Thoughts of death/ suicide

It’s not a pretty picture, and coupled with alcohol, it gets worse. I once was called in by my church to talk to a depressed-alcoholic, male. He really didn’t want to talk, but agreed I think to shut his friend up, and he stop pestering him. He told his friend and me later, he wanted to kill himself. We talked every Sunday at a café for two months. He wanted to kill himself every time we talked, and said he was surprised he hadn’t.
Well I do not want to get into all the details, but one day at church, after coming back from vacation, I asked one of the youth ministers where this fellow was, because I wanted to start back up seeing him. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “He went to his girlfriend’s house, beeped the horn, when she opened the door, standing in its archway, out of nowhere he produced a gun, putting it to his head and killed himself.”
That was a bad morning for me. He never drank when I was counseling him, but he did everyday I wasn’t I suppose. And just for the record we tried everything under the sun for the person. Those with depression, when you drink you get a double dose of it. Depression in itself is a disorder, and coupled with alcohol or drugs, man you are asking for trouble.

Manic [with depression]

Manic-depressants recover, where schizophrenic usually do not, but rather have to deal with the ongoing symptoms. And some times the manic-depressants are boarder-line schizophrenic, causing more issues. But none the less manic depressants have a high rate of suicide, more so than schizophrenics. In all cases drugs and alcohol can place a deadly curse on these folks.

As we talk about dual-disorders, let me sum this area up by a look at the general makeup of Neurosis and Psychosis. For the most part we have already I suppose, but let me add, again, alcohol can place a deadly germ on these individuals; for instance, people with neurosis may have to deal with, anxiety, phobic [fear], and again depression [feeling sad all the time]; on the other hand, in psychosis, schizophrenia being one form, and melancholia another, and lets not forget manic-depression and paranoia states.

The Counselor I

If I would pick out a certain therapy to call my own, I would claim-- and I do use all areas the behavioral sciences as a helper in the behavior science area-- but I’d pick out “Client Centered Therapy,” why, because it has a realness/genuineness to it. It deals with respect, and empathy. The therapist normally will process client’s attitudes for potential growth. If you are seeking help, you may want to remember this. See where your counselor has been. What he has studied. What he believes in. I am not afraid to show or tell my background, and my credentials; for the most part I am a Christian Counselor. But I have counseled gays as well as straight people. And I like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I do not believe it to be God’s will in this area of concentration to judge. Let Him be the judge.
I’ve had several gays in my sessions. But I do remember one well. She came to me prior to the group-session and asked if I thought it was for her to be involved with a group of recovering people, and her being the only gay. I told her first, I didn’t know if she was the only gay, she was telling me she was gay. Second, if she didn’t want anyone to know, it was her business, and she would be the one to tell. And third, I didn’t have a problem with it if she didn’t I also added she could find a gay group if that was what she really wanted.
Well she joined the group, and it went well. In the middle of the sessions she asked if she should come up front with her sexual preference, feeling accepted by the group. Feeling it was part of the healing process. My question was, “Can you take rejection if the group doesn’t connect with you after you tell them?” And if she couldn’t she has already answered her question. She never did tell, and I can still see her smiling after completing 5-weeks of treatment, 4-hours a night, 5-x-per week. Whatever-floats the boat, that’s my motto? Like I said before, do what works for you, no need to be a hero.

The Counselor II

Go shopping, like you do for a dentist, or doctor; a house or car, or possible even a horse. Check him or her out. Not every counselor is the same. Some believe in a more psychological approach, meaning, the individual is guilty for his actions. Some will take the sociological approach, feeling society has made this individual the way he is. Me, I believe more in the psychological approach, but do understand our environment, culture, race, all play into the way we are. Just as being female or male do. When we treat one or the other, we have to take that into consideration. I would not give a lecture on cancer the same way to men as I would to women alcoholics; for women who use alcohol have a higher level of breast cancer than men. So we have to shift a little.

The Counselor IIl

What should this counselor be for his client? How about simply a helper [to help him or her in dealing with and going down the path of recovery]?

1. Break the block of denial creating change by rebuilding; give him or her tools.
2. The patient must let go, to go forward in life.
3. Bring about wholeness for the patient; this is the main objective, in the physical, emotional, social and spiritual areas of his or her life.

If you are not getting this ask the counselor why, and if you feel the answer does not fit the conversation, fire him.

I have learned if you make a difference in their life, they will not forget you; I have never forgotten my counselor. He was a tall black man. I was in the Army at the time, in Alabama. This is when I stopped for one year, and still lost my family. Well he was very patient with me. He would preach to me often. One time I said to him, “You drink, I know you do, and when you leave here [meaning his office] you and your wife will probably get drunk and I got to stay sober.” He looked at me and simply said, “You’re my patient, I’m not yours. And if I do, it has nothing to do with you.”
I would often get mad, and moody. And one day I asked why he was throwing darts at a dartboard, not counseling me. He said I was from Missouri, and I said no, I was from Minnesota. I didn’t get the joke, so he said “People from Missouri, are hard headed.” I got the picture. Then he added, “When you start to get me frustrate with you, I start my dart game,” and continued to throw darts.
I never forgot him, he helped me find my tools for sobriety, I just happened to stop drinking to save my career in the Army, and my family at that time. But I stopped for the wrong reasons. I should have stopped for me first, and the benefits might be keeping the family, but it does not always work that way, so be prepared. I learned, even hard-heads can learn.
Like one of my patients once said, “If I can go straight, any one can.” He knew he was a bad seed, but he grabbed on to hope. I had taken him off of a job while he was at a half-way house, an inmate. He had found a job at a strip joint. He was really mad at me because I made him quite that job. And swore he was going to call his lawyer, etc. But I told him the truth, that if I allowed him to stay there I would be in not only violation of my values, but my God. I couldn’t do it even if it cost me my job. He looked shocked. And that was that. Last time I seen him was walking down the street, he stopped in his car from the drivers side, and I on the opposite, he yelled, “Do you remember me,” I said, “I sure do Mr. ……!” and he smiled, saying, “Still sober and doing well.” And so my friends, if he can do it, like he said, “So can you.”

Bulimic

This seems to be an area often looked at, but not talked about. And although I have worked with young women in this area, it is still a mystery of sorts to me. But let me share my findings.

While working at a freestanding facility in the Midwest in the early 90’s, and a quite well know one, and an expensive one at that, I learned a lot I thought, only to find out I was on top of the ice berg, and the bottom was three times as deep as the top. To me, “Eating disorders” were sad at best, and pathetic at worse. In this bowel of soup, you find sexual abuse, conflict, addictive behavior with food, and often alcohol, and body abuse internally, obsessive-compulsive behavior; constantly trying to find a place to get the food out; abusing of laxatives; shame and secrets, shop lifting to support their young habits.
I guess if you got this or any other eating disorder, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you much. And what I just mentioned you already know. But I guess I can put it in this book to let you know, you’re not alone, or overlooked.
Some times the girls where I worked would put a little food on a little plate, running up for seconds constantly, and watching whose watching them; and then other times they would put a little food on a big plate, doing the same thing; not sure who they were trying to fool.

