A Path to Sobriety [Volume I/in English]

A Common Sense Book on Understanding Alcoholism and Addiction


A Path to Sobriety
The Inside Passage





A New Concept for Understanding Addiction

“Quantum-Dependency”


By Dennis L. Siluk





Copyright January, 2003
All Rights Reserved

First Edition


Picture of the author on back cover, he is out
Four-miles on the Mendenhall Glacier, Alaska
At a point where it is 400-feet thick 7/2000


Books by the Author


Out of Print Books

The other door: Poetic Exhortations
The Tale of: Willie the Humpback Whale
The Safe Child/The Unsafe Child

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Books in Print

The Last Trumpet and the Woodbridge Demon
Angelic Renegades & Rephaim Giants
Mantic ore: Day of the Beasts

Tiamat, Mother of Demon
Gwyllion, Daughter of the Tiamat
Revenge of the Tiamat [in Spanish & English]

Everyday’s An Adventure
Chasing the Sun
Islam, In Search of Satan’s Rib
The Rape of Angelina of Glastonbury 1199 AD

A Path to Sobriety: The Inside Passage


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Forthcoming Books:

The Untold Story: Shamhat and
Gilgamesh: Demigod King of Uruk

Facing East
[A European Romance]


http://dennissiluk.tripod.com



The Artist

I would also like to thank Max A. Urteaga Alcalde, for the art work, the painting “The World and Myself,” [“El Mundo y Mi Yo”], on the cover of my book or should I say this book. It is the only painting of its kind, original, no other copies or prints have been made to this printing. Credit is given to the artist, for a job well done. Max lives in Lima, Peru, in the San Juan de Miraflores area; permission for his painting to be used was given on February 24, 2002. This author bought the painting with these stipulations.



Dedicated:

To the recovering people, to include the loved ones of the recovering for they have suffered the worse; and my wife Rosa.


Index:

1. Introduction to: “Path to Sobriety”
2. Chapter one: The Inside passage
3. Chapter two: It Came and Never Left
4. Chapter Three: Where we going, Where we been
5. Chapter Four: Behavior, Beliefs, and Disease
6. Chapter Five: Prevention, Stages and the Disease
*Quantum-Dependency [QD]
7. Chapter Six: Time, Patience, Behavior Modification, Healing
8. Summary and Conclusion: Smoking Cigarettes, Alcoholism,
Tolerance, Drugs and Eating Disorders
9. Note/Afterward
10. The Poem: “The Last Drink”
Annexes:

1. Two Articles on Chemical Dependency by D.L. Siluk
2. A short Story called, “A Woman in Pain” by dlsiluk *Note: the story was taken out at the last minute, prior to publication, simply because this is a book on recovery, and prevention for the most part, and the author’s story “A Woman in Pain,” that went for review by the Nimrod Award Committee could bring back bad memories [PTS], and it could be counter productive he felt.




A Path to Sobriety


Introduction

◊


When I added to the book the name: “The Inside Passage,” which I assumed it would be something as a sub-title; and what I meant was the subject has a long path, a long strait to it; flow of water, like the Inside Passage in Alaska. And the subject does. I guess somehow we all seem to run down this long passage way; the addiction way that is. Sometimes it is Alcoholism and sometimes drugs. And we can add food addiction [eating disorder], gambling [a compulsive disorder], and sex [an obsession], to mention the most prevalent that come to mind, and cigarette smoking. And maybe some people are lucky and never have to face this dilemma.
With all these addictions, we people that are addicted, end up planning out a life time of avoiding, dodging and slowly dying before our time. I do not want to start this book out with pointing my finger at anyone, or thing. If you have one of these disorders, you know what I’m talking about when people say, “Just quite,” if we could we would have. But we do things for certain results; and once caught in the web it is not so easy getting out of it, as the spider comes closer and closer.
We do not slowly destroy ourselves because we want to, but because we feel we have to, and yes, again it gives us something, otherwise we would never have started the damn addiction.
Having said that let me connect it to the following, for this fellow called Lucifer, or Satan, has played a wild card and won, it is called persuasion. Oh yes, you know the old story, he did it in the Garden of Eden, you know, tempting Eve with the apple. Some people have said it was a pear; I think they simply wanted to argue, not get down to business. Well he is still around. He believes in: get the person on some kind of kick, gig, you might say, and his system will do the rest of the work; and he is right, it works.
It reminds me when I was working at a freestanding facility, dealing with dual-disorder clients. Sometimes when they came in with depression and alcohol problems, smoking a pack of cigarettes a day, they’d leave the facility 30-days later smoking 3-packs, but the curse of alcohol was gone, or drugs. But you see, why do we not plant other seeds at the very same time they come through the doors, us counselors that is, we need to change, I did, and when they arrived, I told them they better not leave with a worse smoking habit than when they came here. It is counter productive.

God


Well, I have not touched much on God in this introduction, or have I much in the whole book, but He plays a big part in the whole operation of things, in this world of addiction that is. Go to AA once and you’ll find out. I did for three years every other day, and then I paced it to once a week, then to once a month, etc. And when you learn about the 12-steps, yes those famous 12-steps, they are real, and to some people powerful. There you will find God hanging out in the first three steps we call the “Control” steps. Control because addictive people like power and control, that is why they envy so much, and have so much jealousy inside of them. And the next several steps they call the “Action,” steps. You got to do something, make some movements, and the last three steps deal with maintenance, kind of like prevention, like keeping the house fixed up.
If you have a loved one who is not working the steps and is trying to recover, and has stopped his addictive patterns, and is saying to you, “Look, I’m a different man, I don’t use anymore.” And you say, “Yup, he is right, he has stopped using, but he sounds the same.” Now what do you suppose could be the problem now. It is called a dry drunk. Meaning, he took care of the first three steps in the 12-step program and found his higher power most likely, but did not work the action steps, got a little lazy did he? Yup, they are the ones that modify your undesirable behavior. That is why your man or woman is slumped over a chair, watching T.V. saying “What the fucks up now.”
My introductions are more like essays I suppose, but hang in there we’ll get to the end. So let us carry on. As I said in the beginning, or meant, God is a kind of science fiction thing to some people, meaning He is simply not there. But believe what you will, in my mind He is, and He is so kind, He is willing to help you even if you do not believe in Him. So if you want a door handle to be your higher power, or God so be it; but you can not be God, or your own higher power, that is forbidden and that is why you are or we’re still using. A higher power is simply someone bigger than you. So s/he can help you make it through the night [along with finding a friend, or sponsor to talk to]. If we had more friends to talk with, we’d need fewer psychotherapists, and counselors.
The saying “No man is an island,” will help you heal and deal with these first three god-steps, for it will make you reach out to other people so they can help you. We are simply human beings, no more, no less. Not islands isolated in never-never-land. As for being humans we have needs, and some times get them mixed up with wants; let me explain, needs are different than wants. I want a Cadillac, but need a car for work. So let’s work with the needs in this book.
One need is food, nourishment to regenerate ourselves. So eat wisely if you plan on healing right. And the reason I am saying this is because to heal from any addiction, we need a balanced life in these areas I’m going to try and explain. You eat because you are hungry, or at least that is what you should be doing, you do not eat because you are bored, if you do, you are putting too much into your system. This is not good physically or mentally. It will cause damage. In a like manner, we are social creatures and need social activity to keep a good balance in our basic ongoing life, that is, other people. And let me go on and say, we need to stimulate our minds, this can be done by prayer, or lectures, or simply reading, we can call this psychological stimulation. And then we have spirituality. We are creatures that need a God. It is imprinted on our genes; otherwise we wouldn’t be talking about Him so much, or looking for Him all the time, or for that matter, denying his existence so often.
If we get one need without the other, we are not a complete human being and we start looking for addictions; fill that void. We are like people carrying around a black hole in our pockets, and when we do not keep this balance I’m talking about, it starts to suck us in; like a black hole in the universe, sucking in all the waste of the universe as it slowing destroys the system. If you are lacking something, simply look behind you and you will find something you forgot to do; physically, psychologically, socially, or spiritually.
Life can be simple, alcoholics and drug addicts do not do know this that is why they make life tougher than it is. Drug addicts do not grow old, oh no, they die before that. We live in a complex world, with simple needs, and we seem not to have enough time to take care of these needs. Why? Because we are too busy taking care of our wants. Sing your own song your own way, but feed your body, mind and inner being what it needs, not what you want, first.


Ω


This book is not being written for the professional unless s/or he needs a reminder in the basic ongoing dilemma of the addiction world. It is being written as a hand-book for those who know very little about this field. A support book if you will, for the inflicted. It will take you inside the world of addictions that is all it will do. Research into any of the areas within this book is what you will need to do if you spot something that catches your eye and want to follow up on it, and you need or want to learn more about whatever it is you are looking for. You know the old saying, people say, “Wait, wait, I…yaw, I got it…!”, and then you turn the next page to see if the author has written more on this. Well, I didn’t write any more so don’t turn the pages looking for more.

I have 20-years of sobriety. And during my life I used for 22. I have been a counselor for 14-years, and in the helping field off and on for 30-years. I have two degrees, and license in this field. But I’ve learned in life, it really doesn’t matter how much you got, or know, until you show how much you care. And so if you are suffering because of an addiction, I empathize with you. It is a hell of a life you are living. People who do not fall into this addiction category will most likely not understand you, what you are going through, do not try and explain it to them, it is like throwing money into the wishing well, it will do little good. Just go for the action part, take care of yourself; show them, no need to tell them, seeing is believing. Unless you are using people so they will feel sorry for you, and you know very well, we do that don’t we? Or if we think it will help us get another drink, or fix, we use people. But we simply need to make a plan, a program of sorts, follow it, ask for help, and get the hell out of this Satanic-entangled web we found ourselves in. Now let’s get into the guts of the book.



1

The Inside
Passage



People have been looking at this thing called alcoholism ever since Noah planted his first wine vineyard some 6000-year ago. And I suppose they will continue to until they find his ark, and thereafter. The effects of alcohol, and for that matter drugs, provoke way beyond the measures you may think. Did you know many of the rapist and killers were in heavy use of alcohol and drugs when committing their crimes, to include Ted Bundy. Many Russian leaders were well known for their intoxication while making international decisions that would or could affect the whole world. Over two thirds of the US drinks; we could ask the question what for, and we’d get a mouthful of different answers. And most would say, “What’s the big deal.” Meaning, it is not a big thing to have a few. Some would say I need it to help me sleep; or a few after work with the boys, or at the football game, I mean that’s just how it is, they’d say. How about at the boxing matches, you’d get the same response I’m afraid, “It’s the way things are”.
I have worked in the field of addiction-counseling, along with dual disorders for close to 15-years. With all sorts of groups, such as, inmates, inpatient care, outpatient care. DWI programs for the state trying to screen and evaluate if this or that person should be allowed to drive a car again. On one occasion, I had a client who had 13-DWI’s and was wondering, or should I say, hoping to get his license back; unbelievable.
I have counseled a number of inmates who have killed people because of drunk driving. Are you aware that you can get more time in prison for selling pot than killing someone while driving drunk. Well, it is very true.
I have learned in my field, and I believe, that the best way to help someone to recover for an addiction is to use “Whatever it takes.” And that goes for sex-addiction, gambling [in which I’m also certified], food disorders, etc.
Some drunks, come to me and having heard about the “Control,” concept [or model], want to try and sober up according to that. For the most part, it is allowing the client to drink a certain amount per week, for example, 12-drinks a week, at no more than three setting, and having no more than 4-drinks per setting. In most cases this does not work, it only irritates both the counselor and the client. But for those who are not addicted and have gone through a hard time, and started drinking with seeing no end in sight, and before their body gets too accustom to it, try this, and it may work. Often times these people make it through the divorce or whatever issue is pending and slide back into reality.
It is like when I was in Vietnam. Most of the people there in my Company were either on some kind of dope, [like heroin or pot] or on alcohol [beer, whisky or wine]. The media hyped it up to show the world all we had in Vietnam was a bunch of young kids on drugs, and that when they came home, they brought with them the alcohol and drug disease into their environment. When in reality, after close review, the majority went right back to their old ways, which was casual chemical use; minus the 8% severe alcoholics; and the drug addicts. Matter of fact, the American drug usage now is higher than it was back then, and I see the media has given up on blaming the military service for it.
I say, “Whatever works,” because if you have ever gone down the Alaskan Inside Passage [the Steven Strait], you would use whatever it took to make it to your destination. And that was always my concept for my client. I believe the counselor must be genuine to be able to do his job. No client cares how much you know, or have, until you show how much you really care. And like a dog, or child, or horse, they know when you are lying. They can sense it throughout their bones. So don’t try to fool them, their professional users.


Choices


As we get deeper into the alcoholic, drug and addiction scene, his thinking and behavior, we have to look at but choices are at the top. He or she surely made some bad ones, people would say. But in most cases they made simply choices they didn’t know had such startling ramifications. It is fair to say, I doubt they would have made them had they the knowledge they had later on in life. But we are not born with this knowledge, it has to be learned.
Choices come in three dimensions: rules, results and responsibilities. As I look back I say to myself, I didn’t know the rules, nor what the results would be, and I was really too young and wild to see responsibilities. I was like most young people when I started my usage. But let’s not get side tracked. I made choices none the less. I have learned now that my results to use never made other people happy. I never played fair, so if there were rules, I could have cared less, especially after drinking for a long period of time. It is what drugs and alcohol does to a person, makes them choices evaporate.
Like standing in front of a train you need to make a decision to move. And you say, I’ll think about it. Well my friend, the train is coming, and you have made a choice, and the choice is to stand and get hit. That was my decision, my choice, I got hit by the train, and maybe you did, but I got off the tracks, how about you?
I have learned now to ask myself if my choices will hurt anyone. If so, maybe I should rethink them. Also, can I go public with my decision, my choices, if not, maybe I should review it. Also does my choice or decisions, support my pledge, my promise to other persons? This comes of course under trusting, or put another way responsibility.

And so as I have gotten into the counseling business, being licensed in the State of Minnesota, and through an International Certification board, with 20-years sobriety now or was it 19, I have leaned that same old things, behaviors, I just keep repeating, and so I keep working on them when they pop back up, and say to myself, “Whatever it takes, that is what I need to do”. And that is what you must do if you are a drunk, or addict. Or for that matter have any kind of an addiction.
If you are the one trying to learn about us drunks, keep reading; it never stops, but there is hope. We have to look at the nature of the beast before we do our planning. I used more alcohol than I did drugs, but I have hands on experience in both genders. And remember when you plan, follow through, for better or worse. I say this in particular to the co-dependent, more so than the addicted. You see, you are most likely sicker than the user. If you are saying, “What!” or “Why,” well, it goes something like this. Why would a healthy person stay with an unhealthy person? Usually they are like two peas in a pot. If you have been living with a user and you are not one, you are sick. Normally, the healthy stay with the healthy, and the sick with the sick, at least in this area of concentration.