Some Notes on Alcoholism, Women & Causes

This is going to be one of them, “Did you know?”

1. Alcoholic women prefer masculinity before feminism.
2. Alcoholic women use alcohol more so in ‘life crises’, such as divorce, death and children leaving home.
3. Women who use express by depression.
4. Men who use express by aggression.
5. Smoking ages you, and smoking and drinking seem to go together for both men and women; cut seven years off your life expectancy or smoking, and another for drinking
6. Expect liver damage, in the case of cirrhosis from alcoholism, there is no return, the living cells die; you become the living dead

Stress I

In the world of stress, we adjust or control. Life events can cause illness, as can your temper. Thus, you can learn how to increase it or decrease it. But remember adjusting to stress puts demands on the body, which requires adaptive energy. The more changes one has to deal with, the sicker he or she can get. That is why so many people on holidays lose their sobriety. They cannot adjust to being alone.
I used to have every holiday set up in advance so I would not feel sorry for myself and find I was using again. To combated stress especially for the recovering person, be calm, go to familiar places, and figure out ways to adjust. Take time at decision making, anticipate, pace yourself.

Stress II

Alcoholics or drug addicts need to do whatever it takes to remain sober. And sometimes that is getting out of the job you are at, if it causes too much stress. Occupational stress can be a deadly thing. And you are no good to your family or anyone for that matter if you are dead, right?
When I think about the occupational area I think about 1) Shift work, 2) Work load, 3) Incidents, 4) Nature of job, 5) Work rules. Is the work load too much or too little, or too different, too easy. Is it incompatible or too many expectations? What is the environment; food for thought.

Let me just share a thought on this subject with a quick story. I met Jim Hough one Sunday afternoon in November 2002 in Roseville, Minnesota, the offensive lineman for Utah State, and footballs National League defensive lineman for the Minnesota Vikings, #51. He was respectful and very kind, not arrogant; my kind of guy. He was also 1981’s Arm Wrestling Champ I understand. He was on the field from 1978 to 1986; due to knee and calf injuries he had to retire from his occupation of being a football star, or player.
It should be noted he played with these injuries to my knowledge for some four years while in the league before retiring. Surely if he would have continued playing he would have caused much more damage to his walking ability. I admire his drive, and his will, out of necessity to let go when the time arrived. And that is not giving up. This is what we [US] addicted folks must do. Take a lesion from him. Mr. Hough did two things, he let go of his career so he wouldn’t get an already situation worse, and fought it to the last minute. And then went on to other things in life.
We alcoholics need to let go for a harmful habit, disease and go forward with all the drive and will in our bodies.

Stress III

Some stress is good I know, but we are talking about what the alcoholic and addict needs. He or she will know. But remember the importance you place on a stressor is how stressful you will become. Also, the more stress you take on, the more control of your life you must have. And that is the very truth.
When I was buying houses, involved with real estate, it was fun, but stressful. And I found I had to be available 24-7. If not I could not keep a balance between buying, selling, renting, collecting rents, and having repairs down. This took a high level of control, and when I started to loose it, I got more stress, and at times the alcohol fever started to get to me. Thus, being out of control causes you stress and you need to know if you are ready for it at this time of your life. For it is written, “There is a time for everything, under the sun.”
The problem of stress if unrecognized, uncontrolled, it will bring destruction. So remember adjustment and control as you need to while in this environment, both in the personal area as well as in the environmental area.
Did you know most people that relapse had set it up days before it happened? Oh yes, you didn’t find yourself at the local corner bar where you drank 10-years ago almost every night, -- for no reason. Your mind set it, just look behind you, those thoughts you’ve been getting. Is it not funny, you ended up being there on a Friday night, just when all your old drinking friends were around the bar at happy hour. And you told your counselor, “I just don’t know how I got there.” Bull shit, you just don’t want to face the truth. No, you already had the urge; you now are at the place. Relapses do not happen over night, they are planned usually.

Note: This book can not be everything to everybody, but it can provide one thing for everyone, prevention…keep reading, and prevention should stand out as we go along. In prevention to prevail one of the things we must deal with, and we have gone over this a little but I want to remind you again, is dealing with guilt and shame. On the other side of the shame coin is pride, which we touched on. Guilt is more of an experience of breaking a moral code, as in the Army. For guilt you regret your actions, shame is feelings about one’s self. Often times the pain of guilt is reduced when we give blind obedience to another, calling it orders. This is why it is good to keep in check with your values. The closer we come to violating our values, the closer we come to using, and throwing away prevention.

5

Prevention, Stages
And the Disease

Relapse Prevention

In most every place I have worked in the addiction field, this is the one main area that seems to take precedence over all others. And so it should, and so let’s look at it.
You could probably sum it up by saying prevention’s main objective is to change behavior; to be able to anticipate; to learn coping skills. To stop it before it happens requires a maintenance program. Breaking down relapse isn’t easy, as I said before, whatever it takes to stay sober you got to walk that road.
The goal is to anticipate a relapse before it accrues and it becomes full blown, meaning, unavoidable and you are going to drink [also see Prevention Article in Appendix]. Thus, this maintenance I mentioned is like polishing your skills, in staying free of chemicals.
In the area of prevention, the client [you or your loved one] must learn how to balance your lifestyle. If your counselor is not helping you in this area, ask him or her why they are not. As we mentioned before, the counselor should be teaching his patient stress reduction techniques; psychological needs, and healthy habits, getting him on a program of sorts.
If treatment is necessary, get it. Go to AA, family or group therapy; religious groups, church, get on medication, if not antibuse [a pill that will remind you that you are not allowed to drink. It says, you can never drink safely again by making you very…vvvvvvvvVery sick]; get aversive therapy if you need it or learn behavior modifications steps. Whatever it takes to prevent you from using again, is where you path should be headed.
Relapse is identified as “Treatment failure”, yet, I think a better way of looking at it is to forget the ‘all or nothing’ concept; if you relapse, call it a long slip, and get back up on your feet, work a program [a formula that works for you, like AA, Counseling, etc is a program].

When I was working with inmates that came to the halfway house from prison to find work, and had either a chemical dependency issue or abuse issue with drugs [incidentally, there is a difference between abuse and dependency, if you are dependent you are abusive, but if you are abusive you are not necessary dependent, if that makes sense; my friend drinks abusively when he gets a divorce, but thereafter, he barely touches the stuff]. Anyways, as I was saying, or about to say, I used to ask after they said they were sober for a long time, and had kept sobriety, “Are you working a program?” They’d say, “What you talking about, a program.” In other words they were doing nothing, and planned on doing nothing to remain sober. Nothing gets you nothing. Create your own program. A program is something you are doing to maintain your sobriety. We just mentioned a few areas, church, or group therapy, AA, etc.
If you are planning on taking your mate back after he has become sober, ask him if he’s been working on his sobriety. If he says yes, ask him how. Most people will get stuck with that easy question, not knowing how to answer it unless you are really working a program.
If you would have asked me 20-years ago, what I was doing to prevent myself from using, I would have said, my program consists of going to AA two times a week. Seeing my counselor one time per week; calling my sponsor up a few times a week. Keeping busy during the times of the day I knew I was more vulnerable for drinking. Reading at the bookstore a lot, I had a list of 5-friend I could call at any given time in case I needed to talk to someone. I had a list of places I could go, like to the movies, church, AA, bowling. This is part of your program; you know things to occupy one’s mind when s/he gets stressed out. I’d go walking around the lake.
If your loved one can not give you a straight answer, he or she is just farting around and wasting your time.
What makes you think you will remain sober without a program, especially when you are first starting out with sobriety? You are like a new kid on the block. All these needs, thoughts, feelings you haven’t experienced since you were chemically free [years ago], are coming to surface. You got to deal with them, find an Emotional Club, one that deals with emotions. If you started drinking at 13 or 16, and you are 30 now, when you stop drinking you will be thinking like a 16 year old. The year you started drinking is the year your mind stopped growing. It will take a few years, or several months for your mind to catch up with your body. About one month for every year you drank. It is like a marriage, you got to grieve the loss. An addiction is a BBBBBBBBBBig loss. You cherished it, and spent time with it. You watched it grow, and courted it like a lover. Do you think for one minute it will set you free because you demand it; no, no, no. You have to divorce it.