Co-dependent


I do not want to get too much into this co-dependent concept, or theory. It has been stretched out, and I mean wwwwwwwwway out of proportion. Co-dependency is simply a person who is considered to have no life of his or her own. That is to say, every time you go around that person they talk about their mate. Not that this is bad in itself, for a sidekick-marriage it is good, and when there is no substance abuse going on, but it is a bad thing when the sidekick is in another world. You see, s/he is in a world of shadows, fog if you will. And you are not.
In essence, you are care-taking him most likely. You know, doing for him what he should be doing for himself; enabling him to use more. Enabling is another term used in the field of Chemical Dependency. Let me explain briefly. It means you are providing the means for him to use. Put another way, you are giving him money to get drunk, or buy his pot, or find his drugs. Don’t get scared with these terms, they are not written in stone. And when I explain them, it is the way I see them.
A co-dependent person will not talk about themselves usually, for they have no self-identity. Harshly but sadly true. They are sicker than the user, for their mental state is not drug induced but rather psychologically impaired.


Let me end this area with a short story. It is a true story, and I call it the Old Man and his Catch-Up Drinking. It has a little to do with the drinker and the co-dependent, and me. When I was in Alabama, while in the Army in the late 70’s, I asked a neighbor the question, “Who lived in the house next to me,” for at the time I was there it was a young couple, and their friends wanted to buy my house, I was being reassigned to Italy.
Well they told me it was an old man who died. They said he and his wife lived there raising their two kids. That he was a heavy drinker, and she threatened to leave him if he didn’t stop drinking. Well, to save the marriage he stopped, but was always angry thereafter, quite bitter. And then one day, his children left, and it was just him and his wife. He was now 62-years old. At this time his wife had gotten ill somehow, and she passed away. He then told his neighbors he had never wanted to stop drinking in the first place, and that he had waited 12-years for this day. And so he started drinking again.
Well, he drank, and drank and drank. Matter-of-fact he made up for lost time, and drank so much he died three years later.

Now you might be saying he was an old man anyways. Well, in the 70’s life expectancy were around 74 to 83 for men. My grandpa died in l974 at age 83. So I would guess statistics are pretty right. Take seven years off for stress, seven for drinking, seven for smoking, and so on. So if life for him was suppose to be, let’s say, 74, and he died at 65, he died 9-years early. And if it was 83, like my grand-pa, he died l8-years early. You see we really do not get away with much on this earth.

Now let me tell you my story. I stopped drinking to save my marriage. I didn’t stop for me, and this story about the old man didn’t help me much at the time even though I knew it; and when I quite for one year, my wife still left me for another man. Well, I said hell with it, I can’t win. So I started drinking, and believe me I made up for lost time. It is true what the AA people say, that when you quite and start up again, you make up for lost time. I drank three times as much as I did prior to my 1-year sobriety. In the over 20-years I drank, I never lost a job, and always paid my bills; but this time I lost everything, and I mean everything; job, car, etc. If it wasn’t for the kindness of my mother, whom gave me her back bedroom to sleep in, I would have ended up on the street; and most likely not writing this book.
Yes, I’ve come a long way, but it’s just part of the journey we all have to take in life. Go in your bedroom, get on your knees, tell God what he did for me he can do for you; all you need is a little faith, like a mustard seed, and the will to want to stop.


End of the Passage



And so you see the Inside Passage has many turns, and we are just getting started. Whoever you are, a person recovering either from drugs, alcohol, or co-dependent, and let me add sex addiction again, and gambling and eating disorders, what you dwell on is what you move on. Set goals and dwell on them, and move on them. Move toward your reward, freedom. What you see is what you get. And how you feel is how you are. Life can be simply, or complex. It is your choice. A winner feels like a winner. Make a decision, and make the dream come true. Get off the train track before the train hits you. Life is short at best, I’m sure you heard that before, but it is true.
Cause and effect, it works. Visualization, dream it and make it come true. Like yourself, and other people will start liking you. Self-worth is positive, so smile; it takes less facial muscles than a frown.



2

It Came and Never
Left



Chemical Dependency or alcoholism and drug addiction can have many colors to it, meaning, it just doesn’t stop after you get the pleasure you’re after; like gambling, you end up chasing it [so many similarities]. Oh yes, drugs and alcohol are not the happy pill you think they are, or expected they were, right? If you don’t know it now, you will need a little more pain to adjust your thinking, and in that world, there is a lot waiting. But they did give you something; otherwise you would not be on them. It is called instant pleasure that is different than happiness though. Happiness is a byproduct. And so many people call this high, a happy high; that my friend is bullshit. For example, you buy your child some candy frost at the fair, he or she smiles. That is happiness, and that is the byproduct. Now you get drunk, or you take the drugs and get high, what did you get? Was it that smile from your child, I don’t think so. But you did get something. And for that, you gave up the child’s smile, it is called instant pleasure. Suck it up because it doesn’t last long, and it knows you will be back for more.
We all have to pay our dues don’t we. We miss a few years of our children’s lives because of alcoholism, drug addiction, gamboling, and obsession to sex. But remember that is not the unpardonable sin. You can draw a line in the sand, and not look back. It is all you can do when it is all said and done. If you want to carry guilt and shame around the rest of your life, you can, it is again, a choice, a decision, like love. And if that is your choice and you’re reading this book, put it down and go get fucked up, you need some more pain my friend. And you will find it. And when you’ve had enough, come back and read the rest of the chapter, or book.

Let me tell you a quick story of a friend of mine who went to counseling school with me. His addiction was sex. Now I know you guys out there are saying, “That’s just normal.” No it isn’t, especially when you’re married, and having it in car, and movie theaters, and behind grocery stories, and in your bedroom when the wife is gone, and that is just in one day. Now you wake up in the morning and go for day two. Yes, you get the picture, it doesn’t stop. And you got to have money, and planning, and Lord knows what else. My friend could tell you the facts on who would and who wouldn’t go to bed with you in a matter of minutes; or at least let you know what your odds were.
It destroyed his marriage [trust], and that is when you know it is bad. Sex is good, and that is what God intended it to be, but when it is simply a compulsive reaction for a quick high, relief, pleasure, and you have a wife at home, why destroy a family. Again, it is part of the addiction cycle, which destroys everything in its path. You say it is my life, let me do with it as you please. I suppose we have to, but let me add, you infect all the people around you in one way or another, unless some one can pick you up by helicopter and drop you off in the middle of the Arctic and you have no one around you to infect but them big white bears, and I’ve been in the Arctic, they are bbbbbbbbig.

†

We will talk later on the Medical Model, where alcoholism is viewed as a disease, and here and there we will look at the Psychosocial Model, where alcoholism treatment emphasis is on resolving psychosocial problems, and positive coping strategies. And one can look at AA, or group participation and psychotherapy to help them, which for the most is stating what I am stating, to heal you must “Let go” and “Take Hold.” Psychotherapy can involve behavioral models such as classical and operant conditioning, family therapy; as I said whatever works. But at the end of the road, it is simple, let go and take hold, remember that, a psychotherapist will charge you a lot of sessions which will cost a lot of money to learn that simple saying. But if you need one, find one remember also what I said, “Whatever it takes.”

In this chapter the alcoholic is an alcoholic as is the drug addict. For some reason they, you and I got hooked. It came and it stayed with us. And now we need to look at it, conquer it. Get rid of it. To the onlooker, the person not addicted, I’m not sure what you’re doing here, but as long as you’re staying make sure at the end of the road you save yourself; for you’re no good to anyone being unhealthy, if you got one of us in your life. Remember healthy people are around healthy people, when the day is done, that is. Having said that, let’s look at how we got here, our disorders. I do not want to oversimplify anything, but on the other hand I do not want this book to be a hard read. And so please bear with me if I forget to explain a term here or there.

Who me?


It didn’t happen over night my friend, just simply look back. Actually that is a good way to find out where your depression came from, if you have a dual disorder, like depression, anxiety, manic [or bipolar], etc. No one started out to be an alcoholic or drug addict one day. You know what I mean, no one woke up and said one morning, “Lets see how this all works, and I’ll be an alcoholic, it sounds like I’ll get a lot of sympathy.” No that is not how it works.
Once I was asked to give a lecture on the Disease Concept to a group of individuals who felt for the most part, alcoholics were simply weak minded people not wanting to quite, I call them non-believers in the Disease Concept. You know those kind, especially if you are an alcoholic, or for that matter, chemically dependent. The concept goes something like this. They all say you have a weak mind, when it is a weak system. Most Alcoholics are high energy people, with over average intelligence. Many were rich at one time, but lost it to their addiction. So don’t tell me that crap, they had a weak mind what it really is, is a way for the other person to deal with something they do not want to deal with, and the sad part is every one there at the lecture hall I bit knew someone in their family who in someway was dealing with this disease; you know why, let me tell you, they were like atheist, you know, the ones that say they do not believe in God, yet they all talk about Him and got their thesis ready on the subject. If there was a disorder called ignorance, they had it. But I will not be too hard on them. Their system is different than ours.
It is hard to tell a 15-year old not to drink because of what might happen, that is just like trying to tell an adult the disease concept. We are not all made the same if we were we’d be robots.
For alcoholics your body takes a different route than most peoples do, and IT acquires a liking for the substance, name it alcohol. And so the body changes over. I will explain this concept in more detail later, but again for the non-addicted, it will do little good, I’ve tried it a hundred times only to look at your faces and get the big eyebrow in the air as if I’m talking horseshit, so don’t read that part but for the sake of this paragraph let me say, when it changes over, you become what it makes of you.
Like a deer. If you kill one that ate corn or eats corn on a daily diet, it will taste different from the one you may kill in the woods who has eaten from the wild. What I am saying is the body actually changes over. Every hunter knows this, and if he doesn’t, you’ve been in your hut too long, or you are still up in the tree. What you put into your body makes a difference. Anyways, the fact being, no one started out being an alcoholic, and you just didn’t become one over night. Your system changes over time. Out of the US population, about 8% of the 70% that use alcohol are chronic users. Out of that about 3% will get treatment and out of that about 60% [1.7%] will be saved from the chemicals deadly death.
Four out of five people in prison, their crimes were drug or alcohol related. That is to say, either they were using, or selling at the time of the crime. When I started working with inmates, the prison population was around 900,000 [State and Federal]; at the end of the seven year period, it was over 2-million. At about $45,000 per year to keep an inmate in prison, we are spending a lot of money. Use it for the war on terrorism, save the tax payer. What is a crime today was not yesterday, that is in the l960’s when I lived in San Francisco, everyone was smoking pot in the parks freely. Matter-of- fact, many medical journals advocated its use, as do many ads’ advocate the used of alcohol. But we do not need to point fingers at people, or the law enforcement industry that are just doing their job, or for that matter, the government. What we need to do is give the person in need help. Talk to our legislatures, change some laws.
We give the poor food, why not the addicted help. We feed over 400,000-million people from starving in other countries a year. And put our people in prison who need help. Give him tools to learn by, that is what he needs; he has had enough punishment, give him help. Pretty soon we will have more people in prison than paying taxes. We pay for the kids to have swimming pools at schools, why can’t we pay to have the addicted re-programmed.
When I worked with the prison population a few of my comrades used to say, I gave too much understanding, empathy to the addicted, compared to the uninflected; being a counselor and a Case Manager. They were right, it was like they hired a qualified counselor, and didn’t know what for, but where they were wrong was, they didn’t understand, and I didn’t expect them to. And so the smirks and tiring looks came.
Matter-of-fact, I started to give my recovering clients one-hour walking breaks, while in a half-way house. This was so they could cool off, get their composure back together. I did this as a counselor not Case Manager, and to my clients, not to my other caseload. Well, one of the Case Managers got the ass, and during a meeting exposed my already exposed “Little Walks,” I’d been giving away. Well, you know how such things go, most everyone jumped on her bandwagon, and since I gave them to my clients, now everyone had the right to have them. It just simply reinforces the fact, they didn’t understand what the hell it was all about, and we really can’t expect much more. That is why Christians go to Church, Muslims to a Mosque and Jews to a Synagogue. We are all in different worlds and every so often need to get back with our own kind for a breath of fresh air.
There is always one goofball in every meeting or among the chosen to lead in such facilities, or have influence. We had a few in ours, although it made life interesting, it waited time also. While they were sitting shooting the shit with dirty jokes in one of the main offices, the new arriving clientele were looking on wondering who the inmates were and who the Case Managers were,--yup, they couldn’t tell the difference.
And when I didn’t join them, I became the outcast, although it felt good, I never did like listening to jokes that made no sense, and pretending to laugh. They are probably still sitting there right now doing the same old thing, just like my old friends from my old neighborhood bar, both on highs. In the bar scene they are still drinking in the same old two bars across from one another in St. Paul, Minnesota. Get the hell out of there before you die laughing over you stricken beer.

Love


Does not love come into every picture, I’m not saying pitcher, meaning pitcher of beer? Yes it does, and to the alcoholic and drug addict, it shows up in funny places [also in that pitcher of beer]. But as an addicted person do you really think you can love? I mean really love. Something tells me you love the drug, the alcohol more than you love yourself or God, wife, and children; matter of fact, that drink is your god. Do we not give to the most valued in our lives; if it is chemicals we are giving to then it is the most valued, right? It is just common sense. What we love and cherish the most is where we are, what we give to, in most cases that is what we love.
To everything there is an exception, I am speaking to the perfectionist now. You see they like to catch me in generalizations, deletions or for that matter, a distortion or two. People with addictions often are perfectionist. But you need not be perfect my friend, only Christ was, and you are not Him. And if you are Jew or Muslim, take no offence we can use Allah, or Jehovah, they are the only ones perfect.
Know, having said that, let’s go on. I was trying to say, love comes to addicts and alcoholics differently. The alcoholic loves the bottle of beer. You know how you can tell, just look at how he holds that bottle, -- tight, around its fatter center, or its upper phallic elements. He drinks it down like there is no tomorrow. He is caressing it, loving it, making love to it. No, he is not making love to you he most likely can not get an erection. He is not looking at you at all, or even thinking about fucking you, he is only thinking about drinking and making love to the bottle.
You can not split love like you can a turkey. It is like counseling. Some people have asked me why I do not take notes when I’m counseling. Well, there is a good reason, it takes 10% of my time, and I can’t give the client 100% then. In a like manner, you can not give your family 100% when you are using. You have to share your life with God, family, the job, and so on. And what are you actually doing, drinking and using drugs 20%, 40%, 60% of your waking hours? Sleeping on the weekends your life away; or is it now 100% using and sleeping? That is where your love is. You figure out the percentage. I do not believe that is the unpardonable sin, but it is close to it.
Elvis, to my understanding was heavy on prescription drugs towards the end of his life, his way to survive; as was Johnny Cash on his assorted drugs, and Rick Nelson, along with Betty Ford, and Billy Cater, Paul Williams, Janis Joplin, and I could go on and on but the famous get it just as we do. There are no favorites when it comes to addiction. Satan has been using addiction for a long time to paralyze and make useless his prey.
You get the disease slowly, just like cooking a frog alive. Slowly you turn up the heat on a boiling pan full of water with a frog in it, and he will not even know he is being boiled alive. You are most likely that frog if you are having flash backs right now. Get out of the pot my friend, it’s boiling. I will try to get into behavior modification later, but you will not last long once the heat is up.
I once had a friend who died, actually two; their bodies were all bloated like a balloon. No psychology to that, just pure fact. You destroy your insides, your liver, among other internal organs. In addition, strokes, heart attacks, broken bones from falling all over the place seem to follow drunks; you body falls apart slowly.
Have you ever heard of a water brain? That also comes along with using alcohol. In my world it means what it says, after a while you are dumber than shit. You are like a fish looking out of a boil, while others are looking in. Your brain is fried in water.
But what I remember off the top of my head, and what I do believe in is simple, you get rid of the undesirable, unwanted behavior, and become the person you want to become. If you can visualize this person, you can become him or her. I know, it’s close to over simplification, but it works.



Alcohol Cycle


Let’s look at the alcohol cycle. It is not complex; it is simply a big circle “O”, something like that.

Now let’s put three elements into it; anger on top, control on the left hand side and alcohol on the right hand side. And we go around and around, from drinking, to control [sex, family], to anger, and back to drinking. Did you like the ride, that’s it?
That is as far as the train will take you, but you will end up going in circles all day. That’s the main part of the game, the cycle. Using alcoholics and drug addicts like to play this game, and if you’re a family member watching, how do you like the circle, because you are going around and around without using.


Hope

The way I’ve been talking, you’d think there was no hope out there. But there is. In Short, alcoholism is a disease. And the issue is not how one deals with problematic drinking or for that matter drug use, but rather how one copes with sobriety, the key to remission.
The disease is outside of our control, but we are accountable for keeping it in remission oh yes, we got responsibility. In know, -- you want freedom without responsibility, I’m afraid not, not in this life time I’m anyways. Get off your dead ass and look at the tax laws, you pay or you go under. That is how the world goes around. Like it or not. And so you must look at the responsibility vs. sobriety consequences. And again, make a decision, a choice, the train is coming.



3

Where we Going
Where we Been



Oh what a question. “Where we going, where we been.” We all got a hardship story to tell, and that is the truth of it. We all could write a book. But that will not heal you; no, not the shame anyways; because the road less taken was given to us. It comes with the territory; shame, guilt. What is the damn difference? I think guilt says, I’m guilty, then, you say you’re sorry [not sorry for being caught, but sorry for being bad]; anyways, when you do this, you can go on with life. But shame is a little different; it sticks with you like glue. It is in your fiber, you blood. It makes you say, “What is wrong with me”. Yes, it works on the image of you. The one you have for yourself.
Shame is usually given to us. We get it from some place, someone; maybe childhood, while at school from a teacher because we are slower than the average student. Or we may get it from our parents who have too high of expectations for us. Or we may get it at church. You know, the unpardonable sin again just happens to be everything we do. Wherever we got it from, and whoever gave it to us, we got it. And during our career of chemical usage, it has done us no good. Matter-of-fact, it has caused us to not celebrate life.
One of my clients in a freestanding facility with a dual disorder told another one of my clients he was foolish to have such a thing cause him shame. That made the other person look down to the floor, for the one client hit him right where it hurts, he didn’t have a right to have shame, or feel that way. I stepped in and said, “If I were to tell your friend, whom is one of my clients, your shame, he’d most likely tell you the very same thing you are telling him.” The first client looked at the other one, not sure what to say, and actually said nothing, but the second client’s head started coming up with a victory sign all over it. I walked away, I did not want to gloat or to be quite honest, I just wanted all of this to absorb into the client. As I said in the beginning of the book, clients know when you are sincere or not, they are no dummies.
Now there are many books on shame, and like co-dependency, we can operate from different angles, and many people have different concepts. My way of thinking is to simplify things, if not for you for me. It is the way I learn, teach and preach; having said that, there is something out there called good shame.
Woops, did I say that. Yes, as long as it does not overwhelm or become excessive. For example, if I was to moon you [show my ass in public]; I should have some shame running up and down my legs. If I didn’t you best find me a counselor quick. Matter-of-fact, let me quickly say I did go to counseling for 9-months when I found sobriety. To AA for a number of years thereafter and when working in this field, I often go to my higher ups for mind-bending, or call it to get it out [processing my thoughts and issues]. Yes, counselors whom want to remain counseling need an escape. And I use whatever works, and legal.
One time a client tried to get me into an argument about the rights and wrongs of drug usage. That he had a right to use. I guess I couldn’t fight him, but what I simply said is, “If I wanted to use something illegal so bad, I’d go where it was legal.” In this case it was pot. I suggested he go to Amsterdam. That broke resistance for awhile, but I find some people come to treatment just to get their anger out, which is not bad in itself, but it should not be so displaced. Sorting out things is one thing, and directing it in the wrong direction is another. We will look at shame later.

Where are We


If you’re the onlooker, the one married to the alcoholic, or the drug addict, or gambler, you may be saying, or have said, “Did I marry the right guy?” For the sake of argument, let me add, “Did I marry the right person?” Well, marriage magnifies problems not the opposite. Sometimes we meet our mates by luck, and some times by providence. My recommendations are get it all out first. Men value often times position, not necessary character. Women should remember that. If it is out of balance, listen to what is being said, listen to your intuition. If he doesn’t remain the real person you think he is, he is pretending. Guys say often, or think it, and say nothing; I will become whatever she wants a man to be to get into her pants.
In the long run, women need appreciation, men respect. Take those two items away; you got shit for a marriage. If you’re going to be going to ten meetings a week and you are a woman, you do not have a marriage, you got a partnership. Two people can not be mad at the same time, try it, it will not resolve the issues. We like to ambush one another during our fighting, you know, throw out the things that we know that hurt. I find that if your mate is using the secrets you have told him or she to win the fight, that person does not care about you but about winning.
Before you marry, you got to see if there is violence here. Can we talk? After you get married it goes a little different. Have you sought counseling? How much is the divorce going to cost. I find in many cases people are married to the wrong person, but that is still alright, it all depends what you want... If it is a daily piece of ass, it is simple, get it down the street, it will cost you less in the long run. If it is a daily piece of ass with passion, and really now-a-days, women do not need men, only for emotional support, you can also find that on the shelves.
Anyone can find a wife, but try and find a sidekick, a partner, a person who will fit into your fairytale. Oh yes, it is still out there. It is simply you do not want to wait. And so you end up with the quicken drunk. If for some odd reason he became that way after you married him, you may want to get out of it quick instead of living 10-years in a self-imposed prison. I have found out in life when you violate your values, you have a hard time sleeping. And one normally does if he or she marries one with different values. And just what are values.

Values


When I was doing a lecture at Ramsey Hospital, in St. Paul, many years ago, to a group of about 40-people, one stood up and asked me what my values were. I responded by saying, “It shouldn’t really matter what mine are, because you do not necessary have to live by or with them, but it should matter what you are.” He didn’t quite get the full idea [unless he knew his values where shitty], but I did go on to explain, we may have different values. I value quiet time, my third wife valued being with people more. I valued travel for an assortment of different reasons some people value staying home and saving the money, giving it to the kids for college. Some people value a wife that is gone more, and still others do not really want a wife, rather a partner. Different strokes for different folks. The lucky person will know what he wants and needs, and not go for the other. You know the pretty blond or red head.
At 52-years old I told myself and God, I was done with looking for the right woman. She didn’t exist. Then I got thinking, about an article I read that in this big world there are on the average between 1 to 3 mates that would actually fit you perfect. Well I was married three times at this point, and divorced three times. I used my silver supply up. No more looking and no more wishing. Just business and travel, plus, it took too much time to date I felt. Plus, all the gobbelgook about love at first sight was a fairytale at best.
Well, now at 55, I have to eat my words. I found my fairytale wife, Rosa. But I gave it to God [like when I sobered up] this time saying, “If you want me to have a wife, sidekick, so be it, but I’m done looking.” You know when you simply let go, and go forward, give it to Him, duck, and things start happening. When I got married I told the judge in the ceremony to say, or add, sidekick to my vows. And he did. My friend Diane said to me as we walked out of the court room, “Dennis, I liked that sidekick thing the judge said, you know, anyone can have a wife, but a sidekick,” she then smiled. We have been friends for 16-year. And her advice has always been good. And so I keep that saying in my head. Now let’s get back to values.


What we value is where we spend our money, our time. I value the relationship I have with God, first, then my wife and then my children and friends. If it goes any other way for me, it doesn’t work.
Value is exactly what it says. What do you value is your values. And if you value a sober husband, it is what you should look for.
Men think they can not change women, and they can. Women think they can change men, and they can’t. I am not going to debate this out, it is just a fact I have seen, and I believe it to be so. Women are caretakers, and men are easily lead this also is true. Most women in prison are there because of care-taking [that lead into a crime] their weak husbands that were to damn lazy to go out and make a living. In stead of being a man, they chose to be something less. They just have not got past the Peter-Pan syndrome yet. Grow up. In the bible it says there is a time for everything, and it is true. But you need to grow up to discover this. And if you need to change your values for better ones, do it.
There is something called social-comparison [observation]. As you look at people, while you are becoming sober, you will discover what behaviors you are lacking, pick out the best of the best ones for yourself, as you observe the people around you talk, walk, have conversations, etc. You will want the best for yourself. You see, we have forgotten how to act. We stopped growing the day we started drinking. When we stop drinking again is when we will start growing again. Simple isn’t it.

Women-Men


Women have their sexual peak at 27 or 28 years of age, while men have it at 18 or 19. Now this does not say much about alcohol or drugs does it? But what it does say is we are different creatures. We are made differently. We think differently. I cannot be a mother no more than a woman can be a father. And if that is what you are trying to be and loosing the battle, there is a good reason to it, you are not, -- what you are not. So don’t try and be what you can’t be. In a like manner, a woman is born being with caretaker instincts, yet she has to learn how to be a nurturer.


Children/Adolescents


For many years I worked with children and adolescents. Boy what a couple of hard years. Nnnnnnnnnnnnnn
eeeeeeeeeeever
aaaaaaaaaagain, -- never
Again.

But I’ve noticed that with raising children, and using alcohol and/or drugs we do not make the best judgments for the kids, or put another way, decisions and choices. We are not working for their betterment, but rather to satisfy our cravings. It is not all about us, or for that matter, it is not all about them; nor do I think it should be. It is about the whole thing; you, me and them. It is how God made things. But it does have to do with responsibility.
If it was about us, and only us, God would have left Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden alone. But you see, He didn’t,--did He, for here we are. And although there was trouble in the Garden, somehow, the couple made the best out of a bad situation. I doubt, the couple in the garden went and blamed God for everything that went wrong. And as you most likely know, God allowed freedom of choice. He could have stepped in, as I hear so many people saying, “Why does God allow this,” what a way to avoid responsibility.
If He were to step in our affairs, we’d most likely blame Him till eternity for everything that went wrong. So when He stays out, He gets the same thing. He can’t win. But being God is got to be a big job. And when we are parents, governments, that is what we are playing, god, but in a little way. That is why Christ said, “Give to Caesar, what belongs to Caesar.” What He was saying in essence was, I have allowed governments to govern, and I never told you to go against them unless they were of course going contrary to heaven, but none the less, revenge is for the Lord, and He will take care of them, so pay your taxes and give to them what belongs to me, and to Me, what belongs to me.” Christ simplified things, and got right to the point, if you were listening.
As I have always thought, and felt, let man do as he will, but when the Lord commands, it is a different story.
This book is about addictions. And when we have them, what we are using is our little-god, isn’t it? Oh yes my friend it is, even if you are trying to turn your head from this paragraph. YOU HAVE A LITTLE GOD IN YOUR HANDS CALLED ‘drink me’ or ‘smoke me’ or ‘inject me’, or ‘run to the toilet and puke me out’ or ‘gamble me to death’. These are little gods. You will never get in full touch with the Big One until you let go of the little ones. Now let’s look at children a little. Alcohol parents can make or bake them.

◊


I remember being asked to go to the children’s ward to work one weekend, at a freestanding hospital, a dual-disorder facility, back in the early 90’s. The head psychotherapist asked me, after reading my background, finding out I had a lot of developmental psychology; when I refused to work in the child ward, she asked me why? Well it wasn’t because I hadn’t worked them before, it was because I had. I told her my heart wasn’t in it that I wanted to hug them, not discipline them. Well I must have said the right thing for once in my life, because she ordered me to go there immediately, and her face said, “Now or never,” meaning my job depended on it.
But one of the disturbing things I found out in the children’s ward was they had no values except to hold on to anger which was some kind of survival tool; that was a high value for them. And they displaced it every chance they could on the staff. The parents often times when I seen them, seemed to have what I call value-conflicts; and children pick up on that. When it comes right down to it, what they see is all they know, if it is wishy-washy, so are they. They talk about how their parents used and abused them. And they shout and swear they will never follow in their foot steps, but when push comes to shove, it is all they know, and they follow the same pattern. Now if you are a behavioral science worker in this area, you may disagree, and so be it, but work in the area first. You have reprogrammed them.
I also discovered white children from white parents were put into these facilities because they could not install into their children their way of thinking, one being discipline. But one also has to remember when they have been watching their children’s behavior for 10-years, and is 15 now, it is imprinted behavior. Don’t expect them to jump up and say, “Were all fixed up now since you parents got it together finally.”
There were not many black kids back then at the hospital, they couldn’t afford the service I would think, plus, I had learned while working in other facilities, they usually grabbed their kids before the social system got involved in fear they would take them away, and gave them to family members to mend while they were gone serving time or whatever. I am not picking out races, I am picking out experiences. And if it hit you below the belt, so be it, the truth hurts.
I discovered with Asians, the whole family came to live in the hospitals while they were being treated. Different values again.