Causes for Relapse

There are deep rooted causes for relapse; for a person to go back to drinking; one being, living in a negative emotional state [depression, or boredom]; also interpersonal conflict [a bad marriage, or relationship]. Social pressures influence one, as does the lack of control, or coping skills.
Skill training=behavioral, cognitive responses to cope with high risk situations. The cognitive part is dealing with early warning signals. Something telling you a relapse might be on its way. Also look at lifestyle interventions, meaning, relaxation, exercise, it all can help.

π

For the co-dependent, or enabler, which we talked about before, do not identify by thinking you have the same disease as your mate, you do not. What you lack is a good self-image. You have misplaced your care of self.
Remember the co-dependent traits: loss of self; actions based on what someone else might do, and other person’s problems are more important than yours. Also add fear, anger and rejection, they all rule you. You’re messed up, -- are you not? But there is hope. That is not the way it has to end.
You really have to invest in yourself. Let me give you a quick story. Back in around l989-90, I met Fay Ray, and spoke a few words to her. If you may have forgot who she is, when was the screaming woman in the original movie “King Kong,” I still think it is one of the best movies every made. Anyways, as I was saying, we met, and I asked her a question, knowing she had recently written a book; I asker her question concerning the movie “King Kong”. She was blunt, but polite and said, “You need to buy the book, there you’ll find your answer.” As I look back, what I feel she was really saying was, or so I feel, if it means that much to you, invest. In a like manner, I would have to say to you at this stage of the book, if sobriety means anything to you, invest. I appreciate my sobriety, and I have invested.

The Disease Concept
[Also review Quantum–Dependence]

And so is alcoholism a disease? Yes or No, I say yes. It may not have been when you first started out, but it became one. Just like cancer. Let’s take a closer look at it; for a different understanding of the same basic principles see Quantum-Dependence.

I. Alcohol in the body= Ether/the compound of alcohol, which reduces emotions and motor-state.
II. At 100% consumption for the alcoholic, the body is in a state of saturation or activation
III. To the alcoholic, this alcohol of 100% consumption is like drinking acetaldehyde or antibuse-substance. For the non alcoholic, the alcohol is transformed into vinegar [acetic acid], then into water, and dispersed out of the body. For the alcoholic it is not.
IV. When the antibuse-substance enters the alcoholics cell there is a THIQ change over; the alcoholic is in a bio-chemical change himself. Neuron transmitters are activated. THIQ= a heroin substance. Similarities between THIQ’s and Endorphins, both utilize the same transmitters/receptors.
V. The brain cells are now working over time. The cell, the endorphins are the things of mood/emotional and pleasure area in the brain. The system receives the message to stop sending endorphins, saturation of THIQ’s take place.
VI. This is sounding quite complex, but now comes the craving, the system wants to be feed more THIQ’s, but remember you have stopped drinking which caused the system to shut down. Carving starts because of the lack of THIQ’s, and there is nothing to take its place, the endorphins have also stopped their reproducing in that area, when the THIQ’s dominated the area.

At this juncture, your system is in an abnormal state. It has what we call a disease. It has changed; it is not the same system you started out with. I did not even want to get into this area; it is hard to explain at best. I hope it can give you some idea of why it has been called a disease; but for the alcoholic, no pain, no gain. And for the co-dependent, your mate has a disease, like it or not; but one that can be controlled. And you need to take care of YOUUUUU!!

Quantum-Dependency:

Level I

A new term for a new age, it is what I call an old dependency with a new twist, and no random concepts involved. It is a concept created for understanding purposes only. It works much like quantum mechanics or the concepts that keep the universe in check. Meaning, things are not random. It works like this: systems have a cause and effect, but when systems become oversized what happens?
This side of the coin has not really been looked at yet in the dependency world. Well for what it is worth the universe, the computer, and the human body all such systems normally react to and with their environment. Like the co-dependent to the alcoholic [we are all linked together, are we not?]. Also, like the Vietnam Veteran who comes home after the war and readjusts to his environment, he was infected by the use of alcohol but did not get the dependency, why [remember I said abuse is not the same as dependency, but dependency has both elements, abuse and the addictive element-dependency], because it did not overpower [overload] him yet. There was not an oversized happening within his system. Quantum-Dependency is similar. Let’s take this to the next level.

Level II

Classical Coke, we all heard of it, I think; let’s call it the average healthy body as it was created without the disease of alcoholism or without any long term affects by alcoholism. Now, as your body takes in alcohol on a daily basis, a transition takes place, and the body is interacting with the alcoholic environment— hormones are being infected, endorphins misplaced. A changeover is taking place. The alcohol is causing a process of dependency; -- it is no longer listening to the Classical Coke- body which is now being destroyed by Quantum-Mysteries, meaning, internal properties. Now you witness the mysteries in the new systems’ behavior, it is not the same person, physically or behaviorally.

Now if you want to test this, simply isolate yourself—start your withdrawals [craving for more alcohol] and review what we talked about in the area of “Social Comparison,” [meaning, observing others behavior to see what is socially acceptable and what is odd, or unacceptable] your system will fight to remain in its old state of dependency, but upon its return it will adjust if possible. Now you will have to edit and relearn proper behavior. You also may have internal issues because of the changeover [s]. The wear and tear on your system may have caused you heart problems, circulation issues, brain deprivation, intestinal issues, liver problems, memory problems, strokes and weight issues. And many more, that is what happens when alcohol infects the system to a level of Quantum-Dependency; it changes the body functions, to dysfunctions. During the process of your changeover, which may have taken years, your system needs to readjust again. And it may never repair itself back to normality, but that is the price we pay.

Level III

Your hormones, genes are the planets orbiting the sun, your body being the sun. We already know what the classical Coke system is made up of, ask any doctor, but the “Changeover,” system that attaches to the Quantum-Dependency make- up is still a little abstract, it is like a magnetic force within us that was activated when we started using [a disk in a computer that never stops]. It is like the alcoholic is/was on the dark side of the moon and only he can see its physical representations as it spins and spins.
Quantum-Dependency is not like throwing dice but in a like manner if you throw them long enough you will get 7/11 or 9/11. Likewise, if you drink long enough you will get hooked, and your system will changeover and your behavior will change. You will not be the person you used to be, I assure you of that.