Political-with Children


But let me sway to the side a little before I let this subject go. I would rather raise children up in Peru now, where I have family, on my wife’s side, simply because you can discipline them there and not end up in jail. You can instill in them your good values, and not fear the social system coming down on you. In America where I did raise my kids it was in a time of change. When I could also discipline them; but at the end of my child rearing cycle, times had changed. One of my sons at age 13 or so came to me and said, “You can’t hit me dad, I can call the police and have you put in jail now.” Something he learned at school I suppose. Well, I don’t think I ever hurt my kids anyways, but I did respond with, “Just come a little closer and tell me that, and you’ll loose all your front teeth.” He never did come closer. But he never the less respected me I think.
They are bigger now than me, and I suppose they both could kick my ass, but that is what they’d have to do, because my values say, die before you give up. The point I’m trying to get at is our society has actually taken the ability of the parent, to parent his children away. I would not like to have children now in America. I was in the Army for 11-years, and I love my country, but we need to help the parents out here. How can you expect a child to see limits, when you take away discipline? I know, you say put him in the corner. Talk to him. If you’ve tried that, you already know how that works. A fellow worker some years back got punched a few times in the face by his 15-year old son. Now do you think the social system would understand if he hit the boy back NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO way. They would a say, “Now we got to go along with what is bothering the boy…” and some more of that crap.
Now if you want my advice [and if you don’t, turn the page], and I can just hear the social worker, anyways, I feel the boy should have gotten a black eye for his hitting his father, and a kick in the ass to boot, and let him support his own self for awhile, see where the money comes from; hard love, for hard times. You don’t teach a boy not to hit his father by turning the other cheek, you teach him by showing him he has limits in life, through discipline. God help us all. Now the usage comes, lazy parents, and lazy children. You drink, I can drink.

We have different values, don’t we? But I bit I get the job done quicker than you; the social worker that has a lot of “Does and don’ts” out there. And we are all wondering why our kids are going to pot. Now don’t come up with some fancy talking and say, ‘But it isn’t time we are counting, is itttttttttt!!!!!!!!!!”
It is a here and now thing; immediacy. One of my children came to me when he was 15 or so, living with his mother, and said, “Dad, I miss being with you.” I replied, “Why?” He stopped and thought, “At home there is no discipline.” I had thought I had failed as a parent, because of my drinking and divorce. But maybe there was something in all of this, my values. When I’d get mad, I’d sit on my hands, so I wouldn’t take it out on my children. When I was calm, is when I’d discipline, and that was bad enough.
If my children like me or for that matter dislike me, is not what matters, or what I was after, it is nice if they do, but most children wait for the funeral anyways, and call it a day. My job was to do the best I could with what I had at the time. And when I face my maker, I can say I did. That is my value, no more, no less.

I once had a friend who married this woman with who had two children they were not his. They were cruel to him, and had no discipline. One tried to give him a heart attack while living at her home, and as much said so to his wife. But his job was to try and produce discipline, or so he told me. His wife was too lazy to do the job I suppose.
Well to make a long story short, the children complained about him all the time. He was the scapegoat for everything. He should have known that stepping into an already made family was a thankless job. But he had asked them if they minded if he married their mother, and they said, “No, if that is what makes her happy,” they responded. But children are goofy anyways, so I guess why he took their “Ok” was beyond me. It was far from ok. Well, the children moved out and lived with their father.
Shortly after that his wife asked him to allow one to move back. He said why, since they were not happy there, and could get their way with their father, which they seem to be after. Well she said they were not happy with their father, and one of them was fighting with the ex husbands’ new wife. Matter-of-fact, they both ended up in the hospital and jail if I recall right. So what we see here is that the kids did nothing but cause trouble for everyone, because of no limits, no discipline, and the kids knew they had a system working for them. But then she said one of them was being molested by the father. And so my friend allowed her to move back into the house; when she did move back in she didn’t want to talk so he left it alone.
Now you would think the social system would come in and do something, but it took a lot of fighting to even get them to look at it, and then the girl would not press charges. Blood is thick. God help her, I do pray she is well now. All in all, children do not know what is best for them, and yes we got some sick parents out there. And we got a system that does not work.


Children


When I was raising my children I kept the ability to talk about where I stood with them; call it direct mutual communication. Taking time to talk to them, tells them they are worth your while, and they were worth mine. I used to tell them while in Germany, that I could not argue what was right or wrong at any given moment, but if they’d just go along with my decisions now, write down what they felt was wrong, than on Sundays, after eating we could go through their notes on my decisions and if I made bad ones I’d look at it. And I’ll tell you, I ended up more than once saying I was sorry for making bad ones.

Adolescents


Adolescents are funny creatures, especially in the chemically dependency area. I always hated to do assessments on them, simply because they were goofy, and their behavior could change over night, plus, I never wanted to label them. But I have worked with them off and on. In all, I suppose I have worked in the counseling, psychology, sociology, addiction, theology and military science area for some 30-years, of my 55-years on this earth. And one thing I have found out in the behavioral science field is that adolescents have some signature traits, and then all of a sudden they are gone.
Very hard to predict, and for me to work with; they wear me out quick. Once I was working with this individual in a lock-up facility. He was on drugs at one time. And as I was counseling this 17-year old, we got along quite well, not that I was trying to form a buddy-ship, but sometimes they take your professional caring, or empathy, as a closer relationship than you think. In any case, he jumped at me one day, and was quite sharp. I let it go, and the following day, I assigned him to a much younger man. The reason I gave to my higher-ups for this decision was I had helped this kid as far as I could. I know was reminding him of his father, which he even proclaimed, and to take this any farther would simply provoke, or turn up old stones with many worms, that did not have to be turned up. And that we would simply go in circles.
Well, he got a new counselor, and to be quite frank, he was always very respectful to me for doing so. The other counselors asked if I felt slighted. I said why should I? I did my job, and the main purpose is not me here, but him. My job was to try and make him as healthy as possible, and if bowing out would do it, so be it [like John the Baptist]. No it didn’t bother me. It inspired me, and showed me a new path to go down. That was team work, and I was used to it in the Army.

Adolescent Damage


As I said I am no expert with adolescent behavior, but I do know a few interesting treatment elements that might help the parent; besides the kick in the ass thing we previously talked about. I guess when they get to this stage it is pretty hard to kick them in the ass; they are usually bigger than you at that time, so do it early.
Anyways, adolescents usually use their choice of drugs indiscriminately, wanting to get wasted. Look for that sign, not sure what you can do, and by this time you already know they have a problem. Check the attitude area out, what feels good to you, if nothing, maybe something is going on. They often use to feed a void [that something in their life is missing], because of love, or the lack of it, and self-esteem. If you do not give them attention, they will find it elsewhere.
We must remember they are emotional things, with a lot of action in their blood. Genetically they can be predisposed to the disease of alcoholism, look at their genetic background, grandfather, mother; father etc. Is it in the family? If so your boy or girl could be subject to catching the disease after a few trials of getting drunk, or high. Explain that to them. Look at psycho-biological and psychological ingredients. They get them just like grown ups.
And like grown ups they get stressed, which can be a good enough reason to start drinking. The common thing to look for is denial, it is a defense system for them, i.e., “I had a few beers, like every one else, like dad, what’s the big thing, I’m no more an alcoholic than grandpa was.” Remember then if grandpa was, and if he was, most likely, your son is becoming one.
For these young adults chemical usage comes in many forms, they have stages let me share them with you:

1. Experimental
2. Social
3. Recreational
4. Preoccupation
5. Dependency


There is a good and sad part to this subject, that being, the kids will normally grow out of this holocaust, but for those who do not; they will have a bumpy ride for a long time. It is sad that they can not see down the road. They often say, “I’m feeling great, what you talking about, heart problems, and liver issues. I’m 19-years old, I’m healthily, talk to me in 20-years.” And of course in five or ten years it will be too late, and in twenty, he could very well be dead. My friend … got killed in a car crash, he was 19, and I was 18. I had decided that night not to go for a ride, he went with a drunk driver, and never made it home again; I still miss him, and can see his face stopping at my school as I’m about to go through the doors, and he shouts, “Dennis, come on, lets get drunk.” I went with him a hundred times like that.
And so it is hard to tell a young man or woman who is healthy today, look down the road. I’ve had two heart attacks, open heart surgery. Two strokes and I got MS. And I blame half of this on my lifestyle. For 22-years I drank and smoked 3-packs of cigarettes a day. But if you are an adolescent reading this, and you say, ‘hog wash’ you simply need to wait, you most likely will not even reach my age, which I’m pretty lucky. Most alcoholics die in their early to late forth’s. And if they stop, they usually have complications the rest of their lives, like me. Go for broke if you want, the devil will play with you like puppet on his string.



Conclusion to Chapter Three
Success


Before we get into the next chapter I want to bring up the word called success. It takes a few different forms. One is talking, or praying, the other is action. Like the 12-steps we talked about. Everything interrelates when you put it all out on the table, like a puzzle.
The man who is doing nothing is making no mistakes I grant you that, and most likely the one making the most mistakes is the one doing the most, need I say more. But let me dig into this a little. It holds true in about everything we do in life. Let me tell you a biblical story, what I remember of it anyways. I think about it now and then, especially when I am trying to achieve something, especially like sobriety. The Lord gave a few people some silver coins telling them to go out and be industrious, make more, and that He’d be back later to see how they were doing.
Well the men did as the Lord told them, and when the Lord came back, two of the three showed Him how much more they had made from the 10-silver coins He had given them, both doubling the amount. The third person gave back the 10-silver coins telling the Lord that out of fear of not succeeding he hid the coins until his return, and wanted to give them back. Well the Lord was not pleased at that and reprimanded the man, taking the coins and telling him to get out of town, quickkkkkkkkkkkkk……! And he did just that.
Success is a natural word, meaning, it can mean different things to different people. But what the Lord was saying was simple, take a chance, go for it. I gave you life, stand up, you don’t have a claim on life, you could die tomorrow.
He is not going to do for us, what we can do for ourselves. He didn’t say he was going to caretaker us, he said he’d be there, “Seek me and you will find me,” and “Ask and you shall receive,” and “Knock and the door will open.” But you got to open the damn door first. The third man didn’t even try, what he expected, a pat on the back for doing nothing.
Now for those who know this story you’re probably saying, Dennis forgot a few points, and there were more than three men. But you get the main idea that is what I am after. Now for story two.
Moses, oh yes, he was a doubter in his success. You think not? Bare with me on my stories, I write them as I feel, and try to put as much truth in them as I can, but you are wise people, you will get the idea; Moses had three parts to his life, something like Elvis, the young years, the middle years and the end years. Moses lived to be 120-years old, so we can divide them into 40-year periods. The first 40-he was in Egypt and being a prince. The second 40-he was in the desert being a silent prophet of sorts, most likely taking care of sheep, you know being a farmer of sorts. The last 40-he was in Egypt again causing trouble, leading the Jews out of Egypt, and across the desert.
Now if you are saying you seen the Ten-Commandments, the movie get to the point, I will right now. Moses was shy. He did not like talking to a large group of people. Matter-of-fact, he hated it. Now if you are saying the movie didn’t show that, take my word for it, he was. And actually, speaking in front of groups takes a certain amount of courage, skill, and preparation.
In any case, he was on his knees more than he was standing up talking to his people in the beginning. Well, for the most part, God told Moses to get off his knees and down to business of getting the people out of Egypt, across the Red Sea, which He was ready to separate, but Moses of course didn’t know it at the time. And when the Lord told him to get up, and move out, he finally did.
God never said He was going to make life easy for us, but that He’d be there. Moses was usable, and available, two qualities God checks out first before He hands out assignments. And He gave Moses a spokesman for when he got them very shy days, Josiah.
You see, he didn’t forget Moses in the time of need, and he had plan A and B. What we all need. Success comes with faith, patience, and working out your plan. I studied theology for 10-years, praying within them years for God to get me out of something, but I was not ready. He proved this point to me, as I had looked back some time ago. As it is written, “There is a time for everything under the sun,” just like now, it is time for me to write this book.
You most likely will measure your success by your accomplishments and values; and they will be different than other peoples. When I was working at one job years ago, a so called friend laughed at me and said, he didn’t even have a degree, and here you have two, and I’m more successful than you. In his eyes making money was success, and yes, he was making more money than I. But he swore all day long about his shitty job that he made good money at. He was not a happy camper. He didn’t know I was recovering from alcohol, had he known that, he might have not said what he said. But I told him, if he had been where I was, in comparison to where I am today, you might think differently. He shock his head as if I was in other-space, so I added another sentence saying, “I’m at peace with my God, myself, and all people around me.” He looked at me again, “That’s my success [for now anyway]” I told him, and he never brought the subject up again.
In closing this chapter I want to tell you about Mickey Mantle. I know very little about baseball, or for that matter about football, hockey or basketball, even though I have an autograph picture of him, and it is not for playing baseball do I keep it, but out of respect for being a winner. When I was growing up in the 1960’s [born l947] I heard of him quite a lot, and to be quite frank, he was the only name I could remember in baseball. I do realize now being 55-years old he was the greatest switch hitter ever, whatever that means. And he played I think from 1951 through 1968. But my time of recognizing him was more on the 1960 to 1968 era. Every time I turned on the news, you know, you get the sports with it. Well, there he was Mickey Mantle.
What impressed me was this, in high school he had a football injury, and during his career in baseball he acquired a chronic knee injury, and a painful hip abscess, but he kept playing. I remember them on TV commentating this while he was playing, then after I’d hear about him and a game would start, I’d turn the channel to The Lone Ranger or something.
This man, Mr. Mantle, didn’t feel sorry for himself like drug addicts and alcoholics do, he suffered to win, and that is exactly what life is about, falling down, and getting up. Or standing firm so you don’t fall, like Mickey [and not the mouse]. No pain, no gain. I know, I said that before. But it is true. We all want it for nothing; no responsibility.
When I was in the real estate business, and I was successful, everyone said how easy the money was for me. They all wanted a part of the easy money. But no one went into the business, they just looked on as I traveled the world, stayed sober, some got envious at my work at the halfway house; you see I was doing three jobs for awhile, counseling, real estate, and writing, but no one tried harder than I. I worked 24/7. I didn’t let my two strokes, and two heart attacks stop me; nor my Multiple Sclerosis. I am not able to do that any more and I knew the day would come, but until the last moment I did. And I may or may not live another year or ten, it doesn’t matter, my Lord gave me that extra mile I asked for I am very grateful. Now how about youuuuuuuuuu….yup, you, you, it is all about you now, just like you like it.

Now on to the next chapter.




4

Behavior, Beliefs and
The Disease


Let’s look at some alcoholic behavior, and drug induced behavior. All paths lead to sobriety if you walk down the least traveled ones, but let’s see where they are when you are standing still, and we are using, this might help the soul-mates of the users out more than the addicted.