Conclusion:

QD [Quantum-Dependency], looks at the system, for each system is different, and it’ll [the body] have to adjust. QD says, things just do not happen at random. It is like the sun coming up each morning, you can almost count on it, but how will it come up, and under what circumstances. Take a large meteor, and have it hit the coast of California, and it will blacken the earth for 90-days at least. You will not see a sun. And if you go into the Arctic, and I have been there, you will know they have a different system than Minnesota. You have the sun out for long periods of time, and then on the other hand, it is hidden from the eye, except for the Midnight Sun, for extended periods of time. Systems are different.
Again we are looking at the overwhelming side of this concept. To repeat myself, everybody adjusts differently, QD-says there will be a changeover to the system if you saturate the system long enough, or body long enough, or give it something so powerful it will not be able to resist or stay fixed in its normal orbit. It also says predisposed bodies, like--recall cars, that is, cars that originally had a malfunction built into them [maybe accidentally] are most vulnerable to QD.

Note: Quantum-dependency is a concept by itself and of itself. It does not take the place of the disease concept, or for that matter, psychotherapy, or any other theory on alcohol abuse or dependency concepts; it is simply a tool to help the reader understand dependency. Nor should anyone think it was created for that purpose, that is, to replace something else in the area of addiction. We need all the tools we can get. It is simply a new concept, with an old addictive side to it, created for understanding the alcoholic and his or her system. © Dlsiluk, 11/2002.

Stages

Now there are several stages to alcoholism we could go through, but I will lightly print some out. No need to dwell on this area, for when you are a drunk that is what you are. And if you need a good assessment, go find one, and they can tell you where you’re at. But if you can not stop drinking for a year without craving it, you are in a lot of trouble.

Now having said that, lets go on, the first stage is called the Pre-alcoholic stage, and we go on to the Alcoholic stage, and into the chronic stages of which is early and late chronic, towards the end of the list. When I think of these stages, and they all have their own elements of progression, I think of Billy Carter, the Ex-presidents’ brother. They named a beer after him if I recall right back in the 70’s. Anyways, what I remember most was he took a piss outside in front of the public’s eye, a camera man catching it on tape and showing it to the general public. Billy evidently had to take a piss so bad, prior to entering a jet bound for who knows where, he stood by one of the tires of the jet and let loose. It was more sad than funny. But, that my friends it is an example of a late chronic stage. I’m sorry if this offends you, but if you are an alcoholic or getting close to becoming one, this will not phase you when you are in his stage. He did sometime after that I remember, sober up, if I recall right.
But as I was saying these stages are not all that important in this book but a nice thing to measure your disease by while in treatment.

6

Time, Patience, Behavior
Modification, Healing

Satan wants to destroy hope, your faith. It is how he works best. Then he plants the addiction seeds, and they do the rest of the work. Man was not originally created to die, but he had a system changeover and the chromosomes within his cells that were made to last forever, started breaking, why? Call it sin, or whatever you please, but it took place, and as you know everyone has to go through this thorn patch and disease comes with it as does death. But faith is believing and so with believing there is hope out there, and you can heal; even with broken chromosomes.
To heal some people go out and tell their story, if you need to, do it. Also to heal, focus on what patterns in your life need to be changed, and change them. Find out what your blind spots are, you know those things everyone tells you, you have, or about and you say “Yaw, sure”, you don’t believe you have any weakness, but you do. An example might be, you’re moody all the time, and several people have told you, but you shift it and say, “They are jealous,” or “They should talk,” no, you should check it out. Take action, try and correct them. Look around you, learn by observation. See the sober world out there, there really is one, it is just you have been so long in the alcohol-drunk-fag world, you got believing it is the only one out there. Believe it or not, it does exist. Problem management, learn it. Grab opportunity, develop it.

Behavior Modification

Remember, we did talk about Behavior Modification, at the beginning of the book. I said I’d try to give you my view on it; but only if it helps you. First it is just a big fat phrase for saying, let’s try thinking before acting. In its scientific form, it is simply used for a behavior modifier, behavior change in an individual. To a like effect, behavior modification is the utilization of techniques for stopping an undesired or desired behavior in a person. And it should be for a positive change. It has been used in every war man has created upon this earth, it works.
Most of the principles applied in behavior modification are to some extent the same in what we call conditioning and modifying behavior change in animals. What we look at is what is considered normal vs. abnormal. In our case it might be the mannerisms alcohol has instilled into our way of life while using. Swearing or taking advantage of people. Usually what I do in modifying is rather simple, try and produce acceptable behavior, instilling responsibility, awareness and predictability into his cognitive processes. If you can change a person’s formal reasoning, you can change him. Another way of doing this is simply showing the client what is normal in contrast to what is not acceptable.
I could go on and on about this, but lets make life simple, work the 12-step program, find out the person you want to be, and work at it; one day at a time. Do not stress out on this word “Modification,” it is not worth it.

Healing I

Drugs, Alcohol and Stress:

One last item [or issue] before we get into the conclusion[s], of the book. It is called healing. I know, in one way we have already brought this to light. But I want to try and quickly put a few more notes to this process. It may seem a little different, but I feel they will help the healing process. Now to deal with healing, you got to be recovering. It will do you little good to think it comes while using.
And again I will try and related it to my experiences more than my schooling or for that matter, book work. Although it all fits into one bundle it seems.
I have also tried to avoid using many drug and addiction terms so they do not confused the layman, such as “druggie,” or “drug abuser”, or “dragon,” short for heroin. Also, “cube juice,” for morphine, or “class ‘A’” drug vs. “class ‘B’”, meaning opium addictive drugs, and narcotic non-addictive drugs. Also, “bam,” yellow, which is the popular methamphetamine, much used by many of our in prison drug sellers [or dealers]. And I have left out barbiturates and amphetamines, indirectly throwing them in the big bag called “drugs”. And I have avoided using hard liquor vs. beer etc. When you are addicted, you know you are, and it really doesn’t matter what kind of alcohol you are on, you need to heal.

Most of us have heard of PTS [Post Traumatic Stress]. We have talked a little about it before. We often and too often relate it to war infected soldiers, of which I’ve had two friends with bad cases. I myself, when watching a Vietnam flick, can shift back into the bombing mode of 30-years ago, for it was my war. Anyways, it should not be considered an illness only for the soldier. I have worked with it in hospitals and clinics; with such cases as people being divorced, bereavement, illness and business. Now that last one brings me into a story.
I once had a patient who had PTS; we shall call the patient “TF”. Well, TF worked as a teacher for 40-year, never getting a degree. When I met TF it was 1989 if I recall. I had to work with TF for one month. The patient was in a catatonic state, just starring. At $1000 per day, she was not getting better by talk therapy, and so I brought this to the attention of my superiors. TF had gotten in this state right after being fired from being a teacher. TF had no degree, but back in the area where the patient taught, it was not needed at the time of being hired; but times change.
Well, they higher ups decided to take the patient out of the freestanding hospital [incidentally the client was also using alcohol for over a year daily]. As I was saying the client was taken out for ECT, Electroshock therapy, which alarmed me at the time. I questioned this, and I was told, “Do you want your patient to heal?” I was put on the spot, and I didn’t know that much about ECT. Now that years have passed I see them using it for mania, depression, catatonia and even schizophrenia. I was concerned about the safety factor, but I see also, now psychotropic drugs often have high risk factors. As I said, whatever works. If we have to go to what seems to be extremes to heal, so be it.