JEALOUSY:


1. Jealousy: That’s a common behavior with alcoholics. I know we talked on this a little before, but let’s take a closer look. If you are recovering what you got to do is learn to let go, share that person. We do not have full control or access to those on whom we depend; which is another form of dependency, especially during the recovery period.
2. If you see yourself incomplete, cannot live without your mate, learn how to be interdependent. The more you are dependent, the more you are usable by Satan’s jealousy.
3. Jealousy has many roots, and some of them are: fear of loss; feeling excluded; feeling insecure.
4. When one area becomes less in our lives we usually try to hang on to the mate closer. Meaning, when you are trying to sober up, you may hang on too tight to your mate; and I guess it goes both ways, even when you are using you also may try to hang on to a good caretaker, why not, they will enable you to use more. No one wants a guard standing over their heads, and the bottom line is that, a jealous person is that guard.


Jealousy breeds jealousy, and your mood determines the shape of it. Normally after the event is over, the jealousy goes down, but alcoholics have a high degree of this emotion. Jealousy says: “I don’t want anyone else to have you,” a little different than envy, which people often get mixed up with jealousy. Envy says I want what you have.


Schizophrenia:


I have worked with this illness as a dual-disorder. My clients were either using drugs, or prescriptions or alcohol, or some kind of combination of these with their usual psychosis medications. No one said life was easy, and these people get a double dose of it. Some of the signs are:

1. Delusions/hallucinations [sounds; thinking]
2. Incoherence
3. Clairvoyance
4. Disorientation


You will witness them having thought distortions; their feelings may be presented with a flat affect, or appear to be, and their actions are often limited, stillness. I guess in my book, these are the last people that should be using alcohol. It only worsens their dilemma.


Depression-Manic


I have worked much in this area. It seems when women come into the hospital with depression and alcohol, and remember alcohol is a depressant in itself, they leave before the men. Why, because they are willing to deal with their emotions. To cry if need be; to get it out. But let’s look at some of the characteristics:

1. Moods [irritableness]
2. Loss of interest/pleasure. Get them out of the bed. Assign them one thing to do, and only one thing. To give them two or three will only put them back into the bed.
3. Weight loss/or gain
4. Insomnia
5. Fatigue
6. Feeling worthless/guilt
7. Inability to think
8. Thoughts of death/ suicide


It’s not a pretty picture, and coupled with alcohol, it gets worse. I once was called in by my church to talk to a depressed-alcoholic, male. He really didn’t want to talk, but agreed I think to shut his friend up, and he stop pestering him. He told his friend and me later, he wanted to kill himself. We talked every Sunday at a café for two months. He wanted to kill himself every time we talked, and said he was surprised he hadn’t.
Well I do not want to get into all the details, but one day at church, after coming back from vacation, I asked one of the youth ministers where this fellow was, because I wanted to start back up seeing him. He looked at me straight in the eyes and said, “He went to his girlfriend’s house, beeped the horn, when she opened the door, standing in its archway, out of nowhere he produced a gun, putting it to his head and killed himself.”
That was a bad morning for me. He never drank when I was counseling him, but he did everyday I wasn’t I suppose. And just for the record we tried everything under the sun for the person. Those with depression, when you drink you get a double dose of it. Depression in itself is a disorder, and coupled with alcohol or drugs, man you are asking for trouble.


Manic [with depression]


Manic-depressants recover, where schizophrenic usually do not, but rather have to deal with the ongoing symptoms. And some times the manic-depressants are boarder-line schizophrenic, causing more issues. But none the less manic depressants have a high rate of suicide, more so than schizophrenics. In all cases drugs and alcohol can place a deadly curse on these folks.

As we talk about dual-disorders, let me sum this area up by a look at the general makeup of Neurosis and Psychosis. For the most part we have already I suppose, but let me add, again, alcohol can place a deadly germ on these individuals; for instance, people with neurosis may have to deal with, anxiety, phobic [fear], and again depression [feeling sad all the time]; on the other hand, in psychosis, schizophrenia being one form, and melancholia another, and lets not forget manic-depression and paranoia states.


The Counselor I


If I would pick out a certain therapy to call my own, I would claim-- and I do use all areas the behavioral sciences as a helper in the behavior science area-- but I’d pick out “Client Centered Therapy,” why, because it has a realness/genuineness to it. It deals with respect, and empathy. The therapist normally will process client’s attitudes for potential growth. If you are seeking help, you may want to remember this. See where your counselor has been. What he has studied. What he believes in. I am not afraid to show or tell my background, and my credentials; for the most part I am a Christian Counselor. But I have counseled gays as well as straight people. And I like meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee. I do not believe it to be God’s will in this area of concentration to judge. Let Him be the judge.
I’ve had several gays in my sessions. But I do remember one well. She came to me prior to the group-session and asked if I thought it was for her to be involved with a group of recovering people, and her being the only gay. I told her first, I didn’t know if she was the only gay, she was telling me she was gay. Second, if she didn’t want anyone to know, it was her business, and she would be the one to tell. And third, I didn’t have a problem with it if she didn’t I also added she could find a gay group if that was what she really wanted.
Well she joined the group, and it went well. In the middle of the sessions she asked if she should come up front with her sexual preference, feeling accepted by the group. Feeling it was part of the healing process. My question was, “Can you take rejection if the group doesn’t connect with you after you tell them?” And if she couldn’t she has already answered her question. She never did tell, and I can still see her smiling after completing 5-weeks of treatment, 4-hours a night, 5-x-per week. Whatever-floats the boat, that’s my motto? Like I said before, do what works for you, no need to be a hero.


The Counselor II


Go shopping, like you do for a dentist, or doctor; a house or car, or possible even a horse. Check him or her out. Not every counselor is the same. Some believe in a more psychological approach, meaning, the individual is guilty for his actions. Some will take the sociological approach, feeling society has made this individual the way he is. Me, I believe more in the psychological approach, but do understand our environment, culture, race, all play into the way we are. Just as being female or male do. When we treat one or the other, we have to take that into consideration. I would not give a lecture on cancer the same way to men as I would to women alcoholics; for women who use alcohol have a higher level of breast cancer than men. So we have to shift a little.

The Counselor IIl


What should this counselor be for his client? How about simply a helper [to help him or her in dealing with and going down the path of recovery]?

1. Break the block of denial creating change by rebuilding; give him or her tools.
2. The patient must let go, to go forward in life.
3. Bring about wholeness for the patient; this is the main objective, in the physical, emotional, social and spiritual areas of his or her life.

If you are not getting this ask the counselor why, and if you feel the answer does not fit the conversation, fire him.

I have learned if you make a difference in their life, they will not forget you; I have never forgotten my counselor. He was a tall black man. I was in the Army at the time, in Alabama. This is when I stopped for one year, and still lost my family. Well he was very patient with me. He would preach to me often. One time I said to him, “You drink, I know you do, and when you leave here [meaning his office] you and your wife will probably get drunk and I got to stay sober.” He looked at me and simply said, “You’re my patient, I’m not yours. And if I do, it has nothing to do with you.”
I would often get mad, and moody. And one day I asked why he was throwing darts at a dartboard, not counseling me. He said I was from Missouri, and I said no, I was from Minnesota. I didn’t get the joke, so he said “People from Missouri, are hard headed.” I got the picture. Then he added, “When you start to get me frustrate with you, I start my dart game,” and continued to throw darts.
I never forgot him, he helped me find my tools for sobriety, I just happened to stop drinking to save my career in the Army, and my family at that time. But I stopped for the wrong reasons. I should have stopped for me first, and the benefits might be keeping the family, but it does not always work that way, so be prepared. I learned, even hard-heads can learn.
Like one of my patients once said, “If I can go straight, any one can.” He knew he was a bad seed, but he grabbed on to hope. I had taken him off of a job while he was at a half-way house, an inmate. He had found a job at a strip joint. He was really mad at me because I made him quite that job. And swore he was going to call his lawyer, etc. But I told him the truth, that if I allowed him to stay there I would be in not only violation of my values, but my God. I couldn’t do it even if it cost me my job. He looked shocked. And that was that. Last time I seen him was walking down the street, he stopped in his car from the drivers side, and I on the opposite, he yelled, “Do you remember me,” I said, “I sure do Mr. ……!” and he smiled, saying, “Still sober and doing well.” And so my friends, if he can do it, like he said, “So can you.”


Bulimic


This seems to be an area often looked at, but not talked about. And although I have worked with young women in this area, it is still a mystery of sorts to me. But let me share my findings.

While working at a freestanding facility in the Midwest in the early 90’s, and a quite well know one, and an expensive one at that, I learned a lot I thought, only to find out I was on top of the ice berg, and the bottom was three times as deep as the top. To me, “Eating disorders” were sad at best, and pathetic at worse. In this bowel of soup, you find sexual abuse, conflict, addictive behavior with food, and often alcohol, and body abuse internally, obsessive-compulsive behavior; constantly trying to find a place to get the food out; abusing of laxatives; shame and secrets, shop lifting to support their young habits.
I guess if you got this or any other eating disorder, I’m sorry, but I can’t help you much. And what I just mentioned you already know. But I guess I can put it in this book to let you know, you’re not alone, or overlooked.
Some times the girls where I worked would put a little food on a little plate, running up for seconds constantly, and watching whose watching them; and then other times they would put a little food on a big plate, doing the same thing; not sure who they were trying to fool.


Some Notes on Alcoholism, Women & Causes


This is going to be one of them, “Did you know?”

1. Alcoholic women prefer masculinity before feminism.
2. Alcoholic women use alcohol more so in ‘life crises’, such as divorce, death and children leaving home.
3. Women who use express by depression.
4. Men who use express by aggression.
5. Smoking ages you, and smoking and drinking seem to go together for both men and women; cut seven years off your life expectancy or smoking, and another for drinking
6. Expect liver damage, in the case of cirrhosis from alcoholism, there is no return, the living cells die; you become the living dead


Stress I


In the world of stress, we adjust or control. Life events can cause illness, as can your temper. Thus, you can learn how to increase it or decrease it. But remember adjusting to stress puts demands on the body, which requires adaptive energy. The more changes one has to deal with, the sicker he or she can get. That is why so many people on holidays lose their sobriety. They cannot adjust to being alone.
I used to have every holiday set up in advance so I would not feel sorry for myself and find I was using again. To combated stress especially for the recovering person, be calm, go to familiar places, and figure out ways to adjust. Take time at decision making, anticipate, pace yourself.


Stress II


Alcoholics or drug addicts need to do whatever it takes to remain sober. And sometimes that is getting out of the job you are at, if it causes too much stress. Occupational stress can be a deadly thing. And you are no good to your family or anyone for that matter if you are dead, right?
When I think about the occupational area I think about 1) Shift work, 2) Work load, 3) Incidents, 4) Nature of job, 5) Work rules. Is the work load too much or too little, or too different, too easy. Is it incompatible or too many expectations? What is the environment; food for thought.

Let me just share a thought on this subject with a quick story. I met Jim Hough one Sunday afternoon in November 2002 in Roseville, Minnesota, the offensive lineman for Utah State, and footballs National League defensive lineman for the Minnesota Vikings, #51. He was respectful and very kind, not arrogant; my kind of guy. He was also 1981’s Arm Wrestling Champ I understand. He was on the field from 1978 to 1986; due to knee and calf injuries he had to retire from his occupation of being a football star, or player.
It should be noted he played with these injuries to my knowledge for some four years while in the league before retiring. Surely if he would have continued playing he would have caused much more damage to his walking ability. I admire his drive, and his will, out of necessity to let go when the time arrived. And that is not giving up. This is what we [US] addicted folks must do. Take a lesion from him. Mr. Hough did two things, he let go of his career so he wouldn’t get an already situation worse, and fought it to the last minute. And then went on to other things in life.
We alcoholics need to let go for a harmful habit, disease and go forward with all the drive and will in our bodies.


Stress III


Some stress is good I know, but we are talking about what the alcoholic and addict needs. He or she will know. But remember the importance you place on a stressor is how stressful you will become. Also, the more stress you take on, the more control of your life you must have. And that is the very truth.
When I was buying houses, involved with real estate, it was fun, but stressful. And I found I had to be available 24-7. If not I could not keep a balance between buying, selling, renting, collecting rents, and having repairs down. This took a high level of control, and when I started to loose it, I got more stress, and at times the alcohol fever started to get to me. Thus, being out of control causes you stress and you need to know if you are ready for it at this time of your life. For it is written, “There is a time for everything, under the sun.”
The problem of stress if unrecognized, uncontrolled, it will bring destruction. So remember adjustment and control as you need to while in this environment, both in the personal area as well as in the environmental area.
Did you know most people that relapse had set it up days before it happened? Oh yes, you didn’t find yourself at the local corner bar where you drank 10-years ago almost every night, -- for no reason. Your mind set it, just look behind you, those thoughts you’ve been getting. Is it not funny, you ended up being there on a Friday night, just when all your old drinking friends were around the bar at happy hour. And you told your counselor, “I just don’t know how I got there.” Bull shit, you just don’t want to face the truth. No, you already had the urge; you now are at the place. Relapses do not happen over night, they are planned usually.


Note: This book can not be everything to everybody, but it can provide one thing for everyone, prevention…keep reading, and prevention should stand out as we go along. In prevention to prevail one of the things we must deal with, and we have gone over this a little but I want to remind you again, is dealing with guilt and shame. On the other side of the shame coin is pride, which we touched on. Guilt is more of an experience of breaking a moral code, as in the Army. For guilt you regret your actions, shame is feelings about one’s self. Often times the pain of guilt is reduced when we give blind obedience to another, calling it orders. This is why it is good to keep in check with your values. The closer we come to violating our values, the closer we come to using, and throwing away prevention.


5

Prevention, Stages
And the Disease



Relapse Prevention


In most every place I have worked in the addiction field, this is the one main area that seems to take precedence over all others. And so it should, and so let’s look at it.
You could probably sum it up by saying prevention’s main objective is to change behavior; to be able to anticipate; to learn coping skills. To stop it before it happens requires a maintenance program. Breaking down relapse isn’t easy, as I said before, whatever it takes to stay sober you got to walk that road.
The goal is to anticipate a relapse before it accrues and it becomes full blown, meaning, unavoidable and you are going to drink [also see Prevention Article in Appendix]. Thus, this maintenance I mentioned is like polishing your skills, in staying free of chemicals.
In the area of prevention, the client [you or your loved one] must learn how to balance your lifestyle. If your counselor is not helping you in this area, ask him or her why they are not. As we mentioned before, the counselor should be teaching his patient stress reduction techniques; psychological needs, and healthy habits, getting him on a program of sorts.
If treatment is necessary, get it. Go to AA, family or group therapy; religious groups, church, get on medication, if not antibuse [a pill that will remind you that you are not allowed to drink. It says, you can never drink safely again by making you very…vvvvvvvvVery sick]; get aversive therapy if you need it or learn behavior modifications steps. Whatever it takes to prevent you from using again, is where you path should be headed.
Relapse is identified as “Treatment failure”, yet, I think a better way of looking at it is to forget the ‘all or nothing’ concept; if you relapse, call it a long slip, and get back up on your feet, work a program [a formula that works for you, like AA, Counseling, etc is a program].