Healing II

Visualization/Dreams

We have out there many tools nowadays at our fingertips to use to get healed, use them. One is visualization. Tap into imagery, your imagination, and your dreams. Maybe this sounds odd, but it’s a way of healing also. I came from the poor side of town one might say, my grandfather being an immigrant from Russia. My brother and I feeling it was a miracle we made it out of the boiling pot to a life of normality. We lived in neighborhood considered the highest crime area in St. Paul, Minnesota in the l950’s and l960’s. I visualized getting out of that place, getting a degree, traveling, writing, and I did just that. I’ve traveled 24-times around the world; this is my 14th book I wrote, I got two degrees and one license. I wanted to make a certain amount of money, and I tripled it. You can become what you visualize, but first you got to put away childish things. There’s a time for everything under the sun, it has been said, and this is the time you now can become all that you want or can.
As we start to heal from our stress and chemical use, we can start planning our continued form of healing, plus it keeps us busy.

The brain creates the images, such as dreams, your self-image. Tell yourself there is no one on earth better than you, maybe they have a different role in life than you and your responsibilities, but the person next to you shits just the same way you do, with his pants down. This is a good start. Now let’s move on. Rehearse if you need to, but get it right, visualization can be used for changing behavior. Use affirmations.
Think of it as being born-again, that is, as a recovering adult, meaning free of drugs, and our system needs to relearn, especially communicational skills, for they have diminished. When you visualize be in a relaxed position. We’ll get back to communicational skills later. Let me tell you a story. When I was working in a clinic as counselor and General Manager of the facility, I often took my group of 10-to-13-group members [all with addiction issues] put them in a circle, lower the lights, tell them to shut their eyes and listen to my voice and the story. Somewhere in the story I had a hidden message for them, when I got to that point I would shout it out, and then go back to my low calm voice. Call it hypnotic-visualization. After the exercise I asked the group what they remembered, and 90% would say the shout. This was the element I wanted imbedded into their memory.

If I am correct, the right side of the brain, that is, the right hemisphere is related to visual, creativeness, symbolic and emotions. The other side is the more logical. This leads us into the bizarre area of dreams. At a few of the locations I’ve worked I’ve been asked by staff as well as patient about their dreams, as well as friends. I try to avoid this area, but it must be looked at to heal none the less.

Dreams

First dreams are very subjective and personal; in those we have definition or description and interoperation. Some great thinkers have said they come in the form of fears, desires and wishes. But if we do not know the person’s past, for sure, we end up fishing. Like in counseling, the patient already has the answers inside of him or her, our job is simply to pull them out for them to identify, not to inform them this is the way it is, and then write it in stone.
Dreams are formed in the right hemisphere of the brain, in the subconscious, but when we look at them, we are conscious are we not, and that is in the left side of the brain, the conscious side. Something already tells me we got confusion going on in the translation world. And so we got symbols and God knows what else to analyze. If only one could jump into a person’s subconscious right hemisphere while you are asleep, I’d have your dream analyzed in seconds. But that is not the way we heal. Unless we get lucid dreaming, meaning both the dream and the dreamer are connected somehow.
Dreams may very well give us a picture of our self-image, along with messages for survival. Let me tell you another story. When I was working at a hospital, a nurse asked me once why she was having this recurring dream. And she gave me a good background. She said, she was standing by a burning coffin, and her mother was in it. And she had a cigarette in her hands. Well, I had found out with her history, her mother had just died, of lung cancer, of which she contributed to smoking.
I asked, “Might it not be you are seeing a future reflection of yourself,” she thought and said, “I smoke, and I am very fearful of it now. Maybe this is a message.” Whatever it was, she decided to stop smoking, and some time later she confirmed with me she was not having the nightmares anymore, whatever floats the boat baby. But she already had the answer inside of her.

Healing III

Communications

Yes we need to work on this area to heal. For myself I went to Toastmasters, but that was because I needed the skills for doing lectures which was very helpful. For about a year I attended. As recovering people we need to re-learn this skill often; reading can help as well as rehearsing and editing ourselves as we start to communicate with the outside world again, the proper way.
When I look back at my clients as they plow through the recovery or treatment stages, I can see myself trying to inform them on a number of things needed. Such as “Attitude”; you got to talk even if you do not want to. Once when I was counseling a woman, she was so scared she sat on her hands but she did not let that paralyze her, she got involved and talked.
You can not heal if you can not talk it out.
You need to “Listen”; there is nothing worse than saying, “What did you say.” And one more big one, “Eye contact”. You ever get that person that says, “I really enjoy your company,” while looking over your shoulder at another person. Or as you start to look up as you tell your story, and the counselor is looking at his watch. Forget it, the client lost his will to talk, and the Counselor lost his job. But this is about healing. Give them at least these three elements. If they do not give you the respect back, fire them.

Healing IV

Happiness

I think we talked about this in brief somewhere within this book. So I will make this short, but sweet. I did say happiness is a byproduct before, not a pleasure. It is like love or hate; you make a choice to be happy or unhappy. It is a way of life for the most part. It is one of those things like values. They belong to you; happiness is not mixed up with problems in general, they come and go like emotions.
For me happiness is living in the moment, grabbing all the life out of each day; you know we have no claim on life; enjoying the big and the little things. Being at peace with God, myself, and all those around me; I may not like their behavior, but I do not hate anyone, even those who have done me wrong.
Most people who are happy have certain traits or qualities; such as truthfulness, giving and intentions. Let me explain quickly. I once worked at a place where one of the supervisors was going to fire someone, and asked me for my advice. She said she was going to give him a chance to resign, after saying the person violated a “Trust” issue. Meaning the person lied to her. My response was, “Are you not doing the same?” In other words, she was producing a lie. You see, the truth of the matter was, if he had lied about his situation, then resigning was not the thing she should be offering, or for that matter, in order.
In this fish bowel where I worked there was greed for one person, jealousy for another and hate for another; and yes, among the leading staff. They were not happy. And that is why to recover we must work on healing.
Giving is another attribute that should be looked at in this area. Share yourself, give what you can, there is a world out there of people. Appreciation, show it.
Intention, that is to try and get above unhappiness. I acquired Multiple Sclerosis as I indicated before, which makes me moody at times. And it can be a struggle to stay happy, but I chose to. And I should thank my dear wife, friends, as well as past co workers and bosses for dealing with my moods; they have not always been the best, so thank you for putting up with me.
Anyways go out and find several happy people, and see what makes them tick. That might be the best way.

Note: If you’ve made it this far through the book, life is just before you, what to do with it is up to you. This is only a book, not a magic wane.

Ω

Summary and Conclusion:

Smoking Cigarettes: another addiction I have not mentioned yet, for it has the same addictive force as heroin. It has tolerance levels like alcoholism, and compulsive-obsessive behavior, -- like eating disorders, it is a drug that has both depressant and stimulant qualities. But to start this summary off lets look at smoking and work our way down to drugs.

My mother smoked for 40-years, and I for about 22. Of those 22-years I smoked, the last 10, I suppose about three packs a day. Now, that was 20-years ago when a pack of cigarettes were between $0.98 and $1.25 per pack. But now it is far from that; if I would have spent $7.00 per day on the cigarette smoking these past 20 years, I would have spent $56,000 dollars. I like traveling so that would have been about 18-round-trips to Paris, hotel and all.
Like the alcoholic, the smoker is preoccupied along with being obsessed and here again there is a body change over we were talking about in QD. As we all should know, cancer is directly linked to smoking. Yet in spite of its consequences we continue to smoke. It is a little god hiding in a little corner of our mind.

One last word on cigarettes, is that, after I quite I took note of other people smoking [don’t we all], and I was amazed at things I never noticed before, and I give the cigarette companies credit, especially the advertisement area. Here is a thing that smells bad, gets into all your cloths, curtains, cars, bedding, sofa; a thing that tastes bad, dries your mouth, and I hear ages you. A thing that causes cancer, which is plastered all over the pack, yet we continue to smoke. Why.
The advertisement industry has out done them; they really have, and should get a gold medal. They have packaged up an addictive product to look pretty damn good. Just look at the designs, the silver lining, and colorful packaging; that my friend is psychology 998, graduate stuff. When they are done with the designing, and giving it an honorable name, it looks like only kings are allowed to smoke that brand, but you are lucky today because the industrial revolution has brought to your foot steps this amazing grade A+ Command Cigarette, and you must surely true; and we rush, rush to be the next king.
They make them like cars now, a brand for every kind of person; long, small, fat, slim; and colorful, white, brown, black. Strong, mild, cools. You name it, they probably got it.
Can you blame them? The industry; now you are saying, “This guy is taking the other guys’ side.” No, but I know human nature, if you could sell those damn cigarettes and make a million dollars a day, you most likely would. I know I would have. I would have justified it as, ‘If they are that dumb enough to put that shit in their mouths, and let them do it.’

Addiction

Addictions, like alcoholism or smoking cigarettes are both disease-related in their own right, and in the sense it causes craving and withdrawals. Their most noticeable signs being “Tolerance”, which I will explain in a minute [how much can you take until the system changes and needs more to produce the same desirable effects you are after]; and again, a very prominent sign being withdrawals. And we get out of this, addictive behavior which we have previously looked at.
In summary the addicted person is obsessed and preoccupied. He craves like all addictions make you do, and the person is in a state of denial of his/her usage, and will use distortions, generalizations and deleting to justify their continued use. You know what kind of excuses I’m talking about, i.e., “Everyone drinks,” or, “I only had a few with the boys,” when you had 20 beers, and five-shots; and that good old deletion, “I only stopped at one bar,” but you really forgot to mention the other three. It is just part of the make up, isn’t it; part of the addiction, we are liars, and very good at it. We are pros at manipulation, getting pity, and looking as if nothing is wrong.
As I have shown before, the thing that produces addiction is a make up of chemicals. In smoking it is tobacco, with its many addictive chemicals, to include the infamous nicotine, and the not so known acetaldehyde. And again like the disease concept TIQ’s are involved, much like morphine is involved.

Tolerance

Tolerance in a nutshell is what it took to satisfy your alcoholic or smoking body from craving yesterday, will take more tomorrow; that is, as it gets acclimated to its new environment, it will take more of the drug to produce the same effects that made your pleasure before. You might use heroin injection of 8 grams a day for an example. It will take 9 in the near future, and so on.

One more word on Tolerance, there is three sides to tolerance, not that you really got to know, but it might come in handy trying to figure out a person’s behavior. One side is the one I just got through explaining, we shall call it Side One, where it takes more of your choice of substance tomorrow to get the same effect as today. Side Two, says, you system is so saturated, and it’s been that way for soooooooooo long, we have a reverse of tolerance-effect. Meaning, it takes less to get drunk today, then it did yesterday. And we got Side Three, that says you have either never drank, or have been off it for sooooooooo long, you get drunk immediately.
So if you are saying, “Man, my husband is getting drunk off three-beers, or 4-shots of whiskey, he is living off he fat of his alcoholic history.

Note: did you know 85% of women in substance abuse programs are victims of domestic abuse. That it cost some four-billion dollars a year to treat the four million domestic assaults happening in the USA today. And that we have something like 2500-deaths a year related to domestic violence.
And I sense when we see the tolerance of alcohol go up and down the scale of the US, we will witness domestic violence go up and down, they are interrelated. Try and reduce your tension, for it is like a fire not but out. They are the roots of violent happenings. High levels of stress can lead to anger, which product violence.

Eating Disorders

We only touched on this subject of eating disorders in the book but let me also close this area by saying, in the USA with this disorder now—and I speak unofficially—Bulimia and Anorexia patients are obsessive with weight and appearance. There are signs to this that should alert you parents, like there are for smoking and alcoholism, these people who have eating issues, can no longer stop doing what they are doing than an addict. I witnessed time and again this in the hospital. There are many similarities I’ve noticed, such as overwhelming drives [obsessive-compulsive behavior]. And like most things in this world there are underlining issues, unresolved issues. The situation is normally not the main issue; it is the problem under it that we got to come to terms with. There are normally those tell-tail signs such as stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil, etc.

Anorexia Nervosa

Let’s take a quick look at Anorexia Nervosa. I will call this a nervous-condition to starve the body of food, yet cherishing the flavor. If you have a fear of gaining weight, an image of your body being distorted and your period stops for no reason, look into his area. I do not pretend to be well learned in this area. But I have worked with young people in the hospital in this area. Actually they have taught me more than I taught them, I just happened to be there for them, and maybe in doing so, they helped me understand it better.

Drugs

In closing up this summary, and for the most part the book concerning recovery and prevention, to a path that leads to sobriety, I want to bring out some drug issues. We have looked at many elements involved in a person’s life that happens to get into the world of addiction, and I have used a vast assortment of them myself. Although I have 13-years in the clinical chemical dependency background area, I’ve treated more drug patients than alcoholics, especially in the past eight-years.
Often times the pattern of addiction I witness starts off as recreational use, like a young cigarette smoker who continues to smoke and then gets an appetite for more; it kind of grows on you. In a like manner, the drug scene is the same. And so is the sex scene. We just do not start out to say, “Let’s become addicts today,” but before you know it, you are; and then it takes a half or quarter life time to get out of the mess, if you ever do. Drug addicts just do not get old.
The main goal of drug use besides pleasure is being on top that is, being in an ‘altered consciousness state,’ not addiction. But along with this comes experimenting with drugs only to find out like Elvis, they cannot be used without good reason, and usually without having side effects. I remember reading somewhere Elvis was taking pills to sleep and pills to stay awake, and pills to do most everything what you would expect a normal human to do without pills; his prescription drugs, which many people become addicted to, possessed him. I liked Elvis, like it says, 50-million people can’t be wrong; he had a good voice, and was a great entertainer. It was very sad to see him die. I was on a street corner in l977, in West Germany, by a small city I was stationed at, when I heard about his death, I walked in circles for about 20-minutes trying to get out of the shock-mode. I got mad at the doctors that were caring for him, blaming everyone but him. But you know we can’t point fingers all day, unless some one is shoving them drugs down your throat, it is really up to you to turn your back to them, to be responsible users.
We use drugs for many reasons, anxiety, shyness, lack of confidence, and fitting in, etc, we have as many reasons as we have people using. My son once drank 12-shots of whiskey to fit in with his group of young people, I think he was 15 or 17, something like that. His twin brother got him to the hospital, thank God, and I joined him there later. I think he got the message that day to slow down. He is 30-years old now, doing fine. Some of us live long enough to grow out of it and some of us do not.
Opium, the discovery of LSD, hallucinations, ecstasy, recreational SOME SAY, BUT DANGEROUS NONE THE LESS.