When I was working with inmates that came to the halfway house from prison to find work, and had either a chemical dependency issue or abuse issue with drugs [incidentally, there is a difference between abuse and dependency, if you are dependent you are abusive, but if you are abusive you are not necessary dependent, if that makes sense; my friend drinks abusively when he gets a divorce, but thereafter, he barely touches the stuff]. Anyways, as I was saying, or about to say, I used to ask after they said they were sober for a long time, and had kept sobriety, “Are you working a program?” They’d say, “What you talking about, a program.” In other words they were doing nothing, and planned on doing nothing to remain sober. Nothing gets you nothing. Create your own program. A program is something you are doing to maintain your sobriety. We just mentioned a few areas, church, or group therapy, AA, etc.
If you are planning on taking your mate back after he has become sober, ask him if he’s been working on his sobriety. If he says yes, ask him how. Most people will get stuck with that easy question, not knowing how to answer it unless you are really working a program.
If you would have asked me 20-years ago, what I was doing to prevent myself from using, I would have said, my program consists of going to AA two times a week. Seeing my counselor one time per week; calling my sponsor up a few times a week. Keeping busy during the times of the day I knew I was more vulnerable for drinking. Reading at the bookstore a lot, I had a list of 5-friend I could call at any given time in case I needed to talk to someone. I had a list of places I could go, like to the movies, church, AA, bowling. This is part of your program; you know things to occupy one’s mind when s/he gets stressed out. I’d go walking around the lake.
If your loved one can not give you a straight answer, he or she is just farting around and wasting your time.
What makes you think you will remain sober without a program, especially when you are first starting out with sobriety? You are like a new kid on the block. All these needs, thoughts, feelings you haven’t experienced since you were chemically free [years ago], are coming to surface. You got to deal with them, find an Emotional Club, one that deals with emotions. If you started drinking at 13 or 16, and you are 30 now, when you stop drinking you will be thinking like a 16 year old. The year you started drinking is the year your mind stopped growing. It will take a few years, or several months for your mind to catch up with your body. About one month for every year you drank. It is like a marriage, you got to grieve the loss. An addiction is a BBBBBBBBBBig loss. You cherished it, and spent time with it. You watched it grow, and courted it like a lover. Do you think for one minute it will set you free because you demand it; no, no, no. You have to divorce it.


Causes for Relapse


There are deep rooted causes for relapse; for a person to go back to drinking; one being, living in a negative emotional state [depression, or boredom]; also interpersonal conflict [a bad marriage, or relationship]. Social pressures influence one, as does the lack of control, or coping skills.
Skill training=behavioral, cognitive responses to cope with high risk situations. The cognitive part is dealing with early warning signals. Something telling you a relapse might be on its way. Also look at lifestyle interventions, meaning, relaxation, exercise, it all can help.

π

For the co-dependent, or enabler, which we talked about before, do not identify by thinking you have the same disease as your mate, you do not. What you lack is a good self-image. You have misplaced your care of self.
Remember the co-dependent traits: loss of self; actions based on what someone else might do, and other person’s problems are more important than yours. Also add fear, anger and rejection, they all rule you. You’re messed up, -- are you not? But there is hope. That is not the way it has to end.
You really have to invest in yourself. Let me give you a quick story. Back in around l989-90, I met Fay Ray, and spoke a few words to her. If you may have forgot who she is, when was the screaming woman in the original movie “King Kong,” I still think it is one of the best movies every made. Anyways, as I was saying, we met, and I asked her a question, knowing she had recently written a book; I asker her question concerning the movie “King Kong”. She was blunt, but polite and said, “You need to buy the book, there you’ll find your answer.” As I look back, what I feel she was really saying was, or so I feel, if it means that much to you, invest. In a like manner, I would have to say to you at this stage of the book, if sobriety means anything to you, invest. I appreciate my sobriety, and I have invested.




The Disease Concept
[Also review Quantum–Dependence]



And so is alcoholism a disease? Yes or No, I say yes. It may not have been when you first started out, but it became one. Just like cancer. Let’s take a closer look at it; for a different understanding of the same basic principles see Quantum-Dependence.


I. Alcohol in the body= Ether/the compound of alcohol, which reduces emotions and motor-state.
II. At 100% consumption for the alcoholic, the body is in a state of saturation or activation
III. To the alcoholic, this alcohol of 100% consumption is like drinking acetaldehyde or antibuse-substance. For the non alcoholic, the alcohol is transformed into vinegar [acetic acid], then into water, and dispersed out of the body. For the alcoholic it is not.
IV. When the antibuse-substance enters the alcoholics cell there is a THIQ change over; the alcoholic is in a bio-chemical change himself. Neuron transmitters are activated. THIQ= a heroin substance. Similarities between THIQ’s and Endorphins, both utilize the same transmitters/receptors.
V. The brain cells are now working over time. The cell, the endorphins are the things of mood/emotional and pleasure area in the brain. The system receives the message to stop sending endorphins, saturation of THIQ’s take place.
VI. This is sounding quite complex, but now comes the craving, the system wants to be feed more THIQ’s, but remember you have stopped drinking which caused the system to shut down. Carving starts because of the lack of THIQ’s, and there is nothing to take its place, the endorphins have also stopped their reproducing in that area, when the THIQ’s dominated the area.

At this juncture, your system is in an abnormal state. It has what we call a disease. It has changed; it is not the same system you started out with. I did not even want to get into this area; it is hard to explain at best. I hope it can give you some idea of why it has been called a disease; but for the alcoholic, no pain, no gain. And for the co-dependent, your mate has a disease, like it or not; but one that can be controlled. And you need to take care of YOUUUUU!!


Quantum-Dependency:


Level I

A new term for a new age, it is what I call an old dependency with a new twist, and no random concepts involved. It is a concept created for understanding purposes only. It works much like quantum mechanics or the concepts that keep the universe in check. Meaning, things are not random. It works like this: systems have a cause and effect, but when systems become oversized what happens?
This side of the coin has not really been looked at yet in the dependency world. Well for what it is worth the universe, the computer, and the human body all such systems normally react to and with their environment. Like the co-dependent to the alcoholic [we are all linked together, are we not?]. Also, like the Vietnam Veteran who comes home after the war and readjusts to his environment, he was infected by the use of alcohol but did not get the dependency, why [remember I said abuse is not the same as dependency, but dependency has both elements, abuse and the addictive element-dependency], because it did not overpower [overload] him yet. There was not an oversized happening within his system. Quantum-Dependency is similar. Let’s take this to the next level.

Level II

Classical Coke, we all heard of it, I think; let’s call it the average healthy body as it was created without the disease of alcoholism or without any long term affects by alcoholism. Now, as your body takes in alcohol on a daily basis, a transition takes place, and the body is interacting with the alcoholic environment— hormones are being infected, endorphins misplaced. A changeover is taking place. The alcohol is causing a process of dependency; -- it is no longer listening to the Classical Coke- body which is now being destroyed by Quantum-Mysteries, meaning, internal properties. Now you witness the mysteries in the new systems’ behavior, it is not the same person, physically or behaviorally.


Now if you want to test this, simply isolate yourself—start your withdrawals [craving for more alcohol] and review what we talked about in the area of “Social Comparison,” [meaning, observing others behavior to see what is socially acceptable and what is odd, or unacceptable] your system will fight to remain in its old state of dependency, but upon its return it will adjust if possible. Now you will have to edit and relearn proper behavior. You also may have internal issues because of the changeover [s]. The wear and tear on your system may have caused you heart problems, circulation issues, brain deprivation, intestinal issues, liver problems, memory problems, strokes and weight issues. And many more, that is what happens when alcohol infects the system to a level of Quantum-Dependency; it changes the body functions, to dysfunctions. During the process of your changeover, which may have taken years, your system needs to readjust again. And it may never repair itself back to normality, but that is the price we pay.

Level III

Your hormones, genes are the planets orbiting the sun, your body being the sun. We already know what the classical Coke system is made up of, ask any doctor, but the “Changeover,” system that attaches to the Quantum-Dependency make- up is still a little abstract, it is like a magnetic force within us that was activated when we started using [a disk in a computer that never stops]. It is like the alcoholic is/was on the dark side of the moon and only he can see its physical representations as it spins and spins.
Quantum-Dependency is not like throwing dice but in a like manner if you throw them long enough you will get 7/11 or 9/11. Likewise, if you drink long enough you will get hooked, and your system will changeover and your behavior will change. You will not be the person you used to be, I assure you of that.

Conclusion:

QD [Quantum-Dependency], looks at the system, for each system is different, and it’ll [the body] have to adjust. QD says, things just do not happen at random. It is like the sun coming up each morning, you can almost count on it, but how will it come up, and under what circumstances. Take a large meteor, and have it hit the coast of California, and it will blacken the earth for 90-days at least. You will not see a sun. And if you go into the Arctic, and I have been there, you will know they have a different system than Minnesota. You have the sun out for long periods of time, and then on the other hand, it is hidden from the eye, except for the Midnight Sun, for extended periods of time. Systems are different.
Again we are looking at the overwhelming side of this concept. To repeat myself, everybody adjusts differently, QD-says there will be a changeover to the system if you saturate the system long enough, or body long enough, or give it something so powerful it will not be able to resist or stay fixed in its normal orbit. It also says predisposed bodies, like--recall cars, that is, cars that originally had a malfunction built into them [maybe accidentally] are most vulnerable to QD.

Note: Quantum-dependency is a concept by itself and of itself. It does not take the place of the disease concept, or for that matter, psychotherapy, or any other theory on alcohol abuse or dependency concepts; it is simply a tool to help the reader understand dependency. Nor should anyone think it was created for that purpose, that is, to replace something else in the area of addiction. We need all the tools we can get. It is simply a new concept, with an old addictive side to it, created for understanding the alcoholic and his or her system. © Dlsiluk, 11/2002.




Stages


Now there are several stages to alcoholism we could go through, but I will lightly print some out. No need to dwell on this area, for when you are a drunk that is what you are. And if you need a good assessment, go find one, and they can tell you where you’re at. But if you can not stop drinking for a year without craving it, you are in a lot of trouble.

Now having said that, lets go on, the first stage is called the Pre-alcoholic stage, and we go on to the Alcoholic stage, and into the chronic stages of which is early and late chronic, towards the end of the list. When I think of these stages, and they all have their own elements of progression, I think of Billy Carter, the Ex-presidents’ brother. They named a beer after him if I recall right back in the 70’s. Anyways, what I remember most was he took a piss outside in front of the public’s eye, a camera man catching it on tape and showing it to the general public. Billy evidently had to take a piss so bad, prior to entering a jet bound for who knows where, he stood by one of the tires of the jet and let loose. It was more sad than funny. But, that my friends it is an example of a late chronic stage. I’m sorry if this offends you, but if you are an alcoholic or getting close to becoming one, this will not phase you when you are in his stage. He did sometime after that I remember, sober up, if I recall right.
But as I was saying these stages are not all that important in this book but a nice thing to measure your disease by while in treatment.



6

Time, Patience, Behavior
Modification, Healing



Satan wants to destroy hope, your faith. It is how he works best. Then he plants the addiction seeds, and they do the rest of the work. Man was not originally created to die, but he had a system changeover and the chromosomes within his cells that were made to last forever, started breaking, why? Call it sin, or whatever you please, but it took place, and as you know everyone has to go through this thorn patch and disease comes with it as does death. But faith is believing and so with believing there is hope out there, and you can heal; even with broken chromosomes.
To heal some people go out and tell their story, if you need to, do it. Also to heal, focus on what patterns in your life need to be changed, and change them. Find out what your blind spots are, you know those things everyone tells you, you have, or about and you say “Yaw, sure”, you don’t believe you have any weakness, but you do. An example might be, you’re moody all the time, and several people have told you, but you shift it and say, “They are jealous,” or “They should talk,” no, you should check it out. Take action, try and correct them. Look around you, learn by observation. See the sober world out there, there really is one, it is just you have been so long in the alcohol-drunk-fag world, you got believing it is the only one out there. Believe it or not, it does exist. Problem management, learn it. Grab opportunity, develop it.


Behavior Modification


Remember, we did talk about Behavior Modification, at the beginning of the book. I said I’d try to give you my view on it; but only if it helps you. First it is just a big fat phrase for saying, let’s try thinking before acting. In its scientific form, it is simply used for a behavior modifier, behavior change in an individual. To a like effect, behavior modification is the utilization of techniques for stopping an undesired or desired behavior in a person. And it should be for a positive change. It has been used in every war man has created upon this earth, it works.
Most of the principles applied in behavior modification are to some extent the same in what we call conditioning and modifying behavior change in animals. What we look at is what is considered normal vs. abnormal. In our case it might be the mannerisms alcohol has instilled into our way of life while using. Swearing or taking advantage of people. Usually what I do in modifying is rather simple, try and produce acceptable behavior, instilling responsibility, awareness and predictability into his cognitive processes. If you can change a person’s formal reasoning, you can change him. Another way of doing this is simply showing the client what is normal in contrast to what is not acceptable.
I could go on and on about this, but lets make life simple, work the 12-step program, find out the person you want to be, and work at it; one day at a time. Do not stress out on this word “Modification,” it is not worth it.

Healing I


Drugs, Alcohol and Stress:


One last item [or issue] before we get into the conclusion[s], of the book. It is called healing. I know, in one way we have already brought this to light. But I want to try and quickly put a few more notes to this process. It may seem a little different, but I feel they will help the healing process. Now to deal with healing, you got to be recovering. It will do you little good to think it comes while using.
And again I will try and related it to my experiences more than my schooling or for that matter, book work. Although it all fits into one bundle it seems.
I have also tried to avoid using many drug and addiction terms so they do not confused the layman, such as “druggie,” or “drug abuser”, or “dragon,” short for heroin. Also, “cube juice,” for morphine, or “class ‘A’” drug vs. “class ‘B’”, meaning opium addictive drugs, and narcotic non-addictive drugs. Also, “bam,” yellow, which is the popular methamphetamine, much used by many of our in prison drug sellers [or dealers]. And I have left out barbiturates and amphetamines, indirectly throwing them in the big bag called “drugs”. And I have avoided using hard liquor vs. beer etc. When you are addicted, you know you are, and it really doesn’t matter what kind of alcohol you are on, you need to heal.