Make Up/the Root

I do not want to get too technical, but the root of the drug is the atoms which form a molecule, taken from plants, which most professional drug users know anyways. Well they also come from animals. Now the antibiotics come for various users. They reabsorbed into the blood stream; absorption is the key word here, they are absorbed into the body—the system you might say. Now prolonged absorption is what I was talking about in Quantum-dependency for better or worse, the hormones and endorphin areas will react—i.e., absorption of nicotine; if you’ve smoked and tried to quite, it is not easy. In a like manner, what do you think the drug addict is going through? You can transform yourself, just like a butterfly, or like a snake shedding its skin, pick which one you want.

Counselors: For alcoholics you got to make a change, in doing so you may get a little off track during the process at as I’ve told my clients often, find something you like to replace your addiction with. That is addiction is what you are grieving [giving up—i.e., pot]. You can not expect a patient to give up something unless you can replace it with something better, why would he give it up if it was the best thing in his life. As a counselor you got to tap into that; there are no counselors that are heroes in this business, only clients and patients that can end up being heroes, so don’t sit back too far in the fat chair, and don’t get out of it.

If you were to ask me what is better than drinking, I’d say traveling. Now what do I do to avoid drinking, I keep busy, go to movies, I like them. I like reading and writing. I like money. I like seeing the results of my work, you might say, immediate gratification. Working as a Case Manager at a half way house gives you very little of that, but as a counselor it’s the opposite. Except you often have to avoid the no-it-alls in the business—I think the staff team in such places need more help than the inmates. And believe me they can get on a high with power. This too can be an addiction. But what goes around…ends up sometimes freeing you. You thought it had a different ending, fooled yaw.

Some of the other things I enjoy is quiet time, boxing matches, cock fights, karate matches, bullfights, sumo wrestling. I’m kind of a one on one sports person; these group sports like football, basketball, hockey, basketball, men playing with men, and men watching men, is not quite my thing. But I guess it is for most of the world around me, so there must be something in it, not sure what. My brother likes football and my son likes baseball.

Some of the ingredients for change may come in the form of humility; tolerance, flexibility, and reflection [take your inventory, not your neighbors]. This was supposed to have been a pocket book but I think it is turning out to be a fat one, if anything.

A Note [afterward]:

Believe it or not, but in a short period of time we looked at many areas in addiction, and recovery, not only for the user, or abuser, the dependent, and the co-dependent, a loved one; but for you, the reader that may not be one of the above. In this corner of the world, it is dark. History is what it is made of, what happened but it does not take into account the cause, the why of the problem. Yes it is what happened, what was seen, but that is where history stops. What you can do now is size up the situation that is the drug and alcohol problem; the addiction problem. Take some action, if it is intervention, rehabilitation, psycho-social therapy so be it; or psychological testing, get it. Whatever it takes do it; take care of yourself, you are no good to anyone until you do.
This book was not meant to punish, judge or even scold the user, reader, or co-dependent. For some it will be a reminder of where they know they are headed, that being, for the user a black hole. For the co-dependent, a tag along, she will become sicker.
For the couples, they will need recovering; the anger, hurt, bitterness, shame and guilt need to be looked at. Blaming needs to stop. Start forgiving yourself, let go. Create affirmations for yourself to replace those old digs you gave yourself. Actually forgiveness is the best revenge, I hate to put it that way, but it is. You forgive others for yourself.
Remember life is not made up of All or Nothing thinking it is not black or white, or perfect. We fail, we fall, but we get up. That is what life is made of.
We as users are so used to disqualifying the positive, only to hang onto the negative, why. Ask yourself why. And we like to jump to conclusions. Slow down, look, listen and do not act on emotions, but thinking. If I acted on my emotions, I’d be jumping up and down all day.
We as users like what is called magnification. Oh yes, we exaggerate the importance of things. Let’s stop torturing ourselves. This emotional reasoning that says I feel it there for it must be, is a bunch of crap.
People will label you for a while, and mislabel you, but so what, you have already walked through the valley of death my friend, tell them to move over, make room you’re on your way home; no more needs to be said.
Do not get back into personalization. You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event you are not responsible for. All these things are in our make up. You have a big job ahead of you, but one step at a time, and as the saying goes, “One day at a time,” and if need be one hour at a time, and you will be surprised that the list of things will go down,
Down,
And away.

And now I must let you go, I have another world to join. I can’t stay in this one too long. It somewhat depresses me. I lived it too long. Getting out of it was a gift of God, I do start to panic when I think of going back into this obsessive world where gambling, sex and everything you can think of in the addictive world is formed into automatic addictive responses.
Many alcoholics, after recover, and drug addicts turn to compulsive gambling, thinking they are getting away with something. Shifting gears my friend, you are simply trying to disassociate with your prior addiction. Oh yes, like I said before, no pain, no gain. And gambling is no game eeeeeeee, it is insane behavior. You chase the loss, only to end up broke and the stories goes on and on, just ask a professional, you know, someone like you. Someone like me, I’m a professional-alcoholic [was].
And so, I am happy to have done this book. I do not think I ever used that word before, “HaPPYYYYYYY” in doing a book. A simple word; happiness is good for self-esteem, so I guess I must be doing it for myself and you. If I do not make a dime, so be it, it is not part of my general make up at the moment. Maybe you got nothing out of this book, if that is so, well, you didn’t spend an earth shaking amount of money for it so you will live.
Remember self-love does not have to be earned, because it is given. Mans’ deepest need is salvation; put another way, the separation from God is what bothers him. I remember when I walked out of the bar for the last time, I looked up in the wet sky put my hands up to God and said, “Not another night like this, going in circles, make it stop.” Then I told myself, if I could have one day of sobriety with God, and then He could send me to hell, it all would be worth the trip. You know, my time here on earth. I meant it. I have learned strong self-love, it gives you high morality, a sense of family, good interpersonal relations, more production on the job, less chemical addictions, involvement in social and other activities, and the list goes on.
Guard your heart. Now having said that I got to goooooooooo, I mean it this time. If you ever see me say hi, I’ll try and be friendly. If I’m not, simply remind me, “You must be having a bad day,” that will wake me up, and you know, we do have bad and good days. Bye.