Most of us have heard of PTS [Post Traumatic Stress]. We have talked a little about it before. We often and too often relate it to war infected soldiers, of which I’ve had two friends with bad cases. I myself, when watching a Vietnam flick, can shift back into the bombing mode of 30-years ago, for it was my war. Anyways, it should not be considered an illness only for the soldier. I have worked with it in hospitals and clinics; with such cases as people being divorced, bereavement, illness and business. Now that last one brings me into a story.
I once had a patient who had PTS; we shall call the patient “TF”. Well, TF worked as a teacher for 40-year, never getting a degree. When I met TF it was 1989 if I recall. I had to work with TF for one month. The patient was in a catatonic state, just starring. At $1000 per day, she was not getting better by talk therapy, and so I brought this to the attention of my superiors. TF had gotten in this state right after being fired from being a teacher. TF had no degree, but back in the area where the patient taught, it was not needed at the time of being hired; but times change.
Well, they higher ups decided to take the patient out of the freestanding hospital [incidentally the client was also using alcohol for over a year daily]. As I was saying the client was taken out for ECT, Electroshock therapy, which alarmed me at the time. I questioned this, and I was told, “Do you want your patient to heal?” I was put on the spot, and I didn’t know that much about ECT. Now that years have passed I see them using it for mania, depression, catatonia and even schizophrenia. I was concerned about the safety factor, but I see also, now psychotropic drugs often have high risk factors. As I said, whatever works. If we have to go to what seems to be extremes to heal, so be it.



Healing II

Visualization/Dreams


We have out there many tools nowadays at our fingertips to use to get healed, use them. One is visualization. Tap into imagery, your imagination, and your dreams. Maybe this sounds odd, but it’s a way of healing also. I came from the poor side of town one might say, my grandfather being an immigrant from Russia. My brother and I feeling it was a miracle we made it out of the boiling pot to a life of normality. We lived in neighborhood considered the highest crime area in St. Paul, Minnesota in the l950’s and l960’s. I visualized getting out of that place, getting a degree, traveling, writing, and I did just that. I’ve traveled 24-times around the world; this is my 14th book I wrote, I got two degrees and one license. I wanted to make a certain amount of money, and I tripled it. You can become what you visualize, but first you got to put away childish things. There’s a time for everything under the sun, it has been said, and this is the time you now can become all that you want or can.
As we start to heal from our stress and chemical use, we can start planning our continued form of healing, plus it keeps us busy.

The brain creates the images, such as dreams, your self-image. Tell yourself there is no one on earth better than you, maybe they have a different role in life than you and your responsibilities, but the person next to you shits just the same way you do, with his pants down. This is a good start. Now let’s move on. Rehearse if you need to, but get it right, visualization can be used for changing behavior. Use affirmations.
Think of it as being born-again, that is, as a recovering adult, meaning free of drugs, and our system needs to relearn, especially communicational skills, for they have diminished. When you visualize be in a relaxed position. We’ll get back to communicational skills later. Let me tell you a story. When I was working in a clinic as counselor and General Manager of the facility, I often took my group of 10-to-13-group members [all with addiction issues] put them in a circle, lower the lights, tell them to shut their eyes and listen to my voice and the story. Somewhere in the story I had a hidden message for them, when I got to that point I would shout it out, and then go back to my low calm voice. Call it hypnotic-visualization. After the exercise I asked the group what they remembered, and 90% would say the shout. This was the element I wanted imbedded into their memory.


If I am correct, the right side of the brain, that is, the right hemisphere is related to visual, creativeness, symbolic and emotions. The other side is the more logical. This leads us into the bizarre area of dreams. At a few of the locations I’ve worked I’ve been asked by staff as well as patient about their dreams, as well as friends. I try to avoid this area, but it must be looked at to heal none the less.


Dreams


First dreams are very subjective and personal; in those we have definition or description and interoperation. Some great thinkers have said they come in the form of fears, desires and wishes. But if we do not know the person’s past, for sure, we end up fishing. Like in counseling, the patient already has the answers inside of him or her, our job is simply to pull them out for them to identify, not to inform them this is the way it is, and then write it in stone.
Dreams are formed in the right hemisphere of the brain, in the subconscious, but when we look at them, we are conscious are we not, and that is in the left side of the brain, the conscious side. Something already tells me we got confusion going on in the translation world. And so we got symbols and God knows what else to analyze. If only one could jump into a person’s subconscious right hemisphere while you are asleep, I’d have your dream analyzed in seconds. But that is not the way we heal. Unless we get lucid dreaming, meaning both the dream and the dreamer are connected somehow.
Dreams may very well give us a picture of our self-image, along with messages for survival. Let me tell you another story. When I was working at a hospital, a nurse asked me once why she was having this recurring dream. And she gave me a good background. She said, she was standing by a burning coffin, and her mother was in it. And she had a cigarette in her hands. Well, I had found out with her history, her mother had just died, of lung cancer, of which she contributed to smoking.
I asked, “Might it not be you are seeing a future reflection of yourself,” she thought and said, “I smoke, and I am very fearful of it now. Maybe this is a message.” Whatever it was, she decided to stop smoking, and some time later she confirmed with me she was not having the nightmares anymore, whatever floats the boat baby. But she already had the answer inside of her.


Healing III



Communications


Yes we need to work on this area to heal. For myself I went to Toastmasters, but that was because I needed the skills for doing lectures which was very helpful. For about a year I attended. As recovering people we need to re-learn this skill often; reading can help as well as rehearsing and editing ourselves as we start to communicate with the outside world again, the proper way.
When I look back at my clients as they plow through the recovery or treatment stages, I can see myself trying to inform them on a number of things needed. Such as “Attitude”; you got to talk even if you do not want to. Once when I was counseling a woman, she was so scared she sat on her hands but she did not let that paralyze her, she got involved and talked.
You can not heal if you can not talk it out.
You need to “Listen”; there is nothing worse than saying, “What did you say.” And one more big one, “Eye contact”. You ever get that person that says, “I really enjoy your company,” while looking over your shoulder at another person. Or as you start to look up as you tell your story, and the counselor is looking at his watch. Forget it, the client lost his will to talk, and the Counselor lost his job. But this is about healing. Give them at least these three elements. If they do not give you the respect back, fire them.



Healing IV

Happiness


I think we talked about this in brief somewhere within this book. So I will make this short, but sweet. I did say happiness is a byproduct before, not a pleasure. It is like love or hate; you make a choice to be happy or unhappy. It is a way of life for the most part. It is one of those things like values. They belong to you; happiness is not mixed up with problems in general, they come and go like emotions.
For me happiness is living in the moment, grabbing all the life out of each day; you know we have no claim on life; enjoying the big and the little things. Being at peace with God, myself, and all those around me; I may not like their behavior, but I do not hate anyone, even those who have done me wrong.
Most people who are happy have certain traits or qualities; such as truthfulness, giving and intentions. Let me explain quickly. I once worked at a place where one of the supervisors was going to fire someone, and asked me for my advice. She said she was going to give him a chance to resign, after saying the person violated a “Trust” issue. Meaning the person lied to her. My response was, “Are you not doing the same?” In other words, she was producing a lie. You see, the truth of the matter was, if he had lied about his situation, then resigning was not the thing she should be offering, or for that matter, in order.
In this fish bowel where I worked there was greed for one person, jealousy for another and hate for another; and yes, among the leading staff. They were not happy. And that is why to recover we must work on healing.
Giving is another attribute that should be looked at in this area. Share yourself, give what you can, there is a world out there of people. Appreciation, show it.
Intention, that is to try and get above unhappiness. I acquired Multiple Sclerosis as I indicated before, which makes me moody at times. And it can be a struggle to stay happy, but I chose to. And I should thank my dear wife, friends, as well as past co workers and bosses for dealing with my moods; they have not always been the best, so thank you for putting up with me.
Anyways go out and find several happy people, and see what makes them tick. That might be the best way.


Note: If you’ve made it this far through the book, life is just before you, what to do with it is up to you. This is only a book, not a magic wane.







Ω



Summary and Conclusion:


Smoking Cigarettes: another addiction I have not mentioned yet, for it has the same addictive force as heroin. It has tolerance levels like alcoholism, and compulsive-obsessive behavior, -- like eating disorders, it is a drug that has both depressant and stimulant qualities. But to start this summary off lets look at smoking and work our way down to drugs.

My mother smoked for 40-years, and I for about 22. Of those 22-years I smoked, the last 10, I suppose about three packs a day. Now, that was 20-years ago when a pack of cigarettes were between $0.98 and $1.25 per pack. But now it is far from that; if I would have spent $7.00 per day on the cigarette smoking these past 20 years, I would have spent $56,000 dollars. I like traveling so that would have been about 18-round-trips to Paris, hotel and all.
Like the alcoholic, the smoker is preoccupied along with being obsessed and here again there is a body change over we were talking about in QD. As we all should know, cancer is directly linked to smoking. Yet in spite of its consequences we continue to smoke. It is a little god hiding in a little corner of our mind.

One last word on cigarettes, is that, after I quite I took note of other people smoking [don’t we all], and I was amazed at things I never noticed before, and I give the cigarette companies credit, especially the advertisement area. Here is a thing that smells bad, gets into all your cloths, curtains, cars, bedding, sofa; a thing that tastes bad, dries your mouth, and I hear ages you. A thing that causes cancer, which is plastered all over the pack, yet we continue to smoke. Why.
The advertisement industry has out done them; they really have, and should get a gold medal. They have packaged up an addictive product to look pretty damn good. Just look at the designs, the silver lining, and colorful packaging; that my friend is psychology 998, graduate stuff. When they are done with the designing, and giving it an honorable name, it looks like only kings are allowed to smoke that brand, but you are lucky today because the industrial revolution has brought to your foot steps this amazing grade A+ Command Cigarette, and you must surely true; and we rush, rush to be the next king.
They make them like cars now, a brand for every kind of person; long, small, fat, slim; and colorful, white, brown, black. Strong, mild, cools. You name it, they probably got it.
Can you blame them? The industry; now you are saying, “This guy is taking the other guys’ side.” No, but I know human nature, if you could sell those damn cigarettes and make a million dollars a day, you most likely would. I know I would have. I would have justified it as, ‘If they are that dumb enough to put that shit in their mouths, and let them do it.’


Addiction


Addictions, like alcoholism or smoking cigarettes are both disease-related in their own right, and in the sense it causes craving and withdrawals. Their most noticeable signs being “Tolerance”, which I will explain in a minute [how much can you take until the system changes and needs more to produce the same desirable effects you are after]; and again, a very prominent sign being withdrawals. And we get out of this, addictive behavior which we have previously looked at.
In summary the addicted person is obsessed and preoccupied. He craves like all addictions make you do, and the person is in a state of denial of his/her usage, and will use distortions, generalizations and deleting to justify their continued use. You know what kind of excuses I’m talking about, i.e., “Everyone drinks,” or, “I only had a few with the boys,” when you had 20 beers, and five-shots; and that good old deletion, “I only stopped at one bar,” but you really forgot to mention the other three. It is just part of the make up, isn’t it; part of the addiction, we are liars, and very good at it. We are pros at manipulation, getting pity, and looking as if nothing is wrong.
As I have shown before, the thing that produces addiction is a make up of chemicals. In smoking it is tobacco, with its many addictive chemicals, to include the infamous nicotine, and the not so known acetaldehyde. And again like the disease concept TIQ’s are involved, much like morphine is involved.


Tolerance

Tolerance in a nutshell is what it took to satisfy your alcoholic or smoking body from craving yesterday, will take more tomorrow; that is, as it gets acclimated to its new environment, it will take more of the drug to produce the same effects that made your pleasure before. You might use heroin injection of 8 grams a day for an example. It will take 9 in the near future, and so on.

One more word on Tolerance, there is three sides to tolerance, not that you really got to know, but it might come in handy trying to figure out a person’s behavior. One side is the one I just got through explaining, we shall call it Side One, where it takes more of your choice of substance tomorrow to get the same effect as today. Side Two, says, you system is so saturated, and it’s been that way for soooooooooo long, we have a reverse of tolerance-effect. Meaning, it takes less to get drunk today, then it did yesterday. And we got Side Three, that says you have either never drank, or have been off it for sooooooooo long, you get drunk immediately.
So if you are saying, “Man, my husband is getting drunk off three-beers, or 4-shots of whiskey, he is living off he fat of his alcoholic history.


Note: did you know 85% of women in substance abuse programs are victims of domestic abuse. That it cost some four-billion dollars a year to treat the four million domestic assaults happening in the USA today. And that we have something like 2500-deaths a year related to domestic violence.
And I sense when we see the tolerance of alcohol go up and down the scale of the US, we will witness domestic violence go up and down, they are interrelated. Try and reduce your tension, for it is like a fire not but out. They are the roots of violent happenings. High levels of stress can lead to anger, which product violence.


Eating Disorders


We only touched on this subject of eating disorders in the book but let me also close this area by saying, in the USA with this disorder now—and I speak unofficially—Bulimia and Anorexia patients are obsessive with weight and appearance. There are signs to this that should alert you parents, like there are for smoking and alcoholism, these people who have eating issues, can no longer stop doing what they are doing than an addict. I witnessed time and again this in the hospital. There are many similarities I’ve noticed, such as overwhelming drives [obsessive-compulsive behavior]. And like most things in this world there are underlining issues, unresolved issues. The situation is normally not the main issue; it is the problem under it that we got to come to terms with. There are normally those tell-tail signs such as stress, anxiety, and emotional turmoil, etc.


Anorexia Nervosa

Let’s take a quick look at Anorexia Nervosa. I will call this a nervous-condition to starve the body of food, yet cherishing the flavor. If you have a fear of gaining weight, an image of your body being distorted and your period stops for no reason, look into his area. I do not pretend to be well learned in this area. But I have worked with young people in the hospital in this area. Actually they have taught me more than I taught them, I just happened to be there for them, and maybe in doing so, they helped me understand it better.