Just a little poem to cheer you up:

The Poem:

The Last Drink
[6:00 PM November 14, 2002]

♫

If I died tomorrow
[And you to]
The Stock Market wouldn’t change

Baghdad would care less

Argentina’s economic
Recovery wouldn’t
Blink an eye

The world’s steel issues
Would still be News

The Financial Times
Would still print
Their next issue

The Pope wouldn’t say
A prayer for my soul
[Or yours]

And I doubt I’d sell
Any more books today
Than tomorrow

◊

And so what really matters
Is what the big question is?
For You and I

The future,
What does your time?
On earth mean

It matters for you and me

Whatever it is
It’s got to be good enough
For when you wake up

And you are dead
Good enough needs to mean peace
So you can sleep

There is no replay button.

End of This Part of the Book

Annexes:

Two Articles on Chemical Dependency Counseling
[The writer is a license counselor through the State of Minnesota at present/ and was an International CCDCR, counselor in this area at the time of this writing, and publication of these articles; this writer was also a Sr. Counselor for dual disorders]

Writings of Dennis L. Siluk

Note: These articles were published in the C.D. Professional Magazine “Institute for Chemical Dependency Professionals of Minnesota“, as indicated [ re edited and compiled for Publication by iUniverse, 1/2002].

1) Article one: “Prevention in the Correctional Field, “by Dennis L. Siluk June, l996
2) Article two: “Providing Education to Your Clients,” by Dennis L. Siluk September, l996

Prevention in the Correctional Field

The continuum of care doesn’t stop when an inmate gets put on the Work Release and Relapse Program. The Federal Bureau of Prisons requires what is called: “Aftercare”. Not aftercare in the meaning that the inmate has gone through previous treatment, which one may naturally think, but Aftercare in the sense of “Prevention.”

Just what does all of this mean? Prevention comes in many forms. One form is Primary which can be outlined as:

“…protect the individual…
Operate on a personal as well
As a community bases… (From
Using)”.

This is very important to us as Case Managers and CD Counselors in a Halfway House. We are only allowed 30-minutes per week [to counsel the inmate] and must identify any potential relapse dynamics in the making.

Consequently, it is important to insure that the inmate’s Emergency Prevention Plan is intact. With the demands of this kind of Aftercare, it is important to monitor the relapse stages as well. That is to say, where does he/she fit in: transition, stabilization, early, middle or late recovery and to see where his or her beliefs are.

Prevention is no good unless you know who you are talking to.

The demands in this area are to create a workable program for the client through Aftercare, dealing with issues, problems, and education,--focusing on relapse prevention. We utilize support group attendance, alternative activities, 12-step review (for stabilization), assignments if needed, and general counseling- yes, all in that little 30-minutes.

We are their advisor, advocate, consultant, teacher, and counselor; our job is to harness a potential wild horse before it loses control and gets outside of the corral.

The forms of Prevention often utilized are secondary and Tertiary, meaning: “…identifying people in early stages of chemical dependency”. More severe cases take UA’s and BA’s randomly, hoping to counter and detour the compulsive user from using chemicals. In addition, we may have to take such measures as having the individual assigned to a detoxification or different institutionalization [facility] which might be better equipped to handle the ongoing user.

With all of this in mind, prevention is no good unless you know who you are talking to (which includes gender, race, age, and ethnic factors).

Perhaps they don’t know it, but we are their advisor, advocate, consultant, teacher, and counselor. Our job is to harness a potential wild horse, before it loses control and gets outside the corral.

Providing Education to Your Clients

Are you recovering? How is your program? Is your emergency Prevention Plan in order: Do you have one: Do you know what it means? If your client can not answer these questions or even identify these concepts, they are surely headed for relapse.

Many of my clients coming out of a 40 to 500 hour prison treatment program can not identify with recovery concepts. A little care to make sure our clients know recovery concepts saves them a lot of frustration in the future.

I hear all the time, “I’m recovered, I haven’t drunk or used in all the 4 years I’ve been incarcerated! How can I not be recovered if I am not using?” I tell them, I’ve been sober for 12-years and I have to redefine my definition of ongoing recovery every day.

I ask them, “Are things balanced in your life? Have you grown? Do you understand your life better? Have your values changed?” I say to them, if you can answer yes to these questions, then you know about recovery.

But many prison clients have the expectation that if they don’t use, everything will be O.K. Reality is that if you are not working a program, you most likely will return to using. Let me add here that I have nothing against prison programs (state, federal, or county - I’ve seen a few, and some are very good) but more than a few need to wake up.

We, as counselors, need to provide more explanations to inmates/clients about the philosophy of recovery. They need to understand that it is a way of life--a career if you will--not a collection of tricks to stay sober.

We must explain that recovery has beliefs and stages. We need to let them know that being recovered does not mean that you are forever recovered. It means that you can never use safely again and that is why we call it recovering.

Clients need to understand that recovery is a way of life - not a collection of tricks to stay sober.

Another idea I try to develop in addition to listing things that trigger your using, or set myself up for a fall, is that initial recovery is a transition, a reentry, dealing with feelings, recognizing emotions, handling them, planning your day, and then after that, the work continues.

Recovery is a developmental process. It is to find meaning and purpose in life without chemicals. Some get the picture; some don’t. Some nod their heads to appease me; some don’t bother. But when all is said and done, they all at least know what the darn word recovering means instead of guessing at what the beast really looks like.

◊

The Story of:

*”A Woman in Pain” was take out as indicated in the front of the book at the last minute because the author felt it could be counter productive for the recovering reader, and for prevention measures, but can be read in the book “Chasing the Sun,” by the author; which is about a 15-page story, here are some exerts from 4-different pages of the story.

Exerts from the book:

“This story is somewhat graphic. It entails the pain of a woman in an ongoing drama; I call it circular pain. A death occurs in the family. An illness takes place. Torment and fear run around in circles. We are talking now of a period of time in a woman’s life; when, for the most part, she was successfully employed, yet disguised herself and family, children that is--as a solidly lower middle class happy family. Gracefully she kept the secret. It was far from a nurturing family, it was if anything a household filled."

Thinking: “Her inner self was analyzing the evening. “Hell,” she said to her spirit deep within her mind, “He’ll wakeup in the morning not remembering half what he did--a black out--and I’ll be left with the scars.
Even if I told people the way he was, what I had to put up with,” she thought, “they wouldn’t believe me.” And so she never did tell.”

“The past ten-years since he lost his job, Judy thought, as she prepared to make the eggs, he’s really done nothing except, drink, make fun of me and the kids; nothing at all but feels sorry for himself, while I bring home the check. And wonders why he has a weak heart.”

“… was not manipulative, genuine love. It is what a woman needs, love and appreciation, and touch. Not fucking, and turning eggs over.
She was furious inside. She needed to see a man’s tear, his if possible. Any man's would do. She had almost lost all her self-respect, self worth because of a man. “Do men cry?” She questioned herself. “I want to see” She prayed. “One tears to show me the human race in man’s kingdom has a tear, anyone out there with a man tear,
A
MAN
T
E
A R R R R.

Is not all me alike. It can’t be so. ‘No… No…’” she told herself.”

٭

End of the book