Drugs


In closing up this summary, and for the most part the book concerning recovery and prevention, to a path that leads to sobriety, I want to bring out some drug issues. We have looked at many elements involved in a person’s life that happens to get into the world of addiction, and I have used a vast assortment of them myself. Although I have 13-years in the clinical chemical dependency background area, I’ve treated more drug patients than alcoholics, especially in the past eight-years.
Often times the pattern of addiction I witness starts off as recreational use, like a young cigarette smoker who continues to smoke and then gets an appetite for more; it kind of grows on you. In a like manner, the drug scene is the same. And so is the sex scene. We just do not start out to say, “Let’s become addicts today,” but before you know it, you are; and then it takes a half or quarter life time to get out of the mess, if you ever do. Drug addicts just do not get old.
The main goal of drug use besides pleasure is being on top that is, being in an ‘altered consciousness state,’ not addiction. But along with this comes experimenting with drugs only to find out like Elvis, they cannot be used without good reason, and usually without having side effects. I remember reading somewhere Elvis was taking pills to sleep and pills to stay awake, and pills to do most everything what you would expect a normal human to do without pills; his prescription drugs, which many people become addicted to, possessed him. I liked Elvis, like it says, 50-million people can’t be wrong; he had a good voice, and was a great entertainer. It was very sad to see him die. I was on a street corner in l977, in West Germany, by a small city I was stationed at, when I heard about his death, I walked in circles for about 20-minutes trying to get out of the shock-mode. I got mad at the doctors that were caring for him, blaming everyone but him. But you know we can’t point fingers all day, unless some one is shoving them drugs down your throat, it is really up to you to turn your back to them, to be responsible users.
We use drugs for many reasons, anxiety, shyness, lack of confidence, and fitting in, etc, we have as many reasons as we have people using. My son once drank 12-shots of whiskey to fit in with his group of young people, I think he was 15 or 17, something like that. His twin brother got him to the hospital, thank God, and I joined him there later. I think he got the message that day to slow down. He is 30-years old now, doing fine. Some of us live long enough to grow out of it and some of us do not.
Opium, the discovery of LSD, hallucinations, ecstasy, recreational SOME SAY, BUT DANGEROUS NONE THE LESS.

Make Up/the Root


I do not want to get too technical, but the root of the drug is the atoms which form a molecule, taken from plants, which most professional drug users know anyways. Well they also come from animals. Now the antibiotics come for various users. They reabsorbed into the blood stream; absorption is the key word here, they are absorbed into the body—the system you might say. Now prolonged absorption is what I was talking about in Quantum-dependency for better or worse, the hormones and endorphin areas will react—i.e., absorption of nicotine; if you’ve smoked and tried to quite, it is not easy. In a like manner, what do you think the drug addict is going through? You can transform yourself, just like a butterfly, or like a snake shedding its skin, pick which one you want.


Counselors: For alcoholics you got to make a change, in doing so you may get a little off track during the process at as I’ve told my clients often, find something you like to replace your addiction with. That is addiction is what you are grieving [giving up—i.e., pot]. You can not expect a patient to give up something unless you can replace it with something better, why would he give it up if it was the best thing in his life. As a counselor you got to tap into that; there are no counselors that are heroes in this business, only clients and patients that can end up being heroes, so don’t sit back too far in the fat chair, and don’t get out of it.

If you were to ask me what is better than drinking, I’d say traveling. Now what do I do to avoid drinking, I keep busy, go to movies, I like them. I like reading and writing. I like money. I like seeing the results of my work, you might say, immediate gratification. Working as a Case Manager at a half way house gives you very little of that, but as a counselor it’s the opposite. Except you often have to avoid the no-it-alls in the business—I think the staff team in such places need more help than the inmates. And believe me they can get on a high with power. This too can be an addiction. But what goes around…ends up sometimes freeing you. You thought it had a different ending, fooled yaw.

Some of the other things I enjoy is quiet time, boxing matches, cock fights, karate matches, bullfights, sumo wrestling. I’m kind of a one on one sports person; these group sports like football, basketball, hockey, basketball, men playing with men, and men watching men, is not quite my thing. But I guess it is for most of the world around me, so there must be something in it, not sure what. My brother likes football and my son likes baseball.

Some of the ingredients for change may come in the form of humility; tolerance, flexibility, and reflection [take your inventory, not your neighbors]. This was supposed to have been a pocket book but I think it is turning out to be a fat one, if anything.

A Note [afterward]:


Believe it or not, but in a short period of time we looked at many areas in addiction, and recovery, not only for the user, or abuser, the dependent, and the co-dependent, a loved one; but for you, the reader that may not be one of the above. In this corner of the world, it is dark. History is what it is made of, what happened but it does not take into account the cause, the why of the problem. Yes it is what happened, what was seen, but that is where history stops. What you can do now is size up the situation that is the drug and alcohol problem; the addiction problem. Take some action, if it is intervention, rehabilitation, psycho-social therapy so be it; or psychological testing, get it. Whatever it takes do it; take care of yourself, you are no good to anyone until you do.
This book was not meant to punish, judge or even scold the user, reader, or co-dependent. For some it will be a reminder of where they know they are headed, that being, for the user a black hole. For the co-dependent, a tag along, she will become sicker.
For the couples, they will need recovering; the anger, hurt, bitterness, shame and guilt need to be looked at. Blaming needs to stop. Start forgiving yourself, let go. Create affirmations for yourself to replace those old digs you gave yourself. Actually forgiveness is the best revenge, I hate to put it that way, but it is. You forgive others for yourself.
Remember life is not made up of All or Nothing thinking it is not black or white, or perfect. We fail, we fall, but we get up. That is what life is made of.
We as users are so used to disqualifying the positive, only to hang onto the negative, why. Ask yourself why. And we like to jump to conclusions. Slow down, look, listen and do not act on emotions, but thinking. If I acted on my emotions, I’d be jumping up and down all day.
We as users like what is called magnification. Oh yes, we exaggerate the importance of things. Let’s stop torturing ourselves. This emotional reasoning that says I feel it there for it must be, is a bunch of crap.
People will label you for a while, and mislabel you, but so what, you have already walked through the valley of death my friend, tell them to move over, make room you’re on your way home; no more needs to be said.
Do not get back into personalization. You see yourself as the cause of some negative external event you are not responsible for. All these things are in our make up. You have a big job ahead of you, but one step at a time, and as the saying goes, “One day at a time,” and if need be one hour at a time, and you will be surprised that the list of things will go down,
Down,
And away.

And now I must let you go, I have another world to join. I can’t stay in this one too long. It somewhat depresses me. I lived it too long. Getting out of it was a gift of God, I do start to panic when I think of going back into this obsessive world where gambling, sex and everything you can think of in the addictive world is formed into automatic addictive responses.
Many alcoholics, after recover, and drug addicts turn to compulsive gambling, thinking they are getting away with something. Shifting gears my friend, you are simply trying to disassociate with your prior addiction. Oh yes, like I said before, no pain, no gain. And gambling is no game eeeeeeee, it is insane behavior. You chase the loss, only to end up broke and the stories goes on and on, just ask a professional, you know, someone like you. Someone like me, I’m a professional-alcoholic [was].
And so, I am happy to have done this book. I do not think I ever used that word before, “HaPPYYYYYYY” in doing a book. A simple word; happiness is good for self-esteem, so I guess I must be doing it for myself and you. If I do not make a dime, so be it, it is not part of my general make up at the moment. Maybe you got nothing out of this book, if that is so, well, you didn’t spend an earth shaking amount of money for it so you will live.
Remember self-love does not have to be earned, because it is given. Mans’ deepest need is salvation; put another way, the separation from God is what bothers him. I remember when I walked out of the bar for the last time, I looked up in the wet sky put my hands up to God and said, “Not another night like this, going in circles, make it stop.” Then I told myself, if I could have one day of sobriety with God, and then He could send me to hell, it all would be worth the trip. You know, my time here on earth. I meant it. I have learned strong self-love, it gives you high morality, a sense of family, good interpersonal relations, more production on the job, less chemical addictions, involvement in social and other activities, and the list goes on.
Guard your heart. Now having said that I got to goooooooooo, I mean it this time. If you ever see me say hi, I’ll try and be friendly. If I’m not, simply remind me, “You must be having a bad day,” that will wake me up, and you know, we do have bad and good days. Bye.


Just a little poem to cheer you up:



The Poem:

The Last Drink
[6:00 PM November 14, 2002]

♫

If I died tomorrow
[And you to]
The Stock Market wouldn’t change

Baghdad would care less

Argentina’s economic
Recovery wouldn’t
Blink an eye

The world’s steel issues
Would still be News

The Financial Times
Would still print
Their next issue

The Pope wouldn’t say
A prayer for my soul
[Or yours]

And I doubt I’d sell
Any more books today
Than tomorrow

◊

And so what really matters
Is what the big question is?
For You and I

The future,
What does your time?
On earth mean

It matters for you and me

Whatever it is
It’s got to be good enough
For when you wake up

And you are dead
Good enough needs to mean peace
So you can sleep

There is no replay button.





End of This Part of the Book




Annexes:


Two Articles on Chemical Dependency Counseling
[The writer is a license counselor through the State of Minnesota at present/ and was an International CCDCR, counselor in this area at the time of this writing, and publication of these articles; this writer was also a Sr. Counselor for dual disorders]


Writings of Dennis L. Siluk


Note: These articles were published in the C.D. Professional Magazine “Institute for Chemical Dependency Professionals of Minnesota“, as indicated [ re edited and compiled for Publication by iUniverse, 1/2002].

1) Article one: “Prevention in the Correctional Field, “by Dennis L. Siluk June, l996
2) Article two: “Providing Education to Your Clients,” by Dennis L. Siluk September, l996




Prevention in the Correctional Field


The continuum of care doesn’t stop when an inmate gets put on the Work Release and Relapse Program. The Federal Bureau of Prisons requires what is called: “Aftercare”. Not aftercare in the meaning that the inmate has gone through previous treatment, which one may naturally think, but Aftercare in the sense of “Prevention.”

Just what does all of this mean? Prevention comes in many forms. One form is Primary which can be outlined as:

“…protect the individual…
Operate on a personal as well
As a community bases… (From
Using)”.

This is very important to us as Case Managers and CD Counselors in a Halfway House. We are only allowed 30-minutes per week [to counsel the inmate] and must identify any potential relapse dynamics in the making.

Consequently, it is important to insure that the inmate’s Emergency Prevention Plan is intact. With the demands of this kind of Aftercare, it is important to monitor the relapse stages as well. That is to say, where does he/she fit in: transition, stabilization, early, middle or late recovery and to see where his or her beliefs are.

Prevention is no good unless you know who you are talking to.

The demands in this area are to create a workable program for the client through Aftercare, dealing with issues, problems, and education,--focusing on relapse prevention. We utilize support group attendance, alternative activities, 12-step review (for stabilization), assignments if needed, and general counseling- yes, all in that little 30-minutes.

We are their advisor, advocate, consultant, teacher, and counselor; our job is to harness a potential wild horse before it loses control and gets outside of the corral.

The forms of Prevention often utilized are secondary and Tertiary, meaning: “…identifying people in early stages of chemical dependency”. More severe cases take UA’s and BA’s randomly, hoping to counter and detour the compulsive user from using chemicals. In addition, we may have to take such measures as having the individual assigned to a detoxification or different institutionalization [facility] which might be better equipped to handle the ongoing user.

With all of this in mind, prevention is no good unless you know who you are talking to (which includes gender, race, age, and ethnic factors).

Perhaps they don’t know it, but we are their advisor, advocate, consultant, teacher, and counselor. Our job is to harness a potential wild horse, before it loses control and gets outside the corral.




Providing Education to Your Clients


Are you recovering? How is your program? Is your emergency Prevention Plan in order: Do you have one: Do you know what it means? If your client can not answer these questions or even identify these concepts, they are surely headed for relapse.

Many of my clients coming out of a 40 to 500 hour prison treatment program can not identify with recovery concepts. A little care to make sure our clients know recovery concepts saves them a lot of frustration in the future.

I hear all the time, “I’m recovered, I haven’t drunk or used in all the 4 years I’ve been incarcerated! How can I not be recovered if I am not using?” I tell them, I’ve been sober for 12-years and I have to redefine my definition of ongoing recovery every day.

I ask them, “Are things balanced in your life? Have you grown? Do you understand your life better? Have your values changed?” I say to them, if you can answer yes to these questions, then you know about recovery.

But many prison clients have the expectation that if they don’t use, everything will be O.K. Reality is that if you are not working a program, you most likely will return to using. Let me add here that I have nothing against prison programs (state, federal, or county - I’ve seen a few, and some are very good) but more than a few need to wake up.

We, as counselors, need to provide more explanations to inmates/clients about the philosophy of recovery. They need to understand that it is a way of life--a career if you will--not a collection of tricks to stay sober.

We must explain that recovery has beliefs and stages. We need to let them know that being recovered does not mean that you are forever recovered. It means that you can never use safely again and that is why we call it recovering.

Clients need to understand that recovery is a way of life - not a collection of tricks to stay sober.

Another idea I try to develop in addition to listing things that trigger your using, or set myself up for a fall, is that initial recovery is a transition, a reentry, dealing with feelings, recognizing emotions, handling them, planning your day, and then after that, the work continues.

Recovery is a developmental process. It is to find meaning and purpose in life without chemicals. Some get the picture; some don’t. Some nod their heads to appease me; some don’t bother. But when all is said and done, they all at least know what the darn word recovering means instead of guessing at what the beast really looks like.


◊



The Story of:

*”A Woman in Pain” was take out as indicated in the front of the book at the last minute because the author felt it could be counter productive for the recovering reader, and for prevention measures, but can be read in the book “Chasing the Sun,” by the author; which is about a 15-page story, here are some exerts from 4-different pages of the story.

Exerts from the book:

“This story is somewhat graphic. It entails the pain of a woman in an ongoing drama; I call it circular pain. A death occurs in the family. An illness takes place. Torment and fear run around in circles. We are talking now of a period of time in a woman’s life; when, for the most part, she was successfully employed, yet disguised herself and family, children that is--as a solidly lower middle class happy family. Gracefully she kept the secret. It was far from a nurturing family, it was if anything a household filled."

Thinking: “Her inner self was analyzing the evening. “Hell,” she said to her spirit deep within her mind, “He’ll wakeup in the morning not remembering half what he did--a black out--and I’ll be left with the scars.
Even if I told people the way he was, what I had to put up with,” she thought, “they wouldn’t believe me.” And so she never did tell.”


“The past ten-years since he lost his job, Judy thought, as she prepared to make the eggs, he’s really done nothing except, drink, make fun of me and the kids; nothing at all but feels sorry for himself, while I bring home the check. And wonders why he has a weak heart.”


“… was not manipulative, genuine love. It is what a woman needs, love and appreciation, and touch. Not fucking, and turning eggs over.
She was furious inside. She needed to see a man’s tear, his if possible. Any man's would do. She had almost lost all her self-respect, self worth because of a man. “Do men cry?” She questioned herself. “I want to see” She prayed. “One tears to show me the human race in man’s kingdom has a tear, anyone out there with a man tear,
A
MAN
T
E
A R R R R.

Is not all me alike. It can’t be so. ‘No… No…’” she told herself.”


٭

End of the